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L.A. Affairs: He said I was smarter and funnier than his ex. So why was he conflicted?

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L.A. Affairs: He said I was smarter and funnier than his ex. So why was he conflicted?

Jay and I matched on Hinge the night I was going to delete my account. His profile painted a picture of intellect and being well-traveled, active and fun. His messages were witty, and he knew how to keep the conversation going. I was more invested in getting to sleep, so I eventually replied with a question and logged off.

When I didn’t hear from him the next day, I deleted my account as planned, disappearing from our conversation. Days later, I received a connection request and message from Jay on LinkedIn. He was traveling for work, and when he went back on Hinge, he thought he had accidentally deleted our match and panicked. He was relieved to see that a search for my name and occupation led to my profile on LinkedIn.

I could have been creeped out, but instead it felt like old-school dating, when you’re in a room full of people and you see that one person you want to talk to. He looked for me, and I felt chosen.

On LinkedIn, we had mutual work connections, we were both in leadership and our careers intersected. I worked in animated films, and he worked in toys, producing children’s toys for characters in films I have worked on. “Given the intersection of our careers, shouldn’t we at least meet?” Jay asked.

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We met at Brand Library & Art Center in Glendale. Within the first few minutes, I made a quirky remark about the library’s collection of music CDs that made him snort-laugh. As I was thinking, Did he just snort?, he said, “Great, I snorted. So much for first impressions.” The ice was broken.

We went from the library to a nearby bar. I was drawn to his smile and laugh, which were on display often. His sense of humor was in sync with mine, which is a much sought-after connection for me. I liked his quiet confidence. Conversation was natural and easy, not one-sided. We ended the evening with a hug and a “Let’s do it again.”

Our next date was playing pickleball immediately followed by dinner at the French bistro Entre Vous in Pasadena. I loved that we went from the court to the restaurant with zero expectation of having to change from our athletic wear. This man was winning points for not expecting me to get fancy for dinner.

A turning point for us was a date that started at Echo Park Lake. We rented a swan paddleboat on a picturesque day when we could see the downtown L.A. skyline with great clarity in the distance, with the water and fellow swan boats in the foreground. I felt completely myself without the self-consciousness that sometimes comes with those first few dates. After paddling, we took a leisurely stroll around the lake, twice. Our conversation got deep: previous trauma, relationships, vulnerabilities, outlook in life.

We talked about our last relationships. He was in a long-distance relationship for two years with a woman who lived in another state. She helped bring him out of a deep depression following his divorce. They talked of building a future together, she met his kids, she planned to relocate and move in with him. After a great first year, things fizzled. She became inconsistent in how she showed up to the relationship, and he ended it.

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I asked if he still had feelings for her. “She is dead to me,” he said bluntly. This seemed harsher than his usual persona, so I clearly hit a nerve. But it was reassuring.

I talked about my regrettable three-year relationship with a man who was a prolific liar when it came to other women and was completely devoid of emotional support when it mattered most. Jay listened intently as I shared my journey of understanding why I stayed with a man who came into the relationship waving red flags.

During that walk with Jay, I felt more seen, heard and supported than I had in the entire relationship with my ex-boyfriend. After shaking off the seriousness of our conversation, we drove to Barnsdall Art Park for a picnic. “Rise” by Herb Alpert came on in the car. Jay turned up the volume and rolled down the windows, and we cruised up to the park like teenage sweethearts pulling into high school. The song became the first in our soundtrack. “Suddenly” by Billy Ocean would later join it as the song we slow-danced to in Jay’s kitchen while both chuckling at how ridiculously corny the scene was and wondering if anyone in the hills of Highland Park could see us.

It was an exciting two months. We could talk shop. He valued my work experience and expertise, turning to me when he had what he called WWBD (What Would Bernie Do) moments. I exposed him to new hikes. He taught me how to cook Mediterranean dishes. We saw live music and we laughed a lot. I even thought he was cute when he arrived for one of our hikes looking like a beekeeper with his wide-brimmed safari hat. He jokingly wondered how I’d allow myself to be seen with him looking like that, which made me like him even more.

