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How a Brief and Inexplicable NYC Altercation Escalated to Manslaughter

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How a Brief and Inexplicable NYC Altercation Escalated to Manslaughter

Domingo Tapia and Gary Anderson crossed paths for no more than a second, two lives colliding in a moment of grainy surveillance footage.

Mr. Tapia, a 38-year-old Mexican immigrant who worked as a fruit vendor, had met his brother for a few beers on a summer evening in 2017. They had passed the time and said their goodbyes.

He turned back momentarily to retrieve a bag of fruit he had forgotten at the bar, mounted his bike and glided off toward his wife and two sons, through the quiet streets of Bedford-Stuyvesant, Brooklyn. It was 1:30 a.m.

Two blocks away, Mr. Anderson, a 26-year-old fitness trainer, was standing at Fulton Street and Albany Avenue among a group of men milling around the corner, gesticulating, apparently arguing.

Suddenly, he stalked into the crosswalk, advancing at just the moment Mr. Tapia pedaled into his path. Mr. Anderson took a step, and another, and then he exploded, launching his fist into Mr. Tapia’s face.

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Mr. Tapia’s balance failed. The bike spun out. His head smashed against the hard, dark pavement.

The two men didn’t know each other, and they never would. The punch had arrived like many crimes in New York — random, swift, a bolt out of nowhere.

Mr. Tapia was rushed to the hospital and placed in a medically induced coma, where he remained, motionless in a white room, a tangle of tubes jutting from his chest.

Mr. Anderson was arrested and indicted on several charges, including felony assault. For almost three years, he bounced among prisons in upstate New York, while Mr. Tapia’s wife, Esther Diaz, sat day after day at her husband’s bedside, praying for his limp body to stir.

Outside, seasons changed, his sons grew into teenagers, the city churned on. Nearly seven years slipped by, measured out by beeping monitors.

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Last March, the monitors went silent.

Ms. Diaz and Mr. Tapia both immigrated from Guerrero, Mexico, but they met more than 2,000 miles from home at a restaurant in Flatbush.

Ms. Diaz had been waiting on tables amid a crush of customers when Mr. Tapia walked in. They talked through the busy afternoon, the restaurant abuzz around them. A bouquet of roses arrived the following week. They found home in each other: Ms. Diaz bright and energetic at just over 5 feet tall, and Mr. Tapia her calm and gentle counterpart.

Over the next 15 years, they built a life together in Brooklyn and welcomed a son, Pedro, and then another, José.

Mr. Tapia was an attentive father, Ms. Diaz said. He rarely stayed out late, preferring to come straight home from work to spend time with their sons. The couple never married, partly because of concerns over their immigration status — both were undocumented — but they considered themselves husband and wife. They had a gentle war over the television: She liked telenovelas, he liked video games.

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On the morning of June 7, 2017, the couple got up in a hurry and rushed to ready the children for school. Ms. Diaz bathed the boys, 5 and 7, in the kitchen while Mr. Tapia showered. The apartment was a blur of activity as the children collected their bags and Mr. Tapia rushed out. The door clicked shut before she had a chance to say goodbye.

By evening, Ms. Diaz could sense that something was amiss. Mr. Tapia had not answered a text message since he left. Eight p.m. and then 9 p.m. came and went without a word, the fresh tortillas and mole she had prepared growing cold on the table.

She awoke hours later to her buzzing phone. It was Kings County Hospital.

When Ms. Diaz arrived, her husband was lying in a bed, bruises blooming across the back of his dented skull. Nurses hurried around the room, preparing him for surgery. Again and again, Ms. Diaz asked Mr. Tapia who had done this to him, but he couldn’t move his mouth. Instead, he took her arm and shook it.

He emerged from surgery hours later in a medically induced coma.

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For nearly a week, Ms. Diaz had no idea what had happened. Detectives at the hospital offered little help. Calls to the police turned up few answers. At one point, the hospital staff even barred Ms. Diaz from entering her husband’s room until she could produce documents proving their relationship, which took days to procure from Mr. Tapia’s family in Mexico.

Frantic, Ms. Diaz contacted Hispanic news outlets, batting away the nagging fear that publicizing her name could threaten her residency.

Not long after, the police called her into the precinct. There, seated at a table beside her brother-in-law, she watched, numb, as officers played a fuzzy surveillance video. There it was: her husband, a stranger and a single punch rendered in choppy pixels.

