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Washington Spirit embody state of NWSL entering 10th season

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Washington Spirit embody state of NWSL entering 10th season


It’s exhausting for the Washington Spirit to search out the language for what they skilled final season. After a roller-coaster playoff run, the membership gained the NWSL championship in November, securing victory with a header in further time from U.S. ladies’s nationwide group fixture Kelley O’Hara. A deep roster racked up awards: Ahead Ashley Hatch led the league in scoring to win the Golden Boot, first-round draft choose Trinity Rodman grew to become Rookie of the Yr and veteran Aubrey Kingsbury (né Bledsoe) was named Goalkeeper of the Yr. Their core expertise jelled over the course of the season, and, with a lot of the group again, Washington is hopeful it could possibly defend the title in 2022.

However that’s the half that’s simple to cowl. It’s the remainder that’s so tough to explain.

The championship’s backdrop was a reckoning with abuse and harassment from management figures throughout the league. The Spirit’s coach was reassigned and in the end fired after a Washington Publish investigation shared accounts that he had verbally and emotionally abused gamers. The entrance workplace was accused of fostering a poisonous tradition. The gamers referred to as for the group to be offered. Their most devoted followers felt that that they had no selection however to boycott. The season was a storybook journey for a championship, and it was additionally a chronic, deeply painful mess.

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“It was exhausting,” says midfielder Andi Sullivan. “As a result of it was such an thrilling season, a tremendous 12 months, and it needed to be overshadowed by numerous negativity—properly, not negativity, I’d say . . .”

The group captain searches for the proper phrase.

“Reality,” she says, lastly. “It was simply the reality. And it was essential to create change.”

It’s a swirl of emotion that’s becoming not only for the group however for the league as an entire.

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The NWSL has lots to be enthusiastic about: This can be its tenth 12 months—a milestone that none of its predecessor leagues ever received near celebrating—and it’s courting new sponsors and increasing to recent markets. The extent of competitors has risen as careers have grow to be extra sustainable and the expertise has grow to be extra skilled. In January, simply earlier than gamers reported to coaching camps, their union ratified its first collective bargaining settlement, which ushered in necessary modifications such because the introduction of free company.

NWSL SEASON PREVIEW: 10 Finest Video games in League Historical past | Subsequent Stars Beneath 25 | League Lifers

But that progress has not been in a position to stand out as the largest current story within the NWSL. As a substitute, the league remains to be navigating the fallout from final 12 months, when gamers from a number of groups spoke out about verbal abuse, sexual harassment and unsafe coaching environments. A number of had tried to voice complaints years earlier than—solely to appreciate their phrases had apparently been allowed to fall by way of the cracks and, in some circumstances, been actively lined up. However the second shortly grew too large for anybody to disregard any longer. It was not simply the Spirit, or the North Carolina Braveness or the Portland Thorns or some other single membership. The scenario was not the work of some remoted unhealthy actors. It was one thing rooted far deeper.

After participant demonstrations and canceled video games, the U.S. Soccer Federation launched an unbiased probe of the league led by former U.S. deputy lawyer common Sally Yates. The investigation is ongoing. 5 coaches who have been credibly accused of abuse final season both resigned or have been fired and changed. (A sixth has since been suspended.) Commissioner Lisa Baird and league common counsel Lisa Levine have been ousted after refusing to open an investigation into one such coach. But as gamers returned to coaching camp this spring, a query lingered: What does it imply for a league to essentially change?

There’s maybe no membership that captures the league’s standing higher than the Spirit. Along with being the reigning champions, they’re one of many founding groups, they usually’ve performed beneath circumstances and in environments which have diversified wildly over the past decade. Their final season showcased the very best of what the NWSL needed to provide on the sphere and compelled them by way of a number of the worst circumstances off it. And now, beneath new possession, their gamers lastly have an opportunity to determine what it means to look forward.

But it surely’s exhausting to understand what that entails with out first wanting again. To an outsider, it could have felt as if the NWSL’s turmoil got here out of nowhere in 2021: The league had been working seemingly as regular one week and was engulfed in scandal the subsequent, following extra studies from the Publish and The Athletic.

