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Advice | Ask Amy: Reader provides update on abusive relationship

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Advice | Ask Amy: Reader provides update on abusive relationship


Dear Readers: Periodically, I ask for “Updates” regarding questions which have been published in this space. I am naturally curious about how things might have turned out for people who have received my advice. This column is devoted to a Q&A that was originally published in 2021. You can read the original question, followed by my answer. The update follows that.

Dear Amy: My boyfriend of almost three years is very childish. If I do something he does not like, he will try to get me back or even the score in some way. For instance, I do not want to do a particular act in the bedroom. It makes me super-uncomfortable. No matter how many times I explain this, he says it’s his favorite thing and if I don’t do it, then it’s a dealbreaker. So sometimes I suffer through it, but other times I flat-out refuse.

Well, the other day, I refused. Now he won’t kiss me. He says that since I won’t do that for him, kissing is off the table until I do it. How is that fair? How can we navigate through this without calling it quits? I want to make him happy, but I also don’t want to do what he’s asking me to do. Your advice would be greatly appreciated!

— Underperforming in Rhode Island

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Underperforming: I wouldn’t describe your boyfriend’s behavior as “childish,” so much as “deeply troubling,” “manipulative,” and “abusive.” Those are only some words that come to mind. (There are other words, of course, but — they aren’t publishable.)

Couples definitely bargain and negotiate with one another over all sorts of things, including “acts in the bedroom.” This is not a negotiation. This is … game over. He is coercing, manipulating, and — I assume — cornering you into doing something you have stated many times that you don’t want to do. Then, when he is not able to force you to do his “favorite thing,” he punishes you. This is pretty much the definition of domestic abuse.

Now he is withholding affection. Later, he might punish you in other ways and for other reasons, if you don’t “make him happy.” This is not love. This is control. Regular readers know that I rarely say this, but — get out. I’ll come and get you, myself.

The National Sexual Assault Hotline is available 24/7. Their impressive website (RAINN.org) offers a wonderful “chat” function, available all-hours. You could “gut check” my reaction by calling or chatting online with a counselor: 800-656-HOPE (4673).

Dear Amy: I’m happy to provide this update. I was really surprised to read your response and I was even more taken aback when I realized that everything you said was true. I stayed with my now ex-boyfriend until we were a little over three years into our relationship. Sadly, nothing changed. Our relationship actually got worse. The last straw for me was when he flat-out started verbally abusing me, calling me names and yelling at me — in front of my daughter. I broke it off right then and there.

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It took five months for him to move out, begging me to give him another chance. He never changed his behavior during that time and was still withholding affection whenever he felt like I needed to be punished. He tried to “propose” (with no ring), and even cried about our breakup, but when I said no to getting back together, he laughed in my face because he said he’d been lying when he said he was sorry. Thankfully, after he moved out (which was well over a year ago), I have not heard from him since!

I just want to thank you immensely for helping me to see things clearly! I am finally FREEEEE!!

— No Longer Underperforming

No Longer: Your “update” is a gift! I’m so glad I didn’t have to come get you — that drive to Rhode Island is a long one.

Dear Amy: I was quite disgusted by your sarcastic tone in your response to “Frustrated in Texas,” when you wrote: “ It’s a shame that caring for your dogs and horses is preventing you from caring for an elderly human.” Humans have choices. Animals don’t. They are helpless. You owe this person an apology.

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Upset: Many readers called me out for that line. I maintained that “Frustrated” was using her responsibilities to her animals as a reason not to assist her elderly mother-in-law, who was also helpless. Regardless, I do apologize for the sarcastic tone.

© 2024 by Amy Dickinson. Distributed by Tribune Content Agency.



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Washington State University Vancouver faculty, staff anxiously await details of 15% budget cuts

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Washington State University Vancouver faculty, staff anxiously await details of 15% budget cuts


Washington State University Vancouver faculty, staff anxiously await details of 15% budget cuts – OPB

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Harold Washington fought for voting rights. Here we go again

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Harold Washington fought for voting rights. Here we go again


My grandmother met Harold Washington once. I was young when she told me the story, so I don’t remember every detail. What I remember is what she kept: a mug he gave her, which she held onto until the day she died.

