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Covid deaths no longer overwhelmingly among unvaccinated as toll on elderly grows

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Covid deaths no longer overwhelmingly among unvaccinated as toll on elderly grows


Specialists say numbers present significance of boosters — and the dangers essentially the most weak nonetheless face

Arianne Bennett in her Northwest D.C. apartment. Her husband, Scott Bennett, in the photo at top right, died of covid-19 in January. He was fully vaccinated and boosted. (Matt McClain/The Washington Post)
Arianne Bennett in her Northwest D.C. condominium. Her husband, Scott Bennett, within the photograph at prime proper, died of covid-19 in January. He was totally vaccinated and boosted. (Matt McClain/The Washington Publish)

Unvaccinated folks accounted for the overwhelming majority of deaths in the USA all through a lot of the coronavirus pandemic. However that has modified in latest months, in keeping with a Washington Publish evaluation of state and federal knowledge.

The pandemic’s toll is now not falling nearly completely on those that selected to not get pictures, with vaccine safety waning over time and the aged and immunocompromised — who’re at biggest danger of succumbing to covid-19, even when vaccinated — having a tougher time dodging more and more contagious strains.

The vaccinated made up 42 % of fatalities in January and February throughout the extremely contagious omicron variant’s surge, in contrast with 23 % of the useless in September, the height of the delta wave, in keeping with nationwide knowledge from the Facilities for Illness Management and Prevention analyzed by The Publish. The information relies on the date of an infection and restricted to a sampling of instances wherein vaccination standing was identified.

As a gaggle, the unvaccinated stay way more weak to the worst penalties of an infection — and are way more prone to die — than people who find themselves vaccinated, and they’re particularly extra in danger than individuals who have acquired a booster shot.

Monitoring the coronavirus vaccine

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“It’s nonetheless completely extra harmful to be unvaccinated than vaccinated,” mentioned Andrew Noymer, a public well being professor on the College of California at Irvine who research covid-19 mortality. “A pandemic of — and by — the unvaccinated will not be right. Individuals nonetheless must take care when it comes to prevention and motion in the event that they turned symptomatic.”

A key rationalization for the rise in deaths among the many vaccinated is that covid-19 fatalities are once more concentrated among the many aged.

Practically two-thirds of the individuals who died throughout the omicron surge had been 75 and older, in keeping with a Publish evaluation, in contrast with a 3rd throughout the delta wave. Seniors are overwhelmingly immunized, however vaccines are much less efficient and their efficiency wanes over time in older age teams.

Specialists say they aren’t stunned that vaccinated seniors are making up a higher share of the useless, whilst vaccine holdouts died way more usually than the vaccinated throughout the omicron surge, in keeping with the CDC. As extra individuals are contaminated with the virus, the extra folks it’s going to kill, together with a higher quantity who’re vaccinated however among the many most weak.

What to know concerning the omicron variant and subvariant BA.2

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The majority of vaccinated deaths are amongst individuals who didn’t get a booster shot, in keeping with state knowledge supplied to The Publish. In two of the states, California and Mississippi, three-quarters of the vaccinated senior residents who died in January and February didn’t have booster doses. Regulators in latest weeks have licensed second booster doses for folks over the age of fifty, however administration of first booster doses has stagnated.

Although the dying charges for the vaccinated aged and immunocompromised are low, their losses numbered within the hundreds when instances exploded, forsaking blindsided households. However consultants say the rising variety of vaccinated folks dying shouldn’t trigger panic in those that acquired pictures, the overwhelming majority of whom will survive infections. As a substitute, they are saying, these deaths function a reminder that vaccines aren’t foolproof and that these in high-risk teams ought to take into account getting boosted and taking further precautions throughout surges.

“Vaccines are probably the most essential and longest-lasting instruments we have now to guard ourselves,” mentioned California State Epidemiologist Erica Pan, citing state estimates displaying vaccines have proven to be 85 % efficient in stopping dying.

“Sadly, that does go away one other 15,” she mentioned.

‘He didn’t anticipate to be sick’

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Arianne Bennett recalled her husband, Scott Bennett, saying, “However I’m vaxxed. However I’m vaxxed,” from the D.C. hospital mattress the place he struggled to struggle off covid-19 this winter.

