Hi, Carolyn: My mom recently fell in love with someone she reconnected with from her college days, divorced my stepdad and is happy as can be.
Washington
Advice | Carolyn Hax: Mom dumped stepdad and wants to coo about her new love to her kid
![Advice | Carolyn Hax: Mom dumped stepdad and wants to coo about her new love to her kid](https://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-apps/imrs.php?src=https://arc-anglerfish-washpost-prod-washpost.s3.amazonaws.com/public/W76D33V63ZGFLABFTNN54DRDVE.jpg&w=1440)
But it’s driving me nuts! I don’t want to hear it. I’m sad about my stepdad, and although I 100 percent want her to be happy, I am admittedly holding my breath a little until the mooniness quiets down and I can tell this is the real deal.
She’s hurt that I’m not being supportive, and will make comments such as, “At least [so-and-so] wants me to be happy.”
Am I being a jerk for not unreservedly embracing this?
Anonymous: “Unreservedly” is about your feelings; you can’t be a jerk for having feelings, just for acting on them selfishly.
Do you see any selfishness in your letter?
I see plenty, but none of it appears to be yours. Your mom discarded your stepdad possibly with infidelity and apparently without compassion. And she’s oversharing shmoopie new love details without regard for your interest in them. And seems unwilling to consider that you can simultaneously care about your stepdad, want her happiness and want a little distance from it all.
Plus the theme song of this me-parade, “At least [so-and-so] wants me to be happy,” makes me want to jam my thumbs a little too hard into my own eyeballs.
So, no, I am not inclined to call you a jerk. Respecting your own discomfort is not selfish. Plus, you’ve clearly gone out of your way to be mindful of others’ feelings.
To that end, yes, honeymoon phases are gushy (and self-absorbed). And to really stretch the going-out-of-your-wayness, your mom arguably could also have been worn down by her marriage to your stepdad in ways no one outside the marriage could see.
So your patience with her is actually kind of sweet — assuming she didn’t groom you for it over a lifetime of woe-is-me emotional manipulation.
If you’re not sure which it is, then you can probably find out. Merely say this, next time she whines about what she perceives as your lack of support, and see how she reacts: “Mom, I 100 percent want you to be happy. But as your kid, I just don’t want gory details.”
She will be able to grasp this, easily, if she’s able to see far enough past herself to accept your right to say no.
Dear Carolyn: My husband and I have been married almost six decades. I can’t count the number of younger people who ask me what the secret is to a long marriage. What do I say? If I tell the truth about the constant work it is, it could discourage them from marriage. If I say, “Oh, just love each other,” that wouldn’t be true. What else could I say?
Still Working on It: The point is to answer honestly, not to answer in a way that preserves their willingness to marry. Isn’t it?
Ask them how detailed an answer they’d like, then speak from your experience accordingly. Ask more than you tell, even, to get at their concerns.
Presumably, that’s why people approach you. If they’re just looking to confirm their biases, then that’s not your problem, either. It’s theirs.
They may also intend only pleasant conversation and not expect serious counsel.
You are also, always, free not to advise on demand.
![](https://newspub.live/wp-content/uploads/2022/03/np-logo.png)
Washington
Pac-12 website now a lonely place after shedding departing members
![Pac-12 website now a lonely place after shedding departing members](https://cdn1.thecomeback.com/wp-content/uploads/sites/94/2023/12/oregon-state-washington-state-pac-2.jpg)
Everything about conference realignment and the total annihilation of the history and tradition of college athletics is coming into focus with the new football season fast approaching. For the Pac-12, that means what once was the Conference of Champions has now become a ghost town.
As Pac-12 Network has shut down operations, some staff and on-air talent have moved over to the Big Ten Network to provide coverage of the four west coast teams that have joined their traditional Rose Bowl counterparts (Oregon, Washington, USC, UCLA).
The so-called “Four Corners” schools are now a part of the Big XII including the returning Colorado as well as Utah, Arizona, and Arizona State.
And somewhat incomprehensibly, California and Stanford are now part of the Atlantic Coast Conference (with SMU) in perhaps the most bizarre realignment of them all.
That’s left the Pac-12 with just two unwanted castoffs, Oregon State and Washington State. And with many of these realignment deals now becoming official ahead of the 2024-2025 academic calendar, the fallout is becoming very real.
The most stark realization is a trip to the Pac-12 website, which is now dedicated to the remaining Pac-2… and not much else.
