Dear Carolyn: My husband has custody of his 8-year-old daughter every other weekend. In our five years together, I have been utterly respectful of his duties as a father and his kid’s well-being.
Washington
Advice | Carolyn Hax: Stepmom wants ‘normal’ Italy retreat vs. always deferring to kid
He said no to Italy because it would mean missing three or four visits from his daughter. For the first time, I felt mad and deprived. The other participants will have their partners there, exploring the city while we work. I want us to do this one normal thing.
It is not possible to bring the kid with us. If my husband came with me for a little while, then he couldn’t stay for longer than about 10 days minus travel time, so that’s not worth it either.
Am I being totally selfish to want this? I feel that way, but I also feel entitled to want this normal thing. My one confidante about this, my mom, says it’s what I signed on for when I chose a man with a child.
Selfish?: Your mom’s right; this is exactly what you agreed to, eyes open.
But that doesn’t mean you always have to like it, must always exude daisies and sunbeams, and can’t ever feel “mad and deprived.”
Just go feel mad and deprived somewhere outside the range of your stepdaughter so you can let it dissipate naturally. If you plan to keep confiding in Mom, then tell her you know it’s what you “signed on for,” but you have unresolved feelings you’d like to talk through so they don’t keep gnawing at you.
If Mom can’t be that person for you, then choose someone who is able to agree with you that weeks overseas retreating together is “normal,” because, well. Let’s just say I’m amusing myself with the mental image of the reception you’ll get if you choose wrong.
I kid, but a therapist is a good option here if feasible. Family blending is hard.
Which brings me to my second point. Having your moment to feel bad about missing out on something you want is more than mere self-indulgence. It’s about healthy emotional management.
If your response to your husband’s no-go on Italy were, “It’s A-okay, honey, because I’m so! lucky! to be your spouse! and a stepparent!!” then that would be forced and weird and, with repetition, distorting. Others wouldn’t know how you really felt, and eventually you might not, either.
So it’s important to trust that you can be 100 percent confident in your marriage and 100 percent pro-healthy-stepchild and still be bummed sometimes, out loud, about the restrictions on your husband’s time without feeling guilty about it.
So do that. Not harping, or dwelling, or undermining, of course; so-called venting (complaining with no productive purpose) only hands over more of your life to your problem and to others suffering in earshot. I’m saying only that you allow yourself to be honest about how you feel, and tell your husband that you understand (yes?) but are also really disappointed.
And: If you’re not okay with “no” to everything as a never-yielding fact of your lives, then say that, too; you understand seven weeks overseas is excessive, but what about one or two somewhere, someday soon?
And: If you made your agreements with him in good faith, and if you’ve learned some new things about yourself since, then it’s better to be transparent with him about your evolution than to just muscle through any dissonance till you crack.
I’m adding these two discussion extenders because I see signs of distortion already in your letter. Have another look. “I have been utterly respectful of his duties as a father and his kid’s well-being.” “We have NEVER taken a nice trip together.” “We didn’t even really do a honeymoon.” “For the first time I felt mad and deprived.” [My emphasis.] And, “he couldn’t stay for longer than about 10 days minus travel time, so that’s not worth it either.”
Fine-fine-fine-fine-no-really-it’s-fiiiine-no-really-fine!-BOOM.
Doesn’t it to you, now, too?
And the BOOM hits twice: The “normal” thing that deprivation has pushed you to want so badly seems like a way bigger ask than a “nice trip” or a honeymoon would ever have been — plus it has you completely dismissing as inadequate a perfectly lovely 10-days-minus-travel with your husband in Italy this summer. Is it truly “not worth it” because it’s a week and not seven?
So here’s what I’m thinking. Maybe you’re overdue just to be you. Where you recognize you aren’t a saint and can’t always smile off the cost of your choices — even as you know you made them willingly and would (presumably) make them again because he passes every character test. And where you ask your husband to bear with you as you freely, lovingly meet others’ needs while also learning to understand and make room for your own.
4 things to know about the weather:
- Nice Mother’s Day morning
- Shower chance late Sunday
- Morning showers on Monday
- Temperature drop to start the new workweek
Happy Mother’s Day to all the moms! Mother Nature will give us nice conditions for most of the day on Sunday. Expect sunshine and mild conditions for the first half of the day, then a chance of showers near dinner time.
Monday includes a chance of rain, mainly in the morning, then cooler air settles into the area. Highs go from near 80°on Sund ay to the mid 60s Monday.
Download the NBC Washington app on iOS and Android to check the weather radar on the go.
QuickCast
MOTHER’S DAY:
Mostly sunny
Showers late
Wind: W 5-10 mph
HIGH: Low 80s
MONDAY:
Shower chance early
Partly cloudy afternoon
Wind: W 5-10 mph
HIGH: Mid 60s
TUESDAY:
Sunny
Wind: N 5-10 mph
HIGH: Upper 60s
SUNRISE: 6:00 a.m. SUNSET: 8:09 p.m.
