Lifestyle
Everyone on dating apps wants banter. But what does that even mean?
“Looking for banter!”
It’s a dating app standard, among the Billboard Hot 100 of bio banality. Along with a passion for food, travel, plants and “The Office” (yes, still), the ability to banter, whatever that may mean, has become a common prerequisite for earning someone’s swipe right.
The number of U.S. Tinder users who listed “banter” on their profiles has grown by nearly 7% since 2022, with the word appearing significantly more often in bios of men who are 33 or older than women of the same age, according to Tinder spokesperson Tomas Iriarte Reyes. Countless articles provide prompts and advice on how to amp up the banter on dating apps. Reddit threads help introverts banter like the pros or suggest ways one can boost a conversation’s banter quotient. The fictional dating app in Apple TV’s “Ted Lasso” is even called Bantr.
But what is banter really? And what is it good for?
Sex educator Shan Boodram, Bumble’s resident sex and relationships expert and workshop facilitator on Netflix’s UK-based dating show “Too Hot to Handle,” notes that the word “banter” is thrown around more frequently in the UK. The popularity of British reality shows like “Too Hot to Handle” and “Love Island” may have contributed to the word’s adoption stateside.
Boodram says that banter encompasses two of the most consistent factors that contribute to a relationship’s longevity. “Agreeableness and willingness to meet each other’s bids,” she says. She explains the latter as “You scratch my back and I will scratch yours. In 2023, this also means you watch my saved TikTok with interest, and I will watch yours.”
The majority of roughly 100 dating app users I surveyed about banter using an online form noted that the presence of a quick back-and-forth established intellectual parity, comedic compatibility and similar interests. It’s a way to test boundaries, casually introduce personal details that may be deal-breakers and create intimacy. Even those who didn’t explicitly look for bios that mentioned banter wanted everything that banter represents. About a third said they preferred bios that included the term. Boodram explains that just like our animal kingdom peers whose mating rituals include funny little dances and call-and-response trills, we’ve concocted our own ways to signal interest and push for reciprocity through play.
“It’s romance movie terminology,” says Erin Carlon, author of “I’ll Have What She’s Having,” a deep-dive into the Nora Ephron canon. She explains that as romance novels boomed in popularity over the pandemic, the language they employed seeped into the general cultural consciousness, and in turn, onto dating apps. That, along with movies like Ephron’s “You’ve Got Mail” and “When Harry Met Sally” and later cruder comedies like “Wedding Crashers” and “Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy” led Gen-Xers and millennials to believe that we crave, and could even have, the verbal dexterity and impeccable rapport of scripted characters.
At its most thrilling, banter mimics the buildup and climax of good sex. According to Carlson, tension-filled banter was Hollywood’s answer to the enactment of puritanical movie production guidelines in the 1930s — if sex itself was a no-go, charged dialogue was the next best thing.
It’s “sex without having sex,” says Christopher Cartmill, the head of dramaturgy at Rutgers University. He points to the 1980s television show “Moonlighting” and its equally chatty 1940s cinematic predecessor “His Girl Friday” (and Shakespeare’s “Taming of the Shrew”) as examples of hardcore badinage serving as a viable substitute for the boudoir.
In those examples, the straight couples proved their attentiveness through their quick wit and evenly matched cruelty. It’s two proud people conceding that they’ve found the one person who can see through their steely exterior. And the result can be better than sex.
Which, if you’re an asexual like Alexis Bates, 26, of Waco, Texas, is part of banter’s appeal. She explains that she and her current “datemate” will fake fights and improv their way through an argument to reach mutual release. However, she adds, there’s no ill will. In fact, their openness to poke fun at each other and be goofy and vulnerable is a testament to the safety and kinship they’ve found in each other. “It’s cathartic,” she says. “The body registers that we’ve argued, we’ve had these little skirmishes, and we’re fine. It continues to build the healthy relationship.”
