Lifestyle
Lonely and depressed at 50, I launched my own midlife reboot
“Are you leaving again? ” I asked my husband, Rob, as he packed for his second trip with the guys in three weeks.
“Only for a few days.”
I could sense the elation he felt in escaping. He was heading out to chase ski runs, and I was staying home, taking care of the dogs and eating “girl dinners” alone. I hated that I wasn’t having fun adventures anymore. I didn’t give myself permission to pursue what interested me, partly because I had no idea what to pursue. How did people figure out what to do when their nests emptied out?
When I turned 50 in 2018, I was struggling with depression and any sense of feeling good in my body had been turned upside down. I was recovering from open-heart surgery, menopause was looming and I was losing a sense of purpose. For years I had set aside the writing goals I held dear and opted to put Rob and our blended family first, but in the quiet moments, I felt empty. Although I was tremendously grateful to have a spouse whose paycheck covered our needs, I felt there was something missing in my own personal development. I attempted to fill that emptiness through overeating or shopping, which left me feeling worse.
“I didn’t give myself permission to pursue what interested me, partly because I had no idea what to pursue. How did people figure out what to do when their nests emptied out?”
With my daughter in high school and entering a highly independent phase and Rob’s kids launched (this was a second marriage for us both), I wondered what was next. Suddenly it seemed like the built-in social structures I had leaned on in my 30s and 40s were evaporating in midlife. Volunteering at my daughter’s school was a thing of the past and the mom groups had long disbanded. My daughter needed me much less — and spent half her time at her dad’s. I realized that part of what I was feeling was loneliness.
It’s well known that loneliness can increase the risk of heart disease, dementia, stroke, anxiety and depression in older adults, but its negative effects are not limited to seniors. The surgeon general declared loneliness a nationwide epidemic last year. But for older generations in particular, research shows that friendship is important for slowing cognitive decline and has a host of other health benefits.
I wasn’t sure where to start, because it felt like so many shifts were happening at once, but I knew that being married wasn’t an automatic cure for loneliness. The relationship dynamics between Rob and me began to shift with age. Rob was a high achiever who worked hard and played hard, while I struggled to find my footing as a part-time writer. When I was younger, it felt natural to prioritize him and his needs as the breadwinner. But that got harder as I hit my late 40s.
In some ways I had stunted my own development in order to make my marriage succeed. I chose not to pursue work that might have been too demanding or taken me away from my family. Those choices felt like the right thing to do at the time, but I had no economic power. In counseling our couples therapist told me, “You need to do something about this inequality. Sometimes you need to grow apart before you can grow together.”
So I did something about it. I launched my own midlife reboot.
Tara Ellison volunteering at California Wildlife Center. Hand feeding offers care givers an opportunity to examine the sea lion and elephant seal pups without the stress of handling.
(California Wildlife Center)
Midlife occupies the intersection between how you’ve lived in the past and how you want to proceed going forward. In recent years, women have begun to rework the narrative around menopause, reimagining it as a type of coming home to oneself. The upside is the moment offers a chance for reinvention, an opportunity to chart a new course. I might have been up against a changing body and wacky hormones, plus a side of loneliness, but I was determined to rework that hand into something more favorable — even if I had no idea how.
I had to make peace with my body and better understand its needs. A prescription for more fresh air and sunshine, going for walks became essential for my mental health (especially during COVID). In order to feel my best, I paid closer attention to my hormones and hunted for a gynecologist interested in what happens to women beyond child-bearing years. That proved harder than I imagined, considering that menopause happens to half the population. Years ago, when I entered perimenopause, there weren’t resources for women on social media. The stigma attached to perimenopause meant nobody was going to own up to being on a downward slope (especially not in L.A.!) I had to learn to advocate for myself — and be a guinea pig — in order to manage my symptoms. It was a maddening journey but I learned a lot.
With the goal of meeting other women my age, I began attending book signings, workshops or menopause symposiums solo so that I would be forced to work through my social anxiety and make conversation. It’s fun to hear what other people are up to, and it turns out indulging in creative passions is high on their lists. One woman I know rediscovered her love of playing the piano; another spends her free time painting.
