Connect with us

Lifestyle

Yikes! You’re stuck in a situationship. When to stick around or get out

Published

on

Yikes! You’re stuck in a situationship. When to stick around or get out

Meagan Culberson, 32, was on a third date with a guy she met on Hinge when she decided it was time to ask him a make-or-break question: What are you looking for?

They’d gone on fun dates and she was interested in getting to know him better, but only if they were on the same page. She wanted a long-term relationship.

When she broached the conversation with him, he told her that he wanted to “go with the flow” — in other words, he wasn’t dating with intention like she was.

Illustration of lips holding a text bubble saying "date cute" with three text bubbles: smiling devil, heart and ellipses

Dating in Los Angeles can be messy. In “Date Cute” we’ll explore common dating problems and provide tips on how to date better.

Advertisement

“It was kind of like an epiphany,” says Culberson, the founder of Single Girls Club, a Los Angeles-based lifestyle brand that advocates for the empowerment of single women. Now knowing that they each had different goals, she was left with two options: 1) continue dating him and see where things went, or 2) end it before she got hurt.

In her 20s, Culberson had been through situationships — a term for a romantic or intimate connection that mirrors a relationship but lacks commitment — and they caused her a lot of confusion and pain. She had done a lot of self-reflection since then and knew she didn’t want to end up in another one, so she decided to cut things off with the guy.

“It was really hard,” she says, adding that she was starting to like him. “But if I had stepped back into those old patterns, all of that healing that I’d done would’ve just been a waste.”

Although situationships have probably been around since the beginning of time, these undefined entanglements — ones that fall in the murky, gray area between a defined relationship and casual dating — seem to have become more common with the rise of dating apps, hookup culture and the broadening of traditional relationship dynamics (i.e. non-monogamy, polyamory, etc.), relationships experts say.

Advertisement

“When [a situationship] becomes toxic and it’s hurting your mental and possibly physical health, then you have to figure out a way to get out of that situation.”

— Denise Brady, a marriage and family therapist

A recent YouGov survey, which polled more than 1,000 U.S. adults, found that 39% of people had been in a situationship before, and of people between the ages of 18 to 34, that number increases to 50%.

In a 2022 report, Tinder declared “situationships” a top trend and reported a 49% increase in members adding the phrase to their bios with young singles saying they “prefer situationships as a way to develop a relationship with less pressure.” Also, after 34% of Hinge users reported falling into a situationship in 2022, the app added a feature called “Dating Intentions” so daters could indicate upfront what they were looking for (i.e. life partner, short-term relationship, figuring out my relationship goals, etc.). Tinder and Bumble offer a similar feature.

Advertisement

So why does it seem like more people are getting into situationships? One answer is exhaustion, says Denise Brady, a marriage and family therapist based in Long Beach. “[Some people] just feel like ‘Man, I’ve been through this so many times, I really don’t want to put myself out there, so at least I have my sexual needs met, maybe not my emotional needs, but this situationship is working for me,’” she says.

Though these unclear connections tend to get a bad reputation, relationship experts say they aren’t inherently good or bad. For some people, a situationship can provide exactly what they need at a certain time in their life, and can be mutually fulfilling as long as both parties are on the same page and one person isn’t abandoning their true wants.

“But when it becomes toxic and it’s hurting your mental and possibly physical health, then you have to figure out a way to get out of that situation,” says Brady.

Given that situationships often mirror full-fledged relationships, it can be difficult to break free from them. If you’ve found yourself in one and you want to end it, here’s what relationship experts say you should do.

Be honest with yourself

Whether you were initially OK with not having a title or you’ve been secretly holding out hope that the other person would eventually want a relationship, experts say it’s completely normal — and OK — to change your mind about what you want.

Advertisement

“You’ve got to know how you feel,” says Patrick Yao, a marriage and family therapy trainee at Pelican Cove. “Let’s make sure first and foremost that you’re taking care of yourself, so you can make a comfortable, healthy decision.”

Yao recommends reflecting on these questions:

  • How do you feel when you’re with the person? (I.e. Do you feel safe? Distant? Supported? Respected? A lack of engagement?)
  • What are you like when you’re not with the person?
  • Do you share the same relationship goals? Are you looking for something more?

Speak up

Once you’ve gotten clear about your dating goals, Sara Stanizai, a marriage and family therapist based in Long Beach, suggests having a conversation with the person you’ve been seeing to get clarity on what they want — and then you can decide if that works for you. However, she warns that “you should be prepared to lose the relationship as you know it.”

Start the conversation by explaining what you desire (e.g., a committed relationship), but don’t blame the person or give any ultimatums, Stanizai says.

