Maine
Why it’s so hard for parents to let their kid quit
My 4-year-old dreads swimming lessons. Some nights, long past his bedtime, he calls me into his room and asks me, in a whisper, if he has to go to swim class tomorrow.
It breaks my heart. Swimming is an important safety skill, but the lessons are causing him anxiety. It made me wonder: If he wants to quit, should I let him?
It can be hard for parents to know when a kid is ready to stop taking part in an extracurricular activity. Classes and sports can encourage grit and foster belonging. But for some kids, they can also be a stress-inducing obligation.
Vanessa Lapointe, a child psychologist and parenting coach, understands this dilemma. In these situations, the best thing to do is to avoid rushing to fix the problem. Instead, “get curious, listen and provide the child the experience of being heard.”
Here’s how to have hard conversations with your kids about quitting. Apply the advice to anything from piano lessons to summer camp.
Examine why you care so much. The problem might be you.
When your child says they’re ready to put their clarinet back in its case — and leave it there — the first thing you should do is examine yourself.
If your kid wanting to quit elicits a strong reaction in you, unpack that. “A lot of times our intentions get muddied by our own desires,” says Lapointe. Are you trying to push your unrealized dream of starring in the school play onto your child? Or maybe your family couldn’t swing team sports when you were growing up, so you’re determined your child will have a different experience.
“If your intention is anything other than ‘I want to give my kid a cool experience and see how they like it,’ you’re probably in it for the wrong reasons,” says Lapointe.
Ask your kid what’s going on. You might be surprised by what you learn.
“See what they will verbalize,” says Krystal Lewis, a child psychologist and clinical researcher at the National Institute of Mental Health.
Maybe they just had a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day. “The rule of thumb is that we never quit on a bad day,” says Lapointe. So if you learn your kid got a smaller role than they wanted in the big school play, let their big emotions settle a bit before making any decisions.
If it’s not just defeat from a bad day, do a little more digging, says Lewis. Ask them: What do you like about the activity? What don’t you like?
Sometimes the issue turns out to be simple. They don’t like soccer because it’s at the end of a long school day and they’re hungry at practice, says Lewis. So maybe packing a few protein-rich snacks could make a difference.
Even if the issue turns out to be more complex — say, they don’t feel excited or passionate about art class — you now have valuable information to inform your troubleshooting.
Pay attention to what your child is complaining about. And observe their behavior.
The younger the child is, the less likely they are able to express their emotions or experiences verbally, says Lewis. So you may need other cues to figure out how your child feels.
Pay attention to your child when they’re complaining, says Lewis. Maybe they’re sensitive to a coach’s raised voice. Or they’re too shy to talk to the other kids. Those are issues you can help fix. Have a conversation with the coach. Encourage a friend to join the team.
If you’re present at your child’s practices or lessons, you might be able to pick up on some of the pain points, says Lewis. If they’re zoning out, maybe they’re burnt out and need more unstructured playtime. If they seem bored, it’s possible this activity just isn’t for them.
Consider your child’s temperament. Are they a dandelion or an orchid?
Every child has a different tolerance for discomfort, and that should be taken into consideration when making a decision about quitting.
Assess their willingness to thrive in a challenging environment. Are they a dandelion or an orchid? This framework was developed by Thomas Boyce, a professor of pediatrics and psychiatry at University of California, San Francisco, to help identify a child’s temperament.
Dandelions are hardy and resilient. “You can plant it in a crack in the cement and forget to water it. And not only will the dandelion survive, it will probably thrive,” says Lapointe.
Orchids are sensitive. “They require just the right amount of water, humidity and temperature. If you don’t get it just right, they don’t adapt.”
One isn’t better than the other, they’re just different. See which flower your child leans toward. If your kid is more of a dandelion, they may be OK in a less-than-perfect setting even if they’re not jazzed about it. If they’re more of an orchid, and you see they’re really struggling, maybe they need a different environment.
Come up with a creative compromise. “Quit” or “tough it out” aren’t the only two options.
“What’s the gray area? What can we modify?” says Lewis. If your kid is bored, could you take a break or cut back on the amount they’re engaging in the activity? If your kid is embarrassed when they strike out, could you practice batting at home?
Then have a conversation with your child about what it means to have made a commitment. Perhaps you say, “Well, since we signed up, we are going to go, but you can sit on the sidelines and watch,” says Lewis. “That way you’re teaching the child about honoring a commitment without forcing them to do something that’s really uncomfortable.”
