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The Borderlands Movie: The Kotaku Review

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The Borderlands Movie: The Kotaku Review

An hour after leaving a screening of the new Borderlands movie, directed by Eli Roth (Hostel) and starring Cate Blanchett, Kevin Hart, Jamie Lee Curtis, and Ariana Greenblatt, I’m staring at a blinking cursor in a blank Google Doc, urging inspiration to strike.

Surely a live-action movie based on the wildly successful edgelord video game franchise from 2K and Gearbox would inspire a couple hundred words, right? Surely the star-studded cast, which includes several Oscar winners (and Jack Black), would prompt a spark of creativity. Surely the vibrant visuals, cacophonous explosions, and poop and pee jokes would destroy the writer’s block dam, sending forth a surge of witty words and succinct sentences. But I’m at a loss.

Borderlands is not just bad, it’s depressing.

On the border of a breakdown

I saw Borderlands at an early screening at Alamo Drafthouse, during which cosplay was encouraged. No one wore costumes, and the theater was solemnly silent, as if we were about to watch archival video of the deadliest WWII battle or found footage from 9/11. R-rated trailers aired before it, prompting me to question if this movie, directed by Roth (known for his gory, gross violence), was rated R (it’s not).

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Before I have a chance to double-check the rating, Cate Blanchett’s voice echoes through the theater. “Long ago, our galaxy was ruled by an alien race,” she intones, sounding bizarrely flat for an incredibly talented actor who endeavored to deliver a fun, frenetic performance in another superficial flick: 2017’s Thor: Ragnarok. I’m immediately assaulted by aggressive, slap-dash cuts and shimmery CGI images of guns, neon signs, and Psychos, as Blanchett (who plays Lilith, a character who inspired early-twenties me so much I got one of her quotes tattooed) gives us the plot overview with as much energy as a ‘50s housewife who regularly mixes mood stabilizers and martinis.

Lilith, Tiny Tina, Claptrap, Krieg, and Roland sit in a car.

Image: Lionsgate / 2K

Lilith tells us that the Eridians laid the foundation of this galaxy, then disappeared, leaving behind a secret vault hidden on the planet Pandora, inside of which are powerful relics of the long-lost civilization. “That sounds like some wacko B.S., huh?” Blanchett asks. I stifle a groan with a huge bite of my burger. Rather than giving moviegoers the free-wheeling wanderlust that the Borderlands games offer, the film is incredibly linear and straightforward: Lilith, a bounty hunter, is hired by the head of arms manufacturer Atlas Industries to track down his daughter Tiny Tina on the planet Pandora.

We’re introduced to almost all of the main cast rather quickly: Hart as Roland, Greenblatt as Tiny Tina, Florian Munteanu as a Psycho named Kreig. Roland breaks Tiny Tina out of some kind of facility by way of a fairly bland action sequence, during which he punches a guard and calls him a “fake Stormtrooper-ass bitch.” I guess that means Star Wars exists in the Borderlands universe? It doesn’t improve after this.

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If you told me Borderlands used AI for its dialogue, I’d believe you without question. Nearly every line that’s uttered with the kind of fake peppiness I’d reserve for my elementary school cheer competitions is either a limp-dicked “edgy” joke that wouldn’t warrant a single Reddit upvote or a cliche phrase like “I’m too old for this shit” and “This has been a really long day.” I could count on one hand the lines that were thoroughly genuine—or at least not dripping with so much snark they were almost sticky. There is no humanity here, just humorless humans.

When a needle-drop of Muse’s “Supermassive Black Hole” bleeds into a scene in which it’s playing over the speakers in a Pandoran bar, I nearly slam my head onto the table. What are we doing here?

Roland, Tannis, Krieg, Tina, and Lilith look off-camera.

