Lifestyle
L.A. Affairs: I’m a disabled woman. Is that a dating deal breaker?
I used to be 8 years outdated when a rupture in my mind stem left me in a wheelchair, unable to talk, partially paralyzed.
I wanted emergency mind surgical procedure after which years of remedy to study to speak once more and stroll once more.
At present, I’m very fortunate. I’ve my very own consulting enterprise, however I stroll with a limp and I’ve no mobility in my left hand. I’ve additionally by no means discovered love. I’m in my mid-30s and I’ve by no means had a boyfriend.
I didn’t get to have my first kiss as a youngster. My first kiss was in my late 20s with a man I met after a university basketball recreation. He by no means requested me for a dinner date, however he did invite me to his home for just a few make-out classes earlier than it fizzled and I by no means heard from him once more. I’ve been on each relationship app potential. I’ve had workplace crushes. As soon as, I went out for glad hour drinks with a man I’d labored with, and preferred. And he proceeded to inform me all in regards to the girl he’d began relationship.
Guys at all times appear to wish to hang around with me and speak to me. But none of those males ever attempt to transfer me out of the “good friend zone.”
It’s onerous to not take it personally. How usually can we see totally able-bodied folks relationship people with disabilities on TV or movie? Within the media? Or in actual life? Does having a limp actually make that a lot of a distinction when discovering somebody enticing?
It wasn’t till I moved to Los Angeles from Washington, D.C. — from a spot the place politics dominate to a spot the place creatives write to higher know themselves — that I discovered a solution.
It began after I employed an intimacy coach, as a result of that’s apparently what one does in L.A.
I met her by way of a yoga studio in Santa Monica. My first to her electronic mail learn — “I’ve by no means dated anybody; are you able to assist? I feel it must be due to my bodily incapacity.”
I instructed her my final result.
I needed to be somebody’s girlfriend.
And whereas that also hasn’t occurred, in some methods I’ve achieved a much more vital final result — the belief that my incapacity itself wasn’t inhibiting my intimacy with males.
It was how I emotionally responded to having a incapacity that was getting in the best way.
Over the course of my life, I’ve instructed lots of of individuals about my mind damage. Sometimes, folks reply to me with the standard sympathies — “Oh, I’m so sorry” — or embarrassed silence.
Just lately, nonetheless, one thing modified. One thing modified inside me.
A good friend and I had completed dinner at Cecconi’s on Melrose when my good friend struck up a dialog with a cute man as they have been standing close to the valet. One factor led to a different, and shortly we have been accompanying the lovable man — and his cute good friend — up the road for drinks at Catch LA. Ultimately, the subject of my incapacity got here up (I don’t thoughts sharing it) and all of the work it has taken me to beat it. As I completed, I anticipated the standard reactions.
To my shock, nonetheless, the person subsequent to me loudly exclaimed, “Wow!” and requested with real admiration in his voice: “How did you do this!?”
After I absorbed my shock at his query, I needed to shortly give you a solution. Nobody had ever requested me this earlier than. I took a breath and and responded, “Nicely, I simply ‘alpha’d’ up and retaught myself to reside.”
The phrases have been no sooner out of my mouth than I noticed what I’d mentioned. These phrases had a lot extra energy to me than to him. (Actually, the dialog had moved on.)
Nevertheless it was the primary time I verbalized the crux of why I struggled with intimate relationships — I had been caught in a single power sample in my physique.
By my work with the intimacy coach, I had studied my capability to navigate between what most name (and I might argue we have to transcend calling) stereotypically masculine and female energies. Some name it our alpha and omega energies.
From this vantage level, I may see that my childhood was a lesson in easy methods to “alpha up” to guard myself from the hurts of the world. From the sting of a high-school good friend predicting that I might by no means get married as a result of “no person marries somebody with a incapacity” to the heartbreak of watching all of my pals get married after I was simply longing to be kissed, I hardened up, I’d alpha’d up, as a result of in any other case the ache of being perpetually single plus having a bodily incapacity would have overcome me.
However Los Angeles has turn into a spot the place I’ve discovered to maintain that ache from overtaking me.
By my interior therapeutic, I’m discovering methods to melt up, to open up, to make room for the opportunity of letting somebody in. The other of “alpha-ing” up.
This course of hasn’t been fairly, or simple. I cried so many tears over a man from San Diego. I’d met him just a few years in the past, when he was on a keep in D.C., after I was nonetheless dwelling there. Once I lastly labored up the braveness to inform him that I preferred him, I obtained the “I feel you’re nice, however I simply wish to be pals” line. So we stayed pals, and after I moved to the West Coast, we started going out to dinner. Each week. That is it, I instructed myself. It’s lastly taking place. So I geared as much as inform him: I needed extra. I needed an intimate relationship with him. After which he instructed me he’d began seeing another person.
