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Advice | Ask Amy: Reader provides update on abusive relationship

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Advice | Ask Amy: Reader provides update on abusive relationship


Dear Readers: Periodically, I ask for “Updates” regarding questions which have been published in this space. I am naturally curious about how things might have turned out for people who have received my advice. This column is devoted to a Q&A that was originally published in 2021. You can read the original question, followed by my answer. The update follows that.

Dear Amy: My boyfriend of almost three years is very childish. If I do something he does not like, he will try to get me back or even the score in some way. For instance, I do not want to do a particular act in the bedroom. It makes me super-uncomfortable. No matter how many times I explain this, he says it’s his favorite thing and if I don’t do it, then it’s a dealbreaker. So sometimes I suffer through it, but other times I flat-out refuse.

Well, the other day, I refused. Now he won’t kiss me. He says that since I won’t do that for him, kissing is off the table until I do it. How is that fair? How can we navigate through this without calling it quits? I want to make him happy, but I also don’t want to do what he’s asking me to do. Your advice would be greatly appreciated!

— Underperforming in Rhode Island

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Underperforming: I wouldn’t describe your boyfriend’s behavior as “childish,” so much as “deeply troubling,” “manipulative,” and “abusive.” Those are only some words that come to mind. (There are other words, of course, but — they aren’t publishable.)

Couples definitely bargain and negotiate with one another over all sorts of things, including “acts in the bedroom.” This is not a negotiation. This is … game over. He is coercing, manipulating, and — I assume — cornering you into doing something you have stated many times that you don’t want to do. Then, when he is not able to force you to do his “favorite thing,” he punishes you. This is pretty much the definition of domestic abuse.

Now he is withholding affection. Later, he might punish you in other ways and for other reasons, if you don’t “make him happy.” This is not love. This is control. Regular readers know that I rarely say this, but — get out. I’ll come and get you, myself.

The National Sexual Assault Hotline is available 24/7. Their impressive website (RAINN.org) offers a wonderful “chat” function, available all-hours. You could “gut check” my reaction by calling or chatting online with a counselor: 800-656-HOPE (4673).

Dear Amy: I’m happy to provide this update. I was really surprised to read your response and I was even more taken aback when I realized that everything you said was true. I stayed with my now ex-boyfriend until we were a little over three years into our relationship. Sadly, nothing changed. Our relationship actually got worse. The last straw for me was when he flat-out started verbally abusing me, calling me names and yelling at me — in front of my daughter. I broke it off right then and there.

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It took five months for him to move out, begging me to give him another chance. He never changed his behavior during that time and was still withholding affection whenever he felt like I needed to be punished. He tried to “propose” (with no ring), and even cried about our breakup, but when I said no to getting back together, he laughed in my face because he said he’d been lying when he said he was sorry. Thankfully, after he moved out (which was well over a year ago), I have not heard from him since!

I just want to thank you immensely for helping me to see things clearly! I am finally FREEEEE!!

— No Longer Underperforming

No Longer: Your “update” is a gift! I’m so glad I didn’t have to come get you — that drive to Rhode Island is a long one.

Dear Amy: I was quite disgusted by your sarcastic tone in your response to “Frustrated in Texas,” when you wrote: “ It’s a shame that caring for your dogs and horses is preventing you from caring for an elderly human.” Humans have choices. Animals don’t. They are helpless. You owe this person an apology.

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Upset: Many readers called me out for that line. I maintained that “Frustrated” was using her responsibilities to her animals as a reason not to assist her elderly mother-in-law, who was also helpless. Regardless, I do apologize for the sarcastic tone.

© 2024 by Amy Dickinson. Distributed by Tribune Content Agency.



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Sioux Falls art teachers show ‘incredible’ work at Washington Pavilion

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Sioux Falls art teachers show ‘incredible’ work at Washington Pavilion


Twenty Sioux Falls School District art teachers have their own original pieces on display at the Washington Pavilion’s University Gallery now through May 31.

The “Teachers as Artists” exhibit showcases their work not just as educators, but as artists inside and outside of the classroom, and highlights how art education builds critical thinking, creative problem-solving and self-expression skills.