Image: Lionsgate / 2K

We need to talk about Tina

Blissfully, Borderlands isn’t that long of a movie, and the breakneck speed at which the film is paced means we meet Jamie Lee Curtis’ Tannis just before I need a pee break (I chugged a beer). Curtis plays her with a socially awkward twitchiness that I didn’t expect from the actor, and while it’s at least an attempt at imbuing the character with a personality, it is incredibly grating. But again, she tried—Blanchett is phoning it in, Hart has no business playing the straight man, and Greenblatt is doing the best she can with material that’s based on a white character doing a blaccent (which the film, thankfully, avoids). But even she can’t save a line read that requires her to say “badonkadonk” in the year of our lord 2024.

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And also, not to be ageist, but why the fuck is everyone so old? Lilith is 22 years old in the original Borderlands game and Tannis is in her thirties—aside from the star power afforded by casting Blanchett and Curtis, the only reason for aging up these characters is so they can play matronly figures to Greenblatt’s Tina.

And therein lies the main problem: centering Tina. The plot revolves around her believing she is the child of Eridia and the key to opening the vault, and the film hinges all of the emotional weight on a character who wears a bunny-ear headband and throws explosive teddy bears at people while spewing one-liners like a sugar-crazed 11-year-old in a Fortnite lobby. She does not inspire any sort of empathy, even with Greenblatt’s valiant efforts and Blanchett’s only real acting taking place in their scenes together. It’s like making a Gears of War movie with a Carmine brother at the center—it’s going to be annoying from the jump.

All of this takes place in a weird CGI world that occasionally looks decent but is more often an illegible green-screen mess of explosions or muddy, dark, murky nonsense. Lilith’s flame-orange hair and comic book costume set against a dusty, bland landscape and broken-down industrial buildings is visually and tonally jarring—it’s like the filmmakers got halfway to making a movie inspired by the cel-shaded world of Borderlands and then dumped it all onto the sets used for the Halo series. Speaking of costumes, I’d love to know what the budget was for push-up bras. Tannis, Mad Moxxi, and Lilith all have their breasts pushed up so high they’re nearly in their throats—it is so desperately 2006, so reminiscent of the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show, that I couldn’t help but giggle. Boobs, am I right?

By the time the film ends and Jack Black’s Claptrap pops up on screen during the credits to lament the loss of his Easter egg, I am ready to go home and cleanse my palate. I need some proper aughts trashiness, some expensive needle drops, and some questionable costumes. I get home, plop down on the couch, and turn on Gossip Girl. At least this has personality.


The Borderlands movie isn’t so good it’s surprising, and it’s not so bad it’s worth a hate-watch. It is simply sad. It feels like the result of a bunch of suits who sat around a glossy mahogany table (like in that one Key and Peele sketch) and reminisced about the early aughts, a time before the financial crisis, a time when the term “cancel” was reserved only for television shows, a time when Muse was one of the biggest rock bands on the planet.

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It is devoid of humanity and personality, despite trying very, very hard to establish that it is quirky. It is the woman with frozen peas on her head in the grocery store aisle—she’s so crazzzzzyy, love her! It should not exist.

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Movie Reviews

Borderlands movie reviews are in, and the people have not been kind

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Borderlands movie reviews are in, and the people have not been kind

Borderlands film adaptation reviews drop, and they’re terrible

The reviews for Eli Roth’s Borderlands adaptation are in, and surprise! It’s no good.

Initially announced back in 2015, the Borderlands film has been through a few different revisions and a couple of delays during its nine years in production.

Leigh Whannell, the writer of the original Saw and all three Insidious films (as well as director on two criminally overlooked films, Upgrade and 2020’s The Invisible Man), was originally attached to both write and direct the film until he was unceremoniously dropped somewhere along the way.

It also seems that Craig Mazin, now best known for his work on the award-winning TV show Chernobyl and the extremely well-received adaptation of The Last of Us, was also set to write Borderlands’ screenplay at some point during pre-production, but is uncredited in its final release (seemingly because he requested that his name be removed).

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Finally, back in January last year, the film went through some pretty extensive reshoots. The reshoots were helmed by Deadpool director Tim Miller, as Eli Roth was halfway through shooting the film Thanksgiving.

