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L.A. Affairs: Texting destroyed our relationship. Don’t let it come for yours

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L.A. Affairs: Texting destroyed our relationship. Don’t let it come for yours

I’m usually a really even-keeled man, and I can trip the ups and downs of life with aplomb. I wish to say I’m emotionally secure … besides in relation to texting-based courtship.

Some buddies from highschool and I obtained collectively a couple of months in the past for a weekend journey to Las Vegas. We’d all emerged, double-vaxxed, from our respective COVID bubbles, and the vitality was excessive as we wandered the strip on our final evening there. That’s the place I met her. She was 27, a kindergarten instructor within the Pacific Northwest who was additionally in Vegas for a weekend with pals. All of us hit it off, and the 2 teams grew to become one for the remainder of the evening. Sadly, the following day meant a flight again to Burbank aAirport for me and a drive house to Thousand Oaks.

Once I obtained house later that subsequent day (and waited a bit to not appear overzealous), I texted her. I puzzled: Was final evening simply the results of Vegas-induced revelry, or did she additionally suppose we would have comparable energies?

Nervous and distraught, I couldn’t wait by my telephone for a reply. Everybody is aware of that the primary textual content response is the toughest hurdle to beat. So I sought out distractions: I unpacked my suitcase and went for a stroll. I did a couple of issues to prepare for my workweek forward as a software program engineering supervisor.

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I additionally ready myself for no response.

Lastly, after what appeared like an entire day however was in all probability solely about three hours, I took the fateful plunge and grabbed my telephone. Behold, she had texted again, and with a selfie! It was a reasonably flirtatious one too of her poolside.

So she was searching for some sport. See if I might flirt again and match her type. It was a playful problem. She was . And she or he was going to make me work for it. That’s what flirting is, proper?

Within the ensuing days, we continued to textual content backwards and forwards, making an attempt to nudge every spherical of dialog a bit deeper. What are your favourite journeys you’ve taken? What do you want about your job? Inform me about your siblings…

I assumed the dialog was going nicely. However that’s the issue with texting. You by no means actually know, do you? If you’re speaking to somebody head to head, you might have verbal cues to steer you on. The chance to ask follow-up questions. All of it flows naturally. With texting, it’s choreographed. You query all the pieces. The timing of their reply. The timing of when you ought to reply. The punctuation (or lack of it). The tone. You spend all of your time studying into all the pieces.

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I used to be in all places emotionally, swinging wildly between the ecstasy of seeing her texts and the agonizing thriller of ready. Each time I despatched a textual content I frightened that I’d be ghosted, that this might be the textual content that may finish all of it. My nervousness would go away after I acquired a response, solely to return once more after I replied.

It slowly made me an increasing number of frightened; I wasn’t enjoying this sport to win, I used to be enjoying to not lose.

We have been now days into this texting sport, and this could certainly be seen as a constructive improvement; if she wasn’t , we might have already fizzled out. Regardless of that, I grew extra mercurial, afraid that I used to be going to screw up one thing probably good. The extra the dialog carried on, the extra distraught I grew to become.

But what else was I to do? She lived in a special state. And I’d be shifting to the East Coast quickly for grad faculty. I’d had a couple of relationships in my life that had ended prematurely for a wide range of causes, largely as a result of typical shifting that happens after school for far-flung job alternatives. Would this be only one extra relationship that may finish earlier than it might even start?

Every textual content got here to really feel like a false summit, the place you suppose you’ve climbed to the highest of the mountain solely to find there may be extra to go. I wanted a sequence of constructive responses from her to maneuver our dialog ahead, whereas it solely took one detrimental response for it to finish. And therein lies the rub with texting. All of it comes all the way down to a sequence of sentences exchanged separately, every with their very own capacity to be deadly. Texting makes all the pieces extra ultimate than it must be.

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I advised myself that if there was an opportunity to maneuver the connection past texting and switch it into one thing extra tangible, it might be well worth the potential agony, so I made my transfer.

I steered (by way of textual content) that one in all us make a visit to see the opposite, after which waited nervously for a response.

This felt like a make-or-break second.

A couple of hours glided by. Nothing. No reply. I went about doing errands, nonetheless searching for that distraction. On my manner house, my telephone lit up with a message simply as I pulled the automotive into my driveway. Her reply: “I’d be down for that :)”

Sure! I used to be again to feeling triumphant and ecstatic. I’d thought it was going nicely, however I didn’t really know till she agreed to satisfy. We started texting some choices backwards and forwards, making an attempt to sync up our schedules. We finally settled on an upcoming journey she was making with a gaggle of pals to say goodbye to a different good friend who was shifting out of city. She stated I might take part and that there could be loads of downtime for us to hang around collectively.

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I booked my flights and began planning. After which she texted again once more, apologizing: That is shifting too quick, she stated, this feels a little bit overwhelming.

I’m glad I booked refundable flights.

As disenchanted as I used to be, I couldn’t fault her. In some methods, I sensed this was coming. The irony was that this was essentially the most actual we’d been with one another. How might I fault her for sharing her emotions after I was searching for extra than simply small discuss despatched over the wire?

