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Advice | Carolyn Hax: Stepmom wants ‘normal’ Italy retreat vs. always deferring to kid

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Advice | Carolyn Hax: Stepmom wants ‘normal’ Italy retreat vs. always deferring to kid


Dear Carolyn: My husband has custody of his 8-year-old daughter every other weekend. In our five years together, I have been utterly respectful of his duties as a father and his kid’s well-being.

But I have been invited to do a seven-week fellowship and retreat in Italy, and I would love to bring my husband. We have NEVER taken a nice trip together. We didn’t even really do a honeymoon because of work and his kid.

He said no to Italy because it would mean missing three or four visits from his daughter. For the first time, I felt mad and deprived. The other participants will have their partners there, exploring the city while we work. I want us to do this one normal thing.

It is not possible to bring the kid with us. If my husband came with me for a little while, then he couldn’t stay for longer than about 10 days minus travel time, so that’s not worth it either.

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Am I being totally selfish to want this? I feel that way, but I also feel entitled to want this normal thing. My one confidante about this, my mom, says it’s what I signed on for when I chose a man with a child.

Selfish?: Your mom’s right; this is exactly what you agreed to, eyes open.

But that doesn’t mean you always have to like it, must always exude daisies and sunbeams, and can’t ever feel “mad and deprived.”

Just go feel mad and deprived somewhere outside the range of your stepdaughter so you can let it dissipate naturally. If you plan to keep confiding in Mom, then tell her you know it’s what you “signed on for,” but you have unresolved feelings you’d like to talk through so they don’t keep gnawing at you.

If Mom can’t be that person for you, then choose someone who is able to agree with you that weeks overseas retreating together is “normal,” because, well. Let’s just say I’m amusing myself with the mental image of the reception you’ll get if you choose wrong.

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I kid, but a therapist is a good option here if feasible. Family blending is hard.

Which brings me to my second point. Having your moment to feel bad about missing out on something you want is more than mere self-indulgence. It’s about healthy emotional management.

If your response to your husband’s no-go on Italy were, “It’s A-okay, honey, because I’m so! lucky! to be your spouse! and a stepparent!!” then that would be forced and weird and, with repetition, distorting. Others wouldn’t know how you really felt, and eventually you might not, either.

So it’s important to trust that you can be 100 percent confident in your marriage and 100 percent pro-healthy-stepchild and still be bummed sometimes, out loud, about the restrictions on your husband’s time without feeling guilty about it.

So do that. Not harping, or dwelling, or undermining, of course; so-called venting (complaining with no productive purpose) only hands over more of your life to your problem and to others suffering in earshot. I’m saying only that you allow yourself to be honest about how you feel, and tell your husband that you understand (yes?) but are also really disappointed.

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And: If you’re not okay with “no” to everything as a never-yielding fact of your lives, then say that, too; you understand seven weeks overseas is excessive, but what about one or two somewhere, someday soon?

And: If you made your agreements with him in good faith, and if you’ve learned some new things about yourself since, then it’s better to be transparent with him about your evolution than to just muscle through any dissonance till you crack.

I’m adding these two discussion extenders because I see signs of distortion already in your letter. Have another look. “I have been utterly respectful of his duties as a father and his kid’s well-being.” “We have NEVER taken a nice trip together.” “We didn’t even really do a honeymoon.” “For the first time I felt mad and deprived.” [My emphasis.] And, “he couldn’t stay for longer than about 10 days minus travel time, so that’s not worth it either.”

Fine-fine-fine-fine-no-really-it’s-fiiiine-no-really-fine!-BOOM.

Doesn’t it to you, now, too?

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And the BOOM hits twice: The “normal” thing that deprivation has pushed you to want so badly seems like a way bigger ask than a “nice trip” or a honeymoon would ever have been — plus it has you completely dismissing as inadequate a perfectly lovely 10-days-minus-travel with your husband in Italy this summer. Is it truly “not worth it” because it’s a week and not seven?

So here’s what I’m thinking. Maybe you’re overdue just to be you. Where you recognize you aren’t a saint and can’t always smile off the cost of your choices — even as you know you made them willingly and would (presumably) make them again because he passes every character test. And where you ask your husband to bear with you as you freely, lovingly meet others’ needs while also learning to understand and make room for your own.