AVERAGE HIGH: 75° AVERAGE LOW: 56°
Stay with Storm Team4 for the latest forecast. Download the NBC Washington app on iOS and Android to get severe weather alerts on your phone.
An 18-year-old who was shot and wounded in Northwest D.C.’s Tenleytown neighborhood on Thursday afternoon has died, authorities say.
Brady Flowers Jr., of Southwest, was the victim, police said in an update Saturday.
Flowers was found shot in the 4500 block of Wisconsin Avenue NW, behind the CVS store. Jackson-Reed High School and American University are nearby.
Flowers was rushed to a hospital with life-threatening injuries and pronounced dead a day later, police said.
Police said 10-15 teens were seen running after the gunshots.
An investigation is underway. Anyone with potentially relevant information is asked to contact police.
News4 sends breaking news stories by email. Go here to sign up to get breaking news alerts in your inbox.
Washington
Governor Moore Continues “Delivering for Maryland” Tour in Washington County, Highlighting Transportation Infrastructure, Economic Development, and Early Childhood Education
Updated:
ANNAPOLIS, MD — Governor Wes Moore today continued his statewide “Delivering for Maryland” tour with a series of engagements in Washington County, highlighting vital investments in local transportation infrastructure, manufacturing job growth, and early childhood education. The governor emphasized state contributions to modernize the Hagerstown Regional Airport, toured the state-of-the-art Hitachi Rail facility, and celebrated the opening of a new child care center in the South End of Hagerstown funded by the administration’s historic ENOUGH Initiative.
“From investing $1.5 million to update Hagerstown Regional Airport’s aging control tower to supporting 1,300 jobs at Hitachi Rail, the Moore-Miller administration is delivering for Hagerstown, Washington County, and Western Maryland,” said Gov. Moore. “Through our administration’s ENOUGH Initiative partnerships and investments, we’ve tripled child care capacity in the South End of Hagerstown — because no parents should be forced to pick between staying in the workforce or securing quality care for their kids.”
The governor began the day at the Hagerstown Regional Airport, touring the Air Traffic Control Tower and airport grounds. During the visit, Governor Moore highlighted the State’s $1.5 million Fiscal Year 2027 investment to complete the design for a critical replacement of the airport’s aging air traffic control facility. As a primary airport in the Maryland Aviation System Plan, the Hagerstown Regional Airport is a vital economic engine for Washington County, supporting more than 1,800 jobs and generating over $140 million in local business revenue.
Following the airport tour, Governor Moore visited the Hitachi Rail STS facility alongside Congresswoman April McClain Delaney, Senator Mike McKay, Senator Paul Corderman and state transportation leaders. The governor toured the factory floor and rode a test train to observe the manufacturing process. Opened in September 2025 with the support of a $1.6 million state conditional loan, the 307,000-square-foot, carbon-neutral facility is a $100 million capital investment by Hitachi. The factory supports 1,300 jobs — including 460 newly created jobs — and is actively manufacturing railcars for both the Maryland Transit Administration and the Washington Metropolitan Area Transit Authority.
“Hitachi Rail has built a cutting-edge model for advanced manufacturing here in Western Maryland which is focused on delivering clean, safe, efficient regional transportation across our state and the rest of the country,” said Congresswoman April McClain Delaney. “This facility is powered by Maryland’s second-to-none workforce and world-class innovation environment. I’m proud to work with Governor Moore and our public, private, and philanthropic partners to drive global investment that supports jobs and economic growth along our I-270 Tech Corridor.”
Governor Moore concluded the day at the Children’s Learning and Empowerment Center in the South End of Hagerstown, where he met with parents, children, and community leaders. During the visit, the Governor highlighted the administration’s ENOUGH Initiative, which provided critical support for the center’s opening. The new facility is a major win for the community, tripling local childcare capacity with 24 new slots and generating six new early childhood education jobs.
The Children’s Learning and Empowerment Center’s opening was accelerated by a $100,000 investment from San Mar Family & Community Services, the ENOUGH grantee in Hagerstown. ENOUGH grant funding was also supplemented by a $100,000 philanthropic contribution from the Bainum Family Foundation — a member of the ENOUGH Alliance — to complete necessary facility upgrades. The center’s completion underscores the strength of the ENOUGH Initiative’s public-private partnerships to deliver on community priorities and work towards ending child poverty.
Governor Moore’s visit to Washington County follows the third stop of his “Delivering for Maryland” tour in Montgomery County, where he marked a historic milestone by installing the final segment of rail for the Purple Line. This installation completes the 16.2-mile light rail corridor connecting Bethesda and New Carrollton, with passenger service expected to begin in late 2027. The governor also visited Max’s Best Ice Cream in Bethesda, a local business dedicated to creating meaningful employment opportunities for individuals with intellectual and developmental disabilities through the Best Buddies Jobs program.
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