Within days, the story of the inexplicable assault was splashed across tabloid headlines, unnerving the neighborhood and seizing New Yorkers’ attention for its particular brutality. At a candlelight vigil, Eric Adams, the Brooklyn borough president and future mayor, offered to personally pay $1,000 to anyone who could help.

Mr. Anderson was arrested at the end of that month. He had been building his personal training roster, hopping from gym to gym, when someone recognized him.

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His arrest did little to calm Ms. Diaz. For weeks, the surveillance video of the punch played on every television, dragging her back to that night. On some days, she caught glimpses of Mr. Anderson roaming the neighborhood, out on bail. She would board a train car and he would be there. She would walk down the street and there he was.

In the evenings, after finishing work as a housekeeper, Ms. Diaz would trek to the hospital, traveling on foot when she couldn’t afford a MetroCard. She fed her sons dollar pizza for dinner before coaxing them to sleep at their father’s bedside in the intensive care unit.

There were unending bus rides and stacks of medical bills. The children’s grades plummeted. Pedro, the eldest, was being steadily bullied at school. Once, he got into a fight, telling her afterward that he had been defending himself so that he wouldn’t end up like his father.

Her sons deserved better, she thought. She was giving them a miserable life.

Mr. Tapia showed little improvement. He remained on a ventilator for six months, coming off life support for only two days before his body weakened again. A neighborhood activist and friend suggested that Ms. Diaz pull the plug, but she refused. She would pray for his recovery instead.

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Years went by like that, and eventually Mr. Tapia was transferred to a long-term care facility in Staten Island. He sank into a vegetative state. Ms. Diaz did her best to travel to his bedside, but time and money were in short supply and the Verrazzano-Narrows Bridge loomed between them, a barrier dividing the family from its father.

The pandemic came. Visits dwindled.

While Mr. Tapia’s family waited for him to wake, Mr. Anderson’s struggled to understand the burst of violence from a man they had known as a generous friend and doting parent.

Mr. Anderson was raised in Bed-Stuy, the youngest in his family. His half sister Shakeya Lloyd, who shares a father with him, said he had faced difficult circumstances growing up. He turned to fitness as a respite from troubles at home.

“Nobody knew of him as a troublemaker,” Ms. Lloyd said. “I’ve never even heard him raise his voice.”

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She described her brother as charitable and thoughtful from an early age, bringing bags of Christmas gifts to his grandmother’s house and organizing donation drives in the neighborhood. Mr. Anderson always had girlfriends, she said, and over the years he raised three daughters. His Instagram account is dotted with photos of the girls, wobbling on roller skates and learning to read.

By June 2017, Mr. Anderson was working as a youth coach at the local Y.M.C.A. and running his personal training business on the side. He had never been arrested. So it came as a shock when Ms. Lloyd learned that her brother had attacked a man at Fulton and Albany.

In the months that followed, lawyers, politicians and even relatives had various theories about why he had swung. Prosecutors said he had been arguing with people on the corner. Later, they added that Mr. Anderson had decided to attack someone at random. One friend called it a bad moment; most were fuzzy on the details. Ms. Lloyd said she had been disappointed.

In September 2019, Mr. Anderson pleaded guilty to felony assault and was sentenced to three years in prison as Ms. Diaz looked on from the courtroom gallery. It didn’t feel like a punishment, Ms. Diaz thought. Nothing could soothe her family’s suffering.

Mr. Anderson did time at prisons in Ulster County and Altona in upstate New York. The five-hour trip was too long for his family to make regular visits and, though he called when he could, he struggled to explain his absence to his daughters.

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In 2022, he was quietly released from prison, returning to Brooklyn. Yet again, Ms. Diaz encountered him on the street. She felt as though his eyes were on her back.

Mr. Anderson worked to rehabilitate himself, his family said. He opened a gym of his own and enmeshed himself again in his daughters’ lives. But court records tell of troubles fueled by alcohol and rage.

A few months after returning home, Mr. Anderson was arrested on charges of drunken driving and sentenced to a year of alcohol treatment.

Then in June 2024, he was charged with attempted murder, accused of shooting a gun at a man with whom he had argued at a bar. Mr. Anderson was released on bond. He attended every court date, standing behind a defense table once again.

Miles away in Staten Island, Mr. Tapia was fading away. In the months before, he had undergone two emergency surgeries, but before long his organs began to fail. On March 12, 2024, his body gave out entirely and he slipped away.

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His hospital room was empty. Ms. Diaz couldn’t bring herself to go.

It was nearly a year later and Mr. Anderson had just finished his latest virtual appearance in his attempted murder case when his phone screen lit up with a call from his lawyer.