Pals had a tough time believing Bennett, co-founder of the D.C.-based chain Amsterdam Falafelshop, was 70. The adventurous longtime entrepreneur hoped to purchase a bar and deliberate to renew scuba-diving journeys and 40-mile bike rides to George Washington’s Mount Vernon property.

Bennett went to get his booster in early December after returning to D.C. from a lodge he owned within the Poconos, the place he and his spouse hunkered down for fall. Just some days after his shot, Bennett started experiencing covid-19 signs, which means he was most likely uncovered earlier than the additional dose of immunity may kick in. His spouse suspects he was contaminated at a dinner the place he and his server had been unmasked at instances.

A fever-stricken Bennett limped into the hospital alongside his spouse, who was additionally contaminated, per week earlier than Christmas. He died Jan. 13, among the many 125,000 People who succumbed to covid-19 in January and February.

“He was completely shocked. He didn’t anticipate to be sick. He actually thought he was protected,’” Arianne Bennett recalled. “And I’m like, ‘However child, you’ve acquired to put on the masks on a regular basis. On a regular basis. Up over your nostril.’”

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Jason Salemi, an epidemiologist on the College of South Florida Faculty of Public Well being, mentioned the deaths of vaccinated individuals are among the many penalties of a pandemic response that emphasizes people defending themselves.

“When we’re not taking this collective effort to curb group unfold of the virus, the virus has confirmed time and time once more it’s actually good at discovering that subset of weak folks,” Salemi mentioned.

Whereas consultants say even the medically weak ought to really feel assured {that a} vaccine will most likely save their lives, they need to stay vigilant for indicators of an infection. As extra therapeutics turn into out there, early detection and therapy is essential.

When Wayne Perkey, 84, first began sneezing and feeling different chilly signs in early February, he resisted his doctor daughter’s plea to get examined for the coronavirus.

The legendary former morning radio host in Louisville had been boosted in October. He diligently wore a masks and saved his social engagements to a minimal. It should have been the frequent chilly or allergy symptoms, he believed. Even the doctor who ordered a chest X-ray and had no coronavirus checks readily available thought so.

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Perkey relented, and the take a look at got here again optimistic. He didn’t suppose he wanted to go to the hospital, whilst his oxygen ranges declined.

“In his final voice dialog with me, he mentioned, ‘I believed I used to be doing all the things proper,’” recalled Woman Sales space Olson, one other daughter, who lives in Virginia. “I imagine society is getting complacent, and clearly any person he was round was carrying the virus. … We’ll by no means know.”

From his hospital mattress, Perkey resumed a well-recognized position as a high-profile proponent for vaccines and coronavirus precautions. He was acquainted to many Kentuckians who grew up listening to his voice on the radio and watched him host the televised annual Campaign for Kids fundraiser. He spent a lot of the pandemic as a caregiver to his ex-wife who struggled with persistent fatigue and different long-haul covid signs.

“It’s the seventh day of my Covid battle, the worst day thus far, and my anger boils once I hear deniers speak about banning masks or social distancing,” Perkey wrote on Fb on Feb. 16, nearly precisely one 12 months after he posted about getting his first shot. “I keep in mind instances we cared about our neighbors.”

In messages to a household group chat, he struck an optimistic notice. “Thanks for all of the love and optimistic vitality,” he texted on Feb. 23. “Put on your masks.”

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As is commonly the case for covid-19 sufferers, his situation quickly turned for the more serious. His daughter Rebecca Sales space, the doctor, suspects a earlier bout with leukemia made it tougher for his immune system to struggle off the virus. He died March 6.

“Actually and really his ultimate days had been about, ‘This virus is unhealthy information.’ He mainly was saying: ‘Get vaccinated. Watch out. However there isn’t any assure,’” Rebecca Sales space mentioned. “And, ‘If you happen to suppose this isn’t a very unhealthy virus, take a look at me.’ And it’s.”

Hospitals, significantly in extremely vaccinated areas, have additionally seen a shift from covid wards stuffed predominantly with the unvaccinated. Many who find yourself within the hospital produce other situations that weakens the defend afforded by the vaccine.