The primary participant to talk out was on the Spirit, defender Kaiya McCullough, who had left the group the earlier 12 months due to what she described as a verbally abusive coaching surroundings beneath the teaching employees—screaming, private assaults, threats and racist remarks. She got here ahead to the Publish in August. On the time, she didn’t understand what number of different gamers may need related tales from different coaches: “It wasn’t like I used to be making an attempt to spark some type of reckoning,” McCullough says now. “I used to be simply making an attempt to heal my very own wounds and rectify what occurred to me and individuals who I knew suffered in related methods by myself group.” Inside a couple of months, the panorama across the league was radically completely different.

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“We had simply accepted, perhaps, issues that we shouldn’t have for the sake of getting a league,” says Kingsbury. “We simply wish to play—like, that is our dream job. So I feel for a few years, folks appeared the opposite means for the sake of getting a job the subsequent 12 months. But it surely was lastly like, Sufficient is sufficient. Let’s carry it to the sunshine.

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But pushing for change may be daunting when there was actual scar tissue from the unsuccessful experiences of previous leagues: The primary try at ladies’s professional soccer, WUSA, lasted from 2001 to ’03, whereas the second, WPS, survived from solely ’09 to ’12. These collapses are cautionary tales. The older gamers had lived these losses. So long as there had been an NWSL, there had been an implicit message that gamers ought to simply be grateful that they had any U.S. professional league in any respect—irrespective of how poor the circumstances.

“Gamers within the early aughts—we have been involved about making the league look unhealthy or making our groups look unhealthy as a result of all the things felt so tenuous and fragile,” says NWSL Gamers Affiliation government director Meghann Burke, herself
a retired goalkeeper who performed in these previous leagues. “It was completely different this time round.”

When gamers got here ahead, they have been met not with a message that they have been hurting the league however with help from large sponsors reminiscent of Budweiser and Mastercard. There had been a shift within the better panorama round participant activism; athletes throughout sports activities had spent the previous few years talking up, and a few sponsors embraced that advocacy. There was a neater path for extra gamers to talk out and take motion. So did the sheer quantity of tales—a devastating assertion on the teaching that had beforehand been thought of acceptable within the league however a reminder that no participant was alone.

A weekend of video games have been canceled. When gamers returned, they halted play within the sixth minute of every recreation, gathering in protest to mark the six years because the first documented situations of abuse. “Due to gamers coming ahead all through the season and gamers’ voices truly being heard, it gave us a bit of bit extra confidence,” says Hatch. “Prior to now, we’ve vocalized our desires and desires, they usually’ve fallen on deaf ears. So I feel it was simply time for us to be like, Hey, that is what we would like. That is the change that should occur.

Within the Spirit’s case, that meant talking not nearly coach Richie Burke (no relation to Meghann) however about poisonous possession. One other Publish story, in September, discovered that membership proprietor and tech government Steve Baldwin had employed as CEO a person he knew from his youth soccer expertise who was in any other case unqualified to run a professional group. Staff got offensive nicknames, a number of ladies have been pushed out of their jobs and HR complaints went unanswered. Baldwin responded to the scandal by doubling down.

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He refused to promote the Spirit, even when approached with a aggressive provide from minority investor Y. Michele Kang, and he let the group’s working circumstances fall into disarray. At one level, they have been booted from their apply facility and left to coach at a highschool, the place that they had little management over their schedule and located it unimaginable to have any routines round primary work reminiscent of movie periods. Finally, the gamers felt there was no selection however to return ahead with a requirement for brand spanking new possession.

“Nobody desires to write down a public assertion about why their boss must step apart,” says Kingsbury. “But it surely was actually our solely choice ahead at that time. . . . We simply drew energy from one another.”

The scenario wouldn’t be resolved for months, however in the end, Baldwin offered to Kang. Nonetheless, it introduced the Spirit as a mannequin of collective motion. That was one thing their roster already had loads of expertise with: Midfielder Tori Huster, who has performed for the membership because it was based in 2013, can be the president of the NWSLPA.