The medical examiner had ruled Mr. Tapia’s death a homicide, the case had gone to a grand jury and Mr. Anderson, his lawyer told him, had been newly indicted on manslaughter charges.

The news washed over him all at once, said Ms. Lloyd, Mr. Anderson’s sister. He had already admitted to punching Mr. Tapia and served time in prison. But when Mr. Tapia died, that changed the nature of the crime. Under the law, the attack was now not just a punch, but a punch that had killed a man.

Mr. Anderson surrendered on the new charges on Feb. 5. Detectives picked him up at the courthouse and brought him to a precinct and then back to court again. He stood in still another courtroom, listening as prosecutors once again described that night in June 2017, the endless moment his family and Ms. Diaz’s could not escape.

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“It’s kind of wrong,” Ms. Lloyd said. Her brother had admitted his guilt and was remorseful. “How can it kind of slap you in the face?”

His lawyer, Judith Karpatkin of the Legal Aid Society, said she could not discuss the case.

Since his rearrest, Mr. Anderson, who was released on his own recognizance, has been active on Instagram, posting cryptically about the future. Last month, a neighbor in the building said he had cleared out his gym. Now it’s just a bare room under the J train tracks in Bushwick.

“I can take all the blessings I can get. I’m going through a lot,” Mr. Anderson said during a recent live video about repentance during Ramadan, which he observes.

“The past and bringing that back is very depressing,” Mr. Anderson said in the video, responding directly to a reporter’s request to talk about the case. “I felt like I did what I had to do, and now everything is coming back again.”

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He declined to speak further.

After Mr. Tapia’s death, Ms. Diaz had his body cremated. She brought his ashes home in a smooth wooden box and placed them high on a shelf at the back of a second-floor closet, where they remained, untouched, for the past year.

“Sometimes I didn’t understand how it was possible for us to survive all of these years,” Ms. Diaz said recently at her home in East Flatbush, fingering a sun-bleached photo of her husband, one of the few she has left of him.

Next month, when she returns to court for Mr. Anderson’s case, she’s hoping for just one thing. She wants to see her husband’s killer back behind bars.

“May he feel that pain,” Ms. Diaz said.

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Seven years have passed since Mr. Anderson and Mr. Tapia met on the darkened corner of Fulton and Albany. But their two families remain frozen in that deadly moment.

Mr. Anderson, now 34, is facing the possibility of returning to prison. His daughters, the eldest of whom is almost a teenager, grapple with the prospect of losing their father again.

Ms. Diaz, 41, is raising her children on her own, the box with her husband’s ashes gathering dust upstairs.

From time to time, she can hear her sons, now 14 and 13, from behind a closed door, huddled over a glowing phone screen. They watch and rewatch the grainy clip of the punch that ended their father’s life.

Kirsten Noyes contributed research.

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Essential New York City Movies Picked by Ira Sachs and Blondie’s Debbie Harry and Chris Stein

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Essential New York City Movies Picked by Ira Sachs and Blondie’s Debbie Harry and Chris Stein

Film

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Leo McCarey’s “Make Way for Tomorrow” (1937). The Criterion Collection

‘Make Way for Tomorrow’ (1937), directed by Leo McCarey

The log line: After the bank forecloses on their home, an elderly couple must separate, each living with a different one of their adult children. 

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The pitch: “It’s a film that Orson Welles famously said ‘would make a stone cry,’” says Sachs, 60, about McCarey’s movie, singling out a long sequence at the end that depicts “a date through certain lobbies and bars of New York City that offers a snapshot of Midtown in the ’30s.” 

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Tippy Walker (left) and Merrie Spaeth in George Roy Hill’s “The World of Henry Orient” (1964). United Artists/Photofest

‘The World of Henry Orient’ (1964), directed by George Roy Hill

The log line: A wily 14-year-old girl and her best friend follow a ridiculous concert pianist, on whom they have a crush, around the city.

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The pitch: Hill’s 1960s romp inspired Sachs’s film “Little Men” (2016), which is about boys around the same age as these protagonists. “It’s an extraordinarily sweet film that also seems, to me, very honest,” he says. 

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Rip Torn (left) in Milton Moses Ginsberg’s “Coming Apart” (1969). Courtesy of the Everett Collection

‘Coming Apart’ (1969), directed by Milton Moses Ginsberg

The log line: Rip Torn plays an obsessive psychiatrist who secretly films all the women passing through his home office, inadvertently capturing his own mental breakdown. 