“That way, not only are you respecting the other person and only speaking for yourself, but it is also harder to dispute or argue your points,” she says. For example, if you tell someone that you aren’t getting what you need out of the situationship, it’s tough to have a rebuttal.

But it’s also fine if you don’t want to have a formal chat about it, Brady says. “Sometimes those conversations make it harder” to walk away.

Advertisement

In that case, she recommends cutting things off with the person and going no contact, or slowly decreasing your communication with them over time. (Pro tip: It’s also helpful to have an accountability friend whom you can text when you feel an urge to reach out to the person you’ve been dating, she says.)

Take time to heal

Though situationships lack titles, it doesn’t mean they hurt any less when they come to an end. In fact, some people argue that these entanglements are just as — and sometimes more — painful than an official relationship.

“You don’t have clarity within situationships to start that [healing] process, so that’s why some people feel like they’re stuck in limbo,” Yao says. “It gets into this prolonged emotional distress.”

Therefore, it’s crucial to give yourself the same amount of time, space and grace to heal from a situationship as you would an official relationship. (Reminder: Friends and family, if you know someone going through this, please don’t belittle their feelings just because they didn’t have a title.)

Be kind to yourself, says Culberson, and remember that “you are worthy of what you desire.”

Advertisement

P.S. If you need some extra encouragement or commiseration, check out the situationship-inspired playlist that our readers helped us curate:

Lifestyle

ICICLE: Capturing Interest in Chinese Brands

Published

on

ICICLE: Capturing Interest in Chinese Brands
Executive president, Louise Xu, explains in our latest report ‘Face to Face With Luxury Clients’ how the Shanghai-based quiet luxury label is tapping rising interest in Chinese brands, the differences between Chinese and Western consumers and the logic behind a novel retail concept that includes a garden, art gallery and restaurant.
Continue Reading

Lifestyle

‘Dead but Dreaming of Electric Sheep’ is full of beautifully written grotesqueries

Published

on

‘Dead but Dreaming of Electric Sheep’ is full of beautifully written grotesqueries

Paul Tremblay has made a career of pushing the horror genre – and the novel format – in strange and exciting new directions.

In his latest, Dead but Dreaming of Electric Sheep, the author offers an amalgamation of genre elements that can be best described as psychological-dystopian-science-fiction horror. It’s a mouthful, but the narrative does all of that and more in a way that defies categorization.

Julia Flang is a former semiprofessional gamer working two mediocre jobs she dislikes and living in a modest ranch house in a San Fernando Valley suburb with her retired uncle, whom she calls Uncle Fun. Julia likes movies and gaming but there’s little else going on in her life, so when her estranged mother, the CFO of a large tech company, contacts her with a possible job offer – a “once-in-a-lifetime thing” that pays handsomely just for doing the interview – she hesitantly agrees.

The job is relatively simple and perfect for someone with gaming skills: using a controller built into a phone to get a man, who is stuck in a vegetative state, from California to the East Coast. It will require her to learn how to control his body – walking, moving, sitting, standing, using his arms – so she can maneuver him out of the facility where he is located and into cars and planes and through crowded airports. A fan of movies, Julia decides to call the man Bernie – after the movie Weekend at Bernie’s. When the ethics of the job start to bother her, Julia realizes it’s too late and she must go through with it. However, she’s soon contacted by people interested in sabotaging the whole thing, people who, like her, don’t align with the shady interests of conglomerates and those set to make “gobs of money” from this new, somewhat inhuman technology.

Advertisement

As with every Tremblay novel, any synopsis barely scratches the surface. The novel’s chapters alternate between Julia and you (yes, you). Julia’s chapters are “normal” in the sense that they obey a chronological order and have action, basic descriptions of movement and places, and dialogue. The chapters in second person are like fever dreams from a shadow world; the desperate experiences of a man trapped inside his own body with no control of it, no clue what’s happening to him, and only a few fragmented memories of his life. Also, Tremblay uses a similarly fragmented style of storytelling (including words and sentences trapped in boxes and/or “moving” on the page) to keep things interesting but also confusing and creepy.

Continue Reading

Lifestyle

At Mindful Archery, L.A. women take aim at their exes, toxic jobs and Donald Trump

Published

on

At Mindful Archery, L.A. women take aim at their exes, toxic jobs and Donald Trump

Give a girl a bow and arrow, take her to the woods, and anything feels possible.

That’s what I was thinking as I positioned myself in front of bales of hay in an open field at the Woodley Park Archery Range in Van Nuys. Channeling my inner Katniss, I took a “power stance:” shoulders back, legs slightly bent, bow cradled in my upper body. I slid a small but fierce-looking arrow bearing orange feathers onto the bow “nock,” filled my lungs with air, then heaved the tense bowstrings back to my jaw, one eye closed and the other narrowed in concentration.