As for my son and his fear of swim class, my husband and I did some investigating. We asked him what was up. It turns out he was terrified of putting his head under water! So we talked to the coach and they agreed he didn’t have to go under during class.
Of course, you need to get your head wet to swim. My son eventually overcame his fear months later, when we were playing in the pool with his cousins.
Now, he routinely dunks himself during swim class. He literally takes his hand, puts it on the back of his head, and pushes himself underwater. And he loves being in the water. Turns out all he needed was a little time.
Even if we ended up needing to take a break from swimming for a while, I think I would have been OK with that, too. Lapointe says that we as parents shouldn’t put too much pressure on ourselves in situations like these. “In the grand scheme of things, this isn’t actually a big thing.”
The digital story was edited by Malaka Gharib. The visual editor is Becky Harlan. We’d love to hear from you. Leave us a voicemail at 202-216-9823, or email us at LifeKit@npr.org.
Listen to Life Kit on Apple Podcasts and Spotify, or sign up for our newsletter.
Copyright 2024 NPR
Maine
Tell us your Maine hunting hot takes
Now that deer season has wrapped up, hunters across Maine are returning to their usual off-season routine: processing meat, watching football and passionately debating the “right” way to hunt and fish.
Anyone who spends time in the woods knows opinions run deep.
So, what’s your hunting hot take? Is camo really necessary, or do deer not care what you’re wearing? Can they really smell a Swisher Sweet on your clothing? Should hunting licenses be harder to get, or should crossbows be classified as firearms?
It’s not just about laws, either — it’s about ethics, tradition and your personal style.
Your hot take might spark a friendly debate — or a fiery one — but either way, we want to hear it.
Share your thoughts in the comments or email Outdoors editors Susan Bard at sbard@bangordailynews.com.
Maine
Portland greenlit its tallest building this month. Will more skyscrapers follow?
Portland’s skyline is changing.
First, the iconic B&M Baked Beans brick smokestack came down. Then the 190-foot Casco building went up. And soon, the city will add a sweeping new Roux Institute campus and an “architecturally significant” expansion of the Portland Museum of Art.
But perhaps no change will have as much visual impact as the 30-story, nearly 400-foot tower the planning board approved earlier this month.
The proposal has ruffled feathers, with many bemoaning what they say sticks out like a sore thumb (or middle finger) on the city’s idyllic skyline. They fear if more high-rises pop up across the city, Portland might slowly morph into a northern version of Boston.
So will this project usher in an era of skyscrapers for Maine’s largest city?
Experts say that’s unlikely.
“We’re not expecting a windfall of 30-story buildings,” said Kevin Kraft, the city’s director of planning and urban development.
Under new zoning laws, only a small section of downtown along Temple, Federal and Union streets allow buildings as tall as the tower. That means even if there was an appetite for more high-rises, there simply isn’t much undeveloped space.
Furthermore, much of Portland ‘s peninsula is covered in historic districts, and “contributing buildings” can’t be torn down, Kraft noted.
Chapter 14 Land Use Code – Revised 12-3-2025 (PDF)-Pages by julia
GROWING UP
Vertical development, experts say, is a sustainable way to squeeze more housing into a smaller footprint, something cities have been doing for decades. And Portland needs housing in spades.
Last year, city leaders updated its zoning laws with the goal of allowing growth while preserving character. The overhaul included an increased maximum height for buildings in some of the city’s major corridors, permitting buildings up to 380 feet in a section of downtown.
That part of the city has always allowed the tallest buildings, but until last year’s recode, the maximum height was 250 feet. And that height cap was in place for nearly 30 years before it was even remotely tested when Redfern Properties built the 190-foot Casco in 2023, currently the tallest building in Maine.
The new proposal from Portland developer East Brown Cow Management LLC, tentatively called Old Port Square tower, would be twice that tall. It would include more than 70 residential units, commercial space, an 88-room hotel and a restaurant at the top, and is just one piece of a development project that could fill an entire city block.
Whether any other developers follow suit with similar proposals could depend more on market conditions than Portland’s updating zoning.
“People aren’t going to build speculative high-rises,” Kraft said.
If the building ends up being successful, though, it could be an important “proof of concept” for other developers in the area, said Tim Love, assistant director of the Master in Real Estate Program at Harvard University.
Love is generally supportive of the project, which he said is in a great location.