Sometimes it’s not as easy as falling back into an old hobby. “I spent all this time caring for my family and now I get time for myself — I just don’t know what to do with it,” one of my girlfriends in her 60s confided. Another friend shared that two years before her retirement she started carrying a notebook to which she added a note every time she found something she was interested in exploring. Once she retired, she started working her way through that list. Through these conversations I realized that, contrary to what society wants you to believe, the oldest women in the room are often the most interesting.
“Contrary to what society wants you to believe, the oldest women in the room are often the most interesting.”
Creativity was an important part of my reboot, but I also wanted to devote my time to something larger. Studies have confirmed that being of service or volunteering can be a vital step on the path to happiness and satisfaction. After discovering an injured sea lion on a beach in Malibu, I met Heather Henderson, the marine program manager at California Wildlife Center in Calabasas, and began volunteering with its marine mammal rescue division. The organization rescues and rehabilitates sea lions and elephant seal pups. The pups arrive skinny and malnourished, receive care and medical treatment and are released.
“It’s not glamorous work; you might not like it,” one of the volunteers warned me in the beginning. He was right; some of it is really gross. But sometimes you don’t know what you’re made of until you’re tested. There’s a lot of cleaning equipment, chopping frozen fish for fish smoothies and scrubbing slimy pinniped poop out of the pens. It’s now a normal occurrence for me to find fish scales buried in my sports bra. But I’ve found that some of the mundane chores are relaxing and make me feel more present. I stop worrying about the declining health of my mother and other pressing issues when faced with the task of hand-feeding a young elephant seal.
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1. Resting in the sun promotes healthy skin. (Tara Ellison) 2. Once swallowing well, the elephant seal patients are ready to start feeding in the pool. (California Wildlife Center)
I was surprised to find that many other volunteers also were middle-aged.
“Due to the physical nature of the job, there is a common misconception that to be successful one must be young,” said Henderson. She estimates about 35% of the active rescue and rehabilitation team are 45 years plus.
“It has been rewarding to know that I remain relevant and necessary beyond the needs of my family,” one of my fellow volunteers, Debra Loggia, told me. At 64 she estimates she’s one of the oldest volunteers at CWC, but she takes pride in knowing she’s also one of the strongest. I understand what she means. Doing this work for six seasons has given me a new confidence, plus a sense of purpose and community.
Now, six years into this reboot, I occupy a completely different emotional space. I’m far less dependent. Through identifying my interests, expanding my community and pursuing new work opportunities, I’ve effectively outsourced my happiness.
Without the weight of expectation, my relationship has thrived. I’m more engaged in what I’m doing. On volunteer days I come home full of stories of tube-feeding elephant seals. Because work has picked up — I’m in the process of writing a book and a screenplay — I sometimes have to prioritize those deadlines, even when it’s inconvenient. Rob has been supportive throughout this process, largely because I’m a lot more fun. By pushing through a stretch of listless loneliness and embracing my fears, this midlife crisis ended up blooming into a midlife renaissance.
It’s not all perfect. I still get lonely and have days when I’m down, or need to lower my expectations. There’s a certain amount of melancholy about aging that I can’t simply jettison. But it doesn’t upend me anymore — I still surprise myself.
“You’re leaving me,” Rob said as he watched me pack for a short trip with a girlfriend.
“It’s only for two nights,” I said. “I’ll be back before you know it.”
“I’ll still miss you,” he said. And I believed him.
Tara Ellison writes about relationships and the challenges and triumphs of midlife. She’s currently working on a memoir.
Lifestyle
Make Way for the Investment Bank Influencers
It’s 5:30 a.m. Allison Sheehan switches on the light in the bathroom of her New York City apartment and stretches in front of the mirror. “Welcome back to another morning in the life of an ‘investment baker,’ which means someone who works at an investment bank but also makes cakes,” she says at the beginning of the video, which she uploaded to TikTok in early 2025.
Tying an apron over her pajamas, Ms. Sheehan, now 26, proceeds to pipe lilac buttercream ruffles on a heart-shaped funfetti cake she had baked the night before.
