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Advice | Ask Amy: Reader provides update on abusive relationship

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Advice | Ask Amy: Reader provides update on abusive relationship


Dear Readers: Periodically, I ask for “Updates” regarding questions which have been published in this space. I am naturally curious about how things might have turned out for people who have received my advice. This column is devoted to a Q&A that was originally published in 2021. You can read the original question, followed by my answer. The update follows that.

Dear Amy: My boyfriend of almost three years is very childish. If I do something he does not like, he will try to get me back or even the score in some way. For instance, I do not want to do a particular act in the bedroom. It makes me super-uncomfortable. No matter how many times I explain this, he says it’s his favorite thing and if I don’t do it, then it’s a dealbreaker. So sometimes I suffer through it, but other times I flat-out refuse.

Well, the other day, I refused. Now he won’t kiss me. He says that since I won’t do that for him, kissing is off the table until I do it. How is that fair? How can we navigate through this without calling it quits? I want to make him happy, but I also don’t want to do what he’s asking me to do. Your advice would be greatly appreciated!

— Underperforming in Rhode Island

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Underperforming: I wouldn’t describe your boyfriend’s behavior as “childish,” so much as “deeply troubling,” “manipulative,” and “abusive.” Those are only some words that come to mind. (There are other words, of course, but — they aren’t publishable.)

Couples definitely bargain and negotiate with one another over all sorts of things, including “acts in the bedroom.” This is not a negotiation. This is … game over. He is coercing, manipulating, and — I assume — cornering you into doing something you have stated many times that you don’t want to do. Then, when he is not able to force you to do his “favorite thing,” he punishes you. This is pretty much the definition of domestic abuse.

Now he is withholding affection. Later, he might punish you in other ways and for other reasons, if you don’t “make him happy.” This is not love. This is control. Regular readers know that I rarely say this, but — get out. I’ll come and get you, myself.

The National Sexual Assault Hotline is available 24/7. Their impressive website (RAINN.org) offers a wonderful “chat” function, available all-hours. You could “gut check” my reaction by calling or chatting online with a counselor: 800-656-HOPE (4673).

Dear Amy: I’m happy to provide this update. I was really surprised to read your response and I was even more taken aback when I realized that everything you said was true. I stayed with my now ex-boyfriend until we were a little over three years into our relationship. Sadly, nothing changed. Our relationship actually got worse. The last straw for me was when he flat-out started verbally abusing me, calling me names and yelling at me — in front of my daughter. I broke it off right then and there.

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It took five months for him to move out, begging me to give him another chance. He never changed his behavior during that time and was still withholding affection whenever he felt like I needed to be punished. He tried to “propose” (with no ring), and even cried about our breakup, but when I said no to getting back together, he laughed in my face because he said he’d been lying when he said he was sorry. Thankfully, after he moved out (which was well over a year ago), I have not heard from him since!

I just want to thank you immensely for helping me to see things clearly! I am finally FREEEEE!!

— No Longer Underperforming

No Longer: Your “update” is a gift! I’m so glad I didn’t have to come get you — that drive to Rhode Island is a long one.

Dear Amy: I was quite disgusted by your sarcastic tone in your response to “Frustrated in Texas,” when you wrote: “ It’s a shame that caring for your dogs and horses is preventing you from caring for an elderly human.” Humans have choices. Animals don’t. They are helpless. You owe this person an apology.

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Upset: Many readers called me out for that line. I maintained that “Frustrated” was using her responsibilities to her animals as a reason not to assist her elderly mother-in-law, who was also helpless. Regardless, I do apologize for the sarcastic tone.

© 2024 by Amy Dickinson. Distributed by Tribune Content Agency.



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Washington

Ukraine peace talks pushed back as Washington juggles Iran crisis

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Ukraine peace talks pushed back as Washington juggles Iran crisis


The three sides last convened a week ago, and the Ukrainian leader stressed that he remains “ready to work in all formats” to pursue a breakthrough toward ending the war.

Meanwhile, U.S. special envoy Steve Witkoff held what he described as “productive and constructive” discussions in Florida with Kremlin representative Kirill Dmitriev.

Witkoff said the fate of Donbas remains a central sticking point, with Kyiv continuing to reject Moscow’s demands that it relinquish control of the territory.

Ukrainian officials, meanwhile, were restoring electricity to capital and other areas of the country after emergency power outages on Saturday swept across several Ukrainian cities as well as neighboring Moldova, officials said. Ukraine’s Energy Minister Denys Shmyhal said the outages were due to a technical malfunction affecting power lines linking Ukraine and Moldova.

