Lifestyle
L.A. Affairs: I’m a disabled woman. Is that a dating deal breaker?
I used to be 8 years outdated when a rupture in my mind stem left me in a wheelchair, unable to talk, partially paralyzed.
I wanted emergency mind surgical procedure after which years of remedy to study to speak once more and stroll once more.
At present, I’m very fortunate. I’ve my very own consulting enterprise, however I stroll with a limp and I’ve no mobility in my left hand. I’ve additionally by no means discovered love. I’m in my mid-30s and I’ve by no means had a boyfriend.
I didn’t get to have my first kiss as a youngster. My first kiss was in my late 20s with a man I met after a university basketball recreation. He by no means requested me for a dinner date, however he did invite me to his home for just a few make-out classes earlier than it fizzled and I by no means heard from him once more. I’ve been on each relationship app potential. I’ve had workplace crushes. As soon as, I went out for glad hour drinks with a man I’d labored with, and preferred. And he proceeded to inform me all in regards to the girl he’d began relationship.
Guys at all times appear to wish to hang around with me and speak to me. But none of those males ever attempt to transfer me out of the “good friend zone.”
It’s onerous to not take it personally. How usually can we see totally able-bodied folks relationship people with disabilities on TV or movie? Within the media? Or in actual life? Does having a limp actually make that a lot of a distinction when discovering somebody enticing?
It wasn’t till I moved to Los Angeles from Washington, D.C. — from a spot the place politics dominate to a spot the place creatives write to higher know themselves — that I discovered a solution.
It began after I employed an intimacy coach, as a result of that’s apparently what one does in L.A.
I met her by way of a yoga studio in Santa Monica. My first to her electronic mail learn — “I’ve by no means dated anybody; are you able to assist? I feel it must be due to my bodily incapacity.”
I instructed her my final result.
I needed to be somebody’s girlfriend.
And whereas that also hasn’t occurred, in some methods I’ve achieved a much more vital final result — the belief that my incapacity itself wasn’t inhibiting my intimacy with males.
It was how I emotionally responded to having a incapacity that was getting in the best way.
Over the course of my life, I’ve instructed lots of of individuals about my mind damage. Sometimes, folks reply to me with the standard sympathies — “Oh, I’m so sorry” — or embarrassed silence.
Just lately, nonetheless, one thing modified. One thing modified inside me.
A good friend and I had completed dinner at Cecconi’s on Melrose when my good friend struck up a dialog with a cute man as they have been standing close to the valet. One factor led to a different, and shortly we have been accompanying the lovable man — and his cute good friend — up the road for drinks at Catch LA. Ultimately, the subject of my incapacity got here up (I don’t thoughts sharing it) and all of the work it has taken me to beat it. As I completed, I anticipated the standard reactions.
To my shock, nonetheless, the person subsequent to me loudly exclaimed, “Wow!” and requested with real admiration in his voice: “How did you do this!?”
After I absorbed my shock at his query, I needed to shortly give you a solution. Nobody had ever requested me this earlier than. I took a breath and and responded, “Nicely, I simply ‘alpha’d’ up and retaught myself to reside.”
The phrases have been no sooner out of my mouth than I noticed what I’d mentioned. These phrases had a lot extra energy to me than to him. (Actually, the dialog had moved on.)
Nevertheless it was the primary time I verbalized the crux of why I struggled with intimate relationships — I had been caught in a single power sample in my physique.
By my work with the intimacy coach, I had studied my capability to navigate between what most name (and I might argue we have to transcend calling) stereotypically masculine and female energies. Some name it our alpha and omega energies.
From this vantage level, I may see that my childhood was a lesson in easy methods to “alpha up” to guard myself from the hurts of the world. From the sting of a high-school good friend predicting that I might by no means get married as a result of “no person marries somebody with a incapacity” to the heartbreak of watching all of my pals get married after I was simply longing to be kissed, I hardened up, I’d alpha’d up, as a result of in any other case the ache of being perpetually single plus having a bodily incapacity would have overcome me.
