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Advice | Carolyn Hax: Mom worries about daughter’s family plans with polyamorous couple

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Advice | Carolyn Hax: Mom worries about daughter’s family plans with polyamorous couple


Dear Carolyn: For the last three years, my adult daughter has been in a polyamorous relationship with a married couple. They live in another state, and I’ve met the couple only twice. I like the wife more than the husband. She’s similar to my daughter. Both women hold well-paying jobs with potential for advancement. The husband puts in his 40 hours at a mediocre job, then plays video games while his wife and my daughter take care of the house.

But here’s where things have gotten really difficult for me. The couple recently decided to have a baby. My daughter announced this by telling me out of the blue, “You could be a grandmother soon.” I hate to be shallow, but any baby this couple has will not feel like my grandchild.

After I processed the information for a few days, my daughter and I had a long talk. I expressed my feelings, that the baby would have two sets of doting biological grandparents and I would just be some woman they saw every once in a while. I also asked my daughter if she was ready for the many changes a baby would make to their lives.

My daughter said she understood. Well, suddenly, she tells me she will adopt the baby as a “third parent.” (The wife is not yet pregnant.) I asked her if she fully understood all that adoption entailed. If she and the couple ever broke up, she would still be the child’s legal parent. I asked her why she felt the need to adopt the child and advised her to see an attorney before making any decision.

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I’m worried she’s planning to adopt because of my remark about not feeling a grandmotherly connection. Also, could they be using my daughter as a cash cow to finance their dream? I’m confused and losing sleep. Do I keep my mouth shut or give my honest opinion when asked? I love my daughter dearly and would hate to drive a wedge between us.

Struggling Mom: I have a bunch of opinions right now, and I doubt “wouldn’t feel like a real grandmother” would be foremost among them if I were in your position. Though none of us knows how we will feel until we get to a situation ourselves.

This I do know: Your daughter’s domestic arrangements are not for you (or me) to fix for her, and your feelings are not for your daughter to fix for you.

Some part of your daughter’s life will always confuse you — that’s in a kid’s job description. But you can go a long way toward easing your mind if you keep those basic lines clear. Her home life is hers, and your feelings are yours.

Your responses so far to her news have blurred these lines. (In a food-processor kind of way.) Unless she asked your opinion, your warnings and concerns were incursions into her business. Well-meaning, for sure, but incursions nonetheless. A would-be grandmother is no more entitled to weigh in on an adult’s family planning than anyone else.

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Plus, um, the thing you carefully composed as, “Are you sure you’re ready for the big life changes?” always comes out as, “You shouldn’t have a baby!” Always. Ask anyone who has been on the receiving end.

Your daughter is still communicating with you after this, so that’s good. You two are strong, I’m guessing.

Meanwhile, it is not her job to make life choices that help her parent feel better. Adults get to have or not have children as they are able to and see fit to. If you want to feel like a grandmother, then make the best of the opportunities — the grandchildren — you’re given. What else can I say? What else can you do?

I don’t mean to sound unfeeling. As I said at the outset, I have plenty of thoughts of my own here; they’re simply not relevant to the math of the situation. Which is:

· Your daughter will do what your daughter will do.

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· You do not have a meaningful say in what that is.

· Your choice is to embrace your daughter, as is, misgivings and all, and any baby if there ever is one, or to distance yourself.

· If this choice comes with feelings you feel unable to manage or contain, then don’t expect your daughter to help you with that. Seek help from outside your shared family circle.

· If she asks your advice on X, ask how she feels about X and proceed from there.

· And if you already feel more distant from your daughter than you would like, then now beats later as the time to try to remedy that.

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You were right to make one point, even if she already knew it: lawyer. Laws and families are evolving. Plus, the wise leave neither their hearts nor their children’s custody to chance.

Last thing, for you: If you ever think there’s no place for you amid younger generations because they’ve changed too much, then the mistake is yours. Adapt, or don’t; not one digit of that math has changed.