Despite its omnipresence on dating apps, banter isn’t inherently flirtatious or sexual. The Oxford English Dictionary defines it as “mocking, humorous, or arch remarks made about people or things to expose their shortcomings and to make them appear laughable; humorous ridicule; (also) good-humoured teasing or raillery, witty or amusing repartee.” And nearly all respondents to my survey wrote that outside of dating apps, they bantered with friends, family or colleagues (or all the above). It’s a catchall term used to describe everything from a team’s locker room dynamics, to gossip at a middle school girl’s sleepover, to a comedian’s crowd work, to Aaron Sorkin’s workplace dialogue, to the chummy buffoonery of “Seinfeld.”
Which makes asking for banter on a dating app something of a guessing game. Are men looking for a shrewd dame with a wickedly sharp sense of humor and a dynamite body, are they looking for the Pam to their Jim, a co-conspirator for life who’s goofy and charming, or are they looking for a “cool girl,” what Gillian Flynn describes in “Gone Girl” as a “funny woman who adores football, poker, dirty jokes, and burping, who plays video games, drinks cheap beer, loves threesomes and anal sex.”
Maybe what they really want is a true friend. And given that there’s been a drastic decline since 1990 in the number of close friendships men have, it makes sense that they’d ask for the same buddy-buddy ribbing where it’s easiest to search for new connections.
Or maybe they’re looking for all four in one.
Studies researching humor and romance in heterosexual relationships have found that both men and women view having a sense of humor as an asset. Hinge’s love and connection expert, therapist Moe Ari Brown, says that “92% of Hinge daters consider a shared sense of humor to be an important factor when considering being in a relationship with someone.”
But a sense of humor doesn’t mean the same thing for everyone. According to a 2015 study published in “Evolutionary Psychology,” which replicated a 2006 study, men seem to want women who will laugh at their jokes and women want men who will make them laugh. (I’ve even seen men write that they’re “looking for someone to laugh at my jokes” in their bios, and survey respondents who do not limit their dating app parameters by gender noticed this sentiment far less frequently among women and nonbinary users.)
“When guys are like ‘I’m funny’ in their bios, I’m like, ‘Let me be the judge of that,’” says Kate Parrish, a 38-year-old straight woman from Nashville, Tennessee who relies on Bumble for finding dates. She says that since joining dating apps after her divorce, she’s become well acquainted with matches who articulate that they’re looking for sparky dialogue but can’t carry their own weight. Still, she says she prefers men who mention banter in the profiles.
“I suspect that a lot of men who write that they want someone with good banter and a good sense of humor are actually saying that they want someone to enthusiastically talk about what they’re interested in and who laugh at their jokes even if they are offensive,” says Boodram. (Donald Trump excused the pussy grabbing comments he made on Access Hollywood in 2016 as “locker room banter,” and bullying in the workplace, at school and in the sports arena underscores a widespread willingness to excuse derogatory humor as “banter.”)
Like Parrish, I found that many men who said we had good banter were delusional in believing that they had any part in it. Our conversations weren’t so much the stuff of “Moonlighting” fan fiction as they were a game of T-ball. I’d unloaded the plastic stand, bases and mesh bag of balls from the trunk of my car, handed them the bat, and said “go get ‘em slugger” before tossing them a slow pitch. They’d hit it and name themselves MVP.
Alas, I too had once included “banter” on my profile, something of a bat signal to liberal arts majors. I’d seen it on the profiles of the kinds of men I’d wanted to match with and thought maybe if they saw that it were in my bio too, they’d identify me as a kindred spirit. Just two chatty daters with a penchant for sex jokes, bad puns and blink-or-you’ll-miss-it cultural references. I wanted the Harry to my Sally and asked for the one thing I knew I could deliver.
It didn’t work.