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The pitch: Shot in one room with a fixed camera, Ginsberg’s film “really feels of a time,” says Sachs. It’s also “very sexual and very free,” reminding him of what’s possible when it comes to making movies. 

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Don Murray and Diahn Williams in Ivan Nagy’s “Deadly Hero” (1975). Courtesy of the Everett Collection

‘Deadly Hero’ (1975), directed by Ivan Nagy

The log line: A disturbed, racist cop saves a cellist from a crook, only to become her tormentor. 

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The pitch: Harry, 80, and Stein, 76, were extras in Nagy’s film, which stars Don Murray, Diahn Williams and James Earl Jones as the cop, the cellist and the crook, respectively. The pair call the movie “[expletive] weird,” but also say that their day rate — $300 — “was the most money we’d ever made on anything” up to that point.

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Chantal Akerman’s “News From Home” (1976). Collections Cinematek © Fondation Chantal Akerman

‘News From Home’ (1976), directed by Chantal Akerman

The log line: An experimental documentary by Akerman, a Belgian filmmaker who moved to New York in her early 20s, the film features long takes of the city and voice-over in which the director reads letters from her mother. 

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The pitch: “I’m intrigued by how beauty contains sadness in the city,” says Sachs. Not only is her film a “beautiful record of the city” but it captures “what it is to be alone here, to have left some sort of community and, in particular for Chantal, separated from her mother.”

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Michael Wadleigh’s “Wolfen” (1981). Orion/Courtesy of the Everett Collection

‘Wolfen’ (1981), directed by Michael Wadleigh

The log line: Albert Finney stars as a former N.Y.P.D. detective who returns to the job to solve a violent and bizarre string of murders. 

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The pitch: Wadleigh’s film is not only a vehicle for Finney, says Stein, it also “has a lot of footage from the South Bronx when it was still completely destroyed” by widespread arson in the 1970s.

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Seret Scott in Kathleen Collins’s “Losing Ground” (1982).

‘Losing Ground’ (1982), directed by Kathleen Collins

The log line: Collins’s film — the first feature-length drama for a major studio directed by an African American woman — observes a rocky relationship between a college professor and her painter husband.

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The pitch: Sachs calls “Losing Ground” “a revelation.” The characters are “so human and fascinating and extremely modern,” he says, adding that he loves a movie that “exists in some very complete version of the local.”

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Griffin Dunne in Martin Scorsese’s “After Hours” (1985). Mary Evans/Ronald Grant/Everett Collection

‘After Hours’ (1985), directed by Martin Scorsese

The log line: In Scorsese’s black comedy, an office worker (Griffin Dunne) has a surreal and bizarre evening of misadventure while trying to get back uptown from a woman’s apartment in SoHo. 

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The pitch: Harry and Stein recommend this zany tale and borderline “nightmare” for the way it captures a bygone era of New York. “It’s this great image of [Lower Manhattan] when it was still raw, you know, Wild West territory,” Stein says. 

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A scene from Edo Bertoglio’s “Downtown 81” (1980-81/2000). Courtesy of Metrograph Pictures

‘Downtown 81’ (shot in 1980-81, released in 2000), directed by Edo Bertoglio

The log line: Bertoglio’s film is a striking portrait of a young artist who needs to raise money so he can return to the apartment from which he’s been evicted. 

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The pitch: Jean-Michel Basquiat stars as the artist in this snapshot of life in New York during the ’80s. Despite all the drama surrounding it — postproduction wasn’t completed until 20 years after filming, and for many years the movie was considered lost — the film is notable, says Stein, because “it’s got all the characters and all our buddies in it.”

These interviews have been edited and condensed.

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13 Actors You Should Never Miss on the New York Stage

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13 Actors You Should Never Miss on the New York Stage

Theater

Quincy Tyler Bernstine

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Sara Krulwich/The New York Times

A master of active stillness, the 52-year-old Bernstine (imposing in the 2024 revival of John Patrick Shanley’s “Doubt,” above) has that great actorly gift of making thought visible. A natural leader onstage, she compels audiences to follow her.

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Victoria Clark

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One of the theater’s best singing actors, with Tonys for Adam Guettel and Craig Lucas’s “The Light in the Piazza” (2005) and David Lindsay-Abaire and Jeanine Tesori’s “Kimberly Akimbo” (above, 2022), Clark, 66, performs not on top of the notes but through them, delivering complicated characterization and gorgeous sound in each breath.