I grew up on South Shore Drive, sold the Sun-Times for a quarter at a paper stand at 75th and Stony Island, right in front of the KFC, and graduated from Hyde Park Academy. I did not know then that I would spend my career studying the civil rights terrain Washington had walked. But I understood, even as a child, what it meant that he was there.

I am thinking about him now.

Harold Washington served barely two terms in Congress before becoming Chicago’s first Black mayor in 1983. In that brief time on Capitol Hill, he did something that does not get remembered often enough. From the House Judiciary Committee in 1982, he helped lead the extension of key sections of the 1965 Voting Rights Act, including protections requiring jurisdictions with documented histories of racial discrimination to obtain federal approval before changing their voting rules.

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The Congressional Black Caucus chose Washington to manage that bill on the House floor, where he spent seven weeks in hearings fighting to keep the enforcement mechanisms that protected Black voters from states that would prefer to be rid of them.

He won that fight.

Now, more than four decades later, we are fighting it again.

I am recalling Mayor Washington because of the efforts by President Donald Trump and many Republicans to pass the SAVE America Act, a proposed federal election law that would make it much tougher for many citizens to vote and is currently stalled in the U.S. Senate.

States curtail voting rights

Republican governors in Florida, Mississippi, Utah and South Dakota have already signed bills requiring documentary proof of citizenship for voter registration or citizenship checks, with similar legislation passed in Tennessee. Five states, Arizona, New Hampshire, South Dakota, Utah and Wyoming, will have show-your-papers requirements in place for the 2026 midterms.

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In New Hampshire, the law has already produced its intended effect: In 2025 town elections, married women who did not have their marriage license on hand could not register, with at least one woman required to come back three times.

The infrastructure of exclusion does not require a federal law to take effect. It requires the threat of one, and the states that were waiting have already moved.

Washington would have recognized this immediately. The Voting Rights Act extension he managed in 1982 was not a symbolic gesture. It was a structural intervention, closing the door on states that wanted to escape accountability for their documented histories of discrimination.

The SAVE Act opens that door again, not with a return to literacy tests or poll taxes as such, but with a documentary requirement that functions identically: neutral on its face, devastating in its application and concentrated in its harm on the communities Washington spent his life trying to bring into the democratic process.

Washington’s 1983 mayoral campaign brought together Black voters on the South and West sides, Latino voters long excluded from the machine’s benefits and progressive white voters who believed Chicago could be something other than what it had always been.

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His campaign was powered by a voter registration drive that added nearly 100,000 new voters to the rolls before the primary. He understood, instinctively and strategically, that expanding access to the ballot was not a prelude to political power. It was political power.

The SAVE Act would dismantle the registration infrastructure Black and Brown turnout campaigns depend on. Only 6% of voters register in person at an elections office. Washington’s coalition was built on the other 94%.

What Washington’s record demands of us

Washington deserves a reckoning, not a commemoration. He knew that formal equality was not enough, that the machinery of democratic participation had to be actively maintained against those who would narrow the circle.

His mug sat on my grandmother’s shelf for decades. She was not a politician. She was a Black woman on the South Side of Chicago who met a man running for mayor and felt, maybe for the first time, that he was talking to her. He gave her a mug. She kept it her whole life.

That is what is at stake. Not abstractions. People. The kind of people who keep a mug for decades because a politician made them feel like they mattered.

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Harold Washington fought this battle once, from the Judiciary Committee floor, in seven weeks of hearings most people have forgotten. We are fighting it again, this time against a bill that would quietly push millions back out of the process, with six states already implementing versions of it before Congress even acts. The least we can do is remember who showed us how.

Donathan L. Brown, Ph.D., is an associate professor at Northeastern University, a former U.S. Fulbright professor, and the author of five books on civil rights and voting rights. A native of the South Side, he graduated from Hyde Park Academy.



