Culture
Pre-training camp NFL Power Rankings: Chiefs and 49ers reign, Texans and Bears on the rise
The longest offseason in major professional sports will be over by the end of the week. Five NFL teams have already opened training camp. Twenty-three more start on Tuesday, and the remaining four kick off Wednesday. The Hall of Fame Game between the Houston Texans and Chicago Bears is less than 10 days away.
So we can officially say the NFL is back, and the power rankings are just as happy about that as the rest of you. The preseason rankings start where last season’s rankings ended — with the Kansas City Chiefs and San Francisco 49ers at the top — but there’s been some movement down the line. The Hall of Fame Game participants, for instance, are among the biggest risers because of one young quarterback who has already proven himself and another who everyone expects to soon.
On with the list:
Last season: 11-6 in regular season, Super Bowl champions
The last time the Chiefs failed to make the NFL’s final four, Matthew Stafford was a Lion, Ryan Tannehill was a Dolphin and Ben Roethlisberger was an active player. That was 2017. Since then, Patrick Mahomes has won 15 playoff games (more than all quarterbacks but Tom Brady and Joe Montana) and never finished a season as a starter short of the AFC Championship Game. Mahomes is 28 years old. If he plays as long as Brady, that means 17 more years to pad what could be an otherworldly stat line.
Last season: 12-5, lost Super Bowl
The 49ers are the NFL’s narrative busters. Need a top-10 quarterback to compete at the highest level? Nope. San Francisco has gone to two Super Bowls and two more NFC title games with Brock Purdy and Jimmy Garoppolo at quarterback. There are consequences for missing on a top-five quarterback? Not for the Niners. This team traded three first-round picks to draft Trey Lance No. 3 in 2021 and hasn’t missed a beat despite Lance already being off the team. Kyle Shanahan, despite his near misses, might be underpaid.
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Last season: 12-5, lost NFC Championship Game
The Lions have won more games since Nov. 6, 2022 (22), than they did in the previous 1,769 days (18). These are giddy times in Detroit, and the Lions have responded by throwing cash around, extending quarterback Jared Goff, offensive lineman Penei Sewell and wide receiver Amon-Ra St. Brown to big-money deals this offseason. Maybe just as importantly, Detroit retained offensive coordinator Ben Johnson, who led the Lions to the fifth-best offense in the league last season based on EPA (expected points added) per play, according to TruMedia.
Amon-Ra St. Brown and the Lions have fans excited about the possibilities in 2024. (Nic Antaya / Getty Images)
Last season: 10-7, lost in AFC divisional round
For most of the NFL’s history, calling a team the Lions of the AFC would have been fighting words. Not anymore. The Texans are the cross-conference counterparts of the Lions, which is to say they are their conference’s best-vibes team. After C.J. Stroud’s remarkable rookie season, Houston is going all in behind its young quarterback, re-signing tight end Dalton Schultz and adding wide receiver Stefon Diggs and running back Joe Mixon to an offense that scored 45 points against one of the league’s best defenses in Stroud’s first career playoff game. If the Texans can survive being this offseason’s hot team, it could be a special season in Houston.
Last season: 13-4, lost AFC Championship Game
The 2023 Ravens were the NFL’s best team for long stretches. The 2024 Ravens are something different. Baltimore has added Derrick Henry but lost defensive coordinator Mike Macdonald, linebacker Patrick Queen, safety Geno Stone, defensive end Jadeveon Clowney, three starting offensive linemen and about 10 percent of a quarterback. Reigning league MVP Lamar Jackson appears to have lost more than 20 pounds. Will he be the same player who has led Baltimore in rushing and passing each of the last five years? Probably.
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Last season: 11-6, lost in AFC wild-card round
In the first four seasons of Deshaun Watson’s career, he had a passer rating of 104.5, a 2.4 touchdown-to-interception ratio and was off target on only 6.4 percent of his throws, according to TruMedia. It’s why the Browns sent three first-round picks, a third and two fourths to the Texans to acquire him. In two seasons in Cleveland, Watson has a passer rating of 81.7, a 1.6 TD-to-interception ratio and has been off target on 15.8 percent of his throws. Last year’s Browns still won 11 games. If Watson and running back Nick Chubb (coming off a knee injury) can return to form this year, Cleveland will be a contender.
