Comedy writer Ian Karmel spent most of his life making fun of his weight, starting at a very young age.

“Being a kid is terrifying — and if you can be the funny fat kid, at least that’s a role,” Karmel says. “To me, that was better than being the fat kid who wasn’t funny, who’s being sad over in the corner, even if that was how I was actually feeling a lot of the time.”

For Karmel, the jokes and insults didn’t stop with adolescence. He says the humiliation he experienced as a kid navigating gym classes, and the relentless barrage of fat jokes from friends and strangers, fueled his comedy.

For years, much of his stand-up comedy centered around his body; he was determined to make fun of himself first — before anyone else could do it. “At least if we’re destroying me, I will be participating in my own self-destruction so I can at least find a role for myself,” he says.

Karmel went on to write for The Late Late Show with James Corden. He has since lost more than 200 pounds, but he feels like he’ll have a lifelong relationship with fatness. He wrote his new memoir, T-Shirt Swim Club: Stories from Being Fat in a World of Thin People, along with his sister Alisa, who channeled her experience into a profession in nutrition counseling.

“Once we lost a bunch of weight … we realized we’d never had these conversations about it with each other,” Karmel says. “If this book affects even the way one person thinks about fat people, even if that fat person happens to be themselves, that would be this book succeeding in every way that I would hope for.”

Interview highlights

On using the word “fat”

There’s all these different terms. And, you know, early on when I was talking to Alisa about writing this book, we were like: “Are we going to say fat? I think we shouldn’t say fat.” And we had a conversation about it. We landed on the determination that it’s not the word’s fault that people treat fat people like garbage. And we tend to do this thing where we will bring in a new word, we will load that word up with all of the sin of our behavior, toss that word out, pull a new one in, and then all of a sudden, we let that word soak up all the sin, and we never really change the way we actually treat people. …

I’ve been called fat, overweight or obese, husky, big guy, chunky, any number of words, all of those words just loaded up with venom. … We decided we were going to say “fat” because that’s what we are. That’s what I think of myself as. And I’m going to take it back to basics.

On the title of his memoir, T-Shirt Swim Club

T-Shirt Swim Club

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Thank God for learning about the damage that the sun does to our bodies, because now all sorts of people are wearing T-shirts in the pool. But when we were growing up, I don’t think that was happening. It’s absurd. We wear this T-shirt because we … want to protect ourselves from prying eyes — but I think what it really is is this internalized body shame where I’m like, “Hey, I know my body’s disgusting. I know I’m going to gross you out while you’re just trying to have a good time at the pool, so let me put this T-shirt on.” And it’s all the more ridiculous because it doesn’t change anything. It doesn’t actually cover you up, it hugs every curve!

On how bullying made him paranoid

You think like, if four or five people are saying this to my face, then there must be vast whisper campaigns. That must be what they’re huddled over. … Anytime somebody giggles in the corner and you are in that same room, you become paranoid. There’s a part of you that thinks like, they must be laughing at me.

On how fat people are portrayed in pop culture

Fat people, I think, are still one of the groups that it’s definitely OK to make fun of. That’s absolutely true. … I’m part of this industry too, and I’ve done it to myself. … Maybe it’s less on the punch line 1719964293 and more on the pity. You know, you have Brendan Fraser playing the big fat guy in The Whale. And at least that’s somebody who is fat and who has dealt with those issues. Maybe not to the extent of like a 500- and 600-pound man, but still to some extent. And good for him. I mean, an amazing performance, but still one where it’s like, here’s this big, fat, pathetic person.

On judgment about weight loss drugs and surgery

It’s this ridiculous moral purity. What it comes down to for me is you [have] your loved ones, you have your friends. And whatever you can do to spend more time on earth with those people, that’s golden to me. That’s beautiful, because that is what life is truly all about. And the more you get to do that, the healthier and happier you are. So those people out there who are shaming Ozempic or Wegovy or any of that stuff, or bariatric surgery, those people can pound sand. And it’s so hard in a world that is built for people who are regular size, and in a world that is also simultaneously built to make you as fat as possible with the way we treat food. It’s like, yo, do the best you can!