The gamers began to prepare in 2017 and had their union legally acknowledged in ’18. But it took years for either side to start out the negotiating course of for his or her first CBA. They lastly sat down on the desk in April ’21. When the league was rocked by scandal a couple of months later, it despatched a distressing message about their working circumstances. But it surely was additionally a reminder of what they have been combating for on the bargaining desk, Huster says.

“The timing of all the things popping out—you already know, it was not fairly by any means, however it definitely simply made us as a participant group very, very robust,” she says. “It actually strengthened what we knew to be proper and what we knew was going to be the very best for us shifting ahead.”

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That meant pursuing a clearer anti-harassment coverage with avenues for gamers to file complaints. It meant securing extra strong medical staffs, together with a sport psychologist for each group. And whereas the gamers had at all times needed to pursue a proper to free company, it now took on a distinct resonance—as a path not simply to increased salaries however to extra autonomy over their careers, their work surroundings and their lives. In a way, all the things they have been combating for on the desk was a declaration of their want for a protected, safe surroundings, even one thing as primary as a elevate within the minimal wage. (They negotiated it as much as $35,000; whereas nonetheless modest, it’s a major bump from $22,000 and better than the league’s authentic most wage.) The message was clear: Gamers appreciated the NWSL, however it wasn’t sufficient for it to exist. They deserved extra.

“You may be grateful, but in addition demand your value on the identical time,” Burke says. “Once we negotiated the CBA, what we have been saying was, ‘Look, we consider in the way forward for the game, we’re betting on ourselves, and that is the extent of funding it’s going to take to proceed to develop it.’”

The gamers mentioned they didn’t wish to come to coaching camp with out a deal. On the January evening earlier than they have been to start reporting, the settlement was finalized.

The protections of the CBA may need helped a participant reminiscent of McCullough, who, at 23, left soccer after her expertise within the NWSL. The better readability on anti-harassment coverage and the introduction of psychological well being go away seem to be they’d have been game-changers. However she sees room for additional development. Lots of the coaches whose abuse got here to gentle final 12 months had been trailed by complaints from one group to a different, or from youth golf equipment as much as the professionals. “Some type of system the place we’re not permitting possession or stakeholders to comb abuse or wrongdoing beneath the rug could be a very large step in the proper path for accountability,” McCullough says.

Gamers can obtain lots with their voices and collective motion, however they’ve their limits, and actual change requires management from above, too. There’s hope for change beneath a brand new commissioner (Jessica Berman, previously of the NHL and Nationwide Lacrosse League, chosen with participant enter), and with the upcoming outcomes of the unbiased report on the league’s abuse drawback. Simply this week, Houston Sprint common supervisor and coach James Clarkson was suspended resulting from info uncovered within the investigation—an indication that cultural points within the league unfold additional than had been seen final fall and, on the identical time, that new management was able to take decisive motion when it is perhaps mandatory, slightly than ready for the complete launch of the report. The NWSL anti-harassment coverage was up to date concurrently with Clarkson’s suspension to notice that misconduct might embrace, relying on the circumstances “maliciously threatening to waive, bench or commerce gamers absent a respectable purpose, or belittling gamers about their physique picture or weight.” Gamers hope that that is solely a begin.

“It’s unlucky that it took 10 years to get so far,” says Spirit backup goalkeeper Nicole Barnhart, a member of the union’s government committee. “However it’s a turning level, for positive.”

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The Spirit don’t want this to be misplaced in all the things they went by way of final 12 months: They gained. In a season that was consumed by questions on find out how to confront systemic abuse and find out how to cope with coaching at a highschool, they nonetheless performed their greatest soccer. They want they hadn’t wanted to. However they really feel the truth that they did speaks volumes in regards to the league’s potential:

If that is what we are able to do beneath the worst of circumstances, their perception goes, think about what we are able to do after we can all give attention to our precise recreation.

That led to a a lot lighter temper getting into coaching camp. There are CBA protections. There’s additionally the affect of a brand new proprietor who is able to make investments. Kang, the entrepreneur behind the well being care tech firm Cognosante, declined to remark throughout coaching camp in March because the sale was being finalized. However gamers see the indicators of her dedication already—reminiscent of a deal to safe long-term coaching house at a brand new facility constructed by D.C. United—they usually’re excited for extra.

