This story began as a deep dive into the famed James Bond drink order. The British agent with a license to kill had to have his martinis shaken, not stirred.

Why would 007 order it that way? Does it make a difference? When would you shake a drink or stir it, and why?

Cowboy State Daily asked several Wyoming bartenders for their answers, and mostly what we got back was a diatribe on how customers don’t know how to order anything or sometimes appear to be purposely making their life a living hell.

The answer became a bartender’s rant on what they face every night until closing time.

OK, a smart journalist goes where the story takes him, and this pivot was a goldmine.

Shaken, Not Stirred

In an earnest attempt to deconstruct the martini Bond orders in almost every movie, we asked people who wouldn’t know a Grey Goose from a Black Velvet. Why does Bond demand his martini is shaken, not stirred?

“He wanted a virgin drink?” one person said.

“It was preselected code to confirm the bartender was an agent working for the Crown?” posed another.

Yet another wondered if it was “to make sure his drink was not poisoned.”

Wow, well, on to the professionals.

First, it’s interesting to note that author Ian Fleming first details fictional British Secret Service agent James Bond’s drink preference in his 1953 novel “Casino Royale,” though Bond does not speak those words until “Dr. No,” and what he actually says is, “Shaken, and not stirred.”

But we’re splitting hairs.

Let’s start with the drink order. A martini is a gin and vermouth, garnished most often with an olive. A vodka martini substitutes vodka for gin. Bond orders his with both gin and vodka, by the way.

Nearly every martini drinker prior to the 1988 movie “Cocktail” would have the drink stirred. Shaking a martini dissolves air into the liquid — a process called “bruising” the gin — making a martini taste too sharp.

In the 1950s and ’60s, potato-based vodkas ruled the day. The potato would have a slightly greasy or oily texture to it. One reason to have a vodka martini shaken would be to break up this greasy feel and make the drink smoother and cleaner.

A simpler reason for shaking a drink over stirring is to make it colder. Much colder.

While good-tasting gin would not benefit from this and may actually be ruined, a vodka martini is improved by the releasing of air bubbles and added cold. Plus, the drink would be more watered down after shaking than if it were stirred.

Technically, a shaken martini is called a Bradford, but nobody remembers that anymore.

By and large, bartenders never shake clear liquids, only drinks with juices.

Jackson bartender Dustin Stolp says a martini is not very popular anymore but recalls stirring as the general rule with the classic drink.

“I think the proper martini is supposed to be stirred not shaken,” he said. “The way it is today, though, everyone wants everything shaken at some point. I don’t even remember the last person that asked for anything stirred except maybe a Manhattan.”

Abby Roich has tended bar at Stockman’s and Wind River Brewing Co. in Pinedale, as well as Buckhorn Bar, Cowboy Saloon, 3rd Street and Born in a Barn in Laramie. She offered her take.

“Shaking a drink, you are aerating it. You do this for anything made with a juice like pineapple juice or orange juice. If something is carbonated, you definitely would not shake it,” Roich said. “We shook quite a few drinks at 3rd Street, mostly just for the presentation aspect.”

Need For Speed

Fast-forward 60 years to Wyoming and the Million Dollar Cowboy Bar in Jackson, famous for its saddle stools and tourist trap honky-tonk vibe.

It’s a Saturday night. The place is packed as always. Dustin Stolp is behind the wood slinging drinks.

Stolp would never refer to himself as a mixologist. There was a time he knew his fancy drinks, but these days it’s all about speed.

“When I’m three-deep and trying to keep everyone happy, that’s when I have to make the bar and me money,” Stolp said.

Most of his pet peeves have to do with tactless customers who slow his roll.

“String orders,” he said. “I’m super busy and a guy gives me a six-drink order. He doesn’t group anything in an organized way: ‘A shot of tequila, a Pacifico with a lime, vodka soda, a Bud — no, wait, two Buds — another vodka soda …’

“First off, be ready with your order when I come to you. Then, give me the drinks all at once and the beers all together. That never happens,” Stolp added.

Worst of all, sending a bartender back to the well is a sin.

“I remember everything, ring him up, and come back with the drinks and he’ll say, ‘Oh, and five waters,’” he said. “For some reason they don’t think of water until after the order. Anything that sends you back to your well to get drinks is a pain in the butt.

“Or he’ll turn around to someone behind him and get their order to give me. You are closing out that order and moving on in your mind and this guy is killing you with what’s called a string order.”