Vaccinated folks made up barely lower than half the sufferers within the intensive care models of Kaiser Permanente’s Northern California hospital system in December and January, in keeping with a spokesman.

Gregory Marelich, chair of essential take care of the 21 hospitals in that system, mentioned a lot of the vaccinated and boosted folks he noticed in ICUs had been immunosuppressed, often after organ transplants or due to medicines for ailments corresponding to lupus or rheumatoid arthritis.

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“I’ve cared for sufferers who’re vaccinated and immunosuppressed and are in disbelief once they come down with covid,” Marelich mentioned.

‘There’s life potential in these folks’

Jessica Estep, 41, rang a bell celebrating her final therapy for follicular lymphoma in September. The only mom of two youngsters had settled into a brand new residence in Michigan, close to the Indiana border. After her first marriage ended, she discovered love once more and acquired married in a zoo in November.

As an asthmatic most cancers survivor, Estep knew she confronted a heightened danger from covid-19, family members mentioned. She noticed solely a decent circle of associates and labored in her personal workplace in her electronics restore job. She lived in an space the place round 1 in 4 residents are totally vaccinated. She deliberate to get a booster shot within the winter.

“She was essentially the most nonjudgmental individual I do know,” mentioned her mom, Vickie Estep. “It was okay along with her if folks didn’t masks up or get vaccinated. It was okay along with her that they exercised their proper of selection, however she simply needed them to try this away from her in order that she might be protected.”

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With Michigan battling back-to-back surges of the delta and omicron variants, Jessica Estep wasn’t capable of dodge the virus any longer — she fell ailing in mid-December. After surviving a most cancers medical doctors described as incurable, Estep died Jan. 27. Physicians mentioned the coronavirus basically turned her lungs into concrete, her mom mentioned.

Estep’s 14-year-old daughter now lives along with her grandparents. Her widower returned to Indianapolis simply months after he moved to Michigan to be along with his new spouse.

Her household shared her story with a neighborhood tv station in hopes of inspiring others to get vaccinated, to guard folks corresponding to Estep who couldn’t depend on their very own vaccination as a foolproof defend. In response to the station’s Fb submit concerning the story, a number of commenters shrugged off their pleas and insinuated it was the vaccines quite than covid inflicting deaths.

Immunocompromised folks and people with different underlying situations are value defending, Vickie Estep mentioned. “There’s life potential in these folks.”

A delayed shot

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As Arianne Bennett navigates life with out her husband, she hopes the lesson folks heed from his dying is to reap the benefits of all instruments out there to mitigate a virus that also finds and kills the weak, together with by getting boosters.

Bennett wore a music competition shirt her husband gave her as she walked right into a grocery retailer to get her third shot in March. Her husband urged her to get one once they returned to D.C., however she turned sick on the similar time he did. She scheduled the appointment for the earliest she may get the shot: 90 days after receiving monoclonal antibodies to deal with the illness.

“My booster! Yay!” Bennett exclaimed in her chair because the pharmacist introduced an up to date vaccine card.

“It’s been difficult, however we acquired by it,” the pharmacist mentioned, unaware of Scott Bennett’s dying.

Tears welled in Bennett’s eyes because the needle went in her left arm, simply over a 12 months after she and her husband acquired their first pictures.

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“Final time we acquired it, we took selfies: ‘Look, we had vaccines,’” Bennett mentioned, starting to sob. “This one leaves me crying, lacking him a lot.”

The pharmacist leaned over and gave Bennett a hug in her chair.

“He would need you to do that,” the pharmacist mentioned. “You must know.”

Lenny Bernstein contributed to this report.

Demise charges evaluate the variety of deaths in numerous teams with an adjustment for the variety of folks in every group. The dying charges listed for the totally vaccinated, the unvaccinated and people vaccinated with boosters had been calculated by the CDC utilizing a pattern of deaths from 23 well being departments within the nation that file vaccine standing, together with boosters, for deaths associated to covid-19. The CDC research assigns deaths to the month when a affected person contracted covid-19, not the month of dying. The most recent knowledge printed in April mirrored deaths of people that contracted covid as of February. The CDC research of deaths among the many vaccinated is on-line, and the info might be downloaded.