Susannah Flood

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Flood, 43, is a true expert at confusion, a good thing because she often plays characters like the twisted-in-knots Lizzie in Bess Wohl’s “Liberation” (above, 2025). What makes that confusion thrilling is how she grounds it not in a lack of information or purpose but, just like real life, in an excess of both.

Jonathan Groff

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The rare musical theater man with the unstoppable drive of a diva, Groff, 41, sweats charisma, as audience members in ringside seats at Warren Leight and Isaac Oliver’s Broadway musical “Just in Time” (above, 2025) recently discovered. Giving you everything, he makes you want more.

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William Jackson Harper

Sara Krulwich/The New York Times

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Unmoored characters are often unsympathetic. But whether playing a confused doctor in the 2024 revival of Anton Chekhov’s “Uncle Vanya” or a delusional bookstore clerk in Eboni Booth’s “Primary Trust” (above, 2023), Harper, 46, makes vulnerability look easy, and hurt hard.

Joshua Henry

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Sara Krulwich/The New York Times

There are singers who blow the roof off theaters, but the 41-year-old Henry’s voice is so huge and deeply connected to universal feelings that he seems to be singing inside you. Currently starring in the Broadway revival of “Ragtime” (above, by Lynn Ahrens, Stephen Flaherty and Terrence McNally), he blows the roof off your head.

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Mia Katigbak

Superb and acidic in almost any role — in distress (Annie Baker’s 2023 “Infinite Life,” above) or in command (2024’s “Uncle Vanya”) — Katigbak, 71, finds the sweet spot in even the sourest truths of the human condition.

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Judy Kuhn

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Sara Krulwich/The New York Times

With detailed intelligence and specific intention informing everything she sings, Kuhn, 67, is (among other things) a Stephen Sondheim specialist — her take on Fosca in “Passion” (above, 2012) was almost literally wrenching. It requires intellectual stamina to keep up with the master word for word.

Laurie Metcalf

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Sara Krulwich/The New York Times

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The fierce, sharp persona you may know from her years on “Roseanne” (1988-97) is about a tenth of the blistering commitment Metcalf, 70, offers onstage in works like Samuel D. Hunter’s “Little Bear Ridge Road” (above, 2025). She goes there, no matter the destination.

Deirdre O’Connell

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Sara Krulwich/The New York Times

For 40 years an Off Broadway treasure, O’Connell, 72, handles the most daring, out-there material — including, recently, a 12-minute monologue of cataclysmic gibberish in Caryl Churchill’s “Kill” (above, 2025) — as if it were as ordinary as barroom gossip.

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Conrad Ricamora

Sara Krulwich/The New York Times

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Revealing the Buddy Holly in Benigno Aquino Jr. (in the 2023 Broadway production of David Byrne and Fatboy Slim’s “Here Lies Love”) or the queer wolf in Abraham Lincoln (in Cole Escola’s “Oh, Mary!,” above, last year), Ricamora, 47, is uniquely capable of great dignity and great silliness — and, wonderfully, both together.

Andrew Scott

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Sara Krulwich/The New York Times

It’s a tough competition, but Scott, 49, may have the thinnest skin of any actor. Whether he’s onstage (playing all the characters in Simon Stephens’s Off Broadway “Vanya,” above, in 2025) or on film, every emotion — especially rue — reads right through his translucence.

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Michael Patrick Thornton

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Sara Krulwich/The New York Times

Some actors are hedgehogs, projecting one idea blazingly. Thornton, 47, is a fox, carefully hoarding ideas and motivations. Keeping you guessing as Jessica Chastain’s benefactor in the 2023 revival of Henrik Ibsen’s “A Doll’s House” or as a pathetic lackey in last year’s production of Samuel Beckett’s “Waiting for Godot” (above, center), he holds you in his thrall.

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How a Geologist Lives on $200,000 in Bushwick, Brooklyn

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How a Geologist Lives on 0,000 in Bushwick, Brooklyn

How can people possibly afford to live in one of the most expensive cities on the planet? It’s a question New Yorkers hear a lot, often delivered with a mix of awe, pity and confusion.

We surveyed hundreds of New Yorkers about how they spend, splurge and save. We found that many people — rich, poor or somewhere in between — live life as a series of small calculations that add up to one big question: What makes living in New York worth it?

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Here’s one way to make New York more affordable: triple your income. After moving from Baton Rouge, La., in 2016 to attend graduate school, Daniel Babin lived mostly on red beans and rice or homemade “slop pots,” renting rooms in what he called a “cult house” and a building on a block his girlfriend was afraid to visit.