However Los Angeles has turn into a spot the place I’ve discovered to maintain that ache from overtaking me.
By my interior therapeutic, I’m discovering methods to melt up, to open up, to make room for the opportunity of letting somebody in. The other of “alpha-ing” up.
This course of hasn’t been fairly, or simple. I cried so many tears over a man from San Diego. I’d met him just a few years in the past, when he was on a keep in D.C., after I was nonetheless dwelling there. Once I lastly labored up the braveness to inform him that I preferred him, I obtained the “I feel you’re nice, however I simply wish to be pals” line. So we stayed pals, and after I moved to the West Coast, we started going out to dinner. Each week. That is it, I instructed myself. It’s lastly taking place. So I geared as much as inform him: I needed extra. I needed an intimate relationship with him. After which he instructed me he’d began seeing another person.
As terrible as that have was, although, I took it as a constructive signal. It confirmed my progress. I had been susceptible sufficient to speak a want I had by no means communicated earlier than — that I needed to offer another person entry to my physique.
Transferring ahead, are there nonetheless going to be instances the place I’ll must “alpha up” to get by way of a problem? Completely. However I consider there was a historic value to all of that “bracing for the worst.” It prevented me from permitting somebody to have an effect on me to the core.
And I’m not going again to that.
Examples of able-bodied folks relationship disabled folks like me could also be few and much between in our tradition at massive. (When’s the final time you noticed a TV present or movie a few disabled girls who had an precise intercourse life?) However now that I’ve discovered the voice that I’ve hidden for therefore many a long time, I’m going to make use of it to alter this narrative.
The creator is the L.A.-based founding father of CultureSmart, a consulting agency that helps start-ups create a office tradition that embraces inclusion. You’ll find her on Instagram at @ecgoodson and on Medium.com.
L.A. Affairs chronicles the seek for romantic love in all its superb expressions within the L.A. space, and we wish to hear your true story. We pay $300 for a printed essay. Electronic mail LAAffairs@latimes.com. You’ll find submission pointers right here. You’ll find previous columns right here.
Lifestyle
From the Seattle food scene to Barney the purple dinosaur, check out these new podcasts
Looking for conversation starters for the Thanksgiving dinner table? The NPR One team has it covered with podcast recommendations from across public media.
The podcast episode descriptions below are from podcast webpages and have been edited for brevity and clarity.
NPR’s Embedded: A Good Guy – NPR
Sergeant Joshua Abate says that he’s not a rioter or an insurrectionist. Those closest to the active-duty Marine call him “a good guy.” But he was part of the mob that attacked the Capitol on January 6th, 2021. On the eve of a new presidential election, what does his case tell us, as the nation still grapples with the legacy of that day? As they look into the military’s reckoning with extremism in the ranks, NPR’s Tom Bowman and Lauren Hodges examine Abate’s main line of defense: Don’t focus on what he did; focus on his promising career as a Marine, instead.
Start listening to part one, “279 Hours.”
Seattle Eats with Tan Vinh – KUOW
Seattle is a buffet of great food… if you know where to look. Seattle Times journalist Tan Vinh invites listeners to the area’s hottest restaurants, road-side food stalls and everywhere in between to find the best meals in the city and to meet the people who make them sing.
Listen to, “Seattle’s best pizza.”
Embodied – WUNC
Our understanding of the term bisexuality has been in a state of constant evolution. In a moment when bisexual adults make up the largest share of the LGBTQ+ population, how is bisexuality being re-imagined, reclaimed — and sometimes relinquished? Anita meets two people who have grappled with the term’s history, meaning and power for building community.
Listen to, “Bisexuality Beyond The Binary.”