Last season: 12-5, lost in NFC wild-card round
In the last three seasons, the Cowboys have won 36 regular-season games and one playoff game. Owner Jerry Jones is so fed up that he … did basically nothing this offseason to improve the team. Head coach Mike McCarthy is back (with a new defensive coordinator — Mike Zimmer, who replaced Dan Quinn). Linebacker Eric Kendricks and running back Royce Freeman were Dallas’ only free-agency additions. Plus, quarterback Dak Prescott will be playing with a $55 million cap hit and in the final year of his contract this season because the Cowboys don’t seem concerned about getting an extension done.
Last season: 9-8, lost in NFC divisional round
Green Bay was the fourth-youngest playoff team in NFL history last season, according to the Elias Sports Bureau. In the second half of the season, the Packers’ offense was eighth in the league in scoring (23.7) and fourth in yards per play (6.0), and they won seven of their last 10 games. In the playoffs, Green Bay put 48 points on the Cowboys and then lost by just three to the 49ers in the divisional round. Coach Matt LaFleur and 25-year-old quarterback Jordan Love seem to be getting along fine.
Last season: 11-6, lost in AFC divisional round
Only the Chiefs have a longer active streak of double-digit-win seasons than the Bills’ five. Whether Buffalo can continue that streak is one of the league’s most interesting questions. It lost Diggs, Jordan Poyer, Tre’Davious White, Mitch Morse, Tyrel Dodson and Leonard Floyd in the offseason. That means more of the load falls on quarterback Josh Allen, who already carries plenty for the Bills. In the last five seasons, no player has averaged more fantasy points per game, according to TruMedia. It’s not an exact match for on-field value, but it’s a pretty good indicator.
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Last season: 11-6, lost in NFC wild-card round
Questions abound in Philly. Will new offensive coordinator Kellen Moore’s system suit quarterback Jalen Hurts? How will the offensive line hold up without “the other Kelce,” center Jason who, like his brother Travis, is a future Hall of Famer but, unlike his brother, is not dating Taylor Swift and is now retired? But the biggest question is: What the heck happened last season? The Eagles lost six of their last seven games, and their point differential (minus-59) was the fourth worst in the league during that stretch, suggesting something more than personnel fits was amiss with the one-time juggernaut.
Can Jalen Hurts and the Eagles rebound after their late-season collapse in 2023? (Steph Chambers / Getty Images)
Last season: 10-7, lost in NFC wild-card round
The Rams won seven of eight to end the regular season and dropped a one-point game to the Lions in the playoffs. In the offseason, they remade their secondary and fortified their offensive line. And just like that, 38-year-old coach Sean McVay is back in the fray in the NFC. McVay enters his eighth season already in the top 100 of all-time head-coaching wins (70). Just two years ago, he coached a five-win team and the media job offers were piling up. Now, he’s coaching a contender again.
Last season: 11-6, lost in AFC wild-card round
Through Week 15 last season, the Dolphins led the NFL with 31.5 points per game. From Week 16 through a wild-card round playoff loss, they were 30th in scoring with 15.5 points per game. Did defenses figure out the league’s fastest offense? Did injuries catch up to Miami? Was it just that they played better teams down the stretch? Yes to all three, but coach Mike McDaniel has had an entire offseason to adjust, and quarterback Tua Tagovailoa should have lots of motivation playing in the final year of his contract.
Last season: 7-10, missed playoffs
Aaron Rodgers is ninth all time in the NFL in passing yards (59,055), and he realistically could pass Dan Marino and Matt Ryan this year to move to seventh. He’s fifth in passing touchdowns (475) and could pass Brett Favre to get to fourth. These numbers are provided here in case anyone forgot Rodgers actually plays football. And usually pretty well. If he can do that again this year after playing only four snaps before snapping his Achilles tendon last year, the Jets will be legitimate contenders. New York returns most of a defense that was second in the NFL in expected points added last season.
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Last season: 9-8, missed playoffs
The defense that quietly helped power Cincinnati to Super Bowl LVI completely fell apart last season. The Bengals gave up 6 yards per play, the worst number in the league. That’s going to have to be corrected if the vaunted return of Joe Burrow is going to mean much. The quarterback played only 10 games last season because of a wrist injury that everyone in Cincinnati hopes is behind him. In the last three seasons, Burrow’s passer rating (101) is the fourth best in the league, and he’s going to need to be special again this year.