Everything was great until his ex-girlfriend was resurrected from the ashes of “She is dead to me” with one phone call to Jay. She professed her love for him and owned up to the ills of her ways. He ended that call by telling her that he needed time to process their conversation.

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To his credit, Jay told me about the call, and his resulting conflicted feelings. He said that by all accounts, he and I were more compatible and that I am smarter, funnier and in a better place in my career than his ex. But he valued the memories he had of their relationship, especially at its high point. I respected Jay for his honesty and transparency, but I was blindsided.

While teetering on the line between being supportive and standing my ground, I shared my thoughts simply: “I’m not going to pitch myself to you. This isn’t ‘The Bachelor.’ I don’t compete. I’m either the first choice or I’m not.” He asked for a night to think things through. While I already considered that to be a choice against what we had, I agreed.

Ultimately he chose his known history with his ex over the potential we had. I was heartbroken. It felt like I was unexpectedly hurled out of a roller coaster going full speed. It was tough to hear, but I understood.

I don’t know how the conversation with his ex went or if he eventually got on a plane for an in-person conversation or if they gave their relationship another go. It doesn’t matter.

Being with Jay showed me a partnership rooted in intellectual and emotional connection, belly laughs and honesty. Even if we had continued dating, it was too early to tell where things could have gone. All I know with utmost certainty is that I want the same deep connection we had, but with a man who will always choose me.

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The author has been a Valley girl her entire adult life. In addition to having a day job, she is a freelance writer and creative director. She shares local outdoor inspiration on the Instagram account @h5tolife.

L.A. Affairs chronicles the search for romantic love in all its glorious expressions in the L.A. area, and we want to hear your true story. We pay $400 for a published essay. Email LAAffairs@latimes.com. You can find submission guidelines here. You can find past columns here.

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Brazilian music legend Sérgio Mendes dies at 83

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Brazilian music legend Sérgio Mendes dies at 83

Brazilian musician Sérgio Mendes sits for a portrait at home in Los Angeles on May 18, 2021.

Chris Pizzello/Invision/AP


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RIO DE JANEIRO — Sérgio Mendes, the Grammy-winning Brazilian musician whose hit “Mas Que Nada” made him a global legend, has died after months battling the effects of long COVID. He was 83.

The death Thursday of the Brazilian pianist, songwriter and arranger was confirmed in a statement by his family.

“His wife and musical partner for the past 54 years, Gracinha Leporace Mendes, was by his side, as were his loving children,” the statement Friday said. “Mendes last performed in November 2023 to sold out and wildly enthusiastic houses in Paris, London and Barcelona.”

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His composition “Mas Que Nada” was one of the songs that helped popularize the Brazilian music genre bossa nova worldwide in the 1960s.

In 2006, a modern version of the song topped U.S. charts, as performed by Black Eyed Peas. It was included in his album “Timeless,” produced by will.i.am and featuring Stevie Wonder, Justin Timberlake and the Black Eyed Peas, among others.

“Sergio Mendes was my brother from another country,” trumpet player Herb Alpert wrote on Facebook, along with a photo from decades ago, sitting next to Mendes at the piano. “He was a true friend and extremely gifted musician who brought Brazilian music in all its iterations to the entire world with elegance.”

Mendes also composed the soundtrack for the film “Pelé,” featuring saxophonist Gerry Mulligan, and even produced an album recorded by the Brazilian legendary soccer player.

Mendes won the 1992 Grammy Award for Best World Music Album for “Brasileiro” and two Latin Grammy Awards. He also received an Oscar nomination in 2012 for Best Original Song for “Real in Rio,” from the animated film “Rio.”

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Mendes’ family said they will provide details regarding funeral and memorial services at a later date.

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Here are 25 movies we can't wait to watch this fall

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Here are 25 movies we can't wait to watch this fall

Clockwise from left: Wicked, Here, Emilia Pérez, A Real Pain, Piece by Piece and Blitz.

Universal Pictures, Sony Pictures, Shanna Besson/Pathé, Searchlight Pictures and Apple TV+


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School’s back in session, election season’s heating up, the leaves need raking, and you just want to get out of the house and escape, right?

