Lifestyle
Lonely and depressed at 50, I launched my own midlife reboot
“Are you leaving again? ” I asked my husband, Rob, as he packed for his second trip with the guys in three weeks.
“Only for a few days.”
I could sense the elation he felt in escaping. He was heading out to chase ski runs, and I was staying home, taking care of the dogs and eating “girl dinners” alone. I hated that I wasn’t having fun adventures anymore. I didn’t give myself permission to pursue what interested me, partly because I had no idea what to pursue. How did people figure out what to do when their nests emptied out?
When I turned 50 in 2018, I was struggling with depression and any sense of feeling good in my body had been turned upside down. I was recovering from open-heart surgery, menopause was looming and I was losing a sense of purpose. For years I had set aside the writing goals I held dear and opted to put Rob and our blended family first, but in the quiet moments, I felt empty. Although I was tremendously grateful to have a spouse whose paycheck covered our needs, I felt there was something missing in my own personal development. I attempted to fill that emptiness through overeating or shopping, which left me feeling worse.
“I didn’t give myself permission to pursue what interested me, partly because I had no idea what to pursue. How did people figure out what to do when their nests emptied out?”
With my daughter in high school and entering a highly independent phase and Rob’s kids launched (this was a second marriage for us both), I wondered what was next. Suddenly it seemed like the built-in social structures I had leaned on in my 30s and 40s were evaporating in midlife. Volunteering at my daughter’s school was a thing of the past and the mom groups had long disbanded. My daughter needed me much less — and spent half her time at her dad’s. I realized that part of what I was feeling was loneliness.
It’s well known that loneliness can increase the risk of heart disease, dementia, stroke, anxiety and depression in older adults, but its negative effects are not limited to seniors. The surgeon general declared loneliness a nationwide epidemic last year. But for older generations in particular, research shows that friendship is important for slowing cognitive decline and has a host of other health benefits.
I wasn’t sure where to start, because it felt like so many shifts were happening at once, but I knew that being married wasn’t an automatic cure for loneliness. The relationship dynamics between Rob and me began to shift with age. Rob was a high achiever who worked hard and played hard, while I struggled to find my footing as a part-time writer. When I was younger, it felt natural to prioritize him and his needs as the breadwinner. But that got harder as I hit my late 40s.
In some ways I had stunted my own development in order to make my marriage succeed. I chose not to pursue work that might have been too demanding or taken me away from my family. Those choices felt like the right thing to do at the time, but I had no economic power. In counseling our couples therapist told me, “You need to do something about this inequality. Sometimes you need to grow apart before you can grow together.”
So I did something about it. I launched my own midlife reboot.
Tara Ellison volunteering at California Wildlife Center. Hand feeding offers care givers an opportunity to examine the sea lion and elephant seal pups without the stress of handling.
(California Wildlife Center)
Midlife occupies the intersection between how you’ve lived in the past and how you want to proceed going forward. In recent years, women have begun to rework the narrative around menopause, reimagining it as a type of coming home to oneself. The upside is the moment offers a chance for reinvention, an opportunity to chart a new course. I might have been up against a changing body and wacky hormones, plus a side of loneliness, but I was determined to rework that hand into something more favorable — even if I had no idea how.
I had to make peace with my body and better understand its needs. A prescription for more fresh air and sunshine, going for walks became essential for my mental health (especially during COVID). In order to feel my best, I paid closer attention to my hormones and hunted for a gynecologist interested in what happens to women beyond child-bearing years. That proved harder than I imagined, considering that menopause happens to half the population. Years ago, when I entered perimenopause, there weren’t resources for women on social media. The stigma attached to perimenopause meant nobody was going to own up to being on a downward slope (especially not in L.A.!) I had to learn to advocate for myself — and be a guinea pig — in order to manage my symptoms. It was a maddening journey but I learned a lot.
With the goal of meeting other women my age, I began attending book signings, workshops or menopause symposiums solo so that I would be forced to work through my social anxiety and make conversation. It’s fun to hear what other people are up to, and it turns out indulging in creative passions is high on their lists. One woman I know rediscovered her love of playing the piano; another spends her free time painting.