Lost Notes – KCRW
In the early 1970s, LA’s Sunset Strip was the epicenter of the rock ‘n’ roll universe. Drugs, sex, private planes, limos, destroying hotel rooms – it wasn’t a myth. And at the center of it all, were groupies. It’s a story we all know – but it’s never been told from this perspective. This season, on “Lost Notes,” we bring you GROUPIES: The Women of Sunset Strip, from the Pill to Punk. The real, riotous, rock ‘n’ roll stories of the girls who lived it all, hosted by Dylan Tupper Rupert, from KCRW and Golden Teapot.
Start listening to episode one, “Lori Lightning and the Baby Groupies.”
Breakdown: Turning Anguish Into Action – Maine Public
What does it mean to be a victim? Or a survivor? In a few brief moments in October 2023, 18 lives were lost in Lewiston — and Maine was changed. “Breakdown” explores the missed opportunities to prevent the Lewiston shootings, the role of guns and hunting in Maine’s politics, and the aftermath for shooting victims, some of whom were deaf and hard of hearing.
Start listening to episode one, “Did we really survive this?”
American Experience Presents – GBH
American newspaper mogul William Randolph Hearst’s immense wealth and power transformed the media’s role in politics and society. In this 4-part series, we delve into Hearst’s early life and his rise as a media titan, revealing how his prodigious appetites and control over vast media holdings allowed him to shape public opinion and influence major events. Hearst’s innovative and often controversial approach to journalism, known as “yellow journalism,” redefined the boundaries of news reporting and had a profound impact on American culture. Discover how his publishing empire not only sensationalized stories but also played a critical role in political campaigns and public perception during pivotal moments in history. Join host James Edwards for a richly detailed account of William Randolph Hearst, where expert interviews, rare archival audio, and compelling storytelling illuminate the legacy of this pioneering media titan whose impact continues to resonate today.
Start listening to part one, “Hearst’s San Francisco Sensation.”
Document – NHPR
A young police officer unexpectedly finds herself back in New Hampshire, and she’s not the same person she was when she left. Something happened to her – to all of us. But for Officer Emelia Campbell, this thing still lives in her brain and her body. This is her story of survival.
Start listening to, “Emelia’s Thing.”
Art Outside – WHYY
We’re back with Season 2 of “Art Outside,” a podcast from WHYY about the art of our public spaces and the people who create it. We’re taking you around Philly to learn about all kinds of art outside. From commissioned works in Love Park and the 9th Street Market. To more ephemeral works like wheatpasting on a shuttered UArts building. As multiple art institutions around the city close, the state of Philly’s famed arts world feels particularly fragile. On this season of “Art Outside” we’re thinking about where Philly goes from here as we explore this dynamic world.
Listen to, “Our Not-so-Italian Market.”
Generation Barney – Connecticut Public
Meet “Generation Barney,” a podcast about the media we loved as kids and how it shapes us. It’s about the purple dinosaur. But it’s also about music and love and backlash and toys and nostalgia. Most of all, it’s about the television that helps us become who we are, from the station that helped launch Barney into the world.
In the 90s, preschoolers went nuts for “Barney & Friends” — and that’s kind of by design. The people behind the show put a lot of thought into every detail, from the word choices in scripts to the behaviors Barney modeled. Barney spoke to kids in a language they could understand. And those little ones? They were also central to the creation, and evolution, of the show.
Listen to, “Toddler TV.”
24 Hours in Austin – KUT & KUTX Studios
What does a day in the life of Austin, Texas sound like? A team of audio producers from KUT spent the last several months documenting a handful of days in the life of Austin. We spent 24 hours straight in one location, talking to anyone who’d talk to us. Their stories. Their struggles. Or whatever happened to be on their mind. We found that as big as Austin has gotten, standing still, it gets a little smaller.
Listen to, “24 hours on 6th Street during SXSW: Part 1.”