At 6:50, she heads to the gym, filming herself doing crunches before heading home to shower, put on makeup and pick out an outfit. By 8:20, Ms. Sheehan heads to her wealth management job, at Goldman Sachs (she didn’t reveal the name of the bank in her videos while employed there).
In 2023, Ms. Sheehan, who has since made cakes for brands including Goop and LoveShackFancy as well as the model Gigi Hadid, was posting on social media as “The Investment Baker,” a persona she created for her custom-cake business, Alleycat.
On her Investment Baker Instagram and TikTok pages, Ms. Sheehan posted familiar influencer content like “What I eat in a week” and day-in-the-life videos, along with breakdowns of her corporate wardrobe. At the time, her DMs were inundated both with cake orders and with young women seeking advice on how to break into finance.
The finance industry remains one of the most sought-after sectors for college graduates. In 2025, Goldman Sachs saw 360,000 students competing for just 2,600 internships — up 15 percent from the previous year. It has also historically insisted that employees maintain a low profile on the internet. Ms. Sheehan was careful never to disclose the bank at which she worked in her videos, and she never filmed herself in the office, per her employer’s rules. In fact, she never discussed finance much at all. Still, the tension between the “two worlds of baking and being a financier was the whole allure,” Ms. Sheehan said.
Yet Ms. Sheehan was informed that her baking content was seen as a “reputational risk” for the firm. She was instructed to delete every post on her TikTok and Instagram and to change her handle so that it made no reference to the word “investment.” When Ms. Sheehan drew comparisons to the firm’s chief executive, David Solomon, who moonlights as a D.J., she was told she could not compare herself to him. She pushed back, saying that the firm’s policy should apply to everyone. “It doesn’t work like that,” she said she was told.
Like Ms. Sheehan, Sahilee Waitman, 28, used the fact of her employment at an investment bank as a hook for her TikTok videos. Ms. Waitman moved to New York City from Amsterdam to work in compliance at an investment bank in 2023. She soon started posting day-in-the-life content, detailing everything from her workouts to what she ate for lunch, with the goal of building financial autonomy outside her corporate role. Both women were clear that while they worked at investment banks, they were not investment bankers, often a point of contention or confusion in the comments section.
The New York Times reached out to many of the investment bank employees on TikTok, but they declined to comment for this article, fearing the risk to their reputation. The New York Times also reached out to 14 different banks, among them Goldman Sachs, but none responded to requests for comment regarding the matter of social media use among employees.
Despite these fears, investment banking content is going viral across social media. Nearly 60,400 videos tagged #investmentbanking have appeared on TikTok in recent years. Time-stamped 100-hour work weeks and late-night keyboard A.S.M.R. regularly draw hundreds of thousands of views on TikTok. Part of the appeal is that influencers offer a more realistic depiction of the world of work than can be gleaned from shows like “Industry” on HBO or from actual recruitment events.
Ms. Sheehan was determined to show that even bankers could have a life outside work. In October 2024, a year after posting her first video, a meeting with her manager appeared unexpectedly on Ms. Sheehan’s calendar. At first, she thought it might be good news. But the excitement was short-lived when she was greeted by three compliance officers. “We see you have an online persona called ‘The Investment Baker,’” she recalled them saying.
At present, there is no widely agreed-upon policy regarding employees’ personal social media use. The Financial Industry Regulatory Authority, the largest independent regulator for brokerage firms in the United States, and the Securities and Exchange Commission, a government agency that regulates the entire U.S. securities industry, have rules and guidance dictating that employees cannot share any information that is deemed confidential or in any way sensitive. But how firms apply their own internal policy is at their discretion.
Hannah Awonuga, the former head of colleague engagement at Barclays U.K. and a cultural transformation and inclusion consultant, sees both parties as at risk. Employees might find themselves on the wrong side of human resources. For employers, “once you allow staff to post freely,” she said, “you run the risk that they might express an opinion on a Saturday that goes against your values.”
For decades, “workism” — the belief that work is central to one’s identity — has infiltrated the American ethos, particularly for many city dwellers, whose hobbies and leisure activities can fall by the wayside. Increasingly, younger workers are pushing back, demanding a healthier work-life balance and actively working to decouple their identity from their careers.