Sometimes it’s not as easy as falling back into an old hobby. “I spent all this time caring for my family and now I get time for myself — I just don’t know what to do with it,” one of my girlfriends in her 60s confided. Another friend shared that two years before her retirement she started carrying a notebook to which she added a note every time she found something she was interested in exploring. Once she retired, she started working her way through that list. Through these conversations I realized that, contrary to what society wants you to believe, the oldest women in the room are often the most interesting.
“Contrary to what society wants you to believe, the oldest women in the room are often the most interesting.”
Creativity was an important part of my reboot, but I also wanted to devote my time to something larger. Studies have confirmed that being of service or volunteering can be a vital step on the path to happiness and satisfaction. After discovering an injured sea lion on a beach in Malibu, I met Heather Henderson, the marine program manager at California Wildlife Center in Calabasas, and began volunteering with its marine mammal rescue division. The organization rescues and rehabilitates sea lions and elephant seal pups. The pups arrive skinny and malnourished, receive care and medical treatment and are released.
“It’s not glamorous work; you might not like it,” one of the volunteers warned me in the beginning. He was right; some of it is really gross. But sometimes you don’t know what you’re made of until you’re tested. There’s a lot of cleaning equipment, chopping frozen fish for fish smoothies and scrubbing slimy pinniped poop out of the pens. It’s now a normal occurrence for me to find fish scales buried in my sports bra. But I’ve found that some of the mundane chores are relaxing and make me feel more present. I stop worrying about the declining health of my mother and other pressing issues when faced with the task of hand-feeding a young elephant seal.
1
2
1. Resting in the sun promotes healthy skin. (Tara Ellison) 2. Once swallowing well, the elephant seal patients are ready to start feeding in the pool. (California Wildlife Center)
I was surprised to find that many other volunteers also were middle-aged.
“Due to the physical nature of the job, there is a common misconception that to be successful one must be young,” said Henderson. She estimates about 35% of the active rescue and rehabilitation team are 45 years plus.
“It has been rewarding to know that I remain relevant and necessary beyond the needs of my family,” one of my fellow volunteers, Debra Loggia, told me. At 64 she estimates she’s one of the oldest volunteers at CWC, but she takes pride in knowing she’s also one of the strongest. I understand what she means. Doing this work for six seasons has given me a new confidence, plus a sense of purpose and community.
Now, six years into this reboot, I occupy a completely different emotional space. I’m far less dependent. Through identifying my interests, expanding my community and pursuing new work opportunities, I’ve effectively outsourced my happiness.
Without the weight of expectation, my relationship has thrived. I’m more engaged in what I’m doing. On volunteer days I come home full of stories of tube-feeding elephant seals. Because work has picked up — I’m in the process of writing a book and a screenplay — I sometimes have to prioritize those deadlines, even when it’s inconvenient. Rob has been supportive throughout this process, largely because I’m a lot more fun. By pushing through a stretch of listless loneliness and embracing my fears, this midlife crisis ended up blooming into a midlife renaissance.
It’s not all perfect. I still get lonely and have days when I’m down, or need to lower my expectations. There’s a certain amount of melancholy about aging that I can’t simply jettison. But it doesn’t upend me anymore — I still surprise myself.
“You’re leaving me,” Rob said as he watched me pack for a short trip with a girlfriend.
“It’s only for two nights,” I said. “I’ll be back before you know it.”
“I’ll still miss you,” he said. And I believed him.
Tara Ellison writes about relationships and the challenges and triumphs of midlife. She’s currently working on a memoir.
Lifestyle
If you loved ‘Sinners,’ here’s what to watch next
Michael B. Jordan plays twin brothers Smoke and Stack in Sinners.
Warner Bros. Pictures
hide caption
toggle caption
Warner Bros. Pictures
Ryan Coogler’s supernatural horror stars Michael B. Jordan playing twin brothers who open a 1930s juke joint in Mississippi. Opening night does not go as planned when vampires appear outside. “In a straightforward metaphor for all the ways Black culture has been co-opted by whiteness, the raucous pleasures and sonic beauty of the juke joint attract the interest of a trio of demons … they wish to literally leech off of the talents and energy of Black folks,” writes critic Aisha Harris. The film made history with a record 16 Academy Award nominations.