We’ve got you covered. Everything from award contenders to goofy comedies, a smattering of romance, plenty of anti-heroes, even an animated musical documentary constructed entirely of LEGOs — all curated by NPR critics.

We’ll see you at the movies.

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Beetlejuice Beetlejuice, in theaters Sept. 6
Look, who knows if this is gonna work? Plenty of directors have returned to their early films to see what, if any, gold remains to be mined. Sometimes they hit the motherlode (Mad Max: Fury Road), other times the result is a cinematic cave-in (The Matrix Resurrections). Director Tim Burton’s recent films have all displayed his trademark darkness, but it’s been years since we glimpsed the transgressive, anarchic humor he made his bones on. I’m pulling for him. It’s showtime. — Glen Weldon

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His Three Daughters, in theaters Sept. 6, on Netflix Sept. 20
The cast sells this one: Carrie Coon, Elizabeth Olsen and Natasha Lyonne are each often the best thing about the projects they’re in. And here they are together, playing sisters who gather when their father is dying. It might not seem obvious to cast such different performers as family, but there is something about three singular women in the same film that makes a kind of sense. — Linda Holmes

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Meanwhile on Earth, in theaters Sept. 13
In this moody, surreal French sci-fi film, a young woman grieves her beloved brother, who disappeared on a space mission three years prior. One night, she receives a message: a mysterious presence says it can return him to Earth… if she does it a small favor. It’s the latest from director Jeremy Clapin, whose unforgettable I Lost my Body, about a severed hand’s quest to be reunited with its original owner, was nominated for an Oscar in 2020. Nous allons! — Glen Weldon

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My Old Ass, in theaters Sept. 13
While hallucinating on mushrooms in her last summer before college, Elliott (Maisy Stella) is visited by her 39-year-old self (Aubrey Plaza), blithely offering unsolicited advice: “I know mom can be annoying but be nice to her; hang out with your brothers; and avoid anyone named Chad.” That’s a cue for Percy Hynes White’s endearingly dorky Chad to make his appearance in Megan Park’s coming-of-age charmer. — Bob Mondello

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All Shall Be Well, in theaters Sept. 20
A darling of the festival circuit, this Hong Kong drama follows Angie and Pat, a lesbian couple in their 60s who’ve been together for decades. When Pat suddenly dies, her family treats Angie with compassion — at first. Soon, questions over Pat’s estate cause a rift that endangers Angie’s ability to stay in the apartment they shared. Films tackling the intersection of queerness and aging aren’t exactly thick on the ground; early reviews say this one manages to be both sad and life-affirming. — Glen Weldon

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A Different Man, in theaters Sept. 20
This brutal psychological drama stars Sebastian Stan as an aspiring actor with neurofibromatosis, a genetic mutation. To widen his casting opportunities, he undergoes facial reconstructive surgery – but when he encounters a fellow performer with the same medical condition (Adam Pearson), he’s forced to reckon with the choice he made. This may be one of the strangest and most challenging things you’ll watch all year, and it’s worth it. — Aisha Harris

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The Substance, in theaters Sept. 20
The body horror, the body horror! Coralie Fargeat’s latest film kind of sounds like a mad twist on Severance: Demi Moore is an aerobics star who’s fired from her show for turning 50. She’s offered the chance to inject a substance that will transform her into a younger version of herself (Margaret Qualley). She must “switch” between her younger and older self every seven days, but – surprise, surprise! – things don’t go exactly as planned. — Aisha Harris

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WOLFS, in theaters Sept. 20, on Apple TV+ Sept. 27
George Clooney and Brad Pitt have been making capers together since Ocean’s Eleven in 2001. Now, they join up for an action comedy about two sketchy but efficient fixers. The only hangup is that they both work alone, but now they’re forced to work together. It’s a well-worn setup, and the result will depend on whether they can recapture the affectionate repartee one more time. — Linda Holmes

