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Ask Amy: Gender transition highlights host’s rudeness

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Ask Amy: Gender transition highlights host’s rudeness


Dear Readers: The following Q&A first ran in 2020.

Dear Amy: A couple of years ago, an acquaintance of ours hosted a dinner party. I was only acquainted with half the people there. The hostess didn’t make introductions.

One person present was someone I had met a few times. (I’ll call her “Jane.”)

I knew that Jane had a partner, “Joan,” whom I had only met once years before.

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At the dinner, Jane was sitting next to a man.

At one point I stared across the table because I was trying to determine if this was Jane’s brother, or if Joan was transitioning to male.

I admit that I feel bad for staring, but I was trying to figure out if we had met.

We spoke briefly afterward, and they made no attempt to reintroduce themselves to me.

After they left, the hostess explained that Joan was now “John” and how they hate to have to explain themselves or their pronoun, which is “they.”

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I tried to joke: “I didn’t get the memo.” To which the hostess replied, “It wasn’t my memo to send.”

I think the hostess could have spared some social awkwardness with one quick sentence privately, like “Joan is John now, deal with it,” which would have been fine with me.

I am still angry with the hostess for leaving us floundering as to who was at the party. What do you think?

— Befuddled Guest

Dear Befuddled: Let us for a moment go back to nursery school. Have you ever noticed that when children don’t know other kids’ names, they don’t talk to them?

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Names: We have them for a reason.

Now let’s talk about this hostess. Who invites a bunch of previously unacquainted (or semi-acquainted) people to their home and then doesn’t introduce (or re-introduce) them to each other at the beginning of the evening? I mean, if you’re going to make a cassoulet, you can certainly make an introduction.

Now onto you. In the absence of hostess-courtesy, why didn’t you introduce yourself to people? “Hi, I’m Befuddled Guest. But please, you can call me Befuddled. Tell me your name?” If the person answers by saying, “We’ve met before” (I get this a lot), you can say — as I always do — “Oh, I’m so sorry, I’ve forgotten that. Remind me of your name?”

I agree that it is not the hostess’s job to deliver the memo about a guest’s gender transition in advance of the party. It IS the hostess’s job to introduce her guests to one another.

If you know someone’s name, you don’t have to ponder or puzzle over their gender. Granted, “John” is likely a male. “Courtney” might be a man or a woman. But gender identity doesn’t matter, because when you know someone’s name, you can just address them by their name, see them as fellow humans, and take it from there.

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Dear Amy: I wanted to respond to the recent letter from “Befuddled,” in which a husband laments the estrangement between his wife and her sister. Your advice was beautifully written.

As an RN of some 45 years, I have seen the awfulness of unresolved estrangements, which can be decades long.

I could recount way too many situations, during end-of-life discussions in which it was appropriate to discontinue life support.

But if a family member is estranged from a loved one, once the person dies, so too does any hope of reconciliation.

It is these very people who often struggle with what’s called “complex grief.”

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So many times, we nurses would hear stories that break your heart: Each person was longing for the other one to make that first phone call, and apologize.

Of course, many times no one could even recall what exactly was said so many years ago that led to such a fracture between loved ones.

Life is short. Regrets can tear us up.

— Nursing Some Hurts

Dear Nursing: Estrangement seems to be a particularly heartbreaking trend (at least in the questions sent to me). Your perspective is so valuable. Thank you for offering it. I hope your words inspire people to reconsider their relationships and seek ways to reconcile, if possible.

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Dear Amy: “Passively Helpful Guy” seems to think that if he offers to help people, he’ll be trapped in an endless loop of offering assistance.

I suggest he try it, just once.

Yes, we should all learn to ask for help — and also learn how to offer it.

— Faithful Reader

Dear Faithful: Exactly. Thank you.

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(You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.)

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Denver, CO

Hot dog staple Steve’s Snappin’ Dogs on Colfax Avenue in Denver shutting down

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Hot dog staple Steve’s Snappin’ Dogs on Colfax Avenue in Denver shutting down


A well-known Denver hot dog hangout is closing up on Colfax Avenue, leaving bittersweet memories for a generation of hot dog hounds. Steve’s Snappin’ Dogs will close its location near Colfax and Monroe Street on Oct. 19. It was an anchor in efforts to re-ignite Colfax in the mid-2000s.

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CBS


“I’ve had so many people coming in. I’ve had a couple people cry and I’m like ‘God, you’re going to make me feel real bad,’” said Steve Ballas, who owns the restaurant with his wife. Ballas survived Stage III kidney cancer and emerged a changed man seven years ago. He’s tired and now tangling with prostate cancer. But the main reason, says Ballas, is that his wife Linda has had a setback in her own cancer.