Us & Them – West Virginia Public Broadcasting
West Virginia’s vaccination requirements for school children are what a lot of health experts call the gold standard. Only a medical exemption will get you out of school vaccine requirements. On this episode of “Us & Them” we look at a recent legislative proposal that would have changed that. It would have exempted homeschooled kids from vaccinations and let private and parochial schools set their own standards. The bill came from some parents who want relief from what they call the state’s oppressive compulsory vaccination laws. While the bill passed through the legislature, it did not become law after Gov. Jim Justice vetoed the measure. We’ll find out about this latest chapter in a state with one of the nation’s most robust vaccine histories.
Listen to, “Childhood Vaccines — Parental Rights vs. Public Health in West Virginia.”
NPR’s Jessica Green and Jack Mitchell curated and produced this piece.
Lifestyle
Khalid Comes Out As Gay, Says He Was Outed
Khalid just confirmed he is gay … coming out after claiming he was outed.
The R&B hitmaker posted a rainbow flag emoji on his X account Friday night and added, “there yall go. next topic please lol.”
Khalid’s tweet came after another singer seemingly outed him on social media … and fans were quick to reply to Khalid’s post.
One response led Khalid to clarify … someone replied, “Wait hope Mr Khalid isn’t GEHHH!” and then Khalid quote tweeted and declared, “I am! And, that’s okay.”
Khalid kept posting through it, explaining … “I got outted and the world still continues to turn. Let’s get this straight (lmao) I am not ashamed of my sexuality! In reality it ain’t nobodies business! But I am okay with me. love yall”
It appears Khalid is referencing a series of since-deleted posts from singer Hugo D Almonte … with Almonte reportedly outing Khalid.
Most folks in the comments are being supportive, with some saying it’s not a huge shock … pointing to his 2022 song, “Satellite,” which some say is an LGBTQ anthem.”
Khalid confirmed as such, adding … “I wasn’t hiding anything! It’s just not any of your business.”
Lifestyle
Jonathan Majors and ex-girlfriend Grace Jabbari settle assault and defamation case
Jonathan Majors’ former girlfriend, Grace Jabbari, has agreed to dismiss a lawsuit alleging that the actor assaulted and defamed her.
In a civil lawsuit filed in New York in March, Jabbari accused her former partner of a “pattern of pervasive domestic abuse that began in 2021 and extended through 2023.” In court documents filed in New York on Thursday, their attorneys jointly agreed to dismiss the claims against Majors with prejudice – meaning that the claims can’t be filed again.
In a statement to NPR, Jabbari’s attorney, Brad Edwards, wrote, “We are happy to announce that the meritorious lawsuit Grace Jabbari filed against Jonathan Majors was successfully settled. It took tremendous courage for Grace to pursue this case. We are happy to have helped her close this chapter favorably so that she can move forward and begin to finally heal.”
NPR has reached out to Majors’ attorneys for comment about the dismissal.
In a separate domestic violence case in 2023, Majors was convicted of misdemeanor assault and harassment charges. Prosecutors argued that Majors had attacked Jabbari, his then-girlfriend, in the back of a car in Manhattan on March 25 of that year. Later that night, he returned to their hotel and called 911 to report that he’d found Jabbari “unconscious,” but was arrested when police found her with a broken finger in addition to bruises and cuts on her body. Earlier this year, he was sentenced to probation and enrolled in a domestic violence prevention program.
Jabbari’s civil suit was filed just before Majors was sentenced in criminal court this spring. She alleged that in addition to assault and battery, Majors also defamed her, “smearing” her name following his arrest and conviction. At the time, Majors’ lawyer said they would be preparing counterclaims.
Majors had been a rising star in Hollywood, playing Kang the Conqueror in Marvel’s Ant-Man and the Wasp: Quantumania and starring alongside Michael B. Jordan in Creed III. He was set to portray Kang in upcoming movies, but Marvel and Disney dropped the actor following his conviction. He and actress Meagan Good announced their engagement at an event on November 17.
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