Roich has worked all sorts of places. A college hangout where it was mainly pulling taps at Laramie’s oldest watering hole, the Buckhorn Bar. Or 3rd Street Bar where everyone knew your name.

“When I worked at the Buckhorn in Laramie, it’s a college town dealing with huge crowds. It was quantity over quality, pumping drinks out as fast as you can,” Roich said.

“3rd Street was more like ‘Cheers.’ You were excited to go to work there each shift because the same older people sat at the same place and drank the same thing,” she said. “You didn’t even have to ask their order. You just had it ready for them when you noticed them walk in.”

Bartending Style

Better bartenders ooze cool.

They are easy to talk to. Their social skills are finely honed. They’ve seen it all, heard it all, and they know to avoid topics like politics, sports and religion.

There still exists old pubs where a wizened barkeep named Sam or Moe listens to marital problems as he snaps a white bar towel crisply on his shoulder.

A cop on the beat and a neighborhood pub tender have some of the keenest profiling skills on the planet.

“One of my best friends in college was dating this guy, but this other guy was also interested in her,” Roich recalled. “She shows me a picture of the two dudes and I immediately pick out one of them.

“‘Him,’ I tell her. ‘He is one of our best customers. He is nice and patient and tips well.’ It says a lot about someone’s personality how they treat service industry workers.”

Roich’s friend did ultimately choose “him,” and they’ve been married 10 years now.

Somewhere there undoubtably are gin joints like Coyote Ugly where scantily-clad barmaids do everything it takes to keep the men boozing. One such establishment, Hogs ’n Heifers in NYC, was rumored to be the bar moviemakers modelled “Coyote Ugly” after.

And there are still actual Tom Cruise bartenders (“Cocktail,” 1988) who get by on bottle-flipping flair. But in the real world, a bartender’s life is less psychologist, less stripper and less circus juggler than Hollywood portrays.

“I was never a mixologist. I started bartending at 21. I didn’t know anything. If someone ordered something fancier than a Jack and Coke or a Pendleton and seven, I might have to go Google it,” Roich admits. “I was mostly cracking beers, not really mixing flavors and garnishing them in a way to make a pleasurable presentation. At some of the places I worked at we were lucky if we had lemons or limes at times.”

Most bartender gripes arise from the stress of the job when it’s busy and imbibers are drunk. “In the weeds” is how the service industry refers to the condition of being taxed to the limit.

When you’re there, patience is hard to come by.

“Another annoying thing is when your head is down and you are working on an order and someone else is yelling their order right in your face,” Stolp growled. “Normally, I can block those guys out but sometimes …”

What Stolp likes to do when it’s really busy is prep his next customer with a quick look.

“I will make eye contact and say, ‘Coming to you next. Be ready with your order.’ When it’s your turn, I will make direct eye contact and maybe give them a little point,” Stolp said.

Situational awareness could go a long way toward making a barkeep’s life a little breezier. When the crush is on, bartenders suggest keeping your order simple.

“Custom-order drinks in a busy bar don’t work. You walk into the Cowboy Bar Saloon on a Saturday night and Chancey [Williams] is playing after a Cowboys football game and order a complicated craft cocktail? Take a lap,” Roich said. “Read the room. We aren’t pouring that right now.”

Tipping Is Not A City In China

Ever wonder if tipping elicits better service?

Bartenders say they remember who tips generously and who makes a habit of stiffing their server. When it’s busy, the scrooge might get passed over if the big tipper is also waiting.

But gratuity is not always anticipated, and bartenders range widely about what their expectations are.

“It’s not necessarily a big deal for me. Not everyone is a billionaire. Everyone has their own tip style. As long as it’s something,” Stolp said. “If you are a Jackson Hole snowboarder, I’ll take a dollar on your order. But cashing out a $200 tab and getting 10 bucks? That’s a bummer. That’s just rude.”

Roich said there are good guidelines people can follow.

“If you are running a tab, a good rule of thumb is throw 20-25% on your cashout. If you are pay as you go, ordering beer after beer and not tipping, well, I would rather see someone tipping sporadically as they order.”

And do those generous tippers get special treatment.

“Hundred percent,” Roich said. “Bartenders identify those easy guys who come in. They don’t ask questions. They keep the interaction quick because they know what they want and you remember as well. Sometimes you hold up a number and they’ll nod, ‘Yes, three Coors Light.’

“They hand you their coat and you are happy to take it behind the bar because those are your people and you are happy. Those are the ones who got me through college.”

Event Bartending

Event bartender Sarah Adams works for a few catering companies in the Sheridan area.

