The following confession may come as a shock to those who know me: I am now a conservative. When it comes to baseball, that is.

I watched the blown check-swing call that allowed the Dodgers to win a game against the Rockies last month in an improbable comeback and to the fury of Colorado fans. The ump’s clear mistake will only add to demands that check-swing calls be included in the instant replay protocol.

But check-swing subjectivity is a fundamental part of the way baseball is supposed to function: humanly, in sublime, sometimes maddening imperfection. MLB interventions to “fix” it — larger bases, the ghost runner at second base in extra innings, batters limited to one timeout per at-bat and, worst of all, the pitch clock — are blows against the beauty of the game.

Admittedly, these changes seem to be quite popular. Games had been running longer and longer with incessant pitching changes, dawdling batters and, yes, replay reviews. But what monstrous hubris to think we know better than baseball’s Original Framers! Ninety feet between bases, 60 feet, 6 inches between pitching rubber and home plate — these are divinely induced measurements. Start messing with tradition and the heart of the game is lost to hyper-regulated “reality.”

Baseball is not reality. It is myth performed by real bodies. And imperfection, which is also the unexpected, beyond the reach of metrics, is where the magic comes from — magical triumph and magical heartbreak, larger than life, operatic.

There is no doubt that soccer is the “beautiful game,” but baseball gives it a run for its money. Its own beauty has resulted from the gradual accrual of tradition, which has given us a poetics.

Languor is one of baseball’s essential characteristics. Seemingly nothing happens for long minutes; no one scores, no “bang-bang” double plays, just lazy fly balls and dribbled grounders; you are swayed by the lullaby of sun and beer into a somnambulant state.

And then “just like that,” as Vin Scully used to say, there’s a majestic home run blast, a leaping catch, a fierce duel between pitcher and batter, a spectacular strikeout. The explosion of affect is all the more powerful for having emerged so suddenly from the caesura. (Soccer fans experience a version of these symphonic changes of tempo on the pitch.)

Baseball’s temporality is inseparable from its physical dimensions, the space-time of the game. The vast swath of grass between outfielders, the closer quarters of the infielders, the tunnel of focus that connects pitcher, batter, catcher and umpire.

The imperfection of umpires is indispensable in the gestalt. Video appeals rob us of the opportunity to yell at the ump to get glasses, or suffer much worse things. A blown call can lead to simultaneous jubilation and heartbreak, with the losers rending their garments and smarting from the insult of being “robbed.”

All as it should be.

I say: Bring back smaller bags and keep stealing a base a rare art! I say: No more ghost runner (what did he do to deserve to be there?) and go on all night with punch-drunk players if that’s what the game demands. And most of all I say: Smash the pitch clock with an Adirondack bat. The timer is an abomination under baseball heaven, depriving us of the organic crescendo of tension in an epic at-bat in the late innings of a close World Series game (Kirk Gibson, 1988).

When I interviewed Scully after the Los Angeles riots-uprising of 1992, I asked him what he‘d said on the air about the chaos unfolding that first night, as a game was underway at Dodger Stadium. “I didn’t say a word,” he told me. He thought first of his responsibility to the fans and their safety — what if he caused panic? And he added: “There should be one place left where the rest of the world doesn’t intrude.”

He might as well have said baseball is sacred. Not to be messed with. Not even (as if it were possible) by history itself.

On all this, I come down as far more conservative than, say, old-school, bow-tied traditionalist George Will, who for once approves of the “progressive” in the form of the new rules he thinks augur a return of baseball to its one-time status as national pastime. The game, awash in play-by-metrics, Will has argued, is bloated not by poetic languor but by analytical ennui.

True that, Mr. Will. We agree about baseball’s slow death-by-numbers. At the end of the day, all the measurements miss the point — the ineffable beauty of a summer afternoon ever so slowly turning to night at the ballpark.

Some of us know when a cure is worse than the disease.

There is a reason baseball was famously the preferred sport of American literati in the mid-20th century. And the pitch clock wasn’t part of the poetry.

Rubén Martínez is a literature professor at Loyola Marymount University, the author of numerous books and co-creator and executive producer of the performance piece “Little Central America, 1984.”

The Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest has a new champion, as Pat Bertoletti ate 58 hot dogs.

Bertoletti’s victory comes as Americans across the nation are celebrating Independence Day. Thousands of fans descended on Conley Island to watch competitive eaters wolf down as many hot dogs (and buns) as possible in a 10-minute time span during the hot dog eating contest.

However, this year’s slate of competitors was noticeably missing one high-profile contestant — 16-time champion Joey Chestnut.

He was reportedly barred from competing in this year’s event. Chestnut recently signed a deal with Impossible Foods, a rival of Nathan’s that has launched a vegan wiener, the New York Post reported.

JOEY CHESTNUT GEARS UP FOR INDEPENDENCE DAY HOT DOG COMPETITION FACEOFF AGAINST HUNGRY SOLDIERS

Instead, he will compete against soldiers at a U.S. Army base in El Paso, Texas, beginning at 5 p.m. ET.

