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Advice | Ask Amy: Reader provides update on abusive relationship

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Advice | Ask Amy: Reader provides update on abusive relationship


Dear Readers: Periodically, I ask for “Updates” regarding questions which have been published in this space. I am naturally curious about how things might have turned out for people who have received my advice. This column is devoted to a Q&A that was originally published in 2021. You can read the original question, followed by my answer. The update follows that.

Dear Amy: My boyfriend of almost three years is very childish. If I do something he does not like, he will try to get me back or even the score in some way. For instance, I do not want to do a particular act in the bedroom. It makes me super-uncomfortable. No matter how many times I explain this, he says it’s his favorite thing and if I don’t do it, then it’s a dealbreaker. So sometimes I suffer through it, but other times I flat-out refuse.

Well, the other day, I refused. Now he won’t kiss me. He says that since I won’t do that for him, kissing is off the table until I do it. How is that fair? How can we navigate through this without calling it quits? I want to make him happy, but I also don’t want to do what he’s asking me to do. Your advice would be greatly appreciated!

— Underperforming in Rhode Island

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Underperforming: I wouldn’t describe your boyfriend’s behavior as “childish,” so much as “deeply troubling,” “manipulative,” and “abusive.” Those are only some words that come to mind. (There are other words, of course, but — they aren’t publishable.)

Couples definitely bargain and negotiate with one another over all sorts of things, including “acts in the bedroom.” This is not a negotiation. This is … game over. He is coercing, manipulating, and — I assume — cornering you into doing something you have stated many times that you don’t want to do. Then, when he is not able to force you to do his “favorite thing,” he punishes you. This is pretty much the definition of domestic abuse.

Now he is withholding affection. Later, he might punish you in other ways and for other reasons, if you don’t “make him happy.” This is not love. This is control. Regular readers know that I rarely say this, but — get out. I’ll come and get you, myself.

The National Sexual Assault Hotline is available 24/7. Their impressive website (RAINN.org) offers a wonderful “chat” function, available all-hours. You could “gut check” my reaction by calling or chatting online with a counselor: 800-656-HOPE (4673).

Dear Amy: I’m happy to provide this update. I was really surprised to read your response and I was even more taken aback when I realized that everything you said was true. I stayed with my now ex-boyfriend until we were a little over three years into our relationship. Sadly, nothing changed. Our relationship actually got worse. The last straw for me was when he flat-out started verbally abusing me, calling me names and yelling at me — in front of my daughter. I broke it off right then and there.

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It took five months for him to move out, begging me to give him another chance. He never changed his behavior during that time and was still withholding affection whenever he felt like I needed to be punished. He tried to “propose” (with no ring), and even cried about our breakup, but when I said no to getting back together, he laughed in my face because he said he’d been lying when he said he was sorry. Thankfully, after he moved out (which was well over a year ago), I have not heard from him since!

I just want to thank you immensely for helping me to see things clearly! I am finally FREEEEE!!

— No Longer Underperforming

No Longer: Your “update” is a gift! I’m so glad I didn’t have to come get you — that drive to Rhode Island is a long one.

Dear Amy: I was quite disgusted by your sarcastic tone in your response to “Frustrated in Texas,” when you wrote: “ It’s a shame that caring for your dogs and horses is preventing you from caring for an elderly human.” Humans have choices. Animals don’t. They are helpless. You owe this person an apology.

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Upset: Many readers called me out for that line. I maintained that “Frustrated” was using her responsibilities to her animals as a reason not to assist her elderly mother-in-law, who was also helpless. Regardless, I do apologize for the sarcastic tone.

© 2024 by Amy Dickinson. Distributed by Tribune Content Agency.



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Bellevue vs. Renton: Watch Washington boys high school basketball tilt live tonight

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Bellevue vs. Renton: Watch Washington boys high school basketball tilt live tonight


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Bellevue travels to Renton High School on Friday night for a nonleague matchup that pits two surging programs coming in on win streaks. The Wolverines (12-2) enter riding momentum from last season’s state quarterfinal appearance, while the Red Hawks (7-8) look to build consistency under head coach Rashaad Powell.

Head coach Warren King returns a deep senior class led by Jackson Skaggs, Max Harrity, Eduardo Molina, Kenny Shin, Trevin King and Nick Norrah. The Wolverines also feature junior Tayten Jones, giving them a balanced roster capable of competing with any team in the state.