Ultimately, “banter” is nothing more than a buzzword, the 2024 answer to the “sapiosexual” craze where online daters peacocked their degrees by designating their sexual preference as “intellectuals.” It’s a Boy Scout badge for chemistry earned through acing a written test alone, a promise of something you may not be able to deliver once the memes and GIFs give way to a cup of coffee or a walk in the park. Or as Carlson says, “Men have always looked for smart and funny women. This is just a different way of saying it.”
Prince on the custom motorcycle featured in Purple Rain.
Cinematic/Alamy
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Cinematic/Alamy
Wendy Melvoin, guitarist for Prince’s genre bending band The Revolution, remembers one of their most iconic songs started with an idea — and a challenge — from the boss himself.
Prince broached the topic during a band rehearsal. “He came to the table with this beautiful idea … most of the songs [on the album] had already been done,” says Melvoin, “He said ‘I have this idea and sounds a little like this…whattaya you guys got?’”
What Wendy had was an idea for a mournful cascade of guitar chords that proved the perfect starting point.
“I came up with that intro and that chord progression to get us into the song,” she adds. “And it ended up being one of the most iconic intros to a pop ballad ever.”
The song Purple Rain would become the surprising, anthemic climax for a film of the same name that emerged as one of the most successful and influential musical films in history. The movie hit theaters 40 years ago, breaking barriers in the music world while signaling the ascendancy of Prince as a pop music superstar.
Putting Purple Rain on the silver screen
Filmed around the band’s Minneapolis hometown, Purple Rain had a simple story. Prince’s character — known only as The Kid – is rocked by his dad constantly beating his mother at home, struggling to connect with his bandmembers and a new romantic interest, a beautiful singer named Apollonia.
Drummer Bobby Rivkin, known onstage as Bobby Z, says the idea of showcasing Prince’s songs and The Revolution in a film was inspired by the success of MTV and its focus on music videos.
“Prince was always someone who took a step bigger than the cultural [stuff] that was happening at the times,” he adds. “Once MTV started playing his videos, I think he just gravitated to something bigger and said ‘I’ll just take it to the next level.’’”
Melvoin says she and The Revolution — including Rivkin, keyboardists Lisa Coleman and Matt Fink and bassist Brown Mark — found out they would be working on a movie when Prince announced it in a matter-of-fact way at a rehearsal. But she wasn’t worried about whether she could act or how the band would look onscreen.
“I guess if I had any concern back then, it was just literally, ‘was the story going to be any good?’” she says, laughing. “I didn’t have any doubt the music sequences would be fantastic. But I didn’t have a good sense of whether the narrative of the film was going to work.”
Turns out, it all worked pretty well. Purple Rain was a hit, with the film and its soundtrack earning an Oscar, two Grammy awards and status as a groundbreaking musical film.
It also introduced a film audience to Prince’s scorching performance style, his unerring ability to craft hit tunes, and his distinctive fashion sense. Prince’s network of bands and performers also got some attention – including the girl-fronted group Apollonia 6 and the funk band The Time.
The Time lead singer Morris Day and his onstage foil Jerome Benton became the film’s comic center, with the two riffing on a version of Abbott and Costello’s classic routine “Who’s on First?”.
“Honestly, we weren’t trying to be funny … we always clowned around at the time because we were young,” Day says, responding to questions via email. He noted, even though the cast took acting and dance classes in preparation for filming, “we were just being ourselves. If anything, I was more conscious of being cool than funny.”
Morris Day of The Time performs in Chicago in 1983, before Purple Rain came out.
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Raymond Boyd/Getty Images
He’s not surprised people are still talking about the film four decades after its initial release.
“The film was groundbreaking on so many levels … it was the first of its kind,” adds Day, who says he’s only watched the film in its entirety one time, at its Hollywood premiere on July 26, 1984. “It somehow reminds people of a special period in their lives during the ‘80s, which is a period we all at times wish we could reclaim.”
Building the drama in Purple Rain
Fans know the film tells a more combative story behind the genesis of the song Purple Rain.