We asked our NPR audience: What movie would you recommend to someone who loved Sinners? Here’s what you told us:
Near Dark (1987)
Directed by Kathryn Bigelow; starring Adrian Pasdar, Jenny Wright, Lance Henriksen
If you want another cool vampire movie with Western kind of vibes, check out Kathryn Bigelow’s Near Dark — super underseen and kind of hard to find, but really gritty and sexy and another very different take on what you might think is a genre that had been wrung dry. – Maggie Grossman, Chicago, Ill.
30 Days of Night (2007)
Directed by David Slade; starring Josh Hartnett, Melissa George, Danny Huston
It follows a group of people in a small Alaskan town as they struggle to survive an invasion of vampires who have taken advantage of the month-long absence of the sun. Both this and Sinners revolve around a vampire takeover and the people’s fight to outlast the “night.” – Nathan Strzelewicz, DeWitt, Mich.
The Wailing (2016)
Directed by Na Hong-jin; starring Kwak Do-won, Hwang Jung-min, Chun Woo-hee, Jun Kunimura
In this South Korean supernatural horror film, a mysterious illness causes people in a quiet rural village to become violent and murderous. A local police officer investigates while trying to save his daughter, who begins showing the same disturbing symptoms. The film blends folk horror, religion, and psychological dread, exploring themes of faith, evil, and moral weakness. Like Sinners, it centers on a supernatural force corrupting a close-knit community, builds slow-burning tension, and examines spiritual conflict and human frailty. – Amy Merke, Bronx, N.Y.
Fréwaka (2024)
Directed by Aislinn Clarke; starring Bríd Ní Neachtain, Clare Monnelly, Aleksandra Bystrzhitskaya
In this Irish folk horror film, a home care worker, Shoo, is assigned to stay with an elderly woman who’s convinced she’s under siege by malevolent fairies. Like Sinners, Fréwaka blends folk traditions and social commentary with horror. The social failures Shoo copes with (untreated mental health issues, religious abuse) are just as frightening as the supernatural forces. – Kerrin Smith, Baltimore, Md.
And a bonus pick from our critic:
Ma Rainey’s Black Bottom (2020)
Directed by George C. Wolfe; starring Viola Davis, Chadwick Boseman, Glynn Turman
This is an adaptation of August Wilson’s play about a legendary blues singer (Viola Davis) muscling through a recording session with white producers who want to control her music. Chadwick Boseman’s blistering in his final role. – Bob Mondello, NPR movie critic
Carly Rubin and Ivy Buck contributed to this project. It was edited by Clare Lombardo.
Lifestyle
Solar energy for renters has taken off in 10 states. Not in California
The tiny town of West Goshen, Calif., was exactly the kind of place that community solar was designed for.
Near Visalia, most of its 500 residents live in mobile homes, where companies won’t install rooftop panels without a solid foundation. And until recently, they used propane for heating and cooking, with price fluctuations in the winter posing hardships for low-income families.
Community solar, in which residents get a discount on their bills for subscribing as a group to small solar arrays nearby, was designed to help low-income residents, apartment dwellers, renters and others who can’t put panels on their own roofs.
Over the last 11 years, New York, Maine, Minnesota, Massachusetts and other states have built thriving community solar programs. But California has built, at most, only 34 projects since 2015, and experts say that’s a generous accounting.
“We’ve had community solar for a dozen years, and it simply has not produced anything of scale and anything of note,” said Derek Chernow, director of Californians for Local, Affordable Solar and Storage, a developer trade group that’s pushing to get a more robust program off the ground. “Projects don’t pencil out.”
The West Goshen residents were among the lucky few, becoming part of a community solar project in 2024.
“It has kind of allowed us to kind of breathe a little bit,” said resident and community organizer Melinda Metheney. Her bill has dropped by about $300 in the summer months, thanks to the 20% community solar discount, stacked with other low-income discounts and clean energy incentives, she said.