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The failure “caused a cascading outage in Ukraine’s power grid,” triggering automatic protection systems, Shmyhal said.





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Only a ‘macho man’ makes it big in Trump’s Washington

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Only a ‘macho man’ makes it big in Trump’s Washington


I was sitting in the waiting room of the hospital reading the newspaper while my wife, Marianne, was having a routine outpatient procedure.

When a nurse finally came in to tell me the procedure was over and that we would soon be free to leave, she smiled and added, “Nice purse you have there.”

The purse was turquoise with dark blue, swirly images of palm trees, which was, I admit, appealing.

She, of course, was proffering a well-worn joke about a man and a purse, which, by custom in our country, is exclusive to women. It was Marianne’s, and I didn’t give a thought to holding it for her, a fact the nurse likely registered from my equanimous smile.

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I have no anxiety about manhood or how I am perceived based on superficial manifestations, whether it’s a colorful purse or a pink suitcase, which I do happen to use since pink was the American Tourister selection discounted 40% on Amazon.

I also must confess to having taken pleasure, in my 20s, in upsetting stereotypes held by friends on the right about liberal, socially conscious English teachers, when I bested them in football and softball, and then afterward in the sports bar at arm wrestling.

I wasn’t always so confident. At 16, I practiced wearing an intimidating scowl in the bedroom mirror, rolled up my sleeves to accentuate my budding biceps, and suffered frostbite rather than wear the mittens my mother bought me for Christmas.

If any of that seems familiar, it’s similar to what Donald Trump, Pete Hegseth, Josh Hawley, Robert F. Kennedy Jr. and other Republican males have been doing to burnish their MAGA credentials. Hegseth, in particular, has been criticized for sophomoric bravado, though his arrogance more often comes off as whining.

Hypermasculinity is all the rage

Of course, these are not 16-year-old boys insecure about their testosterone levels. Instead, this is an administration trying to compensate for mistakes and an absence of vision and of policy successes with appeals of hypermasculinity.

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Can’t come up with a health care plan, a peace deal for Ukraine, or a defense for endangering American troops by divulging classified information to your relatives? Let’s do pushups on TV, announce plans to build the biggest warships in history, and blow up 35 boats in the Caribbean and Pacific that may or may not have been carrying drugs.

Can’t fix rising prices at home or bury incriminating Epstein files? Instead, let’s unleash swarms of armed, masked enforcers into American cities and launch a massive invasion of hapless Venezuela.

The GOP saw that the macho man appeal worked in getting 55% of male voters to elect Trump over female candidate Kamala Harris in 2024, including double the percentage of Black males who voted for him in 2020, and 54% of Hispanic men.

But Trump’s blatant bait and switch, promising peace and affordability on Day 1, but then goosing prices even higher with tariffs, and starting a needless war, is less likely to fool them twice.

When I became an adult, I learned that using common sense and being true to your principles are more important and less embarrassing than trying to mimic synthetic standards of manliness cooked up by Hollywood, Marvel Comics, or professional wrestling. I credit my perspective to my father, whose life-navigating ease I admired.

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Charles McGrath Sr. was an accomplished and athletic Army captain during World War II. Later, when he became a father, he would not have been mistaken for a macho man with his “dad bod” and hobby jeans. But he impressed upon me and my brothers that respecting his wife and our mother, caring about other people, especially those less fortunate, and solving problems with listening and logic and compromise, instead of tough talk, intransigence and violence, were the gold standards of manhood and leadership.

Rather than preach those truths, he taught by example, one of which I wrote about in 2023, when he showed how intellect and empathy inspire more confidence than machismo and braggadocio.

So, when President Trump has talked tough, threatened allies, belittled women, mocked the disabled, denigrated minorities and “s- – -hole countries,” and boasted about his power and cognitive tests, was he demonstrating authentic manhood? Or was he, instead, throwing up a smoke screen to occlude his broken promises, past and present failures, and future fears and insecurities?

I’d be less inclined to complain, were he not doing so at the expense of our country’s soldiers and the American taxpayer.

David McGrath is an emeritus English professor at College of DuPage and author of “Far Enough Away,” a collection of Chicago area stories.

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Deceased man may have slashed neck on window trying to break into DC home

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Deceased man may have slashed neck on window trying to break into DC home


Workers discovered a man’s body in a bush at a home in Northwest D.C. Thursday afternoon.

Detectives are investigating the possibility the man was trying to break into a home on Idaho Avenue in Cathedral Heights, sources familiar with the investigation told News4. He may have cut his neck on window class trying to get inside.

Police have not released details about the man.

The investigation closed Idaho Avenue near Massachusetts Avenue for a few hours Thursday afternoon.

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