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Why it’s so hard for parents to let their kid quit

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Why it’s so hard for parents to let their kid quit


My 4-year-old dreads swimming lessons. Some nights, long past his bedtime, he calls me into his room and asks me, in a whisper, if he has to go to swim class tomorrow.

It breaks my heart. Swimming is an important safety skill, but the lessons are causing him anxiety. It made me wonder: If he wants to quit, should I let him?

It can be hard for parents to know when a kid is ready to stop taking part in an extracurricular activity. Classes and sports can encourage grit and foster belonging. But for some kids, they can also be a stress-inducing obligation.

Vanessa Lapointe, a child psychologist and parenting coach, understands this dilemma. In these situations, the best thing to do is to avoid rushing to fix the problem. Instead, “get curious, listen and provide the child the experience of being heard.”

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Here’s how to have hard conversations with your kids about quitting. Apply the advice to anything from piano lessons to summer camp.

Examine why you care so much. The problem might be you.

When your child says they’re ready to put their clarinet back in its case — and leave it there — the first thing you should do is examine yourself.

If your kid wanting to quit elicits a strong reaction in you, unpack that. “A lot of times our intentions get muddied by our own desires,” says Lapointe. Are you trying to push your unrealized dream of starring in the school play onto your child? Or maybe your family couldn’t swing team sports when you were growing up, so you’re determined your child will have a different experience.

“If your intention is anything other than ‘I want to give my kid a cool experience and see how they like it,’ you’re probably in it for the wrong reasons,” says Lapointe.

Ask your kid what’s going on. You might be surprised by what you learn.

“See what they will verbalize,” says Krystal Lewis, a child psychologist and clinical researcher at the National Institute of Mental Health.

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Maybe they just had a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day. “The rule of thumb is that we never quit on a bad day,” says Lapointe. So if you learn your kid got a smaller role than they wanted in the big school play, let their big emotions settle a bit before making any decisions.

If it’s not just defeat from a bad day, do a little more digging, says Lewis. Ask them: What do you like about the activity? What don’t you like?

Sometimes the issue turns out to be simple. They don’t like soccer because it’s at the end of a long school day and they’re hungry at practice, says Lewis. So maybe packing a few protein-rich snacks could make a difference.

Even if the issue turns out to be more complex — say, they don’t feel excited or passionate about art class — you now have valuable information to inform your troubleshooting.

Pay attention to what your child is complaining about. And observe their behavior.

The younger the child is, the less likely they are able to express their emotions or experiences verbally, says Lewis. So you may need other cues to figure out how your child feels.

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Pay attention to your child when they’re complaining, says Lewis. Maybe they’re sensitive to a coach’s raised voice. Or they’re too shy to talk to the other kids. Those are issues you can help fix. Have a conversation with the coach. Encourage a friend to join the team.

If you’re present at your child’s practices or lessons, you might be able to pick up on some of the pain points, says Lewis. If they’re zoning out, maybe they’re burnt out and need more unstructured playtime. If they seem bored, it’s possible this activity just isn’t for them.

Consider your child’s temperament. Are they a dandelion or an orchid?

Every child has a different tolerance for discomfort, and that should be taken into consideration when making a decision about quitting.

Assess their willingness to thrive in a challenging environment. Are they a dandelion or an orchid? This framework was developed by Thomas Boyce, a professor of pediatrics and psychiatry at University of California, San Francisco, to help identify a child’s temperament.

Dandelions are hardy and resilient. “You can plant it in a crack in the cement and forget to water it. And not only will the dandelion survive, it will probably thrive,” says Lapointe.

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Orchids are sensitive. “They require just the right amount of water, humidity and temperature. If you don’t get it just right, they don’t adapt.”

One isn’t better than the other, they’re just different. See which flower your child leans toward. If your kid is more of a dandelion, they may be OK in a less-than-perfect setting even if they’re not jazzed about it. If they’re more of an orchid, and you see they’re really struggling, maybe they need a different environment.

Come up with a creative compromise. “Quit” or “tough it out” aren’t the only two options.

“What’s the gray area? What can we modify?” says Lewis. If your kid is bored, could you take a break or cut back on the amount they’re engaging in the activity? If your kid is embarrassed when they strike out, could you practice batting at home?

Then have a conversation with your child about what it means to have made a commitment. Perhaps you say, “Well, since we signed up, we are going to go, but you can sit on the sidelines and watch,” says Lewis. “That way you’re teaching the child about honoring a commitment without forcing them to do something that’s really uncomfortable.”