As a result of all these production issues, paired with the negative response to the pre-release images and the casting announcements, the internet assumed that the movie was going to be a stinker… and according to basically every review so far, the internet was correct in said assumption.

Independent’s Clarisse Loughrey started off strong in her one-out-of-five star review, stating that “Borderlands is a disaster” and blamed “wildly miscast actors and an impenetrable script” for its terrible score.

Empire’s Dan Jolin was ever so slightly nicer in his two-outta-five review, calling it a “sloppy assembled” movie and referring to it as “a botched Guardians wannabe that isn’t half as fun as you’d hope from the punky sci-fi promise”.

I’ll be honest, I spent a long time hunting down a review that wasn’t completely negative and the best I could find is this one from Jakarta Globe’s Jayanty Nada Shofa that described it as “Just alright”.

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Glowing praise. I wonder if they’ll put that quote on the poster?

Featured Image Credit: 2K Games

Topics: TV And Film, Borderlands

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‘It Ends With Us’: What the Critics Are Saying

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‘It Ends With Us’: What the Critics Are Saying

Following the New York premiere of It Ends With Us on Tuesday evening, the first reviews of the film from critics have been coming in, and they’ve been decidedly mixed.

The romantic drama, based on Colleen Hoover‘s 2016 best-selling novel of the same name, was directed by Justin Baldoni (who also plays Ryle). The film follows Lily (Blake Lively) as she overcomes a traumatic childhood to embark on a new life. But after getting romantically involved with neurosurgeon Ryle, she sees sides of him that remind her of her parents’ abusive relationship. And when someone from her past, Atlas (Brandon Sklenar), reenters her life, it complicates things even more and Lily must learn to rely on her own strength to move forward.

The film has previously faced criticism for its depiction of domestic violence, with some fans claiming it romanticizes the subject. However, a common theme among the early reviews is that while the movie adaptation manages to treat the topic of domestic violence with care, the narrative appears to suffer.

As of Wednesday evening, It Ends With Us had a score of 60 percent from 44 reviews on Rotten Tomatoes, and clocked in at 52 percent on Metacritic from 21 reviews.

The film, from Sony Pictures, hits theaters on Friday. It also stars Jenny Slate, Hasan Minhaj, Isabela Ferrer and Alex Neustaedter.

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Read on for key excerpts from some of the most prominent early reviews following the premiere of It Ends With Us.

The Hollywood Reporter‘s arts and culture critic Lovia Gyarkye wrote in her review, “The pat treatment of these characters ultimately does a disservice to the broader themes embedded in It Ends With Us. Without understanding more of Lily’s broader community or getting a stronger sense of how she navigates the relationship with Ryle, the film can feel too light and wispy to support the weight of its themes.”

The Guardian‘s Benjamin Lee wrote, “It’s a plot of hackneyed soap tropes but there’s a real maturity to how it unfolds, a story of abuse that’s far less obvious than we’ve grown accustomed to, the details far knottier than some might be comfortable with. There are expected cliches but there are also many that are mercifully avoided too, the story not always conforming to type.”

“The life lessons being taught here about self-acceptance, self-love and self-worth might be a little pat and some of the darker elements could have afforded a tad more darkness, but It Ends with Us leads with heart first, everything else later,” Lee added in his review. “It’s a film of huge, sometimes hugely unsubtle, emotion but it has an effectively forceful sweep to it.”

It Ends With Us savors the trappings of a glossy love triangle: the banter, the flirting, the turbulence, the extravagant costumes,” Amy Nicholson of The Washington Post wrote. “The movie has to cheat a bit to get at the complexity of Hoover’s book. A child of domestic abuse, Hoover writes with painful intimacy about Lily’s struggle to claw free from her past. Baldoni shifts some of that turmoil to the audience, with editors Oona Flaherty and Robb Sullivan cutting key scenes so that, like Lily, we don’t know what to believe.”