The Bengals are counting on a big season from Joe Burrow, who is returning from a wrist injury. (Andy Lyons / Getty Images)
Last season: 7-10, missed playoffs
A quick NFL history lesson: This team used to be referred to as the Monsters of the Midway. That’s right. The Bears were once good but have had only one winning season since 2012 and one playoff win since 2006. So why are Bears fans so giddy? No one in the NFL has added more in the offseason. The list includes No. 1 pick quarterback Caleb Williams, No. 9 pick wide receiver Rome Odunze, veteran wide receiver Keenan Allen, safety Kevin Byard and running back D’Andre Swift. They also overhauled their entire offensive coaching staff.
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Last season: 5-12, missed playoffs
Jim Harbaugh won 11 games in his second season as the University of San Diego’s head coach. He won 12 games and an Orange Bowl in his fourth year at Stanford. He won double-digit games in each of his first three seasons as coach of the 49ers. He won 10 games in his first year at the University of Michigan and a national title seven years later. The former quarterback is an odd duck, but he can coach. And now he has quarterback Justin Herbert, who has topped 4,700 passing yards in two of his four professional seasons.
Last season: 7-10, missed playoffs
The Falcons gave 35-year-old quarterback Kirk Cousins the largest total-money free-agency deal in NFL history (four years worth up to $180 million) and then spent the No. 8 pick on University of Washington quarterback Michael Penix Jr. That’s how scarred Falcons owner Arthur Blank and his executives were after two years of alternating Marcus Mariota and Desmond Ridder as the starting quarterback. Cousins will be playing in the McVay offensive system thanks to Atlanta’s hiring of former Rams defensive coordinator (and before that Atlanta interim head coach) Raheem Morris as head coach.
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Last season: 9-8, missed playoffs
Entering his second season, Colts quarterback Anthony Richardson is 15th in the NFL’s MVP odds, according to BetMGM. His odds are as good or better than those of Cousins, Christian McCaffrey, Justin Jefferson and many more proven players. So it seems the betting markets are putting as much pressure on the young quarterback as the Colts, who seem to be expecting Richardson to be some sort of Superman despite playing only four games in 2024 before a shoulder injury ended his season. He averaged 144 passing yards and 36 rushing yards per game in his four starts, during which Indianapolis went 2-2.
Last season: 9-8, missed playoffs
If you allow Seattle to have a mulligan on the 2009 season, when Jim Mora went a forgettable 5-11 before being fired, the Seahawks have had only two head coaches since 1999. Mike Holmgren held the job for 10 years, and Pete Carroll just finished a 14-year stint. Now it’s Macdonald’s turn. The former Ravens defensive coordinator was a college graduate assistant just 11 seasons ago and is taking over a team that could go either direction. The hopes of Macdonald and the Seahawks rest on quarterback Geno Smith, who is on a career-redefining run in Seattle.
Last season: 10-7, lost in AFC wild-card round
After 17 almost maddeningly consistent seasons in Pittsburgh, it seems like coach Mike Tomlin is going one way or the other in a big way this year. He has two new quarterbacks who come from starting jobs — Russell Wilson and Justin Fields — and a new offensive coordinator in Arthur Smith. Tomlin has never had a losing season in Pittsburgh, but this offensive mix might end that. Or it might rejuvenate a team that hasn’t won a playoff game since 2016. Wilson and Fields both bring dynamic talents to the mix, and Smith has a good history with athletic quarterbacks. It should be fun to watch either way.
The Steelers offense should be more interesting than last season with quarterbacks Russell Wilson, left, and Justin Fields playing in new coordinator Arthur Smith’s system. (Joe Sargent / Getty Images)
Last season: 9-8, missed playoffs
The Jaguars and their quarterback are the NFL’s Rorschach test — is this team the AFC South favorite led by one of the league’s best quarterbacks or is it teetering on the brink of a rebuild? It depends on how you squint. Trevor Lawrence, the No. 1 pick in 2021, has topped 4,000 passing yards in each of his two non-Urban Meyer-coached seasons, but his touchdown-to-interception ratio since joining the league (1.5) is 27th in the last three years. That’s Daniel Jones and Garoppolo territory. Meanwhile, Jacksonville went 15-5 from Week 12 of 2022 through Week 12 of 2023 and then lost five of its last six to fall out of playoff contention.