Therese Madden and Joel Wolfram produced and edited this interview for broadcast. Bridget Bentz, Molly Seavy-Nesper and Beth Novey adapted it for the web.

Let’s say you’re at a restaurant with a group of friends. You ordered appetizers, maybe got a bottle of wine for the table, went all in for dessert … then the bill arrives.

No one is offering to cover the whole tab. So how do you handle the check? Do you split it evenly among everyone at the table? What if you only got a salad while your buddy got the surf and turf special?

Splitting the bill is a fine art. Whether you’re eating family-style at a Korean barbecue joint or having a three-course meal at a fancy restaurant, there should be “a sense of equality in how the check is divvied up” when the meal ends, says Kiki Aranita, a food editor at New York Magazine and the former co-chef and owner of Poi Dog, a Hawaiian restaurant in Philadelphia.

She goes over common scenarios you may encounter while dining out with a large group — and how to dial down the awkwardness by keeping things fair and square.

Scenario 1: I arrived to dinner late. Everyone at the table already ordered drinks and appetizers and are about to order their entrees. What should I do?

When you’re ready to order, tell your server you want your food and drinks on a separate check, says Aranita. “It’s easier to deal with than having to split a check in complicated percentages at the end of the night.”

If you do choose separate checks, tell your server that at the start of the meal, not the end. That way they can make note of everyone’s individual orders. Not every establishment offers this option, but it doesn’t hurt to ask.

Scenario 2: Everyone ordered alcohol except me — and now they want to split the tab fair and square!

Speak up, says Aranita. “Just be like, ‘Hey guys — I didn’t drink.’ Usually, that’s enough for everyone to reconfigure the bill to make it fairer. The problems only arise when you don’t speak up.”

If you are ordering round after round of $20 cocktail drinks, be conscious of the people in your party who didn’t order as much as you. When the bill arrives, “maybe pick up a larger portion of the tip” to make up for your drinks, says Aranita.

Scenario 3: We’re a party of six. Is it OK to ask the server to split the check six ways?

Many restaurants now have updated point-of-sale systems that make it easier for servers to split the check in myriad ways, says Aranita. But it doesn’t always mean you should ask them to do so.

Aranita, who has also been a bartender and server, recommends a maximum of two to four credit cards. Servers “have enough to deal with” when working with a large party, especially on a busy night. And running several cards with different tip percentages isn’t ideal.

“If you’re a party of six, just put down two credit cards” and Venmo each other what you owe, she says. This approach also works out great for that person in your group who’s obsessed with racking up credit card points. 

Scenario 4: It’s my birthday. My friends should pay for my meal, right?

In American culture, it’s assumed that if your friends take you out to dinner for your birthday, they will cover your meal. But that’s not always the case, says Aranita.

If you set up your own birthday dinner, don’t expect to people to pay for you, she says. You picked the restaurant and invited your friends on your terms. So in this scenario, put down your card at the end of the meal. Your dining mates may pick up your tab, but if they don’t, “that’s perfectly fine. You’re saying: ‘I can celebrate me and also pay for me.’ ”

Scenario 5: It’s my friends’ first time at my favorite restaurant. I’m going to order an appetizer that I think everyone at the table will love. We’re all splitting the cost of that, right?

It can be easy to get swept away by the menu at a favorite restaurant, but don’t assume your dining partners share the same enthusiasm for the twice-fried onion rings. “You have to get their consent at the beginning of the meal. Say, ‘hey, is it cool if I order appetizers for the table?’ ” says Aranita. If you forgot to ask this question, assume that you will pay for the order.

This episode was produced by Sylvie Douglis. The digital story was edited by Meghan Keane. The visual editor is Beck Harlan. We’d love to hear from you. Leave us a voicemail at 202-216-9823, or email us at LifeKit@npr.org.

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