As for my son and his fear of swim class, my husband and I did some investigating. We asked him what was up. It turns out he was terrified of putting his head under water! So we talked to the coach and they agreed he didn’t have to go under during class.

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Of course, you need to get your head wet to swim. My son eventually overcame his fear months later, when we were playing in the pool with his cousins.

Now, he routinely dunks himself during swim class. He literally takes his hand, puts it on the back of his head, and pushes himself underwater. And he loves being in the water. Turns out all he needed was a little time.

Even if we ended up needing to take a break from swimming for a whileI think I would have been OK with that, too. Lapointe says that we as parents shouldn’t put too much pressure on ourselves in situations like these. “In the grand scheme of things, this isn’t actually a big thing.”


The digital story was edited by Malaka Gharib. The visual editor is Becky Harlan. We’d love to hear from you. Leave us a voicemail at 202-216-9823, or email us at LifeKit@npr.org.

Listen to Life Kit on Apple Podcasts and Spotify, or sign up for our newsletter.

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Maine

Waterville volunteers count birds in daylong Christmas count

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Waterville volunteers count birds in daylong Christmas count


Greg LeClair looks for birds through his scope Saturday in Clinton during the Christmas Bird Count. Hannah Kaufman/Morning Sentinel

WATERVILLE — Volunteers traversed a 7.5-mile radius of towns, neighborhoods and fields Saturday, making note of every bird they saw or heard as part of an annual Christmas Bird Count.

Organized by the National Audubon Society, a bird conservation nonprofit facilitated by Maine Audubon and other local chapters, the volunteer-led counts take place in over 35 locations across Maine, running from Dec. 14 to Jan. 5.

Waterville’s count gathered about 20 volunteers Saturday to cover a region spanning Clinton, Fairfield, Vassalboro, Sidney, Belgrade, Winslow and Benton. Some of the volunteers work in wildlife and conservation fields and are regarded as local bird experts, while others are just getting into the hobby.

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The count helps state wildlife entities track bird populations, monitor fluctuations and understand long-term trends. At the end of the day, all of the data is reported to the count’s coordinator, which then gets sent to National Audubon to be consolidated into a state report.

That data informs many of the state’s conservation decisions, said Doug Hitchcox, staff naturalist at Maine Audubon.

“Whether it’s the programs we do, the things we talk about — we use so much Christmas Bird Count data,” Hitchcox said. “The wonderful thing about it is it’s the longest-running community science project, so that long-term data set really does a good job of showing you the trends, and that is just so beneficial to us and arguably anyone doing the larger scale conservation work.”

Christmas Bird Count participants can be identified as either feeders or fielders, said Greg LeClair, coordinator for Waterville’s count. Feeders stay at home and monitor the birds that appear at their feeders, while fielders venture out to count the birds.

“Fielders drive around, walk around and go looking for birds that way,” LeClair said. “Some of them are even out before sunrise and after sunset, looking for owls. We have a lot of different corners covered. We get people out in wetlands and forests and open fields and in the city, and we just try and tally every bird we can find.”

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On Saturday, the conditions for birding were almost perfect. It was cold but not too cold, with low wind, reasonably clear skies and snow concentrated around food sources, causing birds to feed near roads and at bird feeders. By 10 a.m., LeClair had gotten eyes — and binoculars — on multiple turkeys and hawks, four cardinals, three juncos, a merlin and two savannah sparrows, which are uncommon in the winter due to their preference for grasslands.

A savannah sparrow sits in a tree Saturday, an uncommon sight during the winter in Maine. Photo courtesy of Greg LeClair

Already, groups of volunteers were exchanging excited texts about their findings in each territory. For many, that excitement builds on years of data from past Christmas Bird Counts.

LeClair said that Waterville’s count has helped to identify new bird population trends.

“What’s been really cool with Waterville is we’ve been able to see new species kind of trickle in with both habitat and climate change,” LeClair said. “So if you look back in our data, you can see when the first northern cardinals started showing up, and more recently, it’s been things like red-bellied woodpeckers and Carolina wrens that are pretty new to the count, but they’re reliably showing up every year now, which is pretty cool to see.”

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Spotting rare birds during the count is an exciting bonus. If something rare does show up, LeClair said that taking photos is heavily encouraged, as well as the use of Merlin, a bird sound identification app.

This is Audubon’s 125th Christmas Bird Count. The first count happened on Christmas Day in 1900, proposed by ornithologist Frank M. Chapman, and it’s been an Audubon holiday tradition every year since.

