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L.A. Affairs: Our passion began in a mosque. Could our forbidden love last?

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L.A. Affairs: Our passion began in a mosque. Could our forbidden love last?

“Wait, you dated her? She’s basically royalty,” said an old schoolmate of my first love when we realized our mutual connection. It was nearly a year after the breakup, but even hearing her name made my heart beat in staccato.

I was in my sophomore year at Scripps College in Claremont when our paths crossed for the first time. Trump’s inauguration and an air of accompanying pessimism hung in the air, so I combated my own doom through volunteering for our college consortium’s refugee advocacy network. During my first tutoring assignment, I couldn’t have looked more out of place. I’d never met a Muslim person before coming to college, and here I was, walking into the mosque in my skinny jeans with a tiny silver cross hanging around my neck.

It didn’t take long to notice one of the other volunteers, with her dark curly hair and tie-dye. She looked so at ease, and she was, cracking jokes with the moms in her native language and letting the kids strum on her guitar.

I was so anxious that day as I approached her, emboldened by her direct eye contact and easy smile. I was too shy and inexperienced to really make my interest known (plus, we were in a mosque after all). Still, we struck up a conversation about psychology, the subject in which we were both majoring. She saw past my nervousness (and my silver cross) and asked me if I wanted to get lunch together sometime.

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What started as a casual invitation turned into a month of text-flirting during winter break across the ocean (me in my hometown on the East Coast, her on the other side of the world). When we returned to California, the mutual crush was in full force. We fell into quick love, the kind that led to us spending all of our spare time together. In a matter of a few weeks, plenty of my clothes were in her closet, and she was teaching me how to ride her longboard. She told me: “I know that I really like you because sometimes I forget how to speak English around you.”

That spring semester was one of all of my important firsts. First love, first relationship, first time exploring Southern California as an adult. Every so often, we would brave the traffic from the Inland Empire to West Hollywood in her Porsche SUV. It was with her that I first saw the sparkling lights of downtown Los Angeles from her family home in the Bird Streets neighborhood. Who wouldn’t be smitten?

Recreational weed had just been legalized, so we’d get takeout ramen and hotbox her room after she turned off all the cameras within the house (security that she assured me was to protect her and her family but that put me at unease nonetheless).

Adding to the thrill of first love was the fact that it was a somewhat hidden relationship. But secrets are only sexy until they’re not. Her family’s prominence in her home country, the illegality of her sexuality there, my own closeted status — they created invisible walls around and between us. I remember the night she pulled me behind her car on the way into a sushi restaurant, her face pale with fear at the sight of men who might know her father.

Despite the obstacles, we were still in love by the end of the academic year. She graduated, and we drove out to Los Angeles for our last few days together before she flew back home with her parents. We strolled along Venice Beach in the morning and ate lunch on the Santa Monica Pier. The Pacific stretched out before us, vast and indifferent. I wonder if it knew it was witnessing our penultimate act. When it was time for me to finally depart, she dropped me off at Los Angeles International Airport, and as I watched her disappear into the traffic, I felt part of myself disappearing too.

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The end, when it came, was both catastrophic and achingly mundane. Stuck back in her home country with no way to return once her student visa had expired, she decided that long distance just wouldn’t work. For months, I cried so hard that I had strangers approach me to tell me that they would pray for me.

Eventually our planets crossed into each other’s orbit again — two years later. She was in L.A. for work, and I had just graduated. Time had passed but little had changed. We hiked Runyon Canyon, and our flirty conversation felt as easy as breathing. Ex-lover, lover — the labels blurred and shifted — and I felt like I hadn’t grown at all, still that same girl standing at the airport, watching her drive away. I knew then that this was no way to live, forever chasing after the same first spark.

During the years after our breakup, I had refused to really move on, which was precisely why I had to. It was time to cut the strings holding us together. I texted her: “i guess i kind of realized that i was still using you as a source of validation because i’m still insecure about a lot of things and until i can stop doing that i don’t think it’s healthy to keep you in my life.” A few lines on a screen, inadequate to express the complexity of what I was feeling, but true nonetheless.

I’ve fallen in love and experienced heartbreak several times since then. But nothing compares to the innocence of first love, that raw, unguarded vulnerability that comes before you learn how to protect yourself. There’s something beautiful about it, almost mythic in nature. Long after the love is over, its echoes remain, a reminder of who we once were and how far we’ve come.

The author is a writer and journalist based in Paris (though her heart is still in L.A.). She’s on Instagram @alien_angelbaby and Substack @postcardsfromdreamland.

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L.A. Affairs chronicles the search for romantic love in all its glorious expressions in the L.A. area, and we want to hear your true story. We pay $400 for a published essay. Email LAAffairs@latimes.com. You can find submission guidelines here. Editor’s note: L.A. Affairs won’t be published Dec. 13. You can find past columns here.

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‘Hamnet’ star Jessie Buckley looks for the ‘shadowy bits’ of her characters

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‘Hamnet’ star Jessie Buckley looks for the ‘shadowy bits’ of her characters

Jessie Buckley has been nominated for an Academy Award for best actress for her portrayal of William Shakespeare’s wife in Hamnet.

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Actor Jessie Buckley says she’s always been drawn to the “shadowy bits” of her characters — aspects that are disobedient, or “too much.” Perhaps that’s what led her to play Agnes, the wife of William Shakespeare, in Hamnet.

Buckley says the film, which is based on Maggie O’Farrell’s 2020 novel, offered a chance to counter a common narrative about the playwright’s wife: that she “had kept him back from his genius,” Buckley says.

But, she adds, “What Maggie O’Farrell so brilliantly did, not just with Agnes and Shakespeare’s wife, but also with Hamnet, their son, was to bring these people … and give them status beside this great man. … [And] give the full landscape of what it is to be a woman.”