Honestly, I had additionally felt overwhelmed in my very own manner from the start.

We continued texting and stated we’d “see the place issues go.” However we each knew that this was the start of the tip. Quickly, our texting pale out completely.

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It labored out nicely for me in the long run, although. I moved to Boston, and I’ve met somebody, a fellow pupil. And now I’ve an absolute appreciation for attending to know somebody in individual, head to head.

The writer attends Harvard Enterprise College. He’s on Twitter @_neerajchandra.

L.A. Affairs chronicles the seek for romantic love in all its superb expressions within the L.A. space, and we wish to hear your true story. We pay $300 for a broadcast essay. E-mail LAAffairs@latimes.com. You could find submission tips right here. You could find previous columns right here.

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Making More Than Just Beautiful Music Together

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Making More Than Just Beautiful Music Together

Carol-Anne Drescher and Robert McMahon Carroll were musicians in the same wedding band for more than a year before their own love story began.

Both had joined the Dane Wright Band of Hank Lane Music, a production company that coordinates live bands, in April 2019 and met on their first gig that month at the Mansion at Oyster Bay, in Woodbury, N.Y. Mr. Carroll joined as the keyboard player, and Ms. Drescher is a singer for the group.

“We were filling a void for two members who got married to each other and moved,” Ms. Drescher said. “I found Rob intimidating, because he was very stone-faced and had a few tattoos.”

Mr. Carroll, though, was attracted to Ms. Drescher. “When I looked at Carol-Anne, I thought, ‘Uh-oh, I’m in trouble.’”

“Every time I tried to talk to Rob, he gave me one-word answers and didn’t engage,” Ms. Drescher, 32, said.

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Mr. Carroll, 33, said he had found Ms. Drescher “too forward and loud.”

The two became friends that August when Mr. Carroll drove Ms. Drescher to her apartment in Manhattan’s Washington Heights neighborhood after a wedding job in Montauk, N.Y. During the three-hour ride, they discovered their shared interests in reading, weight lifting and alternative rock.

[Click here to binge read this week’s featured couples.]

They began chatting outside of work, by text and phone, usually late into the night. “We used to send each other memes or swap names of cool books we had read,” Ms. Drescher said. “Rob had become a part of my daily life, and eventually, we started hanging out in person.”

Ms. Drescher had recently moved to New York from Annapolis, Md., and Mr. Carroll, who lived in New Hyde Park, N.Y., helped her explore her new home. “Rob used to take me to museums like MoMA and his favorite bars and restaurants,” she said.

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Mr. Carroll and Ms. Drescher also performed together at social and corporate events under the name Dane Wright, which is unrelated to their roles in the wedding band.

Their relationship turned romantic on Dec. 15, 2020, when they attended a mutual friend’s birthday party near New Hyde Park. “It got too late for Carol-Anne to take the train to Manhattan, so I offered for her to spend the night on my couch,” Mr. Carroll said. “When we got to my place, we talked and talked and couldn’t get enough of each other.”

At one point, Ms. Drescher grabbed Mr. Carroll’s hands and leaned in to kiss him. “I was worried about ruining our friendship, but the feeling was so strong,” she said. “Luckily, Rob was receptive and kissed me back passionately.”

Ms. Drescher knew she wanted to marry Mr. Carroll when she watched him sing the Chris Stapleton country love song “Tennessee Whiskey” at a wedding in January 2021. “His voice was beautiful, and he looked so sincere,” she said.

Ms. Drescher, who grew up in Annapolis, is a full-time musician who sings and plays several instruments, including the piano, drums, and bass guitar. She has a bachelor’s degree in music from James Madison University in Harrisonburg, Va., and another, in nursing, from Farmingdale State College on Long Island.

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Mr. Carroll is also a full-time musician who sings and plays several instruments, including the piano, guitar and drums, and performs at Catholic masses and funerals in Long Beach. He has a bachelor’s degree in music performance from Adelphi University in Garden City, N.Y.

When wedding season slowed in February and March 2021, the couple got closer but kept their courtship a secret from bandmates. They spent their days at Mr. Carroll’s home, cooking, watching movies and reading books. “Carol-Anne pretty much lived with me without it being official,” Mr. Carroll said. “It was clear that we were soul mates.”

When weddings picked up again in late April, and the two had no doubt about their commitment, they let their bandmates in on their romance. That same month, they moved into an apartment in Westbury, N.Y.

They became engaged on Aug. 14, 2023. Ms. Drescher walked into their living room to find Mr. Carroll on his knees, holding a box with the diamond ring that they had picked out months before.

In May 2024, the couple bought what they described as their “dream home,” a waterfront three-bedroom colonial, in Lindenhurst, N.Y. In another milestone, Ms. Drescher graduated from nursing school; she plans to pursue a career in the field while continuing as a musician.

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They married on March 7, before 140 guests at the Mansion at Oyster Bay, where they had performed in their first wedding together. Michelle LaRosa, who was ordained by After Hours Wedding Ministry, officiated.

During the reception, Mr. Carroll surprised Ms. Drescher and the crowd with a recording of a slow love ballad he had written for her, called “The One.” “The song is about finding that perfect person, which Carol-Anne is,” Mr. Carroll said.