Onscreen, Melvoin and her then-girlfriend, keyboardist Lisa Coleman write the song, fighting a reluctant Prince – known only as The Kid in the movie – to let The Revolution play it onstage.
“Everytime we give you a song, you say you’re going to use it, but you never do,” Melvoin shouts at Prince during the scene, delivering some of the best acting from the musicians who mostly fill out the cast. “You think we’re doing something behind your back…you’re just being paranoid as usual.”
When Prince finally agrees to play Purple Rain onstage at the Minneapolis club First Avenue – launching into an emotional rendition topped by one of the best guitar solos in pop music – he wows the crowd and saves the band. But Melvoin says now that the friction they acted out was “movie magic” conjured to build a story; in real life, she, Lisa and Prince were very close collaborators.
Prince, alongside Wendy Melvoin (left) and Lisa Coleman (right) accepts Purple Rain‘s Oscar for best original score in 1985.
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Powered by hits like the title track and the percolating dance jam I Would Die 4 U, Purple Rain burst like a lavender-tinged explosion across the pop culture landscape – launching Prince’s growing fame into the stratosphere.
The innovative dance hit When Doves Cry, recorded by Prince with no bass guitar, became his first Number One single on Billboard’s Hot 100 singles list. That was followed by his second Number One single, the rock and soul classic Let’s Go Crazy, which showcased his guitar skills at a time when rock guitar wasn’t heard often on R&B records.
Giving fans a peek behind the mystique
Prince had developed a mystique by rarely talking to the press. So, in the days before YouTube and Tik Tok, Purple Rain offered a sustained – if fictionalized – look at the inner workings of the band and his origin story for fans eager to know more.
And it centered a group of performers who were a mix of identities and ethnicities in the Midwest, making music that crossed all kinds of cultural barriers, at a time when people like that were rarely seen on the silver screen.
“That film was Prince’s version of social media,” Melvoin says. “This is funk rock and nobody’s seen a movie based on this kind of life. It [was] a trip for people to see.”
But there were also criticisms. Many of the film’s performers were amateurs, which showed in their performances. And female characters were often treated badly on screen: in one scene, Jerome Benton gets rid of a hostile woman confronting Day by tossing her into a dumpster.
“Given today’s culture, I’m certain there are moments in the film that ruffle a few feathers,” Day says. “Overall, I would like to think we did something great. And based on the overwhelming majority [of public reaction], I believe we did.”
The film ultimately proved the perfect showcase for Prince’s expansive creativity – from his ruffled shirts and big shouldered clothes to his mix of religion and sexuality in lyrics, innovative ways of recording and his seemingly endless supply of high-quality songs.
Bobby Rivkin, otherwise known as Bobby Z, during a recording session in 1989.
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“MTV opened the door a little bit — just a teeny crack of light — and he would kick it open,” Rivkin adds. “He was innovative in fashion and culture. And it was a remarkable time for him. From humble beginnings to control [of] black culture, crossover culture … rock, funk, pop … He was on fire for quite a while.”
Continuing on without the boss
A couple of years and albums later, Prince disbanded The Revolution. But the group has reunited a few times – notably for a benefit concert after Rivkin had his first heart attack in 2010 – and after Prince died in 2016, at age 57 from an accidental fentanyl overdose. More recently, the group came together last month to perform during a five-day event in Minneapolis celebrating Purple Rain’s 40th anniversary.
Both Melvoin and Rivkin say they hope The Revolution can play more shows commemorating Purple Rain’s anniversary over the next year. But they also admit it can be challenging performing without their dynamic leader and frontman, even as playing together helps them process the loss.
“After he passed, it’s the only thing that we could think of to do — to be together and grieve,” Melvoin says.
And what would The Kid himself think about the legacy of his blockbuster film and album? Day says he’s not sure.
“[Prince] never liked staying in the past,” the singer adds. “He was always evolving. Once Purple Rain was done, he was on to the next. But now that I’m thinking about it, he might have thrown a big celebration at Paisley Park for the fans. Probably would have been one hell of a jam session.”