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The film is nominated for eight Academy Awards, including best actress for Buckley. In it, she plays a woman deeply connected to nature, who faces conflicts in her marriage, as well as the death of their son Hamnet.

Buckley found out she was pregnant a week after the film wrapped. She’s since given birth to her first child, a daughter.

“The thing that this story offered me, that brought me into this next chapter of my life as a mother was tenderness,” she says. “A mother’s tenderness is ferocious. To love, to birth is no joke. To be born is no joke. And the minute something’s born into the world, you’re always in the precipice of life and death. That’s our path. … I wanted to be a mother so much that that overrode the thought of being afraid of it.”

Jessie Buckley stars as Agnes and Joe Alwyn plays her brother Bartholomew in Hamnet.

Jessie Buckley stars as Agnes and Joe Alwyn plays her brother Bartholomew in Hamnet.

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Interview highlights

On filming the scene where she howls in grief when her son dies

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I didn’t know that that was going to happen or come out, it wasn’t in the script. I think really [director] Chloé [Zhao] asked all of us to dare to be as present as possible. Of course, leading up to it, you’re aware this scene is coming, but that scene doesn’t stand on its own. By the time I’d met that scene, I had developed such a deep bond with Jacobi Jupe, who plays Hamnet, and [co-stars] Paul [Mescal] and Emily Watson, and all the children and we really were a family. And Jacobi Jupe who plays Hamnet is such an incredible little actor and an incredible soul, and we really were a team. …

The death of a child is unfathomable. I don’t know where it begins and ends. Out of utter respect, I tried to touch an imaginary truth of it in our story as best I could, but there’s no way to define that kind of grief. I’m sure it’s different for so many people. And in that moment, all I had was my imagination but also this relationship that was right in front of me with this little boy and that’s what came out of that.

On what inspired her to pursue singing growing up

I grew up around a lot of music. My mom is a harpist and a singer and my dad has always been passionate about music, so it was always something in our house and always something that was encouraged. … Early on, I have very strong memories of seeing and hearing my mom sing in church and this quite intense mercurial conversation that would happen between her, the story and the people that would listen to her. And at the end of it, something had been cracked between them and these strangers would come up with tears in their eyes. And I guess I saw the power of storytelling through my mom’s singing at a very young age, and that was definitely something that made me think I want to do that.

On her first big break performing as a teen on the BBC singing competition I’d Do Anything — and being criticized by judges about her physical appearance

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I was raw. I hadn’t trained. I had a lot to learn and to grow in. I was only 17. I think there was part of their criticism which I think was destructive and unfair when it became about my awkwardness, or they would say I was masculine and send me to kind of a femininity school. … They sent me to [the musical production of] Chicago to put heels on and a leotard and learn how to walk in high heels, which was pretty humiliating, to be honest, and I’m sad about that because I think I was discovering myself as a young woman in the world and wasn’t fully formed. … I was different. I was wild, I had a lot of feeling inside me. I could hardly keep my hands beside myself and I think to kind of criticize a body of a young woman at that time and to make her feel conscious of that was lazy and, I think, boring.

On filming parts of the 2026 film The Bride! while pregnant

I really loved working when I was pregnant. I thought it was a pretty wild experience, especially because I was playing Mary Shelley and I was talking about [this] monstrosity, and here I was with two heartbeats inside me. Becoming a mom and being pregnant did something, I think, for me. My experience of it, it’s so real that it really focuses [me to be] allergic to fake or to disconnection.

Since my daughter has come and I know what that connection is and the real feeling of being in a relationship with somebody … as an actress, it’s very exciting to recognize that in yourself and really take ownership of yourself.

I’m excited to go back and work on this other side of becoming a mother in so many ways, because I’ve shed 10 layers of skin by loving more and experiencing life in such a new way with my daughter. I’m also scared to work again because it’s hard to be a mother and to work. That’s like a constant tug because I love what I do and I’m passionate and I want to continue to grow and learn and fill those spaces that are yet to be filled — and also be a mother. And I think every mother can recognize that tug.

On the possibility of bringing her daughter to travel with her as she works

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I haven’t filmed for nearly a year and I cannot wait. I’m hungry to create again. And my daughter will come with me. She’s seven months, so at the moment she can travel with us and it’s a beautiful life. And she meets all these amazing people and I have a feeling that she loves life and that’s a great thing to see in a child. And I hope that’s something that I’ve imparted to her in the short time that she’s been on this earth is that life is beautiful and great and complex and alive and there’s no part of you that needs to be less in your life. You might have to work it out, but it’s worth it.

Lauren Krenzel and Susan Nyakundi produced and edited this interview for broadcast. Bridget Bentz, Molly Seavy-Nesper and Beth Novey adapted it for the web.

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‘Evil Dead’ Star Bruce Campbell Reveals He Has Cancer

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‘Evil Dead’ Star Bruce Campbell Reveals He Has Cancer

Bruce Campbell
I’m Battling Cancer

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‘Scream 7’ takes a weak stab at continuing the franchise : Pop Culture Happy Hour

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‘Scream 7’ takes a weak stab at continuing the franchise : Pop Culture Happy Hour

Neve Campbell in Scream 7.

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The OG Scream Queen Neve Campbell returns. Scream 7 re-centers the franchise back on Sidney Prescott. She has a new life, a family, and lots of baggage. You know the drill: Someone dressing up as the masked slasher Ghostface comes for her, her family and friends. There’s lots of stabbing and murder and so many red herrings it’s practically a smorgasbord.

Follow Pop Culture Happy Hour on Letterboxd at letterboxd.com/nprpopculture

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