Then, in January, he got a job as a geologist with a mineral exploration company, with a salary of $200,000, plus a $15,000 signing bonus. A new city suddenly opened up to him. “I can take a woman out on a $300 dinner date and not look at the check and not feel bad about it,” he said. He also now has health insurance.

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Mr. Babin, 32, a marine geologist who also leads an acoustic string band, now navigates two economic worlds, one shaped to his postdoctoral income of $70,000 a year — when his idea of a date was a walk in Central Park — and the other reflecting his new income. In this world, he is shopping for a vintage Martin Dreadnought guitar, for which he will gladly drop $4,000.

Finding a New Base Line

On a recent morning at Mr. Babin’s home in Bushwick, Brooklyn, where he shares a 6,800-square-foot cohousing space with 17 roommates, he was still figuring out how to manage this split.

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Daniel Babin lives in a cohousing space modeled on the ethos of Burning Man, the annual arts festival in Nevada.

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“I’m feeling less inclined to just let it rip than I was a few months ago,” he said of his spending habits. He socks away $1,500 from each paycheck, and has not moved to replace his 2003 Toyota Corolla, an “absolute dump” given to him by his father. “Hopefully, I’m returning a little bit to some kind of base-line lifestyle that I’ve established for myself over the last five years,” he continued. “Because the fear is lifestyle inflation. You don’t want to just make more money to spend more money. That’s not the point, right?”

Lightning Lofts, the cohousing space where Mr. Babin has lived since January 2024, bills itself as part of a “social wellness movement” and seeks to continue the ethos of Burning Man, the annual communal art and cultural festival in the Nevada desert.

For a room with an elevated loft bed and use of common areas, Mr. Babin pays $1,400 a month in rent, plus another $250 for utilities and weekly housecleaning.

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He was first drawn to the organization through its events, including open mic “salons” where he played music or read from his science fiction writings. These were free or very cheap nights out, unpredictable and fascinating.

“You would see dance and tonal singing, and some dude wrote an algorithm that can auto-generate A.I. video based on what you’re saying — beautiful storytelling,” he said.

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“So I just showed up every month, basically, until they let me live here.”

The room was a good deal. He had looked at a nearby building where the rent was $1,900 for a room in a basement apartment that flooded once a month. “Ridiculous,” he said.

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But beyond its financial appeal, Mr. Babin liked the loft’s social life. “I used to be chronically lonely, and I just don’t feel lonely anymore,” he said. “Which is fantastic in a crazy place like New York. It’s so alive and it’s so isolating at the same time.”

Splurging on Ski Trips

Before Mr. Babin got his new job, he used to go to restaurants with friends and not eat, trying to save up $35 for a “burner” party — in the spirit of Burning Man — or Ecstatic Dance, a recurring substance-free dance party. He loved to ski but could not afford a hotel, so he would carry his old skis and beat-up boots to southern Vermont and back on the same day.

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“Going on a hike is a pretty cheap hobby,” he said, recalling his money-saving measures. “Living without health insurance is a good one.”

He still appreciates a good hike, he said. But on a recent ski trip, he splurged on new $700 boots and another $300 worth of gear. “I’m like, this is something I’ve wanted for 10 years, so I deserve it,” he said.

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He bought a $600 drone to take pictures for his social media accounts, and then promptly crashed it into the Caribbean (he’s now replacing the rotors in hopes of returning it to health).

He cut out the red beans and rice, he said, but his usual meal is still a modest $13 sandwich from the nearby bodega or $10 for pizza. “If I’m getting takeout and it’s less than $17, I don’t feel too bad about it,” he said.

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A Future After Cohousing

A big change is that dating is much more comfortable now, and he feels more attractive as a marriage prospect. “It turns out that a lot more people pay attention to you if you offer them dinner instead of a walk in the park,” he said.

He is now thinking of leaving the cohousing space — not just because he can afford to, but because his work has kept him from joining house events, like the regular potluck dinners. “I sometimes feel like a bad roommate, because part of being here is participating,” he said. “I feel like there might be someone who would enjoy the community aspect more than I’m capable of contributing right now.”

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He sounds almost wistful in discussing his former economizing. If it weren’t for the dating issue, he said, he would not need the higher income or lifestyle upgrades. “I never really felt like I was compromising on what I wanted to do,” he said.

He paused. “It’s just that what I was comfortable with has changed a little bit.”

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We are talking to New Yorkers about how they spend, splurge and save.

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