The world of high finance is one of the last sectors to catch up. “Once you work in these industries,” Ms. Waitman said, “you’re essentially taught to choose one lane.” You are either a “serious professional,” she said, or a “creative.” “I just don’t believe those things are mutually exclusive,” she added.
Ms. Waitman, who is Black, hoped that by posting on TikTok, she would be promoting diversity in the industry. She received the occasional negative comment, insisting she must be a “secretary,” but a majority of her messages were positive, she said, and came from other women seeking her advice about pursuing careers in finance.
At the time, Ms. Waitman did not receive pushback from her employer on her videos, though she made sure to declare any outside business activity to compliance and her director. “I think firms are just now catching on to this,” Ms. Waitman said. “Once they find out, you have compliance on your neck.”
A recent glossy fashion spread in Interview Magazine entitled “Meet the Finest Boys in Finance” highlighted what can happen when young finance professionals attract the wrong kind of publicity. The designer-heavy photo shoot was mocked and meme-ified online for violating Wall Street’s sacrosanct rule against flashiness.
Across social media, some women were quick to point out the double standard at play. “But women get fired from Goldman for being influencers …” read one comment left on a TikTok video about the spread.
In fact, many of the people posting influencer-like content are young women, which is at odds with the traditionally male-dominated world of high finance.
A spokesperson for Goldman Sachs told Bloomberg that the interviews in Interview Magazine were not approved by the firm.
After the compliance meeting, Ms. Sheehan did as she was instructed and archived all her social media posts. Three months later, though, she put them back up. “I didn’t see my posts as a violation of the bylaws,” she said. Immediately, another meeting with compliance landed on her calendar. This time, her cake business was taking off, and Ms. Sheehan decided to hand in her resignation. (Goldman Sachs did not respond to requests for comment.)
As banks are forced to iron out their policies in an ever more online world, workers sharing the minutiae of their days is likely to become an increasing headache for compliance. “If you have five followers, there’s no need to make anyone aware,” Ms. Awonuga said. But, she added, “as more Gen Z’s come into the workplace and grow in their roles, I just don’t know how feasible it becomes to say you’re not allowed a social media presence.”
Ms. Sheehan, meanwhile, has no regrets. “I cannot believe,” she said, “that they were concerned about me making pink cakes when people are insider trading.”
Lifestyle
She’s the so-called Womb Witch of L.A. Here’s why her clients keep returning
Leigh McDaniel always knew she was destined to become a witch. Growing up in Hawaii, she came from a long line of “kitchen witches,” she explains — women who intuited measurements, spices and when a cake was done from the next room. “There was always a part of me that was like: Yeah, I’m a witch,” says McDaniel from her California sun-soaked studio.
Today, McDaniel — who calls herself a “womb witch”— practices a different kind of magic: pelvic care bodywork. Based in a bright studio in Glendale, McDaniel serves clients of all genders. Before each session, McDaniel invites clients to share their personal histories, and then McDaniel performs bodywork through touch as sage smoke curls in the air.
“A person who left today had their first session and was like, ‘I’m so much lighter in my body,’” McDaniel says.
McDaniel’s work is rooted in holistic pelvic health and touch therapy, which she discovered after giving birth to her second child at age 46. Before her daughter was born, McDaniel says she met her in a dream. The child introduced herself as “Luna.” The name stuck. After her birth, McDaniel theorized that her daughter had “reorganized her pelvic bowl.” When she sought out answers from her midwife and OB-GYN, they were dismissive; the experience prompted her to explore alternative care.
“It sent me down a few rabbit holes,” McDaniel says. “Previously, I had studied naturopathy with the intention of going to a naturopathic school — herbalism, Reiki and light touch therapy.”
Leigh McDaniel says that after one session her clients often feel an immediate shift in their bodies.
(Dania Maxwell / For The Times)
While body wisdom and alternative healing are framed as part of the Goop-conscious modern wellness movement, McDaniel explains that these practices are not new. She cites Ubuntu, a South African philosophy that informs her healing approach. “Indigenous practices knew how to hold people in trauma,” she says. “We’re only just beginning to figure it out.”
