Lifestyle
Yikes! You’re stuck in a situationship. When to stick around or get out
Meagan Culberson, 32, was on a third date with a guy she met on Hinge when she decided it was time to ask him a make-or-break question: What are you looking for?
They’d gone on fun dates and she was interested in getting to know him better, but only if they were on the same page. She wanted a long-term relationship.
When she broached the conversation with him, he told her that he wanted to “go with the flow” — in other words, he wasn’t dating with intention like she was.
Dating in Los Angeles can be messy. In “Date Cute” we’ll explore common dating problems and provide tips on how to date better.
“It was kind of like an epiphany,” says Culberson, the founder of Single Girls Club, a Los Angeles-based lifestyle brand that advocates for the empowerment of single women. Now knowing that they each had different goals, she was left with two options: 1) continue dating him and see where things went, or 2) end it before she got hurt.
In her 20s, Culberson had been through situationships — a term for a romantic or intimate connection that mirrors a relationship but lacks commitment — and they caused her a lot of confusion and pain. She had done a lot of self-reflection since then and knew she didn’t want to end up in another one, so she decided to cut things off with the guy.
“It was really hard,” she says, adding that she was starting to like him. “But if I had stepped back into those old patterns, all of that healing that I’d done would’ve just been a waste.”
Although situationships have probably been around since the beginning of time, these undefined entanglements — ones that fall in the murky, gray area between a defined relationship and casual dating — seem to have become more common with the rise of dating apps, hookup culture and the broadening of traditional relationship dynamics (i.e. non-monogamy, polyamory, etc.), relationships experts say.
“When [a situationship] becomes toxic and it’s hurting your mental and possibly physical health, then you have to figure out a way to get out of that situation.”
— Denise Brady, a marriage and family therapist
A recent YouGov survey, which polled more than 1,000 U.S. adults, found that 39% of people had been in a situationship before, and of people between the ages of 18 to 34, that number increases to 50%.
In a 2022 report, Tinder declared “situationships” a top trend and reported a 49% increase in members adding the phrase to their bios with young singles saying they “prefer situationships as a way to develop a relationship with less pressure.” Also, after 34% of Hinge users reported falling into a situationship in 2022, the app added a feature called “Dating Intentions” so daters could indicate upfront what they were looking for (i.e. life partner, short-term relationship, figuring out my relationship goals, etc.). Tinder and Bumble offer a similar feature.
So why does it seem like more people are getting into situationships? One answer is exhaustion, says Denise Brady, a marriage and family therapist based in Long Beach. “[Some people] just feel like ‘Man, I’ve been through this so many times, I really don’t want to put myself out there, so at least I have my sexual needs met, maybe not my emotional needs, but this situationship is working for me,’” she says.
Though these unclear connections tend to get a bad reputation, relationship experts say they aren’t inherently good or bad. For some people, a situationship can provide exactly what they need at a certain time in their life, and can be mutually fulfilling as long as both parties are on the same page and one person isn’t abandoning their true wants.
“But when it becomes toxic and it’s hurting your mental and possibly physical health, then you have to figure out a way to get out of that situation,” says Brady.
Given that situationships often mirror full-fledged relationships, it can be difficult to break free from them. If you’ve found yourself in one and you want to end it, here’s what relationship experts say you should do.
Be honest with yourself
Whether you were initially OK with not having a title or you’ve been secretly holding out hope that the other person would eventually want a relationship, experts say it’s completely normal — and OK — to change your mind about what you want.
“You’ve got to know how you feel,” says Patrick Yao, a marriage and family therapy trainee at Pelican Cove. “Let’s make sure first and foremost that you’re taking care of yourself, so you can make a comfortable, healthy decision.”
Yao recommends reflecting on these questions:
- How do you feel when you’re with the person? (I.e. Do you feel safe? Distant? Supported? Respected? A lack of engagement?)
- What are you like when you’re not with the person?
- Do you share the same relationship goals? Are you looking for something more?
Speak up
Once you’ve gotten clear about your dating goals, Sara Stanizai, a marriage and family therapist based in Long Beach, suggests having a conversation with the person you’ve been seeing to get clarity on what they want — and then you can decide if that works for you. However, she warns that “you should be prepared to lose the relationship as you know it.”
Start the conversation by explaining what you desire (e.g., a committed relationship), but don’t blame the person or give any ultimatums, Stanizai says.
“That way, not only are you respecting the other person and only speaking for yourself, but it is also harder to dispute or argue your points,” she says. For example, if you tell someone that you aren’t getting what you need out of the situationship, it’s tough to have a rebuttal.
But it’s also fine if you don’t want to have a formal chat about it, Brady says. “Sometimes those conversations make it harder” to walk away.
In that case, she recommends cutting things off with the person and going no contact, or slowly decreasing your communication with them over time. (Pro tip: It’s also helpful to have an accountability friend whom you can text when you feel an urge to reach out to the person you’ve been dating, she says.)