“It’s been actually cool to get to know Michele, particularly from a management perspective, and she or he simply sees it as a enterprise,” Sullivan says. “She sees this as an enormous funding—like a startup, an organization with numerous potential, and she or he’s going to run it as she did when she constructed her firm.”

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Gamers wish to drive that time dwelling throughout the league—they really feel that is an funding alternative. Situations of this milestone 12 months point out that the gamers usually are not alone in that feeling. The Kansas Metropolis Present are constructing the primary stadium created for an NWSL group, a $70 million undertaking privately financed by the group house owners. The league has expanded to 2 new markets, Los Angeles and San Diego, with star-studded buyers and gamers alike.

“This can be a enterprise. This isn’t a charity,” Burke says. “And paradoxically, it’s the gamers who need it to be professionalized and run like a enterprise. You can’t construct a enterprise based mostly on volunteerism and free labor, and you can’t construct knowledgeable soccer league on a baseball area.”

If that final bit seems like a pithy slogan, it’s not an exaggeration—newbie gamers could possibly be used to fill roster gaps totally free till a couple of years in the past, and two groups have been taking part in on transformed baseball fields as of 2021, scuffling with the difficulties of an oddly sized pitch and uneven sod. Now unpaid amateurs are gone, and the CBA stipulates that there may be “no extra taking part in on fields that require substantial conversion to the size of a soccer area.”

The hope is that such motion creates room for the league to develop and its expertise to develop. It additionally creates a chance for followers to observe the league with out a disaster of conscience about participant security and welfare.

“I’m excited that they gained’t really feel conflicted. They’ll come help us. They’ll purchase merchandise, purchase tickets, they will pack the stadium,” Kingsbury says.

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The gamers’ message is evident: They knew that it was time to ask for extra. Now, they’re desperate to let followers see it.

“If you go to a recreation, you’ll be seeing the very best of us,” Burke says. “And I feel this league, sooner or later, it’s actually going to heart across the gamers. It has to for us to achieve success.”

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Crypto Giants Want to Buy Washington. They're Bankrolling Trump to Make It Happen

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Crypto Giants Want to Buy Washington. They're Bankrolling Trump to Make It Happen


Just before the three-day Bitcoin 2024 conference got underway in Nashville this week, Tyler Winklevoss, the bitcoin billionaire who founded the cryptocurrency exchange Gemini with his twin brother Cameron, had harsh words for presumptive Democratic presidential nominee Kamala Harris. He was incensed that after years of tension between the Biden administration and the crypto industry — many in the space have complained of a regulatory crackdown — the vice president had declined an invitation to the annual bitcoin extravaganza.

“She can’t even take the first step and show up to start mending fences,” Winklevoss tweeted on Wednesday. He added, ominously: “Our industry won’t forget this. We will show no mercy in November.” Earlier that day, Bitcoin Magazine CEO David Bailey, the organizer of the event, claimed in a tweet that a Democratic donor had told him Harris privately says that “Bitcoin is money for criminals.” (While the sum of money collected annually through crypto-based crime is in the billions, this represents a relatively small percentage of transactions.) Meanwhile, feverish rumors that an increasingly crypto-friendly Donald Trump might use his keynote speech at the conference to announce plans for adopting Bitcoin as a U.S. strategic reserve asset caused the price to surge. It had also soared after he survived an assassination attempt earlier this month, temporarily boosting confidence in his election bid.

But Harris had every reason to feel unwelcome at a bitcoin convention. Chief among them is that tech oligarchs and the crypto crowd have already thrown their lot in with Trump as they seek a freer hand in the economy of digital assets. Trump, meanwhile, has aggressively courted the movers and shakers of crypto finance, trying to sell himself as “the crypto president” who can reverse Joe Biden’s attempts to rein in the sector — this despite commenting himself in 2021 that bitcoin “seems like a scam.” In Saturday’s speech, Trump said that if he wins, “the United States will be the crypto capital of the planet and the bitcoin superpower of the world,” adding: “If crypto is going to define the future, I want to be mined, minted, and made in the USA. It’s not going to be made anywhere else. And if bitcoin is going to the moon, as we say … I want America to be the nation that leads the way, and that’s what’s going to happen. So you’re going to be very happy with me.”