After an explanation of the nervous system, consent and the pelvic floor, her sessions begin with McDaniel burning sage or mugwort while the client is on the table. She asks for consent before touching the client and offers a prayer or blessing. McDaniel explains she’s feeling for energy before moving on to the abdomen, where she applies various levels of pressure. She compares it to a guided meditation as she incorporates breathwork while asking clients to breathe into her fingers. She emphasizes that the client controls the pace and asks for consent at each step.
“I think consent and boundaries are so critical to taking care of your body,” she says.
The intimate nature of McDaniel’s practice has garnered attention — and occasional skepticism. Comedian Ali Macofsky, for example, says with a smile, “I go in person to this womb witch,” on “The Endless Honeymoon” podcast. The hosts are baffled and intrigued. Macofsky adds, “It feels very old school the way women have to go through things.”
Macofsky discovered Leigh through actor and comedian Syd Steinberg who highly recommended her work. “I went to help with some CPTSD [complex post-traumatic stress disorder] and TMJ [temporomandibular joint] pain and she helped,” says Steinberg. “She really is a miracle worker.”
Macofsky was intrigued by the whimsical title of “Womb Witch.” “I was like, I’ll make an appointment and see what happens.” After a phone call, McDaniel explained that she helped clients with physical intimacy and sexual trauma through bodywork. The comedian was hooked.
Macofsky notes that in a culture where female pleasure is not prioritized, it’s hard to know where to seek advice. After a session with Leigh where she discussed advocating for oneself sexually, Macofsky began to see the results take hold in surprising ways. “It’s helping me in other areas where normally I’d be uncomfortable to advocate for myself or speak up about what I want.”
Clients seek out the womb witch for a variety of reasons. Some report physical discomfort during sexual encounters, while others come after experiencing sexual assault, abuse or consent violation. At other times, clients may experience stiffness or pain that McDaniel believes may be a reaction to trauma.
Her session also focuses on sexual health. McDaniel gives her clients a tutorial on pleasure anatomy and consent, most recently teaching sexual health lessons to a gathering in Silver Lake. “I like to show a lot about the pleasure anatomy, the mobility of the uterus, and where the cervix is at different times of the month,” she explains.
McDaniel argues that pleasure is an important part of daily life. “Female pleasure is finally being noticed,” she says. “Pleasure is a birthright. There’s pleasure and there’s grief. To be full-spectrum humans, we need to be feeling pleasure.” McDaniel cites that recent studies claim the clitoris has 10,000 nerve endings.
Leigh McDaniel holds a bowl of coconut and castor oil that she often uses with clients.
(Dania Maxwell / For The Times)
McDaniel says that everyday stress — including sexual harassment and misogyny — manifests in the body, often leading to chronic pain. “In patriarchy, the comments land in your body, and you find yourself bracing every time you pass them,” she says. “They can seem so small and harmless, but even those little things add up. They’re felt. It’s part of feeling unsafe in the world.”
Though many people struggle to navigate the American healthcare system, more Americans are turning to a spiritual wellness approach. The National Institutes of Health reports that holistic care methods such as meditation, acupuncture and yoga have grown significantly in recent years. Ancient Chinese medicine techniques have gone viral on TikTok, capturing the attention of Gen Z. “People are more willing to look outside the Western medicine model,” McDaniel explains. “I have people that come here to see me because of medical trauma too.”
Dr. Tanaz R. Ferzandi, director of urogynecology and reconstructive pelvic surgery at Keck Medicine of USC, believes that holistic medicine can be a potent adjunct to more traditional remedies. She has recommended acupuncture to her patients who have experienced sexual trauma. “The whole idea of acupuncture is you’re lying there, and coming to peace with yourself and your body,” she explains. “It’s a forced therapy where you can be alone with yourself and shut out the rest of the world.”
Simultaneously, Ferzandi believes a healthy amount of skepticism is good. “We have to stay scientific — what’s the evidence behind it? As long as women understand that we don’t know if there’s data to support some of the things they’re doing,” she says. “I’m very cautious about touting certain things that are somehow going to be a panacea.”