TMZ.com
Josh Flagg says Ben Affleck might actually be putting down roots in Brentwood as opposed to it being a pit stop … telling us he’s heard the guy might be quietly buying a pad there.
We got the ‘Million Dollar Listing’ star at the Plaza Hotel in New York City — and our photog asked him about Ben and Jennifer Lopez publicly listing their Beverly Hills mansion for $68 million … and what the implications for that might be big picture.
Remember … Ben and Jen only just bought the place in 2023, and Josh says the quick flip here makes it look like they are getting divorced … something we’ve been reporting is going to happen for a while now.
We broke the story … Ben and J Lo were quietly trying to sell the estate off-market — but it clearly didn’t work out, and now they’ve going public with the house sale.
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As you know … Ben’s been staying in a Brentwood rental since moving out of the marital Bev Hills mansion, and J Lo’s been spending a lot of time on her own too … first in Europe, and then more recently in New York to celebrate her birthday week.
TMZ Studios
But, get this … Josh says he recently heard Ben was quietly in escrow on something in Brentwood … so BA may not be renting anymore after all — at least that’s what JF’s floating.
As for the Bev Hills mansion — which Ben and Jen paid over $60 million for — Josh explains why Bennifer might not be taking a huge financial hit … although, they definitely ain’t gonna be turning a profit either.
Interesting stuff all around … especially that tidbit about Ben, if it turns out to be right.
Kathleen Hanna of The Julie Ruin performs onstage at the 2016 Panorama NYC Festival – Day 2 at Randall’s Island on July 23, 2016 in New York City. (Photo by Nicholas Hunt/Getty Images)
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This week’s show was recorded in Chicago with host Peter Sagal, judge and scorekeeper Bill Kurtis, Not My Job guest Kathleen Hanna and panelists Meredith Scardino, Peter Grosz, and Mo Rocca Click the audio link above to hear the whole show.
Who’s Bill This Time
Momala Takes Over; Assigned Seats Are Back; And The Heat Is On
The Olympic Torch Reporch
Our Summer Olympics Preview
Bluff The Listener
Our panelists tell three stories about someone committing an office faux pas, only one of which is true.
Not My Job: We quiz Bikini Kill’s Kathleen Hanna on Hanna-Barbera
Punk icon Kathleen Hanna plays our game called, “Kathleen Hanna Meet Hannah-Barbera.” Three questions about the animation studio.
Panel Questions
Hide Your Receipts; VR Meets ER; Avocado Apologies
Limericks
Bill Kurtis reads three news-related limericks: Situation Room Cocktails; Burrito Bird; Hopped Up Sharks
Lightning Fill In The Blank
All the news we couldn’t fit anywhere else
Predictions
Our panelists predict what will be the big story out of the Paris Olympic Games
Team USA wins its first medal of the Paris Summer Olympics
Nebraska fisherman reels in new fish species in state: 'Bright orange with turquoise'
Cat in Texas weighing 26 pounds is placed on diet after animal rescuers step in
Tennessee girl charged with suffocating cousin, 8, in her sleep after fight over iPhone
Southern California man hospitalized after suspect steals coffee cart, leads police on wild chase
See it: Tesla crashes into Columbus convention center at 70 mph
Fox News Politics: Georgia the whole day through
Colorado Rockies game no. 116 thread: Zac Gallen vs José Ureña
Death of missing Oregon girl found in stream ruled homicide
At least 2 dead as tornadoes hit Alabama, damage homes across Southeast
Team USA wins its first medal of the Paris Summer Olympics
Trump announces to crowd he 'just took off the last bandage' at faith event after assassination attempt
Where are the world’s millionaires and how is wealth divided globally?
Sonya Massey killing: Black woman died from gunshot wound to head, confirms autopsy; attorney calls shooting 'senseless' – Times of India
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