As terrible as that have was, although, I took it as a constructive signal. It confirmed my progress. I had been susceptible sufficient to speak a want I had by no means communicated earlier than — that I needed to offer another person entry to my physique.
Transferring ahead, are there nonetheless going to be instances the place I’ll must “alpha up” to get by way of a problem? Completely. However I consider there was a historic value to all of that “bracing for the worst.” It prevented me from permitting somebody to have an effect on me to the core.
And I’m not going again to that.
Examples of able-bodied folks relationship disabled folks like me could also be few and much between in our tradition at massive. (When’s the final time you noticed a TV present or movie a few disabled girls who had an precise intercourse life?) However now that I’ve discovered the voice that I’ve hidden for therefore many a long time, I’m going to make use of it to alter this narrative.
The creator is the L.A.-based founding father of CultureSmart, a consulting agency that helps start-ups create a office tradition that embraces inclusion. You’ll find her on Instagram at @ecgoodson and on Medium.com.
L.A. Affairs chronicles the seek for romantic love in all its superb expressions within the L.A. space, and we wish to hear your true story. We pay $300 for a printed essay. Electronic mail LAAffairs@latimes.com. You’ll find submission pointers right here. You’ll find previous columns right here.
Lifestyle
Why bananas may become one of the first casualties of the dockworkers strike
If you enjoy sliced bananas with your cereal or drinking a banana smoothie, you might want to savor it while you can. Fresh bananas could be one of the first casualties of the dockworkers’ strike.
The strike, now in its third day, has halted traffic at ports along the east coast and the gulf coast which handle an estimated three-quarters of all banana imports.
That includes the port of Wilmington, Del., which is the number one gateway for bananas coming into the U.S.
Ships from Dole and Chiquita — two of the world’s biggest banana producers — ferry more than 1.5 million tons of bananas to Wilmington every year from Central and South America.
Many of those bananas are then trucked to M. Levin & Co. in Philadelphia — which has been trading bananas in the region for four generations.
“The bananas are on the water for about seven days,” says Tracie Levin, who helps to oversee daily operations at the firm. “They come through the ports here. We pick them up. We ripen them in the ripening rooms for a few days, and then they go out to their stores and that’s how they get to consumers in the area.”
That normally smooth and largely invisible process is one of many that have been interrupted by the dockworkers’ strike, which has halted shipments of everything from auto parts to wine.
Levin is hoping for a quick resolution.
“We want a fair deal for everyone, from the ports to the workers,” she says. “Our country relies very heavily on our ports so this is definitely going to have a ripple-down effect if it doesn’t come to an end soon.”
In the banana business for over a century
Of all the goods now treading water in shipping containers, few are more sensitive to the passage of time than fresh fruit. Auto parts and wine generally don’t spoil if they’re stuck in transit for a little while. But for bananas, the clock is ticking.
“These bananas do have a shelf life, even when they’re sitting in the refrigerated containers,” Levin says. “If they sit too long they will dry out. They will not ripen properly. It’s really important that they get unloaded before they end up sitting out there too long and just become trash.”
It’s something Levin knows very well, since her family has been in the banana business for over a century.
“My great-grandfather in 1906 started ripening bananas on Dock Street in Philadelphia in the cellar,” she says.
In those early days, bananas arrived by the boatload still attached to giant stalks. Today the fruit comes in cardboard boxes, stacked in refrigerated shipping containers. Levin’s company handles about 35,000 of those 40-pound cartons every week, supplying big box stores and corner retailers as far west as Chicago.
People may soon go bananas
Levin’s company stockpiled extra truckloads of green bananas before the strike, and they do have some ability to slow the ripening process — but only for so long.
The wholesaler has enough fruit on hand to last a week or so, but after that, look out.
“Our banana supply will be dwindling if the ships aren’t getting the fruit off,” Levin says. “The consumer may see a banana shortage at their local grocery stores very soon.”
For now, grocery shoppers might want to pick up a few extra bananas, just in case. But of course, those won’t stay fresh long either.
Lifestyle
Championing Retail Career Development at Aesop
Lifestyle
This horror genre is scary as folk – and perfect October viewing
It’s October. Some of your neighbors will spend this, the official first weekend of spooky season, going all-out with inflatable yard skeletons and ghosts. They will embark upon the annual attempt to make candy corn, aka high-fructose ear wax, a thing. They’ll adorn their front porches with those cotton spider webs that look nothing like real spider webs and instead just make it look like they went and ritually murdered a white sweater so they could hang its dismembered corpse across their doorway as a grisly warning to all other knitwear.