Take time to heal
Though situationships lack titles, it doesn’t mean they hurt any less when they come to an end. In fact, some people argue that these entanglements are just as — and sometimes more — painful than an official relationship.
“You don’t have clarity within situationships to start that [healing] process, so that’s why some people feel like they’re stuck in limbo,” Yao says. “It gets into this prolonged emotional distress.”
Therefore, it’s crucial to give yourself the same amount of time, space and grace to heal from a situationship as you would an official relationship. (Reminder: Friends and family, if you know someone going through this, please don’t belittle their feelings just because they didn’t have a title.)
Be kind to yourself, says Culberson, and remember that “you are worthy of what you desire.”
P.S. If you need some extra encouragement or commiseration, check out the situationship-inspired playlist that our readers helped us curate:
Lifestyle
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Lifestyle
Dominican Republic Man's Hand Cut Off in Machete Fight, Picks It Up After
Two men got into an old-school sword duel down in the Dominican Republic … and one poor guy lost a hand in the vicious fight, video taken by eyewitnesses shows.
The crazy battle went down Tuesday in San Pedro de Macorís — a small town on the southern part of the island — and the footage of this altercation is absolutely unbelievable … seriously looking like something straight out of a movie.
The two combatants face offer outside a gas station, with machetes and swinging — steel slashing against steel on the sidewalk. They exchange wild hacks, and, at first, it seems like one man may have the advantage as he forces his opponent to the ground.
Somehow, the man on the ground fends off his attacker with a series of kicks and slashes from his back, forcing his way to his knee … and cutting off his opponent’s hand at the wrist.
After his hand’s slashed off clean, the injured man runs away from his attacker … who walks in the other direction — with his shirt completely covered in blood. Despite being down a limb, the maimed man walks calmly to his severed hand, picks it up and heads off on his way.
Local reports cite eyewitnesses who say the men were actually friends … and this war was actually over a woman. The injured man was taken to a local hospital, but it’s unclear if doctors could salvage the hand and re-attach it.
We also don’t know if the other man involved in the altercation will face charges or not.
Lifestyle
Announcing the 2023 College Podcast Challenge Honorable Mentions
The College Podcast Challenge, now in its third year, received nearly 500 entries from students in 39 states and the District of Columbia. Back in March, we announced our 10 finalists, and earlier this month, we shared the story of Michael Vargas Arango, grand prize winner of the 2023 competition.
Beyond these entries, though, we also received 22 podcasts that caught our ears and that our judges thought had a strong story to tell. Here are the honorable mentions.
650 Words by Audrey Auerbach Nelson
Wesleyan University, Middletown, Conn.
A Hairy Situation by Jane Teran
Rutgers University, New Brunswick, N.J.
All I Want for Christmas is an Environmentally Friendly Tree by Amanda Maeglin
Vanderbilt University, Nashville, Tenn.
Brown Sheep by Isaac Wetzel
Belmont University, Belmont, Tenn.
Bypassers by Aisha Wallace-Palomares
University of California, Berkeley
Cheese Chicanery by Jake Silva
Vassar College, Poughkeepsie, N.Y.
Colorism in the Pilipinx Community by Malaya Mosqueda
San Jose State University, San Jose, Calif.
Experiencing Freedom Again by Ngan Siu Mei
University of Texas at Austin
How We Live: The Student Athlete Edition by Atavya Fowler
Miami Dade College
It’s Time To BeReal by Pari Goel
Duke University, Durham, N.C.
Juan’s Upon A Time by Juan Miguel Manalo
Miami Dade College
Love Beyond Belief by Jack Lindner
Indiana University, Bloomington, Ind.
Palm Leaves by Suraj Singareddy
Yale University, New Haven, Conn.
Puzzles: Are they still playing with our minds? by Yasha Mikolajczak
University of Missouri-Columbia
Rolling Against Hate with the Homos by Audreyanah McAfee
University of California, Berkeley
Sidelined by Jack Ottomano
Pennsylvania State University
SOS 204 Parking by Juanita Hurtado Huerfano
University of Colorado, Boulder
The History of the Silent Disco by Sam Kohn, Rachel Kupfer-Weinstein and Jacob Sarmiento
Cal Poly San Luis Obispo, San Luis Obispo, Calif.
The Sleep Study by Morgan Barela
California State University, Long Beach
The Yellow Wallpaper: An Audio Adaptation by Diego Vazquez, Avery Meurer and Timo Nelson
University of Texas at Austin
Two Ranchers from Mining for the Climate by Juan Manuel Rubio, Nate Otjen, Alex Norbrook, Grace Wang, and Max Widmann. Featuring Rebecca Buck and Lisa Stroup
Princeton University, Princeton, N.J.
UT’s Tower Bells: A Musical Tradition by Shaunak Sathe
University of Texas at Austin
Congratulations everyone! Thanks again for sharing your stories with us. We loved listening to every minute of them. We hope to hear from you again this fall.
NPR’s College Podcast Challenge will return Fall of 2024. Subscribe to our newsletter for the latest updates.
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