Last season: 9-8, lost in NFC divisional round
Most of the Buccaneers’ offseason work consisted of holding on to their own free agents — quarterback Baker Mayfield, wide receiver Mike Evans and safety Antoine Winfield Jr. chief among them. The status quo feels fine to the Bucs these days after four straight seasons making the playoffs. That has happened only once before in the team’s 47-year history. A fifth straight trip would set a team record but likely will require holding off a restocked Falcons team in the NFC South. Given the recent history of both teams, the Bucs probably like their chances.
Last season: 7-10, missed playoffs
Jefferson became the highest-paid non-quarterback in the league this offseason when he signed a four-year, $140 million contract extension. That raise comes with heightened workplace expectations because instead of playing with a veteran quarterback in Cousins, Jefferson will have some combination of journeyman Sam Darnold and rookie J.J. McCarthy this season. Jefferson already has 4,825 receiving yards, the most by any player in his first three seasons. He’ll have longtime Packers running back Aaron Jones to help on offense this season.
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Last season: 6-11, missed playoffs
The Titans will attempt to play a football season without Henry this year. Maybe it’ll work, but it feels like a bad idea. Since being selected 45th in the 2016 draft, Henry has accounted for 24 percent of Tennessee’s yards from scrimmage. In place of the bruising Henry, new head coach Brian Callahan has added running back Tony Pollard and wide receiver Calvin Ridley to pair with DeAndre Hopkins around young quarterback Will Levis.
Last season: 9-8, missed playoffs
New Orleans’ cold war against the salary cap continues. The Saints, who are scheduled to be $88 million over the cap next year, are paying a lot of old players a lot of money this year. Alvin Kamara, Marshon Lattimore, Cameron Jordan, Derek Carr and Taysom Hill, all 29 or older, are their highest-paid players and on the back end of their peaks. If free-agency addition Chase Young can jump-start his career, it will help.
Last season: 8-9, missed playoffs
The Raiders signed defensive tackle Christian Wilkins to the third-largest free-agency contract of this offseason, so they’re not acting like a rebuilding team. Just a thought, maybe it’s time they did. Las Vegas has had only two winning seasons since 2002 and will be quarterbacked by Aidan O’Connell or Gardner Minshew this season. In defensive tackle Maxx Crosby and wide receiver Davante Adams, the Raiders have two of the most coveted trade pieces in the league. The Raiders can miss the playoffs without Crosby and Adams the same as they will with them, and they could restock with lots of high draft picks if they move them.
Is Raiders star Maxx Crosby in Las Vegas for the long haul or will he be traded this season? (Jamie Squire / Getty Images)
Last season: 4-13, missed playoffs
The Commanders signed a host of second-tier free agents in March, but the big move came in April when they drafted Heisman Trophy-winning quarterback Jayden Daniels with the No. 2 pick. It looks to be a long build behind Daniels. The Commanders were 25th in scoring (19.35 ppg) and last in points allowed (30.5 per game) last season. Former Cowboys defensive coordinator Dan Quinn was hired in the offseason to fix things after a long courtship with Lions offensive coordinator Ben Johnson proved unfruitful.
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Last season: 6-11, missed playoffs
Giants fans should keep Oct. 19 clear on their calendar. That’s when the Georgia Bulldogs will be playing the Texas Longhorns, and chances are at least fair the Giants’ next quarterback will be on the field. With Georgia’s Carson Beck, Texas’ Quinn Ewers and Colorado’s Shedeur Sanders, the 2025 quarterback draft class should have plenty of options. Of course, maybe Daniel Jones (and his $41 million, soon-to-be $58 million cap hit) will be the answer. His career 22-36-1 record and career 6.6 yards-per-attempt average, which ranks 39th in the NFL in the last five years, would suggest otherwise, though.
Last season: 4-13, missed playoffs
The first Patriots season without Bill Belichick as head coach since Bill Clinton was president starts with a question at quarterback. How long can veteran Jacoby Brissett hold off No. 3 pick Drake Maye? That’ll be up to new head coach Jerod Mayo, the former New England linebacker and linebackers coach. Both Maye and Mayo should get some grace as they start their careers because New England is 29-38 in the last four seasons (yes, that’s how long Brady has been gone).