Edison Middle School art teacher Meagan Turbak-Fogarty said she dreamt of such a showcase since her first year teaching.

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She and Kathy Dang, an art teacher at Marcella LeBeau Elementary School who also serves on the city’s Visual Arts Committee, partnered with the city and Washington Pavilion to bring the showcase to life.

Turbak-Fogarty has taught at Edison for five years and said her passion for art is “instantly felt” on her classroom walls, but that students have asked where they could see her art in the classroom, or what kind of art she creates in her own time.

“I always felt the feeling that I stand in front of all these kids every single day and preach about how much I love art, and how art has changed my life,” Turbak-Fogarty said. “That got me thinking, ‘I want to show them.’”

Some of her works on display at the Pavilion include art she created in her first year teaching, including a large Cheetos bag she created as an example for her eighth grade classroom when they were working on a large chip bag project. Turbak-Fogarty said she loves painting, working with acrylics and unconventional materials.

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“I wanted to show my students that art can be anything,” she said. “It doesn’t have to be hanging up in a museum to be considered art.”

Continuing to do her own art while teaching the subject helps keep her inspired, Turbak-Fogarty explained, adding that it helps her push her own creativity when it comes to projects she works on with students.

Samantha Levisay, an art teacher at John Harris Elementary School, showed three pieces in the show — “Moments in Time,” “Midnight Butterfly Garden” and “Whimsy” — with the same mixed media, watercolor and printmaking skills that she teaches in different units at every elementary grade.

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Levisay educates her students that “art is everywhere.” She said her favorite memories as an art teacher are “moments when I show students a lesson, and they take it even further.”

“Kids are so creative; I marvel at them all the time,” she said. “They inspire me every day with their endless creativity and imagination.”

Roosevelt High School art teacher Ruth Hillman showed two pieces in the show: “The Potato on the Wall,” a mixed media work, and a collection of her handmade clay charms in a shadow box.

She also wore some of her art — miniature potato earrings made of clay.

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Hillman is in her third year at RHS. When she’s not teaching art, she’s also making art, and sells her charms at shows like the Art Collective.

Washington High School art teacher Mollie Potter displayed a three-part painting series at the show that she said were inspired by her English language learner students’ stories, and how teachers help students “take flight,” as represented by balloons, parachutes and kites in her work.

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Porter said she is often inspired by her students’ art in the classroom; for example, one former student was obsessed with swans, and Porter said she later created a painting inspired by one of the student’s stories about swans.

At an April 17 reception, Mayor Paul TenHaken emphasized the arts as an “important economic driver in the community,” and said the show honored educators “who are artists in and of themselves,” but who might not have had a chance to display their art outside the classroom before.

“This is a way for us to honor them and show their incredible work,” TenHaken said.

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Washington

How will Trump get out of his fight with Pope Leo?

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How will Trump get out of his fight with Pope Leo?


Full Episode:
Washington Week with The Atlantic full episode, 4/17/26

Donald Trump has achieved what he’s achieved to date by being more rhetorically reckless, blunter and more insulting than any president in memory. But are there any limits? Join moderator Jeffrey Goldberg, Leigh Ann Caldwell of Puck, Stephen Hayes of The Dispatch, and Jonathan Lemire and Michael Scherer of The Atlantic to discuss this and more.



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Washington

Boy, 5, dies after being pulled from Anacostia River

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Boy, 5, dies after being pulled from Anacostia River


A 5-year-old boy died after being pulled from the Anacostia River in Southeast D.C. Thursday evening.

About 6:20 p.m., first responders found the boy unconscious at Anacostia Park after family members and another person retrieved him from the river, a Metropolitan Police Department spokesperson said.

D.C. Fire and EMS took life-saving measures, and the boy was flown to a hospital by a U.S. Park Police helicopter, but he was pronounced dead, police said.

Witnesses told News4 a man they believe was the child’s father then rushed to the hospital.

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It appears to be an accidental drowning, police said.

The scene was within sight of picnic pavilions filled with people grilling food and enjoying the warm spring evening.

Police interviewed witnesses and people who tried to help.

Swimming in the Anacostia is prohibited.



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