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Megalopolis, in theaters Sept. 27
Look, reportedly this whole production is deeply fraught – you can Google the many reasons yourself. But the mere existence of a brand-new Francis Ford Coppola film in 2024 still has people talking. It’s a decades-long passion project with a stacked cast that includes Adam Driver, Giancarlo Esposito, Aubrey Plaza, Talia Shire, and Laurence Fishburne. And its CGI-heavy, time-traveling story looks truly out-there: Coppola reimagines the fall of Rome through the lens of a modern-day New York. — Aisha Harris

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The Wild Robot, in theaters Sept. 27
Filmmaker Chris Sanders (How to Train Your Dragon) has been telling interviewers that the computer-generated visuals in this tale of a shipwrecked robot named Roz (voiced by Lupita Nyong’o) who befriends an island’s critters and adopts an orphaned gosling, were inspired by the watercolor backgrounds in Bambi, and by the lush hand-drawn forests of Hayao Miyazaki. The idea was to place the high-tech protagonist of this ecological fable in an emotionally resonant wilderness. — Bob Mondello

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Joker: Folie a Deux, in theaters Oct. 4
The original Joker was supposed to be a standalone film, but when it made a billion dollars, and Oscar-winner Joaquin Phoenix started dreaming about his deranged Arthur Fleck telling jokes and singing onstage, what’s a poor movie studio to do? Phoenix and director Todd Phillips conjured a story involving Fleck’s music therapist, Harley Quinn; Lady Gaga signed on to play her, and here we are. — Bob Mondello

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The Platform 2, on Netflix Oct. 4
The Platform, Spanish director Galder Gaztelu-Urrutia’s 2019 feature debut, was a nasty piece of work — an grisly anti-capitalist screed in sci-fi/horror clothing. In a tower prison, the residents of the top floors enjoy sumptuous meals served on a vast slab. But as that platform descends at designated intervals down through the tower, the lower residents fight over leftovers. No, it’s not subtle, as metaphors go, but I’m eager to see where a sequel takes us. — Glen Weldon

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Piece by Piece, in theaters Oct. 11
“Y’know what’d be cool?” asks Pharrell Williams, channeling his “It might seem crazy what I’m ‘bout to say” opening lyric to “Happy” – “is if we told my story with LEGO pieces.” As he is LEGO-ized while saying this in Morgan Neville’s computer-animated documentary and is joined on several new songs by LEGO-ized Gwen Stefani, Justin Timberlake, Kendrick Lamar, Busta Rhymes, Jay-Z and Snoop Dogg, it’s hard to disagree.
— Bob Mondello

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Saturday Night, in theaters Oct. 11
Jason Reitman jumps back 49 years to revel in the nervous energy of Lorne Michaels, Chevy Chase, Gilda Radner, Garrett Morris, John Belushi, Dan Aykroyd, and Jane Curtin on the eve of the very first broadcast of a little late-night comedy show they’d come up with. Interviews with the surviving principals inform the dramedy’s portrait of the hours leading up to those fateful words “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!” on Oct. 11, 1975. — Bob Mondello

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Anora, in theaters Oct. 18
The first American film to win the Palme d’Or at Cannes in 13 years, Sean Baker’s comic drama follows New York sex worker Anora (Mikey Madison) as she impulsively elopes with Russian tourist Vanya (Mark Eydelshteyn), who’s eager to avoid deportation. The magic in their fairytale romance is challenged somewhat when Vanya’s parents swan in to try to get the marriage annulled. — Bob Mondello

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Rumours, in theaters Oct. 18
Guy Maddin makes movies (Careful, The Saddest Music in the World, My Winnipeg) that are rich and strange – not necessarily in a crowd-pleasing way, but invariably in a me-pleasing way. He’s teaming with brothers Evan and Galen Johnson to write and direct this one, and the plot promises a big swing: World leaders attending the G7 conference get lost in the woods. I was all-in for this movie even BEFORE I found it stars Cate Blanchett and a giant brain. And now that I know that? All-innest! — Glen Weldon