The banner headline is the CW-Fox home football schedule that was struck earlier this year to gain distribution nationally for the former Power 5 schools. That story is dated all the way back to May 14th.
The news archives are stories that are only dedicated to the two remaining with the last story referencing any of the departed schools being the Pac-12 rowing championships won by Stanford (women) and Washington (men) respectively.
The only functioning schedule on the site is the current football schedules for Oregon State and Washington State with pretty much everything else unknown at this point.
Finally, here’s what the bottom banner of the website looks like with links to OSU and WSU athletics.
It’s a sad reminder of what’s been lost through conference realignment and also a jarring reality of the future that faces the Pac-2. If they can’t strike a deal with the Mountain West or another conference to keep the brand in tact, it might not be too long before it’s totally gone for good.
Washington
Advice | Amy Dickinson says goodbye in her final column
![Advice | Amy Dickinson says goodbye in her final column](https://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-apps/imrs.php?src=https://arc-anglerfish-washpost-prod-washpost.s3.amazonaws.com/public/HTXU3JWTBRAXXNFDEUEEE2AJQM.jpg&w=1440)
But I’m leaving this seven-day-a-week commitment — because I want to, and because it’s time. My intention is to move on and to do other meaningful work.
Writing this column has given me a glimpse into thousands of lives. The insight I have gained has inspired and empowered me to listen to my own counsel, to be authentic in my actions and to — basically — be in charge of my own life, as much as possible. Showing myself the door at this moment reflects the privilege of good health, strong relationships, years of steady employment and some prudent financial choices. I’m very aware of how lucky I am.
My favorite way to envision this work is to picture families reading these columns together at the breakfast table and weighing in with their own points of view before reading mine. And yes, there are still parents and grandparents out there who clip the newspaper and send pertinent columns to kids in college or summer camp, or tape it to refrigerators and bathroom mirrors. I’ve heard from health-care workers, police officers, firefighters and office workers who say they discuss the issues raised in the column in the break room.
I love knowing that, and I’ll miss having coffee with you.
The questions raised in this space have been used as teaching tools in middle schools, memory care units, ESL classes and prisons. These are perfect venues to discuss ethical, human-size dilemmas. On my last day communicating with you in this way, I feel compelled to try to sum up my experience by offering some lasting wisdom, but I’ve got no fresh insight. Everything I know has been distilled from wisdom gathered elsewhere.
Boxer Mike Tyson famously said, “Everybody has a plan, until they get punched …” Punches are inevitable. But I do believe I’ve learned some universal truths that might soften the blows.
Be gentle with yourself — and with others.
Lead with kindness, and recognize kindness when you receive it.
Reserve your harshest judgment. Sit on your worst thoughts about other people and consider the consequences before expressing them.
Be of service by finding something, or someone, to take care of.
Find creative ways to express your feelings.
Admit to your faults and failings, and resolve to do better.
Work hard not to be defined by the worst things that have happened to you.
Recognize even the smallest blessings and express gratitude.
Be kind to receptionists, restaurant servers, dental hygienists, and anyone who needs to physically touch or serve you to do their job.
Understand that there are times when it is necessary to give up.
Identify, develop, or explore your core ethical and/or spiritual beliefs.
Recognize and detach from your own need to control someone else.
Respect boundaries — yours and others’.
Seek the counsel of people who are wiser than you are. Ask their advice, and listen.
I sometimes supply “scripts” for people who have asked me for the right words to say, and so I thought I would boil these down to some of the most important statements I believe anyone can make.
I love you, just as you are.
Now that I’m near the end of my movie, I hope you’ll pay attention to the end credits.
Many thanks to Chicago friends and colleagues, including Jim Warren, who found me, Ann Marie Lipinski, who hired me, Steve Mandell, who represented me, and editors Mary Elson, Bill O’Connell and Carrie Williams. Thank you to “Gentleman Jack” Barry, who softened my exit.
And especially to Tracy Clark, a talented novelist who has helped to correct my faulty thinking and grammar for many years.
Finally, much gratitude to faithful readers, who can find me on social media and through my regular newsletter.
© 2024 by Amy Dickinson. Distributed by Tribune Content Agency.