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Upriver Fire Near Spokane Triggers Evacuations For 12,000 Residents Amid Critical Fire Conditions

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Upriver Fire Near Spokane Triggers Evacuations For 12,000 Residents Amid Critical Fire Conditions


Washington state is currently experiencing an early-season flare-up of wildfire activity, particularly in the southeastern and central parts of the state, as well as the Upriver Fire, a fast-moving incident East of Spokane.

A combination of an ongoing statewide drought emergency and critical fire weather—including a strong, dry cold front with high wind gusts—has caused several fires to grow rapidly over the last few days.

The most significant other current active blazes include:

Omak Lake Road Fire: Things are moving fast up there right now. As of this afternoon (Wednesday, June 17), the Omak Lake Road Fire has officially merged with the nearby Kartar Fire, creating a massive blaze that has already burned roughly 6,500 acres on Colville Reservation land.
Tule Fire (Yakima Region): Ignited on June 14 south of Toppenish, this is currently the largest wildfire in the state, having ballooned to approximately 20,665 acres with 0% containment. It is burning primarily in dry grass and brush and has been producing a massive smoke plume that is impacting air quality throughout the Columbia River Gorge.
Juniper Dunes Fire (Franklin County): This fire has burned over 10,577 acres and is 10% contained. It has pushed into the challenging, roadless terrain of the Juniper Dunes Wilderness area, making ground access difficult for crews.
A Red Flag Warning remains in effect across much of Eastern Washington due to sustained high winds and low relative humidity, meaning any ongoing fires face an extreme risk of rapid spread, and new starts can ignite easily.

Is smoke from around the state forecasted to arrive in NCW?

Right now, North Central Washington is in the clear. The active wildfire smoke is staying well away from the Wenatchee Valley and surrounding areas, and local air quality remains firmly in the “Good” category.
The main reason for this breaks down to wind direction and fire locations:
Westerly Winds are Our Friend: Strong winds blowing from the west across the Cascades are actively dispersing air over NCW and pushing regional smoke eastward.

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Where the Smoke is Heading Instead:

South: Earlier this week, massive plumes from the Tule Fire down in Yakima drifted west/southwest into the Columbia River Gorge and Portland-Vancouver metro.
East: With the current wind shift, smoke from the large fires in the Columbia Basin (like Tule and Juniper Dunes) is now being carried east toward the Tri-Cities, Walla Walla, and the Palouse.
North/Northeast: Up north, the Kartar and Omak Lake fires east of Omak are causing localized downwind smoke impacts, but the smoke is drifting east toward Nespelem and the Coulee Dam rather than dropping south into Chelan or Douglas counties.
Because these breezy, dry conditions are expected to persist through the rest of the week, weather and air quality officials note that intermittent smoke impacts will mostly be a concern for communities situated directly downwind (east) of the active blazes.

Wildfire smoke (on file via Canva)
Wildfire smoke (on file via Canva)

Where can I look online to see where wildfire smoke is coming from?

A few years ago, I discovered a Canadian website that not only shows you where wildfire smoke is coming from, but also how the smoke forecast will affect you in the coming days. It comes from the BC Wildfire Service.
Click on this helpful wildfire smoke map and bookmark it.
A couple of things to know about this BC Wildfire Service website.
1) When you first find the smoke map, select the Smoke Forecast button.

The map will come to life, showing where current wind conditions are directing wildfire smoke and where it is forecast to travel in the coming days.
2) Since it’s a service of the BC Wildfire Service, it doesn’t provide any information on fires here in the US, but it does show where smoke is forecast to come from any wildfires north and south of the border.

Where can I find updated information about wildfires in Washington?

The Watch Duty app for any device.
The Washington DNR fire dashboard is active throughout the fire season and shows up-to-date information on wildfires affecting Washington state.
View a full-screen version of the DNR fire dashboard with this link.

Oregon Coast Getaway Photos

Oregon Coast Getaway Photos

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Gallery Credit: KEVIN MILLER

LOOK: These Photos Show Why ’70s Cars Were Something Special (and Obviously Better)

Big, bold, and built different — these ’70s cars looked and felt like nothing on the road today. Take a ride back and see them in their prime. [And we did our best to identify the models and dates, so if we got it wrong, gearheads, don’t come after us!]

Gallery Credit: Stephen Lenz

 





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