Trump outlined several steps he would take to aid the crypto industry. “The day I take the oath of office, Joe Biden and Kamala Harris’ anti-crypto crusade will be over,” he said. Trump pledged, to great applause, that he would immediately fire Securities and Exchange Commission chair Gary Gensler, and replace him with an industry-friendly regulator. He said he would create a presidential crypto advisory council to create a new regulatory framework that would “benefit” the industry. And he warned the audience that if Democrats win in November, “every one of you will be gone. They will be vicious. They will be ruthless. They will do things that you wouldn’t believe.”

The remarks should fuel even more donations from crypto bulls already betting on Trump. Bitcoin Magazine‘s Bailey, for his part, committed to a goal of raising $15 million for Trump’s campaign during the Nashville event. Last month, the Winklevoss brothers — whose Gemini this year settled a lawsuit from the state of New York over a frozen crypto lending program, returning $2.2 billion to customers and paying a $37 million fine — pledged $1 million in bitcoin each to Trump’s campaign. The amounts exceeded the $844,600 maximum that the Trump 47 Committee, the joint fundraising group to which they donated, can legally accept from an individual, and the Winklevosses had the difference refunded. (Among other spending on GOP campaigns, the committee funnels money toward covering Trump’s legal bills.) They also each chipped in $250,000 for America PAC, the super PAC through which Elon Musk and allies are backing Trump.

Other America PAC donors include Shaun Maguire of VC firm Sequoia Capital, who has expressed interest in “legitimizing” crypto and announced a $300,000 Trump donation with a statement that argued “Democrats have been trying to regulate technology — especially open source AI and crypto in ways that incentivize the best builders to build outside of America.” He has poured half a million dollars into the super PAC. Ken Howery, a co-founder along with Peter Thiel of VC firm Founders Fund, which is heavily invested in crypto and blockchain technologies, has given $1 million. Another million came from Antonio Gracias, the former director of Tesla thought to have helped engineer the automaker’s purchase of $1.5 billion in bitcoin in 2021. His firm, Valor Equity Partners, invests millions in crypto businesses. Joe Lonsdale, co-founder of the software company Palantir and managing partner of the firm 8VC, gave $1 million to America PAC as well. Earlier this year, he mused on how artificial intelligence and crypto technologies could benefit one another.

And while he hasn’t donated to the PAC, Silicon Valley venture capitalist and close Musk associate David Sacks has given thousands directly to the Trump campaign. Two months ago, Sacks said he preferred Trump’s sudden crypto cheerleading to the Biden administration’s scrutiny. “It might have been pandering,” Sacks said at a business summit in May. “But at least he’s saying the right thing and Biden is not saying the right thing. At least if he’s pandering, there’s a higher chance that maybe he’ll do the right thing.” (Last year, on the tech and investment podcast All-In, Sacks floated the unsubstantiated claim that SEC chair Gensler, along with Sen. Elizabeth Warren, had forged an “alliance,” with Warren promising “she will make him Treasury Secretary if he basically destroys crypto in the U.S.”)

It’s not just about Trump, either. The super PAC Fairshake, bankrolled by crypto firms including Coinbase, Jump Crypto and Ripple, has become a major force in the financing of congressional races, backing candidates deemed allies of the industry and helping to unseat opponents including progressive Reps. Jamaal Bowman and Katie Porter with critical ads. It has received tens of millions from the Winklevosses and venture capitalists Marc Andreessen and Ben Horowitz of the firm Andreessen Horowitz, which invests in crypto companies. (Andreessen and Horowitz recently pledged to donate to Trump; Horowitz says the Biden administration “basically subverted the rule of law to attack the crypto industry.”) As of the end of June, Fairshake had close to $120 million in cash on hand, while two other crypto super PACs, Protect Progress and Defend American Jobs, have more than $5 million and nearly $2 million, respectively. The former has spent on media attacking Democrats pushing for consumer protections in crypto; the latter has doled out more than $15 million on endorsements for Republicans in the 2024 election cycle.