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The dying charges for totally vaccinated folks, unvaccinated folks and totally vaccinated individuals who acquired a further booster are expressed as deaths per 100,000 folks. The dying charges are additionally known as incidence charges. The CDC estimated the inhabitants sizes from census knowledge and vaccination information. The research doesn’t embrace partially vaccinated folks within the deaths or inhabitants. CDC adjusted the inhabitants sizes for inaccuracies within the vaccination knowledge. The dying knowledge is provisional and topic to alter. The research pattern consists of the inhabitants eligible for boosters, which was initially 18 and older, and now could be 12 and older.

To match dying charges between teams with completely different vaccination standing, the CDC makes use of incidence price ratios. For instance, if one group has a price of 10 deaths per 100,000 folks, the dying incidence price could be 10. One other group could have a dying incidence price of two.5. The ratio between the primary group and the second group is the speed of 10 divided by the speed of two.5, so the incidence price ratio could be 4 (10÷2.5=4). Meaning the primary group dies at a price 4 instances that of the second group.

The CDC calculates the dying incidence charges and incidence price ratios by age teams. It additionally calculates a worth for the complete inhabitants adjusted for the dimensions of the inhabitants in every age group. The Publish used these age-adjusted whole dying incidence charges and incidence price ratios.

The Publish calculated the share of deaths by vaccine standing from the pattern of dying information the CDC used to calculate dying incidence charges by vaccine standing. As of April, that knowledge included 44,000 deaths of people that contracted covid in January and February.

The share of deaths for every vaccine standing doesn’t embrace deaths for partially vaccinated folks as a result of they aren’t included within the CDC knowledge.

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The Publish calculated the share of deaths in every age group from provisional covid-19 dying information which have age particulars from the CDC’s Nationwide Heart for Well being Statistics. That knowledge assigns deaths by the date of dying, not the date on which the individual contracted covid-19. That knowledge doesn’t embrace any info on vaccine standing of the individuals who died.



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Crypto Giants Want to Buy Washington. They're Bankrolling Trump to Make It Happen

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Crypto Giants Want to Buy Washington. They're Bankrolling Trump to Make It Happen


Just before the three-day Bitcoin 2024 conference got underway in Nashville this week, Tyler Winklevoss, the bitcoin billionaire who founded the cryptocurrency exchange Gemini with his twin brother Cameron, had harsh words for presumptive Democratic presidential nominee Kamala Harris. He was incensed that after years of tension between the Biden administration and the crypto industry — many in the space have complained of a regulatory crackdown — the vice president had declined an invitation to the annual bitcoin extravaganza.

“She can’t even take the first step and show up to start mending fences,” Winklevoss tweeted on Wednesday. He added, ominously: “Our industry won’t forget this. We will show no mercy in November.” Earlier that day, Bitcoin Magazine CEO David Bailey, the organizer of the event, claimed in a tweet that a Democratic donor had told him Harris privately says that “Bitcoin is money for criminals.” (While the sum of money collected annually through crypto-based crime is in the billions, this represents a relatively small percentage of transactions.) Meanwhile, feverish rumors that an increasingly crypto-friendly Donald Trump might use his keynote speech at the conference to announce plans for adopting Bitcoin as a U.S. strategic reserve asset caused the price to surge. It had also soared after he survived an assassination attempt earlier this month, temporarily boosting confidence in his election bid.

But Harris had every reason to feel unwelcome at a bitcoin convention. Chief among them is that tech oligarchs and the crypto crowd have already thrown their lot in with Trump as they seek a freer hand in the economy of digital assets. Trump, meanwhile, has aggressively courted the movers and shakers of crypto finance, trying to sell himself as “the crypto president” who can reverse Joe Biden’s attempts to rein in the sector — this despite commenting himself in 2021 that bitcoin “seems like a scam.” In Saturday’s speech, Trump said that if he wins, “the United States will be the crypto capital of the planet and the bitcoin superpower of the world,” adding: “If crypto is going to define the future, I want to be mined, minted, and made in the USA. It’s not going to be made anywhere else. And if bitcoin is going to the moon, as we say … I want America to be the nation that leads the way, and that’s what’s going to happen. So you’re going to be very happy with me.”