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“Her cancer’s back. She’s been in and out of the hospital for the past year.”

While Linda is home and doing well Steve reports, he wants to spend more time with her. 

The restaurant has been operating since 2006, when Ballas spotted potential in a long empty gas station. With help of city grants and a Small Business Administration loan, he was able to buy and fix up the place. It had been a place where people slept and went to the bathroom under the old canopy and took significant work to re-open. There wasn’t much going on along Colfax in the area at the time. Crime was a worry.

“It was scary because nobody was walking around and we used to make balloons for the kids and when they would pop people used to duck. They would duck, thinking there was somebody shooting at them,” he said.

But slowly things improved.

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“It’s not the police department that made it safe, it’s the traffic and the more and more businesses,” said Ballas, who was a police officer in Connecticut before moving to Colorado. 

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CBS Colorado’s Alan Gionet interviews Steve Ballas.

CBS


Now the menu takes up most of the wall over the counter. Workers dish out hot dogs that are a mixture of pork and beef in natural casings. The authenticity has drawn a cult following. The walls are also covered with photos of kids and families who have been in. It’s a place of memories for customers and for the owners.

“In the beginning, people thought I was a dog grooming place. Because my sign said Steve’s Snappin’ Dogs and they would call up saying, my dogs aren’t mean, will you be able to take care of my dogs?” said Ballas. “No here we eat dogs,” he said he would explain, only to get puzzled replies.

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Part of the draw was their association with longtime Denver TV staple Blinky the Clown. Blinky, aka Russell Scott was the father of Linda Ballas. There is a large picture on the wall.

“If you’re 40 years old, or older and you lived here. You grew up with Blinky. You went to school you watched him, you came home you watched him. He told you not to walk across the street. He told you to clean up your room,” said Steve Ballas.

“But the older you get, it gets harder and harder. And I’m tired. And I want to spend time with my wife.”

They have sold the restaurant to a couple who plan to open a barbeque place, where they will still sell Steve’s Snappin’ Dogs and signature beer. There will also still be a small Steve’s shop on Concourse B at Denver International Airport.

Ballas credited his staff and the customers for their success.

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“We’ve made a lot of people happy. I’m happy. What more is there to life?” said Ballas.



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Denver, CO

The Denver Broncos are on a new carnival ride

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The Denver Broncos are on a new carnival ride


After the Denver Broncos beat the Tampa Bay Buccaneers the mood in Broncos Country shifted. Losing the first two games hurt, but that win was the Robitussin the fans needed.

But just like the Tussin, the effects of the win in Tampa will wear off. Ian and I discussed this on Broncos Odds and Endzones. I’m not trying to rain on the positivity parade that has washed over MHR and the rest of the Broncos internet.

And I am certainly not trying to be like a certain Denver media member who can never find joy in anything thr Broncos do (points to the person who can figure it out in the comments). But I want to stay in reality.

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The reality is that the Broncos will be travelling, once again, to the East Coast to play an early game. This time, into a more hostile stadium and with a future Hall of Fame QB running the show.

So, I want to just pump the brakes a touch. I believe in Sean Payton’s vision. I BO-lieve in Bo Nix. We gave Vance Joseph his flowers on the show, as he has dialed up a great defense. Pat Surtain II seems to have running mates in Riley Moss and Ja’Quan McMillian. The drops by the WRs and TEs dropped off in Tampa.

But I need a prove it game. That is what the New York Jets offer. They are good. They have a solid defense, and their offense is going to test the Alex Singleton-less Broncos.

I’m aware that this comes across as negative, but that’s not how I see it. The future is bright. The Denver Broncos should be able to build on what they are accomplishing. All the tooth grinding that went on about Nix after the first two weeks has all but disappeared.

But if I know Broncos Country, it will be back if we see regression, which we will. It could be this week. That should be expected. The surprise will be if it doesn’t.

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The carrousel trope can be put away. We are on a completely different carnival ride now. If it is a rollercoaster, let it be the kiddy one with the smiling purple dragon head. That’s how we know Nix can be the guy in Denver for a long time.

And while the high of winning against the Bucs is carrying us right now, let’s remember not to get to down when the inevitable dip occurs.

A tough game against the Jets won’t mean that Bo Nix ain’t it. It won’t mean Sean Payton is washed. It will mean the process is ongoing. Enjoy that. BO-lieve in that.



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Denver, CO

Denver weather: Slightly cooler Friday before summer-like heat returns

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Denver weather: Slightly cooler Friday before summer-like heat returns


Denver weather: Slightly cooler Friday before summer-like heat returns – CBS Colorado

Watch CBS News


Watch meteorologist Callie Zanandrie’s forecast.

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