If he have been in a division with George Santos and the man who’s been stealing monkeys from the Dallas Zoo, Dick Monfort could be crushing the winter like an previous soda can.

Alas, the Rockies are nonetheless strapped to the Nationwide League West, and Monfort appears intent on dragging the very best fan base in Main League Baseball over the waterfall with him, driving shotgun on the descent to insanity.

Whereas the Broncos landed Sean Payton, the very best free-agent NFL coach in the marketplace and Deion Sanders is popping the clock on CU soccer again to 1994, Monfort, the Rockies’ proprietor/chairman/CEO/cheerleader, has had one foot in a bucket. And the opposite between his lips.

He floated “.500 ball” as aspirational for 2023. He chided the San Diego Padres for spending an excessive amount of. He castigated the Kansas Metropolis Royals for spending too little.

He insisted tanking was for losers, even when mentioned tanking ultimately made winners of (checks notes) the Astros, Cubs, Padres, Phillies, Reds, White Sox and (checks notes once more) Orioles. All of whom have both reached the postseason or posted profitable information since 2019. The Rockies over the previous 4 seasons have managed to do (checks notes a 3rd time) … neither.

They wished a confirmed MLB starter. They nabbed younger righty Connor Seabold, solid apart by Boston after an 0-4 report and an 11.44 ERA in 5 2022 appearances. They wished a left-handed energy bat who might play heart. They acquired Nolan Jones from Cleveland, who slugged .372 in 28 video games final season, 22 of which have been spent patrolling proper subject.

In line with the Spotrac.com database, Monfort’s Rox have doled out $8.5 million on free-agent acquisitions this offseason, the third-lowest expenditure in baseball. Level of comparability: The Walton-Penner Group, new house owners of the Broncos, reportedly spent $400,000 to exchange the grass at Empower Area. For one sport. One. Stinking. Recreation.

Fast query, Rob Walton:

Might you discover room in your coronary heart to purchase the Rockies, too?

As a result of we all know you’ve acquired the area in your portfolio. Forbes.com tells us the Broncos’ new proprietor is value $59 billion. The Broncos put his group out $4.65 billion. The Rockies are chump change as compared: Forbes final March valued the membership at $1.385 billion, up 7% from the earlier spring.

Excluding the Russell Wilson contract extension, the Walton-Penner Group’s taken few steps incorrect on the subject of enhancing what REALLY issues — the on-field product. When coach Nathaniel Hackett lastly misplaced management of his locker room the way in which he’d misplaced management of the play clock, they minimize him free with two video games left on the schedule. When the tippy-top of the soccer pyramid wanted an improve, they zeroed in on the one interviewee who’d gained a Tremendous Bowl as a head coach earlier than.

Payton might’ve returned to a comfortable gig at FOX. He might’ve waited out extra firings subsequent winter. The Walton-Penner Group wouldn’t take “no” for a solution.

The Rockies want you, Rob. You, too. Carrie and Greg. If the Penners ran the present at twentieth and Blake, Brandon Nimmo or Corey Seager could be reporting to spring coaching subsequent week in purple pinstripes. Jose Urena could be a rotation luxurious as a substitute of a necessity. Kris Bryant would have safety in a lineup that sorely wants it. Colorado followers would see stars, and hope, in one in every of baseball’s nastiest divisions.

As an alternative, on this actuality, they’ll see .500 — however provided that they squint actually, actually, actually, actually, actually, actually arduous.

The Rockies hitting the playoffs is like hitting on a five-game parlay. If Bryant performs no less than 120 video games. If German Marquez and Kyle Freeland discover their mojo. If Brendan Rodgers has one other gear. If Ezequiel Tovar can hit the bottom operating.

On this actuality, Monfort’s actuality, the aim is to not spend sufficient to win, however spending sufficient to keep away from being shamed in Greeley. If the Rockies’ CEO misplaced 100 video games this season, he would possibly snap. He would possibly do one thing rash, like upgrading your complete analytics division to Netscape Navigator 9.

Baseball’s preseason magazines have hit your native grocery shops. In case you’re a Rox fan, they don’t make for inspirational studying. Until, after all, your thought of inspiration is what lemmings do after they attain the sting of a cliff.

Lindy’s magazine quotes nameless scouts on every crew, and since the takes are nameless, they pull no punches. Particularly with the Rox:

“They really want an out of doors individual to come back in and check out to sort things, however they hold counting on people who find themselves a part of the issue. I don’t assume there may be one other crew that wouldn’t have fired Bud Black … they appear to love their rotation – no less than they know them effectively. However there’s not a lot depth … when Kris Bryant acquired damage early, it took rather a lot out of their offense. They lacked momentum, in addition to somebody who might take strain off the remainder of the lineup. They nonetheless lack a catalyst …”

And so forth. The crew preview ended with somewhat infographic by which the journal charges the “organizational course.” The Rockies acquired a purple arrow, pointing down. Apropos.

So save us, Rob. Spare us, Carrie and Greg. There’s a baseball city in right here, someplace, buried beneath the false hope, the get together decks, the unabashedly insular and unapologetically bizarre, the loyalty and the stubbornness.

“At the very least we’re not the Royals,” isn’t a rallying cry. It’s an admission.