Then I did what often feels impossible for me: I let go.

Advertisement
  • Share via

Advertisement

The arrow hurdled forward, unleashing an audible woosh followed by a distant thwack. I missed my target entirely, stabbing the hunk of hay more than a foot away from the bull’s-eye. But the feeling of release as the bowstrings were left vibrating in my arms was palpable, intensely satisfying.

This was Mindful Archery.

Angie Fadel, founder of Soulcare, leads Mindful Archery.

Angie Fadel, founder of Soulcare, leads Mindful Archery.

(Eric Thayer / Los Angeles Times)

Advertisement

The seemingly militaristic act of archery and peaceful meditation may seem diametrically opposed. But at Angie Fadel Soulcare, they make perfect sense together. Fadel leads workshops in Mindful Archery that combine meditation, somatic practices such as breathwork, immersive nature therapy and archery instruction.

The idea, Fadel says, is for participants to gather in a healing nature setting while becoming mindful of something they want to either let go of (an unfulfilling job or toxic relationship, for example) or something they’re aiming for and want to bring into their lives. Fadel leads a short guided meditation at the start of the workshop for participants to relax and get grounded, followed by a nature walk so they can further sink into the moment and become clear on what, exactly, their targets will be for the day — what they’ll be shooting for, or at. Then participants draw their individual targets on paper with colored markers that Fadel provides.

Attendees hold up their targets during a Mindful Archery class.

Attendees hold up their targets during a Mindful Archery class.

(Eric Thayer / Los Angeles Times)

One target might look like an abstract drawing representing a feeling, another might be a jumble of words and symbols such as “Love,” “$” and “Health.” Or an illustration of Donald Trump, as one past archer aimed for.

Advertisement

“I’ve seen everything,” Fadel says. “People have put their parents, their exes, people have put rapists — the most damaging things that have happened to them — on a target because if you can hit that thing, it feels better in your body. The same thing happens when you hit something good, it’s a hopeful mechanism in the body.”

Fadel’s archery instruction is as much about how the sport feels in the body as it is about technical precision. The slow and steady, intentional steps of deep breathing, taking aim and shooting at a carefully considered target is a powerful act, she says.

“Even if the arrow doesn’t go where you want, there’s this immediate thing that happens in your body that feels good,” Fadel says. “When you let go of that string, there’s an energy, there’s a movement — actual, physical energy moves. Something magical happens. It helps the things that are stuck in the body get unstuck. It’s somatic. Then it’s an extra bonus if you do hit your target, because the slap of the paper feels even better.”

Angie Fadel readies bows.

Angie Fadel readies bows.

(Eric Thayer / Los Angeles Times)

Advertisement

Fadel, who lives in Portland, Ore., and calls herself “a soul-collaborator,” has a masters in spiritual companionship and spent a decade working as a pastor in a Portland church helping members find untraditional spiritual paths. She’s also been an archer for more than 15 years. She came to both practices — spiritual companionship and archery — separately before they organically entwined. Midway through pursuing her master’s in 2011 she discovered a friend was a master archer. She’d always wanted to learn archery, since she was a kid growing up in rural Washington, and she persuaded him to give her a lesson.

“It was just one lesson, but it changed my life,” Fadel says. “I was doing something that I’d always dreamed of doing. It unlocked something I didn’t realize could be unlocked.”

Targets pinned to a hay bale allow participants to take aim at what they want to bring into their lives.

Targets pinned to a hay bale allow participants to take aim at what they want to bring into their lives.

(Eric Thayer / Los Angeles Times)

Fadel found archery increasingly therapeutic. She was doing a lot of introspective Jungian journaling at the time. As life challenges came up in her journaling — the stress of school or a difficult roommate, “or just society as a whole,” she says — she’d put them on targets in the form of words. Shooting at them helped her process the conflict. She thought the beneficial side effects of archery were particular to her, however. Then she took a struggling friend out for her first archery lesson and the response was profound.

Advertisement

“I realized, you know what? This works. I can take you from never touching a bow to your leaving with your nervous system relaxed. I thought: I have to figure out how to give this to other people.”

Now with Soulcare, Fadel conducts multiple types of archery workshops in Portland and around the country, including in Colorado, Texas and throughout California. She comes to Los Angeles to lead workshops several times a year. One workshop is a Mindful Archery class, not to be confused with her other course Meditative Archery, which involves Jungian journaling; and there’s a one-on-one archery session with spiritual guidance.

Empowering women and minorities, Fadel says, is a key part of her archery workshops.