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Live updates: Biden, Trump debate tonight in first face-to-face since 2020

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Live updates: Biden, Trump debate tonight in first face-to-face since 2020


What to Know

  • President Joe Biden and former President Donald Trump will debate Thursday night in their first in-person face-off since the 2020 presidential election.
  • The 90-minute debate will be hosted by CNN in Atlanta, with unusual rules agreed to by both campaigns, including muted mics when it is not their turn to speak.
  • A livestream of the presidential debate, hosted by CNN, will begin here at 8 p.m. ET/5 p.m. PT with pre-debate coverage. The debate itself begins at 9 p.m. ET.

President Joe Biden and former President Donald Trump will face off in their first in-person match-up of the 2024 general presidential election Thursday at 9 p.m. ET/6 p.m. PT in Atlanta in a debate hosted by CNN.

The debate is the first time the repeat opponents have squared off in person since the 2020 presidential election, and is happening earlier in the campaign cycle than is typical, before either have even accepted their party’s formal nomination.



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Supreme Court allows for emergency abortions in Idaho – Washington Examiner

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Supreme Court allows for emergency abortions in Idaho – Washington Examiner


The Supreme Court decided Thursday to allow emergency rooms in Idaho to carry out abortion procedures despite the state’s ban.

The decision in Moyle v. United States comes just one day after the opinion in the case was inadvertently posted and marks a blow to the six states that have enacted near-total abortion bans with narrow exceptions for life-threatening circumstances for the mother.

In a 6-3 decision, the justices decided to stay the lower court’s order striking down the Idaho statute, dismissing the state’s petition for redress.

“Federal law and Idaho law are in conflict about the treatment of pregnant women facing health emergencies,” Justice Elena Kagan wrote in her concurrence with the dismissal of the case.

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While the justices did not reach the merits of the case, their decision marks a temporary victory for the Biden administration, which has championed access to abortion since the high court overturned Roe v. Wade two years ago. It also comes on the heels of the Supreme Court providing abortion access advocates an effective win by rejecting a separate challenge to federal rules that allow patients to obtain the abortion pill by mail.

“The Court’s order today means women in Idaho should once again have access to the emergency care that they need while the case proceeds in the lower courts,” Secretary of Health and Human Services Xavier Becerra said in a press statement. “However, it does not change the fact that reproductive freedom is under attack.”

Becerra also said HHS will be simplifying the process of filing civil rights complaints for patients denied procedures under the Emergency Medical Treatment and Active Labor Act.

The Biden administration sued Idaho shortly after the Supreme Court overturned federal protections for abortion in June 2022 in the Dobbs v. Jackson Women’s Health Organization case.

The Biden Department of Health and Human Services officials have argued that abortion procedures in certain extreme circumstances constitute medically stabilizing treatment under EMTALA. The agency has argued that Idaho law prevents doctors from providing such necessary care.

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EMTALA was enacted in 1986 following several prominent cases of pregnant women being denied emergency care and delivery due to lack of health insurance. The law requires healthcare providers to facilitate necessary emergency care to a woman and her child in utero.

The administration contended during oral arguments in April that Idaho’s abortion restrictions violated EMTALA because it only permits an abortion in a medical emergency if it poses a threat to the mother’s life.

Solicitor General Elizabeth Prelogar, on behalf of HHS, argued that certain medical emergencies may develop into life-threatening conditions if left untreated, but the law is unclear as to when the physician is legally allowed to induce an abortion in that case.

One condition discussed extensively during oral arguments was premature rupture of membranes, which occurs when the amniotic sac ruptures before labor begins. If left untreated, PROM can cause significant damage to a woman’s reproductive system and may develop into sepsis, a critical emergency.

“EMTALA unambiguously requires that a Medicare-funded hospital provide whatever medical treatment is necessary to stabilize a health emergency–and an abortion in rare situations is such a treatment,” Kagan wrote, agreeing with the Biden administration’s interpretation of the law.

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Josh Turner, Idaho’s chief of constitutional litigation, said during oral arguments that no part of the state’s statute required that the medical condition either immediately or certainly threaten the mother for an abortion to be provided. Rather, according to Turner, the law intended that medical professionals could use their “good faith medical judgment” for when to perform an abortion procedure.