For me, it’s a more simple, elemental formula: Hot cider, cider donuts, folk horror.
The appeal of cider and donuts is universal, but folk horror might need some defining. Essentially, it’s horror set in remote, isolated areas where nature still holds sway. Well, nature paired with the superstitious beliefs of the locals, who tend to treat unwary outsiders with suspicion (if the outsiders are lucky) or malice (if they’re not).
The classic example is 1973’s The Wicker Man, in which an uptight, devout, and veddy veddy British policeman (Edward Woodward) visits a remote Scottish island to investigate the disappearance of a young girl. Turns out the locals have embraced a form of Celtic paganism, which doesn’t sit right with him. He says as much to the island’s aristocratic leader, a mysterious and charismatic sort played by Christopher Lee. Things don’t end well for our poor British bobby – though presumably the island will enjoy a bountiful harvest, so, you know: Big picture, it’s still a win.
Other founding classics of the genre include 1968’s The Witchfinder General and 1971’s The Blood on Satan’s Claw, which of the three films has the least going for it, apart from its title, which is, all reasonable people can agree, metal AF.
I love me some folk horror, and am never happier than when I can while away a damp, foggy (and thus obligingly atmospheric) October afternoon mainlining new and old examples of the form like Kill List, You Won’t Be Alone, Viy, The Ritual, Häxan, The Medium, Apostle, Midsommar, The Witch, Hereditary, Night of the Demon, A Field in England, Robin Redbreast, and Men. (Looking for more examples? Check out the documentary Woodlands Dark and Days Bewitched: A History of Folk Horror.)
Some folk horror involves supernatural elements, but I confess a particular fondness for those stories that don’t – stories where it’s the folk themselves (read: the locals, and their beliefs) who are the true and only source of the horror. (I won’t spoil which of the above films traffic in human vs. supernatural evil, in case you haven’t seen them.)
Talismans and turtlenecks
The Wicker Man was the first folk horror film I saw as a kid, which is maybe why I harbor a deep love of folk horror set in ’70s Britain, a time and place when an interest in the occult became faddish, inspiring a wave of folk horror specifically inflected with Satanic panic. Many of these films were set in the past, but those like The Wicker Man were set in the then-present, a time when men wore wavy hair and tight bell bottoms. Christopher Lee’s Lord Summerisle, for example, sported a kicky tweed leisure suit topped off by a burnt-orange sweater.
It’s why I think of this very specific subgenre of ‘70s folk horror as Talismans and Turtlenecks.
I just came across a new-to-me example of T & T last Sunday afternoon, which was suitably cold and wet and misty: 1970’s The Dunwich Horror. A stiff-haired Sandra Dee, desperately attempting to shake her goody-goody image, plays a woman who falls under the sway of a young and hilariously intense, wide-eyed Dean Stockwell. (Seriously, you keep waiting for his character to blink, but instead he just keeps goggling fixedly at the world around him. At one point he makes a pot of tea, staring at it so fiercely through every stage of the process you start to wonder if he’s trying to convince it to hop into bed with him.)
Don’t get me wrong: It’s a cheesy film, filled with crummy dialogue and hammy acting and cheap sets and one fight scene so wildly inept that has to be seen to be disbelieved. I won’t reveal if the threat hanging over the film is human or supernatural (though the fact that it’s based on an H.P. Lovecraft short story should tip you off). But I will say that Stockwell sports a thick, curly hairdo, a cravat, two count-em two pinky rings, and a huge mustache that curls under itself at either end, in the process effectively turning my guy’s mouth into a parenthetical statement.
You can watch it for free, with commercials, on Pluto TV, which I swear is a real streaming service and not something I made up. The Dunwich Horror is not remotely scary, but it does have something to say, I suppose, about the madness of crowds and what, back in grad school, we used to call “othering.” (The Stockwell character is the scion of an eccentric family that the local community has shunned for generations, you see.)
And that, of course, is the abiding appeal of folk horror: It takes those universal feelings of alienation and isolation that make us all feel like outsiders in our own communities and gives them flesh. When the supernatural is involved, sometimes that flesh pulses and oozes. Sometimes it’s furry and clawed.
But whenever the story is about our collective tendency to cling to belief in the supernatural, the flesh involved is all too human, and probably gets stabbed with a sacrificial dagger in the final reel. Happy spooky season, y’all.
This piece also appeared in NPR’s Pop Culture Happy Hour newsletter. Sign up for the newsletter so you don’t miss the next one, plus get weekly recommendations about what’s making us happy.
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