She will get for specialty craft cocktails at weddings and such but, for the most part, a predetermined drink menu means she knows she will be mixing Moscow mules and huckleberry mojitos all night.

Still, that doesn’t mean her nights are easy.

“Talk about being in the weeds. There is nothing like a wedding gig rush when 200 thirsty guests swarm you after baking in the sun at the ceremony,” Adams said.

Open bars are often the case with weddings and other events Adams works. She said they can sometimes be a challenge in their own way.

“For one, when people aren’t paying for drinks, they usually are not tipping,” Adams said. “But worse, I feel more disrespected in an open bar situation.

“Like, I’m there as your personal serving wench, and I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had people claim there was not enough alcohol in their drink or they want a more generous pour because they are under the impression it is free booze. Well, someone’s paying for it.”

Adams adds that getting hit on is far more prevalent at events than tending bar commercially.

“Weddings have their own version of barflies and they just camp out with you all night. Lonely, on the make, or just plain bored,” Adams said. “Fifty-year-old uncles trying to pick me up is not my idea of a pleasant Saturday.”

Water And The Cut-Off

Water orders are irritating, according to most bartenders. Many bars set up a water station to keep their gin jockeys pouring the pricier stuff, but water has a purpose and a place.

“At one point in my career I found the water order really annoying. But as I got older, I realized I don’t need to be a grump about it. They are making a good choice. They are doing the right thing and I want my customers to be safe,” Roich said.

When customers don’t make smart choices, babysitting bartenders have to get crafty about cutting them off. Each has their own style.

“That’s what bouncers are for,” Stolp said.

As a sometimes bouncer himself, the 6-foot-4, 210-pound hockey player has no problem showing a belligerent drunk to the exit.

Roich tries to be more tactful.

“It’s easy to go with the, ‘I’m going to ignore you’ route,” she shared. “Usually, that person is at the point where they will just give up. If they get surly, that’s why we have bouncers. If it is someone I know, I usually pour them a soda and say, ‘This one’s on me,’ and all I did was give them a coke.

“Each case is different,” she continued. “I might say, ‘How about a water this time?’ Sometimes I am point blank. ‘You are going to be sad at me if I continue to serve you. Let’s dial it down for the night.’ I’ll tell you one thing. People hardly ever remember or are mad at me when I see them next. In fact, some thank me for cutting them off.”

The Good, The Bad And The Buy Back

Back to the “shaken, not stirred” controversy.

Rather than an appearance of snootiness, bartenders across the board appear to relish drinkers who know exactly what they want.

“Someone orders a Grey Goose martini, super dry, dirty,” Adams Said. “I like that he knows exactly what he wants. Give me a top-shelf shot-caller anytime. It’s much better than the customer who says, ‘Surprise me.’”

Roich agrees.

“If I got a James Bond ‘shaken not stirred’ order I would be like: ‘Rad, this guy knows what he wants,” she said.

What bartenders hate is indecision, rookies and rude people.

Want to send a bartender reaching for the Xanax? Wobble up to the bar with a gaggle of your girls and slur, “We want FUN shots!”

“If some girl comes in and it’s her 21st birthday and her group says, ‘Make us a special shot.’ That’s cool. Let’s make her night special,” Roich said. “But when there are 30 people at the bar and someone is sucking your time, it can get aggravating.”

Longtime New York City bartender and consultant Ross Fairly lists as one of his all-time most annoying drink orders the “I-don’t-know-what-I-want” order.

“You are the bane of the bartender’s existence. Who let you in here?” Fairly said. “I can’t tell you what you want because I’m not you. I can tell you what I like: Jack on the rocks. If you don’t want that, I’m fresh-out of ideas.

“Step aside or go to Applebee’s where you can stare at the disgusting drink menu and order something that has Hershey’s chocolate syrup in it.”

“Same,” Roich said. “When I get the ‘what do you recommend?’ or ‘what do you like?’ I say my favorite is a shot of Wild Turkey. Nine time out of 10 that is not going to be what they end up ordering.”

Adams has noticed more and more people expect a drink menu.

“The drink menu is behind me on these four shelves. If you are an adult and you’ve been out past 9:30 p.m. before, you should know what you like,” she said.

A few other faux pas?

Whistling for attention or claiming to know the owner. Those never goe over well.

And don’t ever, under any circumstance, ask the bartender to smile. Roich, for one, would have you tossed for that.

Jake Nichols can be reached at jake@cowboystatedaily.com.