Last season: 4-13, missed playoffs
The Cardinals enter coach Jonathan Gannon’s second season with more optimism than has been earned by the team’s eight wins in the last two seasons. Quarterback Kyler Murray got some help this offseason in the form of No. 4 pick wide receiver Marvin Harrison Jr., but it’s the defense that really needs a boost. Arizona gave up the second-most points (455) in the NFL last season. The Cardinals have been the most generous team in the league over the last two seasons, allowing 904 points.
Last season: 8-9, missed playoffs
Sean Payton’s career post-Drew Brees hasn’t gone much better than Belichick’s did after Brady left New England. Payton is 17-17 in two seasons without Brees — one in New Orleans and last year in Denver. Payton thinks he’s found the answer in rookie quarterback Bo Nix, whom the Broncos took with the 12th pick of the first round. Not many people agree with him. Nix was widely considered a second-round prospect who padded his college numbers in a quarterback-friendly offense at Oregon. In fact, Denver’s entire quarterback room — Nix, Jarrett Stidham and Zach Wilson — makes it seem like Payton just wants to prove how good he is as a quarterbacks coach.
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Last season: 2-15, missed playoffs
Maybe the Panthers really, really wanted Dave Canales as their head coach. Or, maybe more high-profile candidates were scared off by the combination of owner David Tepper and quarterback Bryce Young. Canales had a nice year as Tampa Bay’s offensive coordinator in 2023, but it was his only season as a coordinator. If he can reverse Young’s career track, none of that will matter. The former Alabama quarterback’s 5.5 yards per attempt in his rookie season were the fewest for any quarterback in the last eight seasons.
(Top photo of C.J. Stroud: Carmen Mandato / Getty Images)
Culture
What Happens When We Die? This Wallace Stevens Poem Has Thoughts.
Whatever you do, don’t think of a bird.
Now: What kind of bird are you not thinking about? A pigeon? A bald eagle? Something more poetic, like a skylark or a nightingale? In any case, would you say that this bird you aren’t thinking about is real?
Before you answer, read this poem, which is quite literally about not thinking of a bird.
Human consciousness is full of riddles. Neuroscientists, philosophers and dorm-room stoners argue continually about what it is and whether it even exists. For Wallace Stevens, the experience of having a mind was a perpetual source of wonder, puzzlement and delight — perfectly ordinary and utterly transcendent at the same time. He explored the mysteries and pleasures of consciousness in countless poems over the course of his long poetic career. It was arguably his great theme.
Stevens was born in 1879 and published his first book, “Harmonium,” in 1923, making him something of a late bloomer among American modernists. For much of his adult life, he worked as an executive for the Hartford Accident and Indemnity Company, rising to the rank of vice president. He viewed insurance less as a day job to support his poetry than as a parallel vocation. He pursued both activities with quiet diligence, spending his days at the office and composing poems in his head as he walked to and from work.
As a young man, Stevens dreamed of traveling to Europe, though he never crossed the Atlantic. In middle age he made regular trips to Florida, and his poems are frequently infused with ideas of Paris and Rome and memories of Key West. Others partake of the stringent beauty of New England. But the landscapes he explores, wintry or tropical, provincial or cosmopolitan, are above all mental landscapes, created by and in the imagination.
Are those worlds real?
Let’s return to the palm tree and its avian inhabitant, in that tranquil Key West sunset of the mind.
Until then, we find consolation in fangles.
Culture
Wil Wheaton Discusses ‘Stand By Me’ and Narrating ‘The Body’ Audiobook
When the director Rob Reiner cast his leads in the 1986 film “Stand by Me,” he looked for young actors who were as close as possible to the personalities of the four children they’d be playing. There was the wise beyond his years kid from a rough family (River Phoenix), the slightly dim worrywart (Jerry O’Connell), the cutup with a temper (Corey Feldman) and the sensitive, bookish boy.
Wil Wheaton was perfect for that last one, Gordie Lachance, a doe-eyed child who is ignored by his family in favor of his late older brother. Now, 40 years later, he’s traveling the country to attend anniversary screenings of the film, alongside O’Connell and Feldman, which has thrown him back into the turmoil that he felt as an adolescent.