Trump outlined several steps he would take to aid the crypto industry. “The day I take the oath of office, Joe Biden and Kamala Harris’ anti-crypto crusade will be over,” he said. Trump pledged, to great applause, that he would immediately fire Securities and Exchange Commission chair Gary Gensler, and replace him with an industry-friendly regulator. He said he would create a presidential crypto advisory council to create a new regulatory framework that would “benefit” the industry. And he warned the audience that if Democrats win in November, “every one of you will be gone. They will be vicious. They will be ruthless. They will do things that you wouldn’t believe.”

The remarks should fuel even more donations from crypto bulls already betting on Trump. Bitcoin Magazine‘s Bailey, for his part, committed to a goal of raising $15 million for Trump’s campaign during the Nashville event. Last month, the Winklevoss brothers — whose Gemini this year settled a lawsuit from the state of New York over a frozen crypto lending program, returning $2.2 billion to customers and paying a $37 million fine — pledged $1 million in bitcoin each to Trump’s campaign. The amounts exceeded the $844,600 maximum that the Trump 47 Committee, the joint fundraising group to which they donated, can legally accept from an individual, and the Winklevosses had the difference refunded. (Among other spending on GOP campaigns, the committee funnels money toward covering Trump’s legal bills.) They also each chipped in $250,000 for America PAC, the super PAC through which Elon Musk and allies are backing Trump.

Other America PAC donors include Shaun Maguire of VC firm Sequoia Capital, who has expressed interest in “legitimizing” crypto and announced a $300,000 Trump donation with a statement that argued “Democrats have been trying to regulate technology — especially open source AI and crypto in ways that incentivize the best builders to build outside of America.” He has poured half a million dollars into the super PAC. Ken Howery, a co-founder along with Peter Thiel of VC firm Founders Fund, which is heavily invested in crypto and blockchain technologies, has given $1 million. Another million came from Antonio Gracias, the former director of Tesla thought to have helped engineer the automaker’s purchase of $1.5 billion in bitcoin in 2021. His firm, Valor Equity Partners, invests millions in crypto businesses. Joe Lonsdale, co-founder of the software company Palantir and managing partner of the firm 8VC, gave $1 million to America PAC as well. Earlier this year, he mused on how artificial intelligence and crypto technologies could benefit one another.

And while he hasn’t donated to the PAC, Silicon Valley venture capitalist and close Musk associate David Sacks has given thousands directly to the Trump campaign. Two months ago, Sacks said he preferred Trump’s sudden crypto cheerleading to the Biden administration’s scrutiny. “It might have been pandering,” Sacks said at a business summit in May. “But at least he’s saying the right thing and Biden is not saying the right thing. At least if he’s pandering, there’s a higher chance that maybe he’ll do the right thing.” (Last year, on the tech and investment podcast All-In, Sacks floated the unsubstantiated claim that SEC chair Gensler, along with Sen. Elizabeth Warren, had forged an “alliance,” with Warren promising “she will make him Treasury Secretary if he basically destroys crypto in the U.S.”)

It’s not just about Trump, either. The super PAC Fairshake, bankrolled by crypto firms including Coinbase, Jump Crypto and Ripple, has become a major force in the financing of congressional races, backing candidates deemed allies of the industry and helping to unseat opponents including progressive Reps. Jamaal Bowman and Katie Porter with critical ads. It has received tens of millions from the Winklevosses and venture capitalists Marc Andreessen and Ben Horowitz of the firm Andreessen Horowitz, which invests in crypto companies. (Andreessen and Horowitz recently pledged to donate to Trump; Horowitz says the Biden administration “basically subverted the rule of law to attack the crypto industry.”) As of the end of June, Fairshake had close to $120 million in cash on hand, while two other crypto super PACs, Protect Progress and Defend American Jobs, have more than $5 million and nearly $2 million, respectively. The former has spent on media attacking Democrats pushing for consumer protections in crypto; the latter has doled out more than $15 million on endorsements for Republicans in the 2024 election cycle.