“A lot of these proposals don’t happen because at the end of the day, the financing doesn’t work or the numbers that were plugged in for rents aren’t supported by the underwriting,” he said. “So I think it would be good for Portland if this project is a success,” because it could lead to additional residential development downtown.”
And more people living downtown is exactly what the city needs, he said.
“I hope this is a model for more residential mixed-use development at densities that can extend the kind of not 24/7 but 18/7 life of the city all the way to the museum,” he said.
If Portland is going to get an influx of high-rises, it won’t be for some time, said Jeff Levine, a former planner for the city of Portland who now divides his time consulting and teaching urban studies and planning at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology.
“I don’t think you get instant results in anything,” he said.
Real estate is complicated. Beyond just zoning changes, there are building regulations, financial restrictions and even simply individual personalities that impact whether a building will go up, Levine said.
FEAR OF CHANGE
Nancy Smith, CEO of GrowSmart Maine, a nonprofit that helps communities grow in sustainable ways, says the Old Port Square tower will certainly be symbolic for the city, but it’s not a “game-changer.”
Game-changers, she said, were the Franklin Arterial and the demolition of Union Station — projects that transformed the city (though arguably not for the better) and made a statement about what Portland wanted to be in the future.
But some feel like the tower could do that, too. It just might take time.
“We’re not (just) trying to capture the current moment, we want to anticipate the growth we could see in the next 15, 20, 30 years,” Kraft said. “We want to accommodate that growth (and) be more proactive than reactionary.”
Cities are constantly changing and evolving, he said. At one point, the Time and Temperature building on Congress Street seemed to dwarf those around it, including the Fidelity Trust building, which was once known as Maine’s “first skyscraper.” Now, they blend in.
Additionally, Smith said, the uses intended for the proposed tower area already commonplace downtown: a hotel, restaurant, apartments and shops.
Still, a big element of early opposition to the tall tower is fear of change, and that’s natural, she said.
“The challenge is moving beyond that deeply personal response to actually consider what you’re looking at,” she said. “This building has a lot of symbolic value. Portland is changing, but stopping the building isn’t going to stop that change.”
Maine
3 ways to enjoy the winter solstice in Maine
The shortest day of the year, also known as the winter solstice, is Sunday. Maine ranks among five states with the shortest winter daylight, with about 8.5 hours. Averaging day length across the year, Maine is also near the bottom, with roughly 11.5 hours, second only to Alaska.
Day length varies strongly with latitude, even within Maine. On Sunday, Fort Kent will see almost a half hour less daylight than Portland, with 8 hours, 28 minutes compared with 8 hours, 56 minutes.
Why acknowledge the solstice?
The winter solstice serves as both a scientific marker of Earth’s orbit and a cultural symbol of the cycle of darkness and light. It is a time to look forward to longer days and opportunities for outdoor recreation, including winter-specific activities.
Watch the sunrise or sunset

With such a short day, take time to appreciate the daylight we do have. Head to a scenic spot near Bangor, such as Black Cap Mountain or the Waterfront, or for a longer drive, visit Bass Harbor Head Light in Acadia National Park or Mount Battie in Camden. Watch the sun rise or set over the winter landscape. Cross-country ski or snowshoe these areas to make the outing even more exciting. Rent equipment if needed, and carry a headlamp. Don’t let the waning light shorten your plans.
Visit holiday-themed lights
The Stillwater River Trail in Orono features a free light display with tunnels and wrapped trees, open nightly from 4 p.m. to 9 p.m.

For those willing to travel farther, the Gardens Aglow display at Coastal Maine Botanical Gardens in Boothbay lights up nature-themed paths with thousands of beautiful lights.
L.L. Bean in Freeport is always decorated with lights and holiday music, and the Cape Neddick Light in York has lights outlining its tower, keeper’s house and surrounding buildings.

Make winter crafts
After the sun sets, residents can mark the winter solstice with indoor activities such as creating seasonal crafts using Maine materials.


A handcrafted Christmas wreath made with Maine balsam fir brings natural holiday cheer to any home, and can be embellished with other natural trimmings like turkey feathers. Credit: Susan Bard / BDN
Options include wreaths and simple candle holders made from evergreens, pinecones and berries.
Many Maine land trusts allow public access to conserved forests and trails, providing materials for crafts with a permit. Creating your own wreaths and decorations is not only rewarding; they also make great gifts and are traditions worth starting.
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