Wheaton has channeled those emotions and his on-set memories into his latest project: narrating a new audiobook version of “The Body,” the 1982 Stephen King novella on which the film was based.
A few years ago, Wheaton started to float the idea of returning to the story that gave him his big break — that of a quartet of boys in 1959 Oregon, in their last days before high school, setting out to find a classmate’s dead body. “I’ve been telling the story of ‘Stand By Me’ since I was 12 years old,” he said.
But this time was different. Wheaton, who has narrated dozens of audiobooks, including Andy Weir’s “The Martian” and Ernest Cline’s “Ready Player One,” says he has come to enjoy narration more than screen acting. “I’m safe, I’m in the booth, nobody’s looking at me and I can just tell you a story.”
The fact that he, an older man looking back on his younger years, is narrating a story about an older man looking back on his younger years, is not lost on Wheaton. King’s original story is bathed in nostalgia. Coming to terms with death and loss is one of its primary themes.
Two days after appearing on stage at the Academy Awards as part of a tribute to Reiner — who was murdered in 2025 alongside his wife, Michele — Wheaton got on the phone to talk about recording the audiobook, reliving his favorite scenes from the film and reexamining a quintessential story of childhood loss through the lens of his own.
This interview has been edited and condensed.
“I felt really close to him, and my memory of him.”
Wheaton on channeling a co-star’s performance.
There’s this wonderful scene in “Stand By Me.” Gordie and Chris are walking down the tracks talking about junior high. Chris is telling Gordie, “I wish to hell I was your dad, because I care about you, and he obviously doesn’t.”
It’s just so honest and direct, in a way that kids talk to each other that adults don’t. And I think that one of the reasons that really sticks with people, and that piece really lands on a lot of audiences, and has for 40 years, is, just too many people have been Gordie in that scene.
That scene is virtually word for word taken from the text of the book. And when I was narrating that, I made a deliberate choice to do my best to recreate what River did in that scene.
“You’re just a kid,
Gordie–”
“I wish to fuck
I was your father!”
he said angrily.
“You wouldn’t go around
talking about takin those stupid shop courses if I was!
It’s like
God gave you something,
all those stories
you can make up, and He said:
This is what we got for you, kid.
Try not to lose it.
But kids lose everything
unless somebody looks out for them and if your folks
are too fucked up to do it
then maybe I ought to.”
I watched that scene a couple of times because I really wanted — I don’t know why it was so important to me to — well, I know: because I loved him, and I miss him. And I wanted to bring him into this as best as I could, right?
So I was reading that scene, and the words are identical to the script. And I had this very powerful flashback to being on the train tracks that day in Cottage Grove, Oregon. And I could see River standing next to them. They’re shooting my side of the scene and there’s River, right next to the camera, doing his off-camera dialogue, and there’s the sound guy, and there’s the boom operator. There’s my key light.
I could hear and feel it. It was the weirdest thing. It’s like I was right back there.
I was able to really take in the emotional memory of being Gordie in all of those scenes. So when I was narrating him and I’m me and I’m old with all of this experience, I just drew on what I remembered from being that little boy and what I remember of those friendships and what they meant to me and what they mean to me today.
“Rob gave me a gift. Rob gave me a career.”
Wheaton recalls the “Stand By Me” director’s way with kids on set, as well as his recent Oscars tribute.
Rob really encouraged us to be kids.
Jerry tells the most amazing story about that scene, where we were all sitting around, and doing our bit, and he improvised. He was just goofing around — we were just playing — and he said something about spitting water at the fat kid.
We get to the end of the scene, and he hears Rob. Rob comes around from behind the thing, and he goes, “Jerry!” And Jerry thinks, “Oh no, I’m in trouble. I’m in trouble because I improvised, and I’m not supposed to improvise.”
The context for Jerry is that he had been told by the adults in his life, “Sit on your hands and shut up. Stop trying to be a cutup. Stop trying to be funny. Stop disrupting people. Just be quiet.” And Jerry thinks, “Oh my God. I didn’t shut up. I’m in trouble. I’m gonna get fired.”
Rob leans in to all of us, and Rob says, “Hey, guys, do you see that? More of that. Do that!”
The whole time when you’re a kid actor, you’re just around all these adults who are constantly telling you to grow up. They’re mad that you’re being a kid. Rob just created an environment where not only was it supported that we would be kids — and have fun, and follow those kid instincts and do what was natural — it was expected. It was encouraged. We were supposed to do it.