“An archery range can be a very white, male-dominated space,” she says. “And the stance, with a bow and arrow in your hand, shooting — it’s very male. And [men] don’t have any problem, most of the time, taking up space. So it is a practice to remind ourselves, as a queer woman, a trans person, nonbinary person, anybody that’s kind of othered in our society, to be able to take up space. To adopt a power stance and be, like, I’m allowed to be here.”

Inside the Mindful Archery workshop

Our workshop began with gentle stretching in an open field. It was a cool, overcast day and as the wind rustled the tree leaves, a baby coyote raced across the lawn in the distance. During introductions, attendees shared why they were here.

Advertisement
Archery is about "letting go" and here, a student lets her arrow fly.

Archery is about “letting go” and here, a student lets her arrow fly.

(Eric Thayer / Los Angeles Times)

“I’m actually a very anxious person,” said Rachel Clipper, 26, “so I’m always looking for something to help me feel more grounded and promote mind-body connection.”

Kati Lee, 29, said that as a “‘Hunger Games’ girlie,” she’d always thought archery was cool. “But what drew me to keep coming back was the mindful part of it,” she said. “My favorite part is that we make our own targets.”

During the nature walk, we ambled down a tangle of dirt trails as Fadel pointed out wild rose bushes, Aspen trees and elderberry, giving a recipe for syrup. When we came to a body of water in a clearing — the Woodley Park Wetlands — we watched as a majestic-looking cormorant stretched its wings in the distance.

Advertisement

“Think about what would feel good to either annihilate,” Fadel said as we returned to the range. “Or bring in, or let go of, or make peace with. You can put all of it on your target.”

And so we did. We hunkered down at a picnic table by the archery range for crafting and snacks that Fadel provided, every one of us falling into silent sketching and scribbling as we munched on peanuts and granola bars. It felt like summer camp.

Lee set her markers down. “Done,” she said, contemplating her target. It was adorned with words such as “Health,” “Love,” “Family” and “Friends” inside concentric hearts.

Yvonne Golomb, 70, said she’d done archery as a high school student in gym class. She was shy back then, but archery had made her feel bold. Now that she’s retired, she’s craving that feeling again and is returning to the sport for sustenance.

“It’s this nice memory, it made me feel strong, it was freeing,” she said. “Now that I’m retired I’m exploring it. I wanted to bring back those memories.”

Advertisement

When it was time for our archery lesson, Fadel conducted one last somatic exercise to loosen us up. She had us tap up and down our body parts, from our feet to our ears, before shaking out any remaining stress.

Then she coached us, individually, as we took aim at our targets in sets of three.

“Breathe, zero in on your target, OK, now smooth …,” she said, hovering over one attendee.

May Claire La Plante, 31, said she was doing archery today, in an “adaptive stance” Fadel had taught her, to build up her arm strength after a surgery.

Kati Lee, right, and Tristan Gonzales affix their targets during a Mindful Archery class.

Kati Lee, right, and Tristan Gonzales affix their targets during a Mindful Archery class.

(Eric Thayer / Los Angeles Times)

Advertisement

“I was feeling very frustrated that I couldn’t get it at the beginning,” La Plante said. “I didn’t even finish my arrows. But getting back up and the act of trying again — despite the injury and all the baggage that comes with it — is really empowering.”

“Bull’s-eye!” Clipper cheered nearby, her anxiety seemingly dissipated. She’d hit her target, dead center. What was on it? A labyrinth-like spiral of words with “Peace,” “Love” and “Creative Control” at the epicenter.

I wasn’t having as much luck and was missing my target repeatedly.

“Try loosening your grip,” Fadel coached. She adjusted my stance. “Now breathe.”

Advertisement

It seemed counterintuitive to slacken my grip given such a precise goal — to land a slender arrow in the epicenter of a black dot. But I did, letting the edge of the bow sit loosely, even wobbly, between my fingers. I took aim and shot. This time the arrow flew strong and straight.

One participant hit the bull's-eye, which calls for "peace" and "love," dead center.

One participant hit the bull’s-eye, which calls for “peace” and “love,” dead center.

(Eric Thayer / Los Angeles Times)

Another round later and it landed smack on the paper target, just above my bull’s-eye.

“See?” Fadel said, elated. “Archery isn’t about doing it right, it’s about repetition. The more you can be in your body, and relaxed with the repetition, the better you are. Rarely do I have someone not hit their target at least one time.”

Advertisement

She squinted at my target, then turned to me.

“It’s because they’re relaxed and it’s because they trust me,” she added. “And they learn to trust themselves more.”

Continue Reading
Advertisement

Trending