The Red Hawks counter with their own weapons. Senior Isaac Elegan anchors the lineup, while junior scorer Sudan Luok provides offensive firepower. Junior co-captains Julius White-Kelly, Nick Jarvis and Jalen Taylor round out a core that has shown flashes this season.

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Opening tipoff is set for 8 p.m. PT on Friday, January 16 with a live TV broadcast on NFHS Network.

• WATCH: Bellevue vs. Renton basketball is livestreaming on NFHS Network

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How to watch Bellevue vs. Renton basketball livestream

What: Wolverines, Red Hawks set for Friday night Showdown in Renton

When: Tipoff is set for 8 p.m. PT on Friday, January 16

Where: Renton High School | Renton, Washington

Watch live: Watch Bellevue vs. Renton live on the NFHS Network



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National Guard troops to stay on Washington, DC, streets through 2026

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National Guard troops to stay on Washington, DC, streets through 2026


WASHINGTON (AP) — National Guard troops will be on the streets of Washington, D.C., until the end of the year, according to a memo reviewed by The Associated Press.

The memo, signed by Army Secretary Dan Driscoll and dated Wednesday, said “the conditions of the mission” warranted an extension past the end of next month to continue supporting President Donald Trump’s “ongoing efforts to restore law and order.”

Meanwhile, Trump said this month that for now he was dropping his push to deploy National Guard troops in Chicago, Los Angeles and Portland, Oregon, which had provoked legal challenges. He also backed off a bit Friday from his threat a day earlier to invoke the Insurrection Act to deploy troops to quell protests in Minnesota.

In Washington, troops have been charged with patrolling the streets and picking up trash. Trump has asserted repeatedly that crime has vanished in the city.

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Two National Guard troops from West Virginia that were part of the mission in D.C. were shot the day before Thanksgiving. Specialist Sarah Beckstrom, 20, died from her injuries.

The National Guard has about 2,400 troops in Washington, with about 700 from D.C. and the rest from 11 states with Republican governors, including Indiana, South Carolina, Alabama and Oklahoma.



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Skeletal remains that washed up on Washington beach identified as Oregon mayor who vanished 20 years ago

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Skeletal remains that washed up on Washington beach identified as Oregon mayor who vanished 20 years ago


Skeletal remains that washed up on a Washington beach have been identified as those of a former Oregon mayor who vanished in 2006, ending a 20-year mystery with the help of genetic genealogy.

Edwin Asher, who previously was mayor of Fossil, Oregon, disappeared while he was crabbing in Tillamook Bay, on the northwest coast of Oregon, on Sept. 5, 2006, the Grays Harbor County coroner and Othram, a forensic genetic genealogy lab, said in news releases this week.

He was presumed to have drowned and was legally declared dead that same year, officials said.

In November 2006, skeletal remains washed ashore in Taholah, an unincorporated village on the Quinault Indian Reservation in Grays Harbor County, Washington, the coroner’s office said.

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Taholah is about 124 miles north of Tillamook Bay.

The local sheriff’s and coroner’s offices responded and collected evidence.

It was determined the remains were those of a man estimated to 20 to 60 years old or older, 5 feet, 9 inches tall and an estimated 170 to 180 pounds.

However, the man was never identified, and he became known as the “Grays Harbor County John Doe (2006).”

Last year, the Grays Harbor Coroner’s Office and the King County medical examiner submitted forensic evidence to Othram to try to identify John Doe.

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Scientists used genome sequencing to build a DNA profile for the man and genetic genealogy search to develop “new investigative leads.”

Investigators were led to potential relatives of the man, and reference DNA samples were collected from a relative and compared with those of John Doe.

Finally, it led to a positive identification: Grays Harbor John Doe was Clarence Edwin “Ed” Asher, born April 2, 1934.

He was 72 when he died.

Asher was born in Salem and raised in Astoria, and in 1952 he moved to Fossil, where he was a lineman technician for the Fossil Telephone Co. until he retired in 1995, according to his obituary. He also opened his own shop, Asher’s Variety Store, in 1965.

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He loved antique cars, fishing and boating, the obituary said.

He had served as mayor and also volunteered as a local fireman and ambulance driver.

He was survived by his wife of over 20 years, children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren. NBC News has reached out to the city of Fossil for comment.

Forensic genetic genealogy has grown in popularity in recent years and has helped solve decades-old cold cases.



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