They chanted together:
“I don’t shut up,
I grow up.
And when I look at you I throw up.”
“Then your mother goes around the corner
and licks it up,”
I said, and hauled ass out of there,
giving them the finger over my shoulder as I went.
I never had any friends later on
like the ones I had when I was twelve.
Jesus, did you?
When we were at the Oscars, I looked at Jerry. And we looked at this remarkable assemblage of the most amazingly talented, beautiful artists and storytellers. We looked around, and Jerry leans down, and he said, “We all got our start with Rob Reiner. He trusted every single one of us.”
And to stand there for him, when I really thought that I would be standing with him to talk about this stuff — it was a lot.
“I was really really really excited — like jumping up and down.”
The scene Wheaton was most looking forward to narrating: the tale of Lard Ass Hogan.
I was so excited to narrate it. It’s a great story! It’s a funny story. It’s such a lovely break — it’s an emotional and tonal shift from what’s happening in the movie.
I know this as a writer: You work to increase and release tension throughout a narrative, and Stephen King uses humor really effectively to release that tension. But it also raises the stakes, because we have these moments of joy and these moments of things being very silly in the midst of a lot of intensity.
That’s why the story of Lard Ass Hogan is so fun for me to tell. Because in the middle of that, we stop to do something that’s very, very fun, and very silly and very celebratory.
“Will you shut up and let him tell it?”
Teddy hollered.
Vern blinked.
“Sure. Yeah.
Okay.”
“Go on, Gordie,”
Chris said. “It’s not really much—”
“Naw,
we don’t expect much from a wet end like you,”
Teddy said,
“but tell it anyway.”
I cleared my throat. “So anyway.
It’s Pioneer Days,
and on the last night
they have these three big events.
There’s an egg-roll for the little kids and a sack-race for kids that are like eight or nine,
and then there’s the pie-eating contest.
And the main guy of the story
is this fat kid nobody likes
named Davie Hogan.”
When I narrate this story — whenever there is a moment of levity or humor, whenever there are those brief little moments that are the seasoning of the meal that makes it all so real and relatable — yes, it was very important to me to capture those moments.
I’m shifting in my chair, so I can feel each of those characters. It’s something that doesn’t exist in live action. It doesn’t exist in any other media.
“I feel the loss.”
Wheaton remembers River Phoenix.
The novella “The Body” is very much about Gordie remembering Chris. It’s darker, and it’s more painful, than the movie is.
I’ve been watching the movie on this tour and seeing River a lot. I remember him as a 14- and 15-year-old kid who just seemed so much older, and so much more experienced and so much wiser than me, and I’m only a year younger than him.
What hurts me now, and what I really felt when I was narrating this, is knowing what River was going through then. We didn’t know. I still don’t know the extent of how he was mistreated, but I know that he was. I know that adults failed him. That he should have been protected in every way that matters. And he just wasn’t.
And I, like Gordie, remember a boy who was loving. So loving, and generous and cared deeply about everyone around him, all the time. Who deserved to live a full life. Who had so much to offer the world. And it’s so unfair that he’s gone and taken from us. I had to go through a decades-long grieving process to come to terms with him dying.
Near the end
of 1971,
Chris
went into a Chicken Delight in Portland
to get a three-piece Snack Bucket.
Just ahead of him,
two men started arguing
about which one had been first in line. One of them pulled a knife.
Chris,
who had always been the best of us
at making peace,
stepped between them and was stabbed in the throat.
The man with the knife had spent time in four different institutions;
he had been released from Shawshank State Prison
only the week before.
Chris died almost instantly.
It is a privilege that I was allowed to tell this story. I get to tell Gordie Lachance’s story as originally imagined by Stephen King, with all of the experience of having lived my whole adult life with the memory of spending three months in Gordie Lachance’s skin.
Culture
Do You Know the Comics That Inspired These TV Adventures?
Welcome to Great Adaptations, the Book Review’s regular multiple-choice quiz about printed works that have gone on to find new life as movies, television shows, theatrical productions and more. This week’s challenge highlights offbeat television shows that began as comic books. Just tap or click your answers to the five questions below. And scroll down after you finish the last question for links to the comics and their screen versions.
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