Dear Carolyn: For the last three years, my adult daughter has been in a polyamorous relationship with a married couple. They live in another state, and I’ve met the couple only twice. I like the wife more than the husband. She’s similar to my daughter. Both women hold well-paying jobs with potential for advancement. The husband puts in his 40 hours at a mediocre job, then plays video games while his wife and my daughter take care of the house.
Washington
Advice | Carolyn Hax: Mom worries about daughter’s family plans with polyamorous couple
But here’s where things have gotten really difficult for me. The couple recently decided to have a baby. My daughter announced this by telling me out of the blue, “You could be a grandmother soon.” I hate to be shallow, but any baby this couple has will not feel like my grandchild.
After I processed the information for a few days, my daughter and I had a long talk. I expressed my feelings, that the baby would have two sets of doting biological grandparents and I would just be some woman they saw every once in a while. I also asked my daughter if she was ready for the many changes a baby would make to their lives.
My daughter said she understood. Well, suddenly, she tells me she will adopt the baby as a “third parent.” (The wife is not yet pregnant.) I asked her if she fully understood all that adoption entailed. If she and the couple ever broke up, she would still be the child’s legal parent. I asked her why she felt the need to adopt the child and advised her to see an attorney before making any decision.
I’m worried she’s planning to adopt because of my remark about not feeling a grandmotherly connection. Also, could they be using my daughter as a cash cow to finance their dream? I’m confused and losing sleep. Do I keep my mouth shut or give my honest opinion when asked? I love my daughter dearly and would hate to drive a wedge between us.
Struggling Mom: I have a bunch of opinions right now, and I doubt “wouldn’t feel like a real grandmother” would be foremost among them if I were in your position. Though none of us knows how we will feel until we get to a situation ourselves.
This I do know: Your daughter’s domestic arrangements are not for you (or me) to fix for her, and your feelings are not for your daughter to fix for you.
Some part of your daughter’s life will always confuse you — that’s in a kid’s job description. But you can go a long way toward easing your mind if you keep those basic lines clear. Her home life is hers, and your feelings are yours.
Your responses so far to her news have blurred these lines. (In a food-processor kind of way.) Unless she asked your opinion, your warnings and concerns were incursions into her business. Well-meaning, for sure, but incursions nonetheless. A would-be grandmother is no more entitled to weigh in on an adult’s family planning than anyone else.
Plus, um, the thing you carefully composed as, “Are you sure you’re ready for the big life changes?” always comes out as, “You shouldn’t have a baby!” Always. Ask anyone who has been on the receiving end.
Your daughter is still communicating with you after this, so that’s good. You two are strong, I’m guessing.
Meanwhile, it is not her job to make life choices that help her parent feel better. Adults get to have or not have children as they are able to and see fit to. If you want to feel like a grandmother, then make the best of the opportunities — the grandchildren — you’re given. What else can I say? What else can you do?
I don’t mean to sound unfeeling. As I said at the outset, I have plenty of thoughts of my own here; they’re simply not relevant to the math of the situation. Which is:
· Your daughter will do what your daughter will do.
· You do not have a meaningful say in what that is.
· Your choice is to embrace your daughter, as is, misgivings and all, and any baby if there ever is one, or to distance yourself.
· If this choice comes with feelings you feel unable to manage or contain, then don’t expect your daughter to help you with that. Seek help from outside your shared family circle.
· If she asks your advice on X, ask how she feels about X and proceed from there.
· And if you already feel more distant from your daughter than you would like, then now beats later as the time to try to remedy that.
You were right to make one point, even if she already knew it: lawyer. Laws and families are evolving. Plus, the wise leave neither their hearts nor their children’s custody to chance.
Last thing, for you: If you ever think there’s no place for you amid younger generations because they’ve changed too much, then the mistake is yours. Adapt, or don’t; not one digit of that math has changed.
4 things to know about the weather:
- Nice Mother’s Day morning
- Shower chance late Sunday
- Morning showers on Monday
- Temperature drop to start the new workweek
Happy Mother’s Day to all the moms! Mother Nature will give us nice conditions for most of the day on Sunday. Expect sunshine and mild conditions for the first half of the day, then a chance of showers near dinner time.
Monday includes a chance of rain, mainly in the morning, then cooler air settles into the area. Highs go from near 80°on Sund ay to the mid 60s Monday.
Download the NBC Washington app on iOS and Android to check the weather radar on the go.
QuickCast
MOTHER’S DAY:
Mostly sunny
Showers late
Wind: W 5-10 mph
HIGH: Low 80s
MONDAY:
Shower chance early
Partly cloudy afternoon
Wind: W 5-10 mph
HIGH: Mid 60s
TUESDAY:
Sunny
Wind: N 5-10 mph
HIGH: Upper 60s
SUNRISE: 6:00 a.m. SUNSET: 8:09 p.m.
AVERAGE HIGH: 75° AVERAGE LOW: 56°
Stay with Storm Team4 for the latest forecast. Download the NBC Washington app on iOS and Android to get severe weather alerts on your phone.
An 18-year-old who was shot and wounded in Northwest D.C.’s Tenleytown neighborhood on Thursday afternoon has died, authorities say.
Brady Flowers Jr., of Southwest, was the victim, police said in an update Saturday.