Washington
Kinkajou found abandoned and wandering Washington state road
![Kinkajou found abandoned and wandering Washington state road](https://cf-images.us-east-1.prod.boltdns.net/v1/static/694940094001/a5031080-72a6-4421-8125-e9c7e3f3dd7d/79591b12-11b7-494b-b0fe-ed1090d4137a/1280x720/match/image.jpg)
Peekaboo!
A small raccoon-like mammal known as a “kinkajou” was rescued earlier this week after being found climbing a dusty Washington road pole. The nocturnal critters are indigenous to the rainforest and were once made popular as an exotic pet by Paris Hilton.
The rescued kinkajou was seen peeking around a wooden sign pole at a rest area in East Selah, Yakima County, according to a photo posted to X Monday by the Washington State Department of Transportation.
The agency says it wasn’t sure if the kinkajou, also known as a honey bear, was dropped off there or escaped, but it has since been brought to the Association of Zoos and Aquariums for a comprehensive wellness exam at its animal hospital.
KINKAJOU BARGES INTO FLORIDA WOMAN’S APARTMENT, ATTACKS HER BOYFRIEND, OFFICIALS SAY
A small raccoon-like mammal known as a kinkajou was rescued this week after being found climbing a dusty Washington state road pole. (Washington State Department of Transportation I SGranitz/WireImage )
“We are awaiting the results of diagnostic testing, including comprehensive blood work, to get a complete assessment of his health,” the zoo posted to Facebook along with a short video of the examination.
Head Veterinarian Dr. Karen said the young kinkajou is in fair health overall but is very thin, weighing only 2½ pounds. He has a good appetite, and staff is feeding him a full and healthy diet, the zoo said in the post.
“This young kinkajou’s survival is a testament to the collaborative efforts of state wildlife law enforcement and the Zoo, highlighting the dangers of the illegal pet trade,” the post added.
The zoo said that while kinkajous are not endangered, they are hunted for fur, meat and the exotic pet trade, which threatens their wild population. Its skin is often used to make wallets and horse saddles.
PARIS HILTON BITTEN BY PET KINKAJOU
![Kinkajou in rehabilitation](https://a57.foxnews.com/static.foxnews.com/foxnews.com/content/uploads/2024/06/1200/675/kinkajou2.jpg?ve=1&tl=1)
A small tree-hugging “kinkajou” was rescued this week after being found climbing a dusty Washington road pole. (Washington State Department of Transportation I Point Defiance Zoo & Aquarium, right.)
Kinkajous live in tropical rainforests from southern Mexico through Brazil. They are small carnivores with prehensile tails, often mistakenly called primates, the zoo said.
The kinkajou has sandy yellow fur, a round head, large black eyes and a short, pointed snout as well as short limbs. Mature kinkajous can weigh up to about 10 pounds and stretch to 52 inches in length. They feed on fruits, roots, shoots, nuts and seeds.
“Despite their cuteness, kinkajous do not make good pets,” the zoo said, although that hasn’t stopped socialite Hilton from owning one.
The influencer and activist has been pictured in the past holding a kinkajou she called “Baby Luv.”
CLICK HERE FOR THE FOX NEWS APP
![A Kinkajou](https://a57.foxnews.com/static.foxnews.com/foxnews.com/content/uploads/2024/06/1200/675/85623213-Untitled-design.jpg?ve=1&tl=1)
Kinkajou Harley is held by San Francisco Zoo Education Specialist Amy Goodwin during an event at the San Francisco Zoo & Gardens at the Willie Woo Woo Wong Chinese playground Feb. 17, 2016, in San Francisco. (Leah Millis/San Francisco Chronicle via Getty Images)
Baby Luv bit Hilton in the arm in 2006, prompting her to go to a hospital, where the wound was treated and given a tetanus shot.
The National Institutes of Health says kinkajou bites require the usual tetanus prophylaxis, rabies vaccine and wound cleaning. In most cases, antibiotics are prescribed to prevent the development of cellulitis or osteomyelitis.
![A photo of Paris Hilton](https://a57.foxnews.com/static.foxnews.com/foxnews.com/content/uploads/2023/11/1200/675/ff24ec44-paris-hilton.jpg?ve=1&tl=1)
Paris Hilton attends the 2023 LACMA Art+Film Gala at the Los Angeles County Museum of Art Nov. 4, 2023, in Los Angeles. (Emma McIntyre/Getty Images for LACMA)
The zoo said the kinkajou is recuperating at the zoo while officials look to find it a permanent home.
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