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Nicholson added that “even bouncing off male leads who are more pinball bumpers than dimensional characters,” Lively gave a “great performance as a headstrong, sensible woman who struggles to consider herself a victim.”

Critic Mark Kennedy wrote in his review for the Associated Press that “the uneven movie adaptation of Colleen Hoover’s best-selling 2016 novel” tries to “balance the realities of domestic violence inside a rom-com and a female-empowerment movie. All suffer in the process.”

“It veers too close to melodrama, with suicide, homelessness, generational trauma, child murder, unintended pregnancy and never-forgotten love all touched on and only half digested,” Kennedy continued. “Set in Boston, it never even pulls from that city’s flavor.”

Time film critic Stephanie Zacharek wrote, “The movie is accurate and effective in this sense: for so many abused women, you never know how bad it can get, until it gets really bad. Yet none of that is enough to make you fully buy what the movie’s selling.”

“The problem, maybe, is that It Ends With Us is all about what it’s about, and nothing more,” she added. “These characters exist to make points about the insidiousness of domestic violence, the way its effects can creep up invisibly even as those who are suffering cloak themselves in protective denial. Admittedly, that’s a lot for a movie to carry. But movies can’t just be efficient feeling-delivery systems; they have to work on us in subtler ways. It Ends With Us makes all its points, all right, but in a way that’s more edifying than moving.”

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Proma Khosla wrote for IndieWire that the film “manages to sensitively handle its delicate subject matter, though largely at the cost of a more intricate narrative.”

It Ends with Us does what it wants to (and what made Hoover’s book such a smash hit), highlighting the patterns of abuse, trauma, and silence at play in this specific story,” Khosla added in her review. “Baldoni and Hall handle Lily and everyone around her with empathy, downplaying unpleasantness or oversimplifying story elements ultimately to mitigate risk and protect viewers — with the opportunity to dig deeper in a potential sequel.”

Esther Zuckerman wrote in her review for Rolling Stone, “The movie is as frothy as it is melodramatic; as much concerned with romance as it is with trauma. Throughout its over-two-hour run time, It Ends With Us stays incredibly loyal to its beach-read, airport-paperback origins. The result is a mix of tones that doesn’t always work, but often feels like a throwback to a different era of movie-making, one where the mid-budget movie willing to delve into issues was a viable business model. (Think: White OleanderWhere the Heart Is.) In that way, it’s a successful endeavor, even if it at times may have some schmaltz-allergic audience members rolling their eyes at the emotional roller coaster of the plot.”

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It Ends with Us (2024) – Movie Review

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It Ends with Us (2024) – Movie Review

It Ends with Us, 2024.

Directed by Justin Baldoni.
Starring Blake Lively, Justin Baldoni, Brandon Sklenar, Jenny Slate, Hasan Minhaj, Amy Morton, Isabela Ferrer, Alex Neustaedter, Kevin McKidd, Robin S. Walker, Emily Baldoni, Robyn Lively, Megan Elyse Robinson, Caroline Siegrist, Adam Mondschein, and Robert Clohessy.

SYNOPSIS:

Adapted from the Colleen Hoover novel, Lily overcomes a traumatic childhood to embark on a new life. A chance meeting with a neurosurgeon sparks a connection but Lily begins to see sides of him that remind her of her parents’ relationship.

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Writer/director/co-lead Justin Baldoni’s directorial debut, It Ends with Us (based on the book by Colleen Hoover and adapted for the screen by Daddio writer/director Christy Hall), is a story about domestic abuse with an important message at the core, that becomes far too preoccupied with ridiculous soap opera love triangle nonsense. Also coming into question is how much of this relies on conveying that message through misleading visuals. Early on, our protagonist jokes that she is an unreliable narrator, which later on feels more like the film itself admitting it’s toying with perception disingenuously, albeit in a predictable way since there isn’t much doubt in where the story is headed.