Flowers was found shot in the 4500 block of Wisconsin Avenue NW, behind the CVS store. Jackson-Reed High School and American University are nearby.
Flowers was rushed to a hospital with life-threatening injuries and pronounced dead a day later, police said.
Police said 10-15 teens were seen running after the gunshots.
An investigation is underway. Anyone with potentially relevant information is asked to contact police.
News4 sends breaking news stories by email. Go here to sign up to get breaking news alerts in your inbox.
Washington
Governor Moore Continues “Delivering for Maryland” Tour in Washington County, Highlighting Transportation Infrastructure, Economic Development, and Early Childhood Education
Updated:
ANNAPOLIS, MD — Governor Wes Moore today continued his statewide “Delivering for Maryland” tour with a series of engagements in Washington County, highlighting vital investments in local transportation infrastructure, manufacturing job growth, and early childhood education. The governor emphasized state contributions to modernize the Hagerstown Regional Airport, toured the state-of-the-art Hitachi Rail facility, and celebrated the opening of a new child care center in the South End of Hagerstown funded by the administration’s historic ENOUGH Initiative.
“From investing $1.5 million to update Hagerstown Regional Airport’s aging control tower to supporting 1,300 jobs at Hitachi Rail, the Moore-Miller administration is delivering for Hagerstown, Washington County, and Western Maryland,” said Gov. Moore. “Through our administration’s ENOUGH Initiative partnerships and investments, we’ve tripled child care capacity in the South End of Hagerstown — because no parents should be forced to pick between staying in the workforce or securing quality care for their kids.”
The governor began the day at the Hagerstown Regional Airport, touring the Air Traffic Control Tower and airport grounds. During the visit, Governor Moore highlighted the State’s $1.5 million Fiscal Year 2027 investment to complete the design for a critical replacement of the airport’s aging air traffic control facility. As a primary airport in the Maryland Aviation System Plan, the Hagerstown Regional Airport is a vital economic engine for Washington County, supporting more than 1,800 jobs and generating over $140 million in local business revenue.
Following the airport tour, Governor Moore visited the Hitachi Rail STS facility alongside Congresswoman April McClain Delaney, Senator Mike McKay, Senator Paul Corderman and state transportation leaders. The governor toured the factory floor and rode a test train to observe the manufacturing process. Opened in September 2025 with the support of a $1.6 million state conditional loan, the 307,000-square-foot, carbon-neutral facility is a $100 million capital investment by Hitachi. The factory supports 1,300 jobs — including 460 newly created jobs — and is actively manufacturing railcars for both the Maryland Transit Administration and the Washington Metropolitan Area Transit Authority.
“Hitachi Rail has built a cutting-edge model for advanced manufacturing here in Western Maryland which is focused on delivering clean, safe, efficient regional transportation across our state and the rest of the country,” said Congresswoman April McClain Delaney. “This facility is powered by Maryland’s second-to-none workforce and world-class innovation environment. I’m proud to work with Governor Moore and our public, private, and philanthropic partners to drive global investment that supports jobs and economic growth along our I-270 Tech Corridor.”
Governor Moore concluded the day at the Children’s Learning and Empowerment Center in the South End of Hagerstown, where he met with parents, children, and community leaders. During the visit, the Governor highlighted the administration’s ENOUGH Initiative, which provided critical support for the center’s opening. The new facility is a major win for the community, tripling local childcare capacity with 24 new slots and generating six new early childhood education jobs.
The Children’s Learning and Empowerment Center’s opening was accelerated by a $100,000 investment from San Mar Family & Community Services, the ENOUGH grantee in Hagerstown. ENOUGH grant funding was also supplemented by a $100,000 philanthropic contribution from the Bainum Family Foundation — a member of the ENOUGH Alliance — to complete necessary facility upgrades. The center’s completion underscores the strength of the ENOUGH Initiative’s public-private partnerships to deliver on community priorities and work towards ending child poverty.
Governor Moore’s visit to Washington County follows the third stop of his “Delivering for Maryland” tour in Montgomery County, where he marked a historic milestone by installing the final segment of rail for the Purple Line. This installation completes the 16.2-mile light rail corridor connecting Bethesda and New Carrollton, with passenger service expected to begin in late 2027. The governor also visited Max’s Best Ice Cream in Bethesda, a local business dedicated to creating meaningful employment opportunities for individuals with intellectual and developmental disabilities through the Best Buddies Jobs program.
###
-
Pittsburg, PA1 second ago
New Market Square rule for kids under 18 gets mixed reviews as enforcement continues
-
Augusta, GA6 minutes agoMother’s Day concert brings gospel music to Augusta
-
Washington, D.C12 minutes ago
BXP Headquarters Shift Highlights Tenant Strategy And Washington DC Portfolio Choices
-
Cleveland, OH18 minutes ago10 Takeaways from Cavs Game 4 win over Pistons: Cleveland shows they can match Detroit’s physicality
-
Austin, TX24 minutes agoLetter to the editor from Texas emeritus professor on Dell donation
-
Alabama30 minutes agoAlabama mom sentenced to life for hiring hitman to kill her child’s father over custody dispute
-
Alaska36 minutes agoAlaska Republicans reelect Carmela Warfield as party chair
-
Arizona42 minutes agoWhere to watch New York Mets vs Arizona Diamondbacks: TV channel, start time, streaming for May 10