Greg LeClair looks through binoculars from his parked car Saturday during the Christmas Bird Count. Hannah Kaufman/Morning Sentinel

With the state of Maine poised to update its Wildlife Action Plan in 2025, up-to-date bird data is important. Hitchcox said Christmas Bird Count data can be compared with data from the Maine Bird Atlas, a recently completed five-year catalog of birds from citizen scientists across the state.

“We have the best data on Maine birds that we’ve ever had, and then also being able to look at the long-term data through Christmas Bird Counts, through breeding bird surveys, that gives us a very complete picture.”

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It’s impossible for volunteers to count every bird in a 15-mile diameter. But even incomplete data gives biologists an understanding of population and climate trends.

Over the last few decades, new species have been expanding northward and are breeding in Maine, spending harsh winters where they formerly only stayed for summers. This year’s data may also give an early picture of how avian influenza is impacting different bird populations.

While counting birds is the primary focus, Hitchcox said the Christmas Bird Count also brings people together.

“I really like it because it brings a lot of the experts — the people who have been doing it for 30 or 40 years — and often pairs them up with people who are brand new to it,” Hitchcox said. “And it’s one of the best multigenerational opportunities as well. It’s an amazing opportunity to kind of see what a cool, diverse hobby this is, and we’re doing it in this long-running tradition of collecting data, which I think is one of the best ways we can be giving back to birds.”

There will be more opportunities to get involved in birdwatching across Maine next year. The Great Backyard Bird Count is in February, and Global Big Day, an event where birdwatchers around the world record as many species as possible, is planned for May 10. In the meantime, anyone can download the Merlin app as a first step in identifying birds.

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Waterville’s Christmas Bird Count will culminate with a tally rally at 5 p.m., sharing pizza and findings. But until then, as LeClair continues to circle the region, he said there’s one bird in particular he’s hoping to spot.

“Really, I think the one that makes it for me every year is the snow bunting,” LeClair said. “It’s a cute little white bird that forages in fields, and they look like little toasted marshmallows, and that’s my quintessential Christmas Bird Count bird.”



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Maine

Poland Spring ® Brand donates more than $40,000 to heating assistance programs in Maine

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Poland Spring ® Brand donates more than ,000 to heating assistance programs in Maine


POLAND SPRING – During this season of giving, Poland Spring® is helping support families in its host communities through employee and company contributions of gifts, food and funds.

Poland Spring is donating over 40k in monetary funding to heating assistance programs in seven Maine communities including Poland, Lincoln, Howland, Passadumkeag, Enfield, Fryeburg and Denmark.

“As a brand with deep roots in Maine, we are committed to giving back to the communities where we live and work all year, but especially during the holidays.,” said Heather Printup, Poland Spring’s Senior Manager of Community Relations. “We believe in helping our neighbors in need and find it rewarding to know that we can make a difference in someone’s life.” 

Other holiday giving includes support of the Christmas in Poland holiday celebration and the donation of 100 gifts by associates from the Kingfield bottling facility to the Farmington Elks lodge in support of Franklin County’s Operation Santa Claus.

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Additionally, employees from the Hollis bottling facility rolled up their sleeves to assist the Biddeford High School student council to provide Thanksgiving meals to over 100 families in the Biddeford, Saco and Dayton communities.





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Maine man airlifted after pile-up with U-Haul, tanker, car and pickup  

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Maine man airlifted after pile-up with U-Haul, tanker, car and pickup  


This story has been updated.

A crash involving a chain reaction pile-up of four vehicles sent one driver to the hospital by helicopter and closed the southbound lanes of the Maine Turnpike in Scarborough on Friday evening.

Police learned of the crash near mile marker 42 at about 6:04 p.m. after receiving numerous reports.

Traffic was already congested in the area because of other crashes, when a U-Haul driven by Jason McAvoy, 59, of Old Orchard Beach, hit a tanker truck driven by Kenneth Openshaw of Massachusetts, Maine State Police Lt. Aaron Turcotte said.

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The force of the collision pushed the tanker forward into a Subaru driven by Thomas Gillis, 32, also of Old Orchard Beach, whose car then rear-ended a Dodge Ram driven by Zachary Taylor, 31, of Searsmont.

Police found McAvoy trapped inside the U-Haul. Emergency workers extracted him, and he was flown by LifeFlight helicopter to Maine Medical Center in Portland, Turcotte said. Other drivers were treated at the scene.

Investigators believe driver fatigue and inattention were the main contributing factors to the crash, Turcotte said.



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