But while Trump had planned to ride this wave of cash by going after Biden for his record on cryptocurrency, it may be hard to use the same line against Harris, seen by some as potentially amenable to these businesses due to her background in tech-saturated San Francisco politics. And if a few major investors were stung to be snubbed by Harris this weekend, it’s still unclear what position she’ll take on the issue. On Friday, the Financial Times reported that Harris advisers have reached out to people close to crypto firms to try to “reset” relations with the industry.

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Even before Biden exited the race, the administration had made efforts to alleviate the bad blood between the White House and crypto evangelists, and the House passed a pro-crypto bill in May with support from 71 Democrats. Although Biden was not in favor of it, he did not say he would veto the legislation.

All the same, it would be ridiculous for crypto’s elite to try to disentangle their fortunes from Trump’s at this point, regardless of the direction Harris takes. They’ve made their pick and infused his campaign with considerable wealth, hoping for a president who takes a hands-off approach to their tokens and trading platforms. Now they just have to hope it’s enough to send Trump’s stock to the moon.





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Years after his dad drowned, this Commanders starter is teaching kids to swim

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Years after his dad drowned, this Commanders starter is teaching kids to swim


Cornelius Lucas III remembers everything about the day his father drowned on a family camping trip outside their home in New Orleans.

“We had a little campfire going. … I was running around. I was in and out the water, but I didn’t really go deep. My dad had went in the water deep a couple times, and I feel like this was his second or third time, maybe third or fourth time going back in the water.

“He literally asked me, ‘You want to come with me?’ I was like, ‘Nah, I’m just gonna stick back here and throw the football around.’ And I just remember seeing him walk out — as a kid, everything seemed bigger — but maybe like 40, 50 yards deep into the water. And then he — I saw his hands waving at me, and he just dipped underwater.”

People rushed out to help, but when they got there, they couldn’t find his father. He had been dragged under by a rip tide.

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“Forty-five minutes later, he floated back,” Lucas said.

“At the age of seven, I was out of having a dad, out of having my best bud, my best friend, my greatest — my best teacher, you know what I’m saying? Like, the guy that was put in this world to give me all the game that I’ve been searching for since then.”

Twenty-six years later, Lucas is a man, 6-foot-8, 327 pounds, a professional hitter with a goofball grin and the self-confidence he lacked growing up without his dad. Lucas believes his unlikely journey has led him to this moment with the Washington Commanders, where, entering the 11th season of his improbable NFL career, the longtime backup is competing for the huge role of starting left tackle and blindside protector for new franchise quarterback Jayden Daniels.

Lucas, 33, feels he’s doing well early in the competition with rookie Brandon Coleman, and unlike his first shot at being a full-time starter (his second season, with Detroit), he feels ready.

Many players who go undrafted out of college, as Lucas did out of Kansas State in 2014, get chewed up by the NFL. Their moment is darkened by the ever-present possibility of getting fired, and they’re often forced out of the league against their will, broken or brokenhearted. In his fifth year, Lucas was overwhelmed by repeated rejection and tried to quit by ignoring calls from his agent.

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It was in those difficult moments Lucas felt his father’s absence most.

“Outside of my coaches and my teammates to push me and tell me I could do this, I haven’t had someone I could call on and just tell them how I’m feeling, what’s going on,” he said.

“It’s really been a me situation. Like, me figuring it out. Me going home and sitting in silence for two hours because I got beat in practice, and I’m thinking about why I got beat and how I can’t get beat no more because I’m on the edge of getting cut, and you know — I’m saying it’s been stressful. ”

As he honed his skills, Lucas has grown mentally tough, observing people around him, looking for “life tidbits” and refining who he wants to be.

In 2018, everything came together. Lucas caught a break, played well in one game for his hometown New Orleans Saints and parlayed it into a job with Chicago, where he shined. In 2020, he signed a two-year deal with the Commanders, and in 2022, he signed another. Last summer, he felt like he finally “filled myself up enough to pour into others.”

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And he had an idea how: Swim camp. Every summer, NFL players host youth football camps across the country, and while he saw the value in them, he wanted to do something more personal. He attended pool parties growing up, even after his father’s death, but he still had never gone in a pool deeper than his height.