But while Trump had planned to ride this wave of cash by going after Biden for his record on cryptocurrency, it may be hard to use the same line against Harris, seen by some as potentially amenable to these businesses due to her background in tech-saturated San Francisco politics. And if a few major investors were stung to be snubbed by Harris this weekend, it’s still unclear what position she’ll take on the issue. On Friday, the Financial Times reported that Harris advisers have reached out to people close to crypto firms to try to “reset” relations with the industry.

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Even before Biden exited the race, the administration had made efforts to alleviate the bad blood between the White House and crypto evangelists, and the House passed a pro-crypto bill in May with support from 71 Democrats. Although Biden was not in favor of it, he did not say he would veto the legislation.

All the same, it would be ridiculous for crypto’s elite to try to disentangle their fortunes from Trump’s at this point, regardless of the direction Harris takes. They’ve made their pick and infused his campaign with considerable wealth, hoping for a president who takes a hands-off approach to their tokens and trading platforms. Now they just have to hope it’s enough to send Trump’s stock to the moon.





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Years after his dad drowned, this Commanders starter is teaching kids to swim

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Years after his dad drowned, this Commanders starter is teaching kids to swim


Cornelius Lucas III remembers everything about the day his father drowned on a family camping trip outside their home in New Orleans.

“We had a little campfire going. … I was running around. I was in and out the water, but I didn’t really go deep. My dad had went in the water deep a couple times, and I feel like this was his second or third time, maybe third or fourth time going back in the water.

“He literally asked me, ‘You want to come with me?’ I was like, ‘Nah, I’m just gonna stick back here and throw the football around.’ And I just remember seeing him walk out — as a kid, everything seemed bigger — but maybe like 40, 50 yards deep into the water. And then he — I saw his hands waving at me, and he just dipped underwater.”

People rushed out to help, but when they got there, they couldn’t find his father. He had been dragged under by a rip tide.

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“Forty-five minutes later, he floated back,” Lucas said.

“At the age of seven, I was out of having a dad, out of having my best bud, my best friend, my greatest — my best teacher, you know what I’m saying? Like, the guy that was put in this world to give me all the game that I’ve been searching for since then.”

Twenty-six years later, Lucas is a man, 6-foot-8, 327 pounds, a professional hitter with a goofball grin and the self-confidence he lacked growing up without his dad. Lucas believes his unlikely journey has led him to this moment with the Washington Commanders, where, entering the 11th season of his improbable NFL career, the longtime backup is competing for the huge role of starting left tackle and blindside protector for new franchise quarterback Jayden Daniels.

Lucas, 33, feels he’s doing well early in the competition with rookie Brandon Coleman, and unlike his first shot at being a full-time starter (his second season, with Detroit), he feels ready.

Many players who go undrafted out of college, as Lucas did out of Kansas State in 2014, get chewed up by the NFL. Their moment is darkened by the ever-present possibility of getting fired, and they’re often forced out of the league against their will, broken or brokenhearted. In his fifth year, Lucas was overwhelmed by repeated rejection and tried to quit by ignoring calls from his agent.

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It was in those difficult moments Lucas felt his father’s absence most.

“Outside of my coaches and my teammates to push me and tell me I could do this, I haven’t had someone I could call on and just tell them how I’m feeling, what’s going on,” he said.

“It’s really been a me situation. Like, me figuring it out. Me going home and sitting in silence for two hours because I got beat in practice, and I’m thinking about why I got beat and how I can’t get beat no more because I’m on the edge of getting cut, and you know — I’m saying it’s been stressful. ”

As he honed his skills, Lucas has grown mentally tough, observing people around him, looking for “life tidbits” and refining who he wants to be.

In 2018, everything came together. Lucas caught a break, played well in one game for his hometown New Orleans Saints and parlayed it into a job with Chicago, where he shined. In 2020, he signed a two-year deal with the Commanders, and in 2022, he signed another. Last summer, he felt like he finally “filled myself up enough to pour into others.”

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And he had an idea how: Swim camp. Every summer, NFL players host youth football camps across the country, and while he saw the value in them, he wanted to do something more personal. He attended pool parties growing up, even after his father’s death, but he still had never gone in a pool deeper than his height.

