In March 2011, I stood exterior the door of my buddy’s backyard condo in Maui deeply respiratory within the contemporary ocean breeze drifting into the yard. I used to be considering how I’d ended up there with out my husband earlier than ducking again inside for a gathering with my friends.

On the time, I used to be married to somebody who didn’t wish to journey. He most well-liked to remain at dwelling again in Chicago and watch TV or restore Vespas. I, alternatively, appreciated to get out and discover. We have been glad, however life collectively was not overly thrilling, seemingly as a result of we married too younger, and I didn’t know precisely what I wished but out of a husband. Regardless, I used to be content material being away from dwelling on a brand new journey with my pals.

Two months later, my life was in shambles. My then-husband and I sat in a pile of our belongings in our eating room within the suburbs, bartering for objects as we labored by means of a divorce. “You possibly can take the silverware, however I would like the mattress,” he advised me. “Silverware isn’t value an total mattress,” I responded. I spent the subsequent few months dumping 1000’s of {dollars} right into a lawyer’s account as my soon-to-be ex-husband dodged the method server in a fruitless try and keep away from our divorce.

Quick-forward to February 2018. I used to be remarried to a musician. We’d been collectively for nearly six years, traveled after we might, and spent a giant chunk of time aside due to my profession as a journey author. I needed to return to Hawaii that month for work. No pals allowed. I spent my days interviewing surfers and my evenings writing in my journal on the balcony of my beachside lodge room.

One thing felt off, however I couldn’t fairly pinpoint it. In my journal, I referenced my earlier journey to Hawaii. I wrote about how I started contemplating divorce from my Vespa-loving husband. I contemplated the aftermath of my earlier marriage and acknowledged one thing was additionally incorrect with my present one. “I’m not saying I wish to get divorced now as a result of I don’t,” I wrote on the time. “However one thing about being right here makes me introspective, and I notice now that I’m not sad, however issues are … heavy. And that’s arduous.”

Shortly after I returned dwelling, I used to be within the slog of one other separation. My new ex had disappeared whereas I used to be out of city. We’d lately talked about having youngsters, and he advised me I used to be scaring him by bringing it up. The subsequent factor I knew, he and my cat have been gone, residing in Minnesota along with his mistress. The wrongness I felt in Hawaii wasn’t simply that he was dishonest. I used to be slowly realizing I’d additionally been intensely gaslit in addition to verbally and emotionally abused. The journeys I used to be taking in rapid-fire succession for work and with pals have been unconscious makes an attempt to get away from the ache.

After he left, I used to be in a half-empty home in Wisconsin, once more dumping 1000’s of {dollars} into a brand new lawyer’s checking account. On the opposite facet of that divorce, I got here to the one logical conclusion: I’m cursed. I believed that I ought to by no means go to Hawaii once more after I’m in a relationship as a result of each time I do, I get divorced.

On my preliminary journey to Maui, I took some black sand from a seaside again dwelling with me. Maybe that did it? Perhaps I’ve angered the volcano gods, and their revenge is to steal each partner away from me? It’s Jen versus the Volcano. I’d like to return that sand to Maui, however I don’t wish to endure yet one more breakup.

My present companion (we’re engaged; please be good, Hawaii) is aware of all in regards to the curse. He’d love to go to Hawaii with me, however I refuse. I already know the way it’ll go: We’ll be married by the point we go, then come dwelling, and instantly file paperwork. It’s destiny. He says that as a result of I went with out my spouses the earlier two occasions, touring with him will really break the curse. It’s a stunning, optimistic thought. Nevertheless, I’m not ready to take the prospect. I actually like this one.

In my journal, I explored how I really felt about my marriages.

The superstitious facet of my character blames my two disastrous marriages on Hawaii. In the end, I do know it’s not a tropical paradise’s fault that I received divorced twice. I used to be merely in quickly failing relationships and didn’t wish to admit it. But the attractive islands of Hawaii had a means of forcing me to confront my points.

On every journey, I unexpectedly spent plenty of time fascinated with the state of my marriages. I relate to water and the ever-changing, consistently shifting landscapes that kind the islands. They resonate in my soul. Because the waves are available and crash to shore, I really feel grounded within the drifting sand that the ocean pulls again because the water recedes. The method jogs my memory of the transient nature of life and conjures up me to consider my future — nevertheless lengthy I’ve left — and what I want from life. Then, I convey these emotions dwelling for deep-as-the-ocean conversations about my life with the folks I really like.

After my first go to to Hawaii, I acknowledged that I had an intense want to discover the world and that communication was severely missing in my marriage. I used to be ending faculty on the time and wished to do a semester overseas, however my then-husband wouldn’t permit it, hanging down the thought with none dialogue. I sulked for weeks earlier than my trip and by no means mentioned a single phrase to him about it. I imagine we have been too younger to have a completely grownup relationship, one thing I spotted on that doorstep in Maui.

I now know what really I would like in a companion.

I got here dwelling with desires of youngsters and the looming prospect of a geriatric being pregnant following my second go to. I used to be diving headfirst into my late 30s. At that time, my organic clock was ticking each day proper in entrance of my face. The desk of youngsters I sat subsequent to throughout my lei-making class on my final day in Honolulu didn’t assist. These youngsters have been annoyingly charming. I wished annoyingly charming. My husband on the time didn’t, and he bailed.

After every divorce, I used to be in a position to finally heal and transfer on. Now, I’m in a very good place with somebody who lastly shares the identical values, passions, and desires. We really feel mutually supported and place excessive significance on honesty and communication. I imagine I’ve a higher-quality relationship due to these two failed marriages. I discovered what I would like — and don’t need — in a companion. I’m not afraid to talk my thoughts, and neither is he. Curse or no curse, I’ve gratitude for my Hawaiian experiences. However I’m nonetheless not planning a visit any time quickly to the islands with my fiancé. As a substitute, we’re going to Antarctica.

Jennifer Billock is a Chicago-based author who has contributed to The New York Instances, Thrillist, Kitchn, Forbes, Psychological Floss, and Smithsonian journal.

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