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Richard Mille and Ferrari Bucked Luxury’s Slowdown. Now They’re Releasing a $1.5 Million Watch

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Richard Mille and Ferrari Bucked Luxury’s Slowdown. Now They’re Releasing a .5 Million Watch
Swiss watchmaker Richard Mille is renewing its deal with Ferrari and its F1 team. Limited quantities and savvy marketing plays have helped the brand build a $1.7 billion business—and steer clear of a downturn plaguing the luxury watch sector.
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The Virtual Meeting That Started It All

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The Virtual Meeting That Started It All

Sydney Chineze Mokel began working at the Conservation Law Foundation in Boston in April 2020. Since she couldn’t meet her co-workers in person because of the pandemic, she asked a dozen of them for virtual coffee dates.

Tommaso Elijah Wagner was the only one who booked a full hour.

“What are we going to talk about for that long?” she said she had wondered.

As it turned out, they found quite a bit to discuss, including the fact that both had studied Mandarin in college. At the foundation, she was working as a foundation relations coordinator; he was a program assistant.

The two, both 28, didn’t actually meet face to face until Halloween, when they were invited by a co-worker to attend the Isabella Stewart Gardner Museum, where masks were mandatory and distancing was recommended.

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Their collaboration on a staff initiative during Black History Month in February 2021 had them discussing Black joy and Afrofuturism and meeting in person at Kung Fu Tea, near Harvard Square in Cambridge, Mass., to exchange books. (She lent him “I Wonder as I Wander: An Autobiographical Journey,” by Langston Hughes; he lent her “The Fifth Season” by N.K. Jemisin.)

At their third book swap, in April, they met at the Loring Greenough House in the Boston neighborhood of Jamaica Plain. Mr. Wagner brought homemade iced tea, while Ms. Mokel brought cookies she had baked.

“I realized I had a raging crush on him that just appeared out of nowhere,” Ms. Mokel, who goes by Chi, said. At the end of that third meeting, she asked if their next hangout could be a date.

They planned to visit the Museum of Fine Arts a week later, followed by a dinner at Thaitation, a restaurant in the Fenway neighborhood. Mr. Wagner decided he didn’t want to wait that long. Ms. Mokel was having a yard sale, and a day or two before their date, he stopped by.

They soon found that they “fell into these rhythms that complemented each other,” Ms. Mokel said.

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While Ms. Mokel was already sure of her feelings for Mr. Wagner, their relationship was tested in late August 2021, when Ms. Mokel faced a hellish move from her home in Jamaica Plain to Cambridge. Mr. Wagner proved his mettle, getting out of bed at 6 a.m. to pilot the U-Haul. He brought her candy, too.

[Click here to binge read this week’s featured couples.]

Two years later, In September 2023, she moved in with Mr. Wagner, to Somerville, Mass., where they live today. They proposed to each other the following month.

Mr. Wagner recreated their third book swap, but put a ring inside the book at the Loring Greenough House, while Ms. Mokel had friends and family gather in their apartment as a surprise — both in person and on Zoom — for when they returned.

Though Ms. Mokel had taken a new job in December 2022, most of their colleagues only learned of their relationship after they were engaged.

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“I love how grounded Chi is, her deep knowledge of herself and her confidence in the person she is,” Mr. Wagner said. “I love her laugh, her eyes, and her smile.”

Ms. Mokel is the associate director of foundation relations at the Museum of Science in Boston. She has a bachelor’s degree from Northeastern University in international affairs.

Mr. Wagner is studying for a master’s degree in urban planning and policy at Northeastern and is an intern at the Boston-based Utile Architecture & Planning. He has a bachelor’s degree in environmental policy from Colby College.

Ms. Mokel’s father is a Nigerian immigrant of the Igbo tribe and her mother is African-American; she was raised Episcopalian. Mr. Wagner’s mother is of Jewish and Chinese ancestry, while his father is of English and German descent. His mother is culturally Jewish, while his father, who was an Episcopalian, is now a Buddhist.

The couple noticed similarities in Jewish and Igbo traditions — the shared reverence for humor and storytelling — and sought to incorporate both cultures into their wedding ceremony.

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They were married in front of 235 guests at Robbins Memorial Town Hall in Arlington, Mass., on March 8, by Rabbi Jen Gubitz, the founder of Modern Jewish Couples, an organization catering to interfaith and intercultural partners. The pair wore western dress for the ceremony — the bride in a vintage white gown she had bought secondhand on Poshmark — and changed into a Nigerian aso ebi dress, in forest green and gold, for the reception.

Appetizers included hot and sour soup and egg rolls, potato knishes and akara, Nigerian black-eyed pea fritters.

Before dinner, the bride’s oldest uncle blessed a kola nut, an Igbo tradition symbolizing unity. The couple danced the hora to Harry Belafonte’s “Hava Nagila,” as guests showered the couple with cash, a Nigerian wedding tradition known as the money spray.

“Tommaso is a charming mix of sweet and stubborn,” Ms. Mokel said. “Also, he has joined my family easily with an openness to embracing new cultural traditions and foods.”

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