So he partnered with Son of a Saint, a nonprofit organization for fatherless boys in New Orleans, and figured he could show boys like him how to be a man and teach them a potentially lifesaving skill.

“I live in New Orleans, Louisiana,” Lucas said. “We are currently seven feet under sea level. In New Orleans, we get flooding. Hurricane Katrina, it was flooding for 45 days.”

This year, at his second camp, the only boy scared of the water was too big for anyone but Lucas to hold while learning to doggy paddle. Lucas encouraged him to go into the pool, urging him to fight their fear together.

“Trust me,” Lucas said. “I won’t let you drown.”

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Weeks later, Lucas left New Orleans for training camp extra motivated. His girlfriend — with whom he bonded, in part, over missing a parent — is pregnant with their first child, a son, due in early November. Sometimes, when Lucas notices her belly growing, it makes him want to go outside in the sun and practice.

“When he gets here, I just want him to see his daddy doing the right thing.”

Lucas wants to teach his son all the lessons he had to gather from others, such as how to mow the lawn or drive on the highway. He’s picking up even more from Instagram and TikTok. He hopes to one day teach his son to play tackle.

And he wants to throw his son in the water. He wants him to flail on his own at first, to fight to float, because he believes struggling will help his son get comfortable. Even if he doesn’t like to swim, Lucas’s top priority is for his son to never feel how he sometimes felt around water.

“He’s not gonna have a fear of it,” he said.

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Advice | Carolyn Hax: Fiancé secretly tracks ‘gold digger’s’ contribution to shared home

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Advice | Carolyn Hax: Fiancé secretly tracks ‘gold digger’s’ contribution to shared home


Adapted from an online discussion.

Dear Carolyn: My fiancé and I bought a house late last year, with help from his parents. Though we both make good salaries, he comes from a rich family, and I was raised by a single mom. His parents insisted on giving us the money for our down payment and closing costs, and my mom gave us a dishwasher, which was very generous of all of them and also appreciated.

We have been working like mad on fixing the house up to get it ready for our wedding. Neither of us is very experienced with DIY, so it’s been a difficult, stressful process and caused some tension between us. We were discussing what kind of flooring to get for the front hall, and I wanted the more expensive but easier-to-work-with stuff. We got into a fight that escalated to the point of him accusing me of being a gold digger who was after his money. I was in shock and asked him why he would think that, and he said, “Because you told me about how you grew up poor,” and he’s had the thought in the back of his head since we bought the house. He told me he has a spreadsheet where he keeps track of how much he’s spent on me versus how much I’ve spent on him and he has spent thousands more on me, not even counting the money his parents gave us.

I told him that didn’t sound right since we split all costs 50/50, and he admitted it included my engagement ring. It is a family heirloom his great-aunt gave him, but he was counting the value of it.

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Later he apologized, but I’m still hurt and angry. I feel paranoid that maybe his family said something. I’m really sad that all this time I’ve been loving him and thinking he was wonderful, and he’s been thinking this way about me and even documenting it so he could throw it in my face.

He’s said the spreadsheet is just an “anxiety thing” and he loves me and wants us to work on fixing things. I think I do, too, but then I think of what he said and I get overwhelmed. How can I get over this?

“Gold Digger”: Whoo. I don’t know. I don’t know that I could.

He not only has kept the thought in the back of his mind for months? years? that you have poor values and ulterior motives and can’t be trusted, but kept records in the event he needs to prove it.

I wish I had a more hopeful answer for you. But he either lashed out impulsively and didn’t mean it, or accidentally told the truth — those are the only two choices — and the first is a stretch when there’s a spreadsheet as evidence of the second.

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Plus, the first is so vicious in its own right.

He says he loves you, okay. But trusts? Respects? Believes in?

Does he feel lucky every day to be the person you chose?

Best case, “just an ‘anxiety thing,’” still casts you as a threat to be controlled. So the “work on fixing things” doesn’t sound like DIY, but instead couples counseling at the least.

The family paranoia, by the way, is wasted stress — each of you stands on your own authority in choosing your partner, 100 percent, or you’re not ready to be anyone’s partner. If he’s that susceptible to their influence, then the problem is still between the two of you, so that’s where your attention belongs.

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