West Goshen’s panels sit about 10 miles out of town, in a field surrounded by farms. Energy and climate experts agree California must add much more clean energy to its grid, some 6 gigawatts by 2032, the California Public Utilities Commission said in a new plan last week.
Assemblymember Christopher M. Ward (D-San Diego), who in 2022 authored a bill to create a more effective community solar program, said the state needs to double its annual solar installation rate to reach that goal and is not on track to do that using only large utility-scale solar farms and individual rooftop arrays.
“We need mid-scale community solar,” he said.
Energy and climate experts agree California must add much more clean energy to its grid, some 6 gigawatts by 2032, the California Public Utilities Commission said in a new plan last week. Above, solar panels at Extra Space Storage in Pico Rivera.
(Kayla Bartkowski / Los Angeles Times)
He and a coalition of environmental groups, solar developers and the Utility Reform Network, a ratepayer advocacy group, worked to put his 2022 law into effect. They coalesced around requiring utilities to pay community solar developers and customers for the electricity they feed to the grid using the same formula they use for people who install rooftop solar.
But in May 2024, the California Public Utilities Commission decided to go with a late-in-the-game proposal backed by the state’s investor-owned utilities to pay community solar at a lower rate.
The agency, along with its public advocate’s office, argued that crediting solar developers at the higher rate would raise bills for customers who don’t have solar, who would still have to shoulder the cost of grid maintenance. It’s similar to the argument they’ve made to cut incentives for rooftop solar.
The new program relied on federal money, including the Biden administration’s Solar for All, to sweeten the deal for developers. But the utilities commission spent very little of the $250 million available under that grant before the Trump administration tried to claw it back last summer, and now it is held up in litigation.
At a legislative oversight hearing last week, Kerry Fleisher, the commission’s director of distributed energy resources, blamed the loss for the new program’s failure to launch.
“There’s been a tremendous amount of uncertainty in terms of the Solar for All funding that was intended to supplement this program,” Fleisher said. “That’s part of the reason why this has taken longer than normal.” She said the commission still plans to release a program in the next several months.
Ward, the San Diego lawmaker who wrote the community solar bill, called the program “fatally flawed” in an interview.
He’s now considering a bill to bring the community solar program more in line with what he initially envisioned — higher incentives, requirements for battery storage, and compliance with state law that mandates new houses be built with solar.
A study last year funded by a solar trade group found that could save California’s electric system $6.5 billion over 20 years. But Ward’s effort to revive his program last year failed to pass the Assembly appropriations committee.
“All the other states in our country that have adopted similar community solar program models, they are working,” said Ward, adding that 22 states have programs comparable to the one solar advocates want in California. “The writing on the wall suggests that, exactly as we feared years ago, this was not the way to go.”
California Public Utilities Commission spokesperson Terrie Prosper called California “a leader in cost-effective, least-cost solar deployment overall compared to any other state,” in an emailed statement.
Under the commission’s definition, the state has brought on 34 projects, representing 235 megawatts of community solar. But studies from groups such as the Institute for Local Self-Reliance and Wood Mackenzie use different definitions for community solar, and they show California far behind at least 10 other states.
Meanwhile, advocates and developers involved in successful community solar projects in California say they were difficult to get off the ground.
Homes in the Avocado Heights area of Los Angeles County are part of a community solar project.
(Kayla Bartkowski / Los Angeles Times)
One that came online in May in the unincorporated communities of Bassett and Avocado Heights in the San Gabriel Valley provides solar electricity to about 400 low-income residents. They get 20% discounts on their electric bills for subscribing to panels installed on two Extra Space Storage building rooftops in Pico Rivera.
Organizers said it took nearly five years to find the right location and comply with utility requirements. They also got a grant in addition to funding provided by the state utilities commission’s solar program.
It “would not have happened if it hadn’t been for the grant,” said Genaro Bugarin, a director at the Energy Coalition nonprofit that proposed and coordinated the project.