Lily Blossom Bloom (Blake Lively with a wild hairstyle suggesting the film takes place in the 1980s rather than the present day) lives in Boston and has just opened up a, wait for it… flower shop. This comes following the sudden death of her father (played by Kevin McKidd in flashbacks), who routinely physically abused her mother (Amy Morton), making for an awkward funeral, to say the least. Lily walked out at the podium, unable to come up with anything positive to say about the man, still unsure of how her mom ever could have stayed with him. In that frustration, she also enters a nearby apartment to unwind, hanging out on the roof, where she has a meet-cute with the most handsome, buff neurosurgeon you have ever seen. His name is Ryle Kincaid (Justin Baldoni), and he is kicking a chair, upset that he was unable to save a life.

Perhaps he seems like a sweet guy. Well, within a few minutes, he is opening up “naked truths,” talking about being unfit for serious relationships and how he would casually like to have sex with Lily right there on this roof. To me (and maybe you), that’s pretty weird; it’s also far from the only case of Ryle getting a bit sexually sleazy, something that the film kind of lets him off the hook for. Lily also opens up about her first love and the first person she ever had sex with, a sensitive and kind homeless boy she gravitated to, with that relationship serving as the focal point of the flashbacks (a relationship we get a glimpse of in flashbacks, with the two played by Isabela Ferrer and Alex Neustaedter.) Since this is a movie, he immediately determines something is different about Lily and that he would like to give real love a shot.

Nevertheless, everything about this blossoming love between Lily and Ryle appears to be going well on the surface, even if it’s apparent to viewers his mask will come off (there wouldn’t be a movie, otherwise.) Again, that conflict (which takes roughly an hour to arrive finally) comes in the form of domestic abuse and, more specifically, how people perceive, rationalize, and chalk an incident up as an accident. That’s also something vital that should be explored, but the filmmakers seem more concerned with manifesting that drama in the most melodramatic, over-the-top manner possible while also inserting another guy into the equation (Brandon Sklenar), one who is fiercely protective over Lily.

Of course, there is also a lot of fortuity here, such as Ryle reconnecting with Lily after the initial meet-cute, all because his sister Allyssa (Jenny Slate) randomly stumbled into the flower shop looking for a job. She also has no idea that her brother is capable of some deplorable behavior, making for the scarily intriguing concept that not even some siblings know each other entirely. The problem is that the execution treats this entire story like a Lifetime film, charging headfirst into drama that never quite feels real. If anything, it’s often unintentionally hilarious, such as a restaurant fight between the two grown men battling over Lily. The specific reason that the fight occurs comes across as laughably dumb, something that could have been solved by two people talking to each other like adults. The thing is, people rarely feel real here.

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There is also the feeling that anytime the film dares to become serious and dive into uncomfortable thematic material, it also pulls back as if it wants to be a sappy romantic love triangle above all else. And while I’m aware domestic abusers are capable of hiding that aspect of themselves well, here, there are constant jumps in times that leave one questioning the credulity of how long this man inexperienced with dating (presumably for good reason) would last without slipping up on his toxic side. The endless barrage of pop songs only serves to sanitize the material here. Even accounting for the flashbacks, there isn’t a single moment of actual conflict here until the one-hour mark, presumably because the romance is what sells to this demographic.

One possible read is that the filmmakers are aware of this, creating the usual cringe Hollywood love story playing into Lily’s oblivious nature that all is well in this relationship and that this is love. I would love to sit here and say that everything here is a stroke of subversive brilliance. However, even if that were the case, the execution isn’t there, often eliciting groans and laughs since the situations feel far-fetched. Coincidently, It Ends with Us does conclude with an emotional, believable exchange that needs to be heard by domestic abusers around the world. It’s a shame the rest of the film is outlandish and doesn’t cut nearly as deep.

Flickering Myth Rating – Film: ★ ★ / Movie: ★ ★

Robert Kojder is a member of the Chicago Film Critics Association and the Critics Choice Association. He is also the Flickering Myth Reviews Editor. Check here for new reviews, follow my Twitter or Letterboxd, or email me at MetalGearSolid719@gmail.com

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=embed/playlist

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