Chestnut’s absence left the traditional Brooklyn event wide open for a new winner in the men’s division, with eaters from around the world competing for the highly-coveted mustard belt.

Joey Chestnut, winner of the 2021 Nathan’s Famous Fourth of July International Hot Dog-Eating Contest, poses for photos in Coney Islands Maimonides Park on July 4, 2021 in the Brooklyn borough of New York. (AP Photo/Brittainy Newman, File)

Last year, Chestnut, of Indiana, chewed his way to the title by downing 62 dogs and buns in 10 minutes. The record, which he set in 2021, is 76.

He was initially disinvited from the event over a sponsorship deal with Impossible Foods, a company that specializes in plant-based meat substitutes.

Hot dogs are ready for the 2024 Nathan’s Famous Fourth of July hot dog eating competition at Coney Island in the Brooklyn borough of New York on July 4, 2024. (LEONARDO MUNOZ/AFP via Getty Images)

Major League Eating, which organizes the Nathan’s Famous contest, has since said it walked back the ban, but Chestnut decided to spend the holiday with the troops anyway.

Chestnut said he would not return to the Coney Island contest without an apology.

Impossible Foods will also donate to an organization supporting military families based on the number of hot dogs eaten at the event, a spokesperson said.

Fox News’ Ryan Morik contributed to this report.

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With the controversial absence of its king, Joey Chestnut, the competitive eating world turned its eyes to Coney Island, where an open field of competitors aimed to usurp the crown at Nathan’s Famous Fourth of July hot dog eating contest.

After 10 minutes of scarfing hot dogs, a new men’s champion emerged — Patrick Bertoletti. With mouth agape and stomach expanded, Bertoletti devoured 58 hot dogs to capture the Yellow Mustard Belt, outlasting 13 competitors.

For the first time in eight years, a new men’s champion was crowned.

Bertoletti, a Chicago native, returned to the event as the No. 9 ranked eater in the world. In his sixth appearance, he surpassed his personal best total of 55.

“Always the bridesmaid, never the bride,” Bertoletti said on ESPN2 after the competition. “Today, I’m getting married.”

The silver went to Geoffrey Esper, the favorite going into the event, who ate 53 hot dogs, while James Webb of Australia secured third place with 52 dogs consumed.

“I just can’t believe it. I always finished second or third, and this is big,” Bertoletti said. “With Joey not here, I knew I had a shot. I unlocked something inside me that I don’t know where it came from, but I’m not complaining.”

On the women’s side, the new potential face of competitive eating emerged as Miki Sudo, the reigning queen of the event, set a new women’s world record by downing 51 hot dogs in 10 minutes. She clinched her 10th Pink Belt in historic fashion, beating her previous world record of 48.5 hot dogs and buns and surpassing the 50-dog threshold.

“I finally did it,” Sudo said on ESPN2 after the competition. “We finally beat 50 hot dogs. So much of this is thanks to Mayoi Ebihara, who pushed me so much. Honestly, I prepared even more because I knew she was going to bring it.”

In second place, gobbling 37 hot dogs, was Tokyo-based competitive eater and social media star Mayoi “Ebimayo” Ebihara. In a neck-and-neck race to victory, Ebihara gave Sudo a run for her money for the second consecutive year, keeping pace with the champion for nearly the entire stretch of the competition.

Michelle “Cardboard Shell” Lesco, who claimed victory in the 2021 competition during Sudo’s absence, finished third, gobbling 23.5 hotdogs and buns, falling short of her personal best of 32 hotdogs and buns.

A mainstay in competitive eating, Sudo proved why she is the No.1 ranked competitive female eater and No. 3 overall. She has dominated the event every year since 2014, except for 2021, when she missed time due to pregnancy with her son Max.

“Ten years into this, I still have more to show,” Sudo said. “The women’s records are just going to improve.”

This year’s contest may have an asterisk attached as the man synonymous with the event, Chestnut, was banned due to a contractual agreement to endorse a rival brand of wiener, Impossible Foods, which produces vegan hot dogs.

Nathan’s and Shea refuted claims of a ban, telling CBS News, “He is never banned. He has never been banned. We want him there. We wanted him there. We conceded on all these elements. It was an exclusivity issue.”

Either way, “Jaws’” star power was notably absent.

For the last 17 years, Chestnut has been the Goliath of the contest, winning 16 of the previous 17 Nathan’s hot dog eating contests. MLE, the governing body for numerous competitive eating contests, has crowned him “the greatest eater in history.”

On average, Chestnut has eaten 66.47 wieners per year. , a mark which Bertoletti fell short of, a benchmark Chestnut may have expectedly surpassed as he has done many times before.

Chestnut is participating in a Fourth of July hot dog eating contest featuring Impossible Foods products at Fort Bliss in Texas at 2 p.m. PST. He is also set to face his biggest rival, former champion Takeru Kobayashi, in a Netflix special airing on Labor Day.