Brandon Smithwood, vice president of policy at Dimension Energy, the developer for the project in West Goshen, said he still hopes to see a community solar program in California that compensates projects for the way they help out the grid.
“We’ve seen it can work, and we know what we have won’t work,” Smithwood said at the hearing.
Lifestyle
Mundane, magic, maybe both — a new book explores ‘The Writer’s Room’
There’s a three-story house in Baltimore that looks a bit imposing. You walk up the stone steps before even getting up to the porch, and then you enter the door and you’re greeted with a glass case of literary awards. It’s The Clifton House, formerly home of Lucille Clifton.
The National Book Award-winning poet lived there with her husband, Fred, starting in 1967 until the bank foreclosed on the house in 1980. Clifton’s daughter, Sidney Clifton, has since revived the house and turned it into a cultural hub, hosting artists, readings, workshops and more. But even during a February visit, in the mid-afternoon with no organized events on, the house feels full.
The corner of Lucille Clifton’s bedroom, where she would wake up and write in the mornings
Andrew Limbong/NPR
hide caption
toggle caption
Andrew Limbong/NPR
“There’s a presence here,” Clifton House Executive Director Joël Díaz told me. “There’s a presence here that sits at attention.”
Sometimes, rooms where famous writers worked can be places of ineffable magic. Other times, they can just be rooms.
Princeton University Press
Katie da Cunha Lewin is the author of the new book, The Writer’s Room: The Hidden Worlds That Shape the Books We Love, which explores the appeal of these rooms. Lewin is a big Virginia Woolf fan, and the very first place Lewin visited working on the book was Monk’s House — Woolf’s summer home in Sussex, England. On the way there, there were dreams of seeing Woolf’s desk, of retracing Woolf’s steps and imagining what her creative process would feel like. It turned out to be a bit of a disappointment for Lewin — everything interesting was behind glass, she said. Still, in the book Lewin writes about how she took a picture of the room and saved it on her phone, going back to check it and re-check it, “in the hope it would allow me some of its magic.”
Let’s be real, writing is a little boring. Unlike a band on fire in the recording studio, or a painter possessed in their studio, the visual image of a writer sitting at a desk click-clacking away at a keyboard or scribbling on a piece of paper isn’t particularly exciting. And yet, the myth of the writer’s room continues to enrapture us. You can head to Massachusetts to see where Louisa May Alcott wrote Little Women. Or go down to Florida to visit the home of Zora Neale Hurston. Or book a stay at the Scott & Zelda Fitzgerald Museum in Alabama, where the famous couple lived for a time. But what, exactly, is the draw?

Lewin said in an interview that whenever she was at a book event or an author reading, an audience question about the writer’s writing space came up. And yes, some of this is basic fan-driven curiosity. But also “it started to occur to me that it was a central mystery about writing, as if writing is a magic thing that just happens rather than actually labor,” she said.
In a lot of ways, the book is a debunking of the myths we’re presented about writers in their rooms. She writes about the types of writers who couldn’t lock themselves in an office for hours on end, and instead had to find moments in-between to work on their art. She covers the writers who make a big show of their rooms, as a way to seem more writerly. She writes about writers who have had their homes and rooms preserved, versus the ones whose rooms have been lost to time and new real estate developments. The central argument of the book is that there is no magic formula to writing — that there is no daily to-do list to follow, no just-right office chair to buy in order to become a writer. You just have to write.
-
World1 week agoExclusive: DeepSeek withholds latest AI model from US chipmakers including Nvidia, sources say
-
Massachusetts1 week agoMother and daughter injured in Taunton house explosion
-
Wisconsin4 days agoSetting sail on iceboats across a frozen lake in Wisconsin
-
Maryland5 days agoAM showers Sunday in Maryland
-
Florida5 days agoFlorida man rescued after being stuck in shoulder-deep mud for days
-
Massachusetts3 days agoMassachusetts man awaits word from family in Iran after attacks
-
Denver, CO1 week ago10 acres charred, 5 injured in Thornton grass fire, evacuation orders lifted
-
Oregon6 days ago2026 OSAA Oregon Wrestling State Championship Results And Brackets – FloWrestling