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Michigan vs. Washington: Where to watch, game information, betting line

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Michigan vs. Washington: Where to watch, game information, betting line


No. 10 Michigan will play in its first road game of the season when it takes on Washington on Saturday night. While neither team looks the same from last season, the game will be a rematch of January’s National Championship Game where Michigan won handily. The Huskies, 3-2, are searching for their first signature win in the Big Ten and the Huskies could get that by defeating the Wolverines.

Michigan and Washington are meeting for the 15th time ever. The Wolverines hold a 9-5 all-time record over the Huskies and Michigan has won the past three meetings between the two teams. The last time Michigan was in Seattle to face Washington, the Wolverines lost 23-18 in 2001.

The Wolverines are hoping to see their passing attack progress on Saturday against the No. 6 Washington passing defense. But Michigan will likely need to rely on a strong run game behind Kalel Mullings and Donovan Edwards, along with stifling defense on the road.

Before the game, here is some important information you sould know. 

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Spread: Michigan +1.5 (-108)

Over/under total: 41 points

Moneyline: Michigan +102, Washington -122

– Enjoy more Michigan Wolverines coverage on Michigan Wolverines On SI –

Recruits, targets predict Michigan football vs. Washington outcome

Michigan football opponent preview: Washington Huskies

Game Predictions: No. 10 Michigan at Washington



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Virginia man charged with defacing monument during Netanyahu protests in DC

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Virginia man charged with defacing monument during Netanyahu protests in DC


A Virginia man was arrested Friday on a charge that he spray-painted graffiti on a monument in the nation’s capital during protests against Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu’s address to Congress in July.

Zaid Mohammed Mahdawi, 26, of Richmond, Virginia, was charged in a complaint with one count of destruction of federal property. He was among thousands of protesters who gathered in Washington, D.C., on July 24 to condemn Netanyahu’s visit.

Some demonstrators who gathered outside Union Station that day removed American flags and hoisted Palestinian ones in their place. Others burned flags and sprayed graffiti on structures in Columbus Circle, in front of Union Station.

Videos posted on social media showed Mahdawi climbing the statue of Christopher Columbus in the middle of Columbus Circle and using red spray paint to write “HAMAS IS COMIN” on the monument, according to an FBI agent’s affidavit. He also spray-painted an inverted red triangle above the slogan, the affidavit says.

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The FBI later received a tip from a witness who knew Mahdawi from a Richmond gym and recognized his image in a police bulletin.

A group of protesters had a permit to demonstrate in front of Union Station, but the U.S. Park Police said it revoked the permit after it couldn’t reach protest organizers that afternoon. The National Park Service estimated that it cost more than $11,000 to clean up and fix damage at the site.

“Politically motivated destruction or defacing of federal property is not protected speech, it is a crime,” Matthew Graves, U.S. Attorney for the District of Columbia, said in a statement.

Mahdawi was expected to make his initial court appearance in Virginia on Friday.

A Maryland woman was arrested last month on a related charge. Isabella Giordano, 20, of Towson, is accused of using red spray paint to write “Gaza” on a fountain in front of Union Station and spray-painting the base of two of the flagpoles in Columbus Circle.

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Capitals Place Defenseman on Waivers

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Capitals Place Defenseman on Waivers


As the Washington Capitals continue to prepare for the 2024-25 NHL season, they are being forced to make tough roster cuts. Plenty of players are hitting the waiver wire, but the Capitals made a surprising move by placing defenseman Ethan Bear on waivers.

The 27-year-old Bear played 24 games with the Capitals in 2023-24 and scored four points (1G-3A). In three preseason games this year, Bear put up a pair of assists.

Bear is entering the final year of a contract that earns him $2,062,500 against the salary cap. With the Capitals likely looking to send Bear to the American Hockey League, $915,500 of his salary will still count against the cap.

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The Capitals had a stacked lineup of defenders heading into camp, and Bear was going to have his work cut out for him. As a right-shot defenseman, Bear was battling with Matt Roy and Trever van Riemsdyk for a possible role.

In 275 career games at the NHL level, Bear has scored 17 goals and 50 assists for 67 total poinst. Having also spent time with the Edmonton Oilers, Carolina Hurricanes, and Vancouver Canucks, Bear holds a career minus-14 rating.

The rest of the 31 teams around the league will have a chance to claim Bear off waivers and take on the full load on his contract. If a team believes Bear can still be a useful depth defender, they may be willing to take on the deal for a season.

If Bear passes through waivers, the Capitals can freely send him to the AHL where he can start the season with the Hershey Bears.

Along with Bear, the Capitals also placed forward Michael Sgarbossa on waivers.

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