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Woman of the Hour, on Netflix Oct. 18
Anna Kendrick’s directorial debut (in which she also stars) is based on the story of a serial killer who went on The Dating Game. It’s a bizarre and unsettling story to say the least, and it got solid reviews at the Toronto International Film Festival last year. Kendrick is a more interesting actress than she’s sometimes given credit for, and she may be the same as a director. — Linda Holmes

Nickel Boys

Nickel Boys

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The Nickel Boys, in theaters Oct. 25
Colson Whitehead’s Pulitzer winner about a Jim Crow-era reform school (based on Florida’s notorious Dozier School) chronicled the experiences of two Black teenagers — Elwood (Ethan Herisse) and Turner (Brandon Wilson) — as they try to survive the horrors and abuse of the school. RaMell Ross’ film will be the opening attraction at the New York Film Festival. — Bob Mondello

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A Real Pain, in theaters Nov. 1
Kieran Culkin is fresh off a stunning performance in HBO’s Succession, where he could be surprisingly sympathetic for a guy who was basically a sleazeball. Here, he joins Jesse Eisenberg, who also wrote and directed, to play cousins who join up for a trip in Poland. These are both actors who are just about always worth your time, and who doesn’t love a road trip movie? — Linda Holmes

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Here, in theaters Nov. 1
Director Robert Zemeckis never met a technological innovation he didn’t want to play with, from motion capture in Polar Express to digital animation in Who Framed Roger Rabbit. This time, he’s employing generative AI to face-swap and de-age his Forrest Gump stars, Tom Hanks and Robin Wright, as they play characters from 18 to 80 in a story that chronicles events on a single plot of land. — Bob Mondello

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Emilia Pérez, in theaters Nov. 1, on Netflix Nov. 13
The word out of Cannes earlier this year, where it won the Jury Prize, was that Jacques Audiard’s musical comedy crime film is both exciting and polarizing. At the very least, the logline is compelling: Zoe Saldaña is a lawyer who’s roped into helping a ruthless cartel leader (Karla Sofía Gascón) fake her own death so she can undergo gender affirming surgery. Mentally prepare yourself now for The Discourse to come.
— Aisha Harris

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Heretic, in theaters Nov. 15
Two young women, Mormon missionaries, greet a kindly older man who invites them inside his remote home for a sober discussion of the tenets of their faith. But this is an A24 horror film, so things don’t stay sober for long. The older man in question is played by a slyly sinister Hugh Grant, and his home is an elaborate maze made to test their faiths. I’m getting Barbarian vibes from the trailer — and it’s not like that cardigan Grant’s wearing makes things any LESS creepy. Brrrr. — Glen Weldon

Blitz

Blitz

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Blitz, in theaters Nov. 1, on Apple TV+ Nov. 22
Steve McQueen – that name alone should be enough to warrant attention. The Shame and 12 Years a Slave filmmaker wrote and directed this historical drama, which has been described as an “epic journey” set during World War II. And it stars the always captivating Saoirse Ronan as a woman whose young son goes missing in the English countryside. Sign me up.
— Aisha Harris

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Gladiator II, in theaters Nov. 22
Two decades after the events depicted in Ridley Scott’s Gladiator, Lucius, the little boy (grandson of an emperor) who cheered on Russell Crowe in the Colosseum, has grown up to be Paul Mescal and finds himself in much the same position. Enslaved, he’ll fight not tigers, but a rhinoceros, under the tutelage of power-broker Denzel Washington as he opposes a pair of cruel and capricious young emperors. — Bob Mondello

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Wicked, in theaters Nov. 22
Two witches — Galinda (Ariana Grande), bubbly and “popular,” Elphaba (Cynthia Erivo), green and fragile — take on a duplicitous wizard (Jeff Goldblum) in this adaptation of the first act of the smash Broadway musical based on Gregory Maguire’s “Wicked: The Life and Times of the Wicked Witch of the West.” It’ll be a long and winding yellow brick road (the second act arrives for Thanksgiving 2025). — Bob Mondello

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Simone Biles Ensures She Has 'Plenty' Of Bears Gear Now After Packers Jacket Drama

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Simone Biles Ensures She Has 'Plenty' Of Bears Gear Now After Packers Jacket Drama

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