So he partnered with Son of a Saint, a nonprofit organization for fatherless boys in New Orleans, and figured he could show boys like him how to be a man and teach them a potentially lifesaving skill.

“I live in New Orleans, Louisiana,” Lucas said. “We are currently seven feet under sea level. In New Orleans, we get flooding. Hurricane Katrina, it was flooding for 45 days.”

This year, at his second camp, the only boy scared of the water was too big for anyone but Lucas to hold while learning to doggy paddle. Lucas encouraged him to go into the pool, urging him to fight their fear together.

“Trust me,” Lucas said. “I won’t let you drown.”

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Weeks later, Lucas left New Orleans for training camp extra motivated. His girlfriend — with whom he bonded, in part, over missing a parent — is pregnant with their first child, a son, due in early November. Sometimes, when Lucas notices her belly growing, it makes him want to go outside in the sun and practice.

“When he gets here, I just want him to see his daddy doing the right thing.”

Lucas wants to teach his son all the lessons he had to gather from others, such as how to mow the lawn or drive on the highway. He’s picking up even more from Instagram and TikTok. He hopes to one day teach his son to play tackle.

And he wants to throw his son in the water. He wants him to flail on his own at first, to fight to float, because he believes struggling will help his son get comfortable. Even if he doesn’t like to swim, Lucas’s top priority is for his son to never feel how he sometimes felt around water.

“He’s not gonna have a fear of it,” he said.

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Advice | Carolyn Hax: Fiancé secretly tracks ‘gold digger’s’ contribution to shared home

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Advice | Carolyn Hax: Fiancé secretly tracks ‘gold digger’s’ contribution to shared home


Adapted from an online discussion.

Dear Carolyn: My fiancé and I bought a house late last year, with help from his parents. Though we both make good salaries, he comes from a rich family, and I was raised by a single mom. His parents insisted on giving us the money for our down payment and closing costs, and my mom gave us a dishwasher, which was very generous of all of them and also appreciated.

We have been working like mad on fixing the house up to get it ready for our wedding. Neither of us is very experienced with DIY, so it’s been a difficult, stressful process and caused some tension between us. We were discussing what kind of flooring to get for the front hall, and I wanted the more expensive but easier-to-work-with stuff. We got into a fight that escalated to the point of him accusing me of being a gold digger who was after his money. I was in shock and asked him why he would think that, and he said, “Because you told me about how you grew up poor,” and he’s had the thought in the back of his head since we bought the house. He told me he has a spreadsheet where he keeps track of how much he’s spent on me versus how much I’ve spent on him and he has spent thousands more on me, not even counting the money his parents gave us.

I told him that didn’t sound right since we split all costs 50/50, and he admitted it included my engagement ring. It is a family heirloom his great-aunt gave him, but he was counting the value of it.

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Later he apologized, but I’m still hurt and angry. I feel paranoid that maybe his family said something. I’m really sad that all this time I’ve been loving him and thinking he was wonderful, and he’s been thinking this way about me and even documenting it so he could throw it in my face.

He’s said the spreadsheet is just an “anxiety thing” and he loves me and wants us to work on fixing things. I think I do, too, but then I think of what he said and I get overwhelmed. How can I get over this?

“Gold Digger”: Whoo. I don’t know. I don’t know that I could.

He not only has kept the thought in the back of his mind for months? years? that you have poor values and ulterior motives and can’t be trusted, but kept records in the event he needs to prove it.

I wish I had a more hopeful answer for you. But he either lashed out impulsively and didn’t mean it, or accidentally told the truth — those are the only two choices — and the first is a stretch when there’s a spreadsheet as evidence of the second.

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Plus, the first is so vicious in its own right.

He says he loves you, okay. But trusts? Respects? Believes in?

Does he feel lucky every day to be the person you chose?

Best case, “just an ‘anxiety thing,’” still casts you as a threat to be controlled. So the “work on fixing things” doesn’t sound like DIY, but instead couples counseling at the least.

The family paranoia, by the way, is wasted stress — each of you stands on your own authority in choosing your partner, 100 percent, or you’re not ready to be anyone’s partner. If he’s that susceptible to their influence, then the problem is still between the two of you, so that’s where your attention belongs.

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