Justice Sonia Sotomayor, along with Kagan, pushed back against Turner’s argument in April, saying the law is too ambiguous in severe cases.

“Idaho law says the doctor has to determine not that there’s really a serious medical condition but that the person will die,” Sotomayor said during arguments in April. “That’s a huge difference.”

Justices Amy Coney Barrett, Brett Kavanaugh, and Chief Justice John Roberts voted in favor of dismissing the case, in large part because both sides narrowed their initial positions during oral arguments.

While Idaho acknowledged that its law allows for abortions during extreme emergencies, even if to preserve the health of the mother rather than solely to prevent her death, the Biden administration also conceded that the mental health of the mother does not constitute a condition that requires an abortion under emergency circumstances.

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“The dramatic narrowing of the dispute … has undercut the conclusion that Idaho would suffer irreparable harm under the preliminary injunction,” Barrett wrote. “Even with the preliminary injunction in place, Idaho’s ability to enforce its law remains almost entirely intact.”

Critics of the Biden administration’s argument highlight that EMTALA explicitly references the “unborn child” as a patient worthy of medical care four times, implying that an abortion-rights access piece of legislation would not have acknowledged a fetus with personhood status.

Prelogar argued before the court that Congress used the phrase “unborn child” in the legislation “to expand the protection for pregnant women so that they could get the same duties to screen and stabilize when they have a condition that’s threatening the health and wellbeing of the unborn child,” but that it “did nothing to displace the woman herself as an individual with an emergency medical condition.”

The Alliance Defending Freedom, a group involved in the efforts to overturn Roe v. Wade two years ago, backed Idaho and state Attorney General Raul Labrador’s efforts to fight the Biden administration’s suit.

Kristen Waggoner, ADF’s CEO and general counsel, argued in a statement that the “Biden administration lacks the authority to override Idaho’s law and force emergency room doctors to perform abortions.”

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“I remain committed to protect unborn life and ensure women in Idaho receive necessary medical care, and I will continue my outreach to doctors and hospitals across Idaho to ensure that they understand what our law requires,” Labrador said. “We look forward to ending this administration’s relentless overreach into Idahoans’ right to protect and defend life.”

Idaho is not the only state facing friction between the Biden administration and EMTALA guidance.

Texas has a separate but similar legal fight against the Biden administration surrounding EMTALA, which began after the Democratic administration issued guidance to hospitals, reminding them that if a doctor believes an abortion is necessary to save a patient’s life, “the physician must provide the treatment.”

The Idaho abortion ban has remained in effect while the Supreme Court deliberated on its decision, and the Biden administration’s guidance saying EMTALA preempts state abortion bans is suspended.

Kavanaugh, who was part of the majority in Dobbs, stressed in his 2022 concurrence that the high court would no longer meddle in the contentious abortion debate.

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“Instead, those difficult moral and policy questions will be decided, as the Constitution dictates, by the people and their elected representatives through the constitutional processes of democratic self-government,” Kavanaugh wrote.

Justices Samuel Alito, Clarence Thomas, and Neil Gorsuch, who dissented from the decision not to rule on the case’s merits, chided their colleagues for dodging the central matter.

“Apparently, the Court has simply lost the will to decide the easy but emotional and highly politicized question that the case presents,” Alito wrote in his dissent. “That is regrettable.”

CLICK HERE TO READ MORE FROM THE WASHINGTON EXAMINER

Abortion rights advocates also rebuked the court for not taking a firmer stance on the merits of the case.

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“It is now clear that the Supreme Court had the opportunity to hold once and for all that every pregnant person in this country is entitled to the emergency care they need to protect their health and lives, and it failed to do so,” said Alexa Kolbi-Molinas, deputy director of the ACLU Reproductive Freedom Project.



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Grizzly bears will be reintroduced to Washington state after years of debate

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Grizzly bears will be reintroduced to Washington state after years of debate


Grizzly bears are returning to the North Cascades in Washington State, which has not had a grizzly sighting since 1996. The decision to repopulate the state’s mountainous region came after intense debate. Some viewed it as a positive conservation effort, while others worried about the potential harm towards humans and livestock. 

Growing the grizzlies

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