McDaniel’s explains its rare she encounters skeptics at her practice. “I never try to convince anyone to come in for a session,” she says. “There are scientific studies on the efficacy of different types of work that are adjacent to, or similar to what I do, but nothing exact.”
She acknowledges elements of her work are difficult to quantify. “There is also a mysterious space between bodies, the client and myself, where something happens that I cannot really explain, but it feels magical,” she says. “I don’t think any of this would convince anyone who is inherently skeptical though.”
McDaniel views her daughter Luna’s birth as the inciting incident into her true calling — becoming the “Womb Witch.” “Everything that happened to my own body after her birth, it was a calling to do this,” she says. “I’ve done so many things, and this is the first time I really feel settled in what I do.”
Lifestyle
N.F.L. Style Will Never Beat N.B.A. Style
You want to see some real fashion ingenuity? Watch the N.F.L. draft.
I’m not saying it’s all good, but where else are you going to see someone in a double-breasted suit made by a company better known for making yoga pants? Or an Abercrombie & Fitch suit jacket so short that it exposes the belt loops on the pants beneath?
On the whole, the style on display at the N.F.L. draft last night was very overeager senior formal: a lot of suits in colors beyond basic blue. The quarterback Ty Simpson wore a custom suit by the athleisure label Alo, which, I have to say, looked better than I would have envisioned had you said the words “Alo Yoga suit” to me.
I thought it might have been from Suitsupply, but the conspicuous “Alo” pin on his right lapel put that idea to rest. Simpson, smartly, unfastened that beacon before appearing onstage as the 13th pick to the Los Angeles Rams. He had, perhaps, satisfied his contractual obligations by that point.
Earlier in the evening, as the wide receiver Carnell Tate threw up his arms in exaltation after being picked fourth by the Tennessee Titans, his cropped Abercrombie & Fitch jacket revealed a swatch of rib cage. He looked like a mâitre d’ who had just hit the Mega Millions.
During the N.B.A.’s extended fashion awakening, its draft has become a sandbox for luxury brands to cozy up to would-be endorsers. The Frenchman Victor Wembanyama broke a kind of cashmere ceiling when he wore Louis Vuitton to go first overall in the 2023 N.B.A. draft.
The N.F.L. draft has none of that. The brands you see are often not brands at all, but custom tailors that reach the league’s neophytes through a whisper network among players. The draft is also a platform to raise the curtain on longer-term brand deals that better suit these rookies. We may, for instance, never see Simpson in a suit again. Nearly every photo from his time at Alabama shows him in a T-shirt or hoodie. It makes sense for him to sign with Alo.
Football is the most mainstream of American cultural entities. And it’s one that still hasn’t, in spite of the league’s best efforts, taken off overseas. Few players, save some quarterbacks and a tight end who happens to be engaged to a pop star, feel bigger than the game itself. If you’re a new-to-the-league linebacker, you’ll most likely never harness the star power to grab the attention of Armani, but you might have just the right pull for Abercrombie.
The N.F.L. draft is therefore one of the few red carpets where the brands worn by the athletes may also be worn by those watching at home. How many people watching the Oscars will ever own clothes from Louis Vuitton or Chanel? People may comment online about Lady Gaga wearing Matières Fécales to the Grammys, but how many of those fans and viewers could afford to buy clothes from it?
The Japanese designers changing fashion
Yesterday, I published a deep dive into how a newish crop of Japanese designers are soaking up all the attention in men’s fashion right now. This was a piece I was writing in my head long before I sat down and finally started typing. I remember sitting at a fashion show in Paris over a year ago — I believe it was Dior — and being asked by my seatmate if I’d made it over to a showroom in the Marais to check out A.Presse. That Tokyo-based brand is now part of a vanguard of Japanese labels that, on many days, seems to be all anyone in fashion wants to talk about. I spent months talking with designers, store owners and big-time shoppers to make sense of why these brands have kicked up so much buzz and, more than that, what makes their clothes so great. You can read the story here.
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