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L.A. Affairs: He asked me out. In person. To my face!

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After I’m on the point of do stand-up, I lay my (written and rewritten) bits on playing cards out on the desk for evaluation. And I provide myself as much as the viewers. Will you chuckle with me? Do you want me?

In a method, I noticed, each five-minute set at an open mic just isn’t so in contrast to grabbing that first espresso with a Hinge date or anybody else you meet on an app lately.

The minute he walks in, you already know if the chemistry is there or not. Is he coming at you with clunky, rehearsed strains? Or is he being real? Do you wish to see him once more? Are you fortunate sufficient to peek right into a tiny crack that results in the guts?

The distinction is that I really feel solely comfy at an open mic. I don’t care if no person’s listening. I don’t care if nobody likes what I’m doing. I’m simply doing my homework. I don’t want anybody’s stamp of approval.

One way or the other, I can’t appear to make the most of this mind-set in my courting life. This could come as a shock to nobody however I truly actually wish to be appreciated!

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Sadly, I’ve but to have a primary date that ends with applause. So it’s arduous to inform.

However Los Angeles is a petri dish of ghosters, love-bombers, consideration seekers and narcissists. I’m one in all them. It’s a part of our devilish allure as a metropolis of entertainers. At 26, I’ve been out and in of so many relationships that I have a look at my buddies in dedicated relationships with the awe of a caveman taking a look at a lightbulb. I would like what they’ve. However how are they doing this? Are there actually folks on the market who truly wish to be with someone else? (And the place can I discover one?) Are there individuals who say what they imply and imply what they are saying?

I noticed a psychic final yr in Santa Monica. I informed him about my foibles in love and puzzled if I might ever be capable of discover somebody on this metropolis. As many individuals within the leisure business perceive, it’s not as simple as we make it look on a soundstage. He informed me that I ought to hand over as a result of if I desire a profitable profession, a person would solely get in the best way.

“You’ll be able to’t eat at McDonald’s and Wendy’s on the identical time. You could have to choose.”

I want I used to be making that up. That was an actual factor he mentioned to me. However I digress.

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I made a New 12 months’s decision to delete courting apps for good. Why? Within the month of December alone, I used to be ghosted thrice. In all the yr of 2021, there have been just too many courting failures to rely — together with some obtrusive sexual mishaps that can in all probability be clinically identified years down the road because the catalyst for my inevitable descent into insanity.

I deleted the apps and patted myself on the again as I entered the brand new yr. Devon: 1, expertise: 0.

Two days later, I went to the place I all the time go on Sundays — the open mic night time on the Improv, the place I throw my identify in a bucket and battle the urge to throw up till I’m known as on. Then I carry out for a crowd so tepid I would as effectively be again to the times of stand-up on Zoom. (Like in courting, approaching comedy as a approach to search validation is a one-way ticket to getting your coronary heart crushed.)

Then the inconceivable occurred.

An actual human man spoke to me. And requested — truly requested — to see me once more in a romantic context. He was additionally there for the open mic, and we’d struck up a dialog whereas leaning towards the identical wall, ready for our names to be known as. A number of hours later, he’d mentioned, “Am I loopy? Or ought to we hang around once more?” You aren’t loopy, I assured him. “Yeah, I’d like that.”

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As I went dwelling that night time, I couldn’t imagine it actually occurred. I felt like I simply received to cross off a brand new sq. in a recreation of L.A. bingo. Now I simply want to sit down by an unsolicited crypto lecture from my Uber driver or get a parking ticket in entrance of my home, and I win. My buddies have been shocked too after I informed them.

You see, it was the primary time I used to be requested out by somebody in actual life since highschool.

It felt like a miracle to be requested out by an precise human being within the bodily world.

I strutted into work that Monday with an air of confidence like by no means earlier than. My head was within the clouds till actuality struck — I didn’t actually know something concerning the man besides that he works at Dealer Joe’s. I didn’t know his social handles; I didn’t have a witty dating-app bio to obsess over. Even worse, I couldn’t present an image to my buddies so they may make a snap judgment about him, an important ingredient of date vetting.

I noticed this was a peculiar new courting downside, one which my fellow 20-somethings and I don’t usually fear about in a world the place courting apps are the norm: How might I correctly put together for our first date if I couldn’t cyberstalk him prematurely?

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The unknowing of all of it was killing me. How did folks put up with this in the olden days?

The primary date arrived and, someway, regardless of all my earlier psychological hyperactivity, I loved it. And I loved studying about this brand-new individual whereas in individual and slowly however certainly letting my guard down one millimeter at a time.

Even higher? We’re nonetheless courting.

It’s by no means been simple to search out connection on this metropolis, and the pandemic has had all the world madly chasing that dragon to restricted and spotty avail. However possibly it’s not nearly on the lookout for love. Possibly it’s about taking note of what’s in entrance of you. And possibly, proper now, that’s sufficient.

The writer is a slapstick comedian in Los Angeles, on Instagram and Twitter @imkevindane. She does a month-to-month present, “Flambo!,” on the Silverlake Lounge.

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L.A. Affairs chronicles the seek for romantic love in all its wonderful expressions within the L.A. space, and we wish to hear your true story. We pay $300 for a printed essay. E-mail LAAffairs@latimes.com. You could find submission tips right here. You could find previous columns right here.

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In 'Kinds of Kindness,' the cruelty is the point : Pop Culture Happy Hour

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In 'Kinds of Kindness,' the cruelty is the point : Pop Culture Happy Hour
Kinds of Kindness is a surprisingly weird, dark, and bleak film. It’s directed by Yorgos Lanthimos (Poor Things) and it reteams him with Emma Stone and Willem Dafoe, along with Jesse Plemons. Each actor plays different characters in three different stories — which all involve someone going to extreme measures to regain something they’ve lost.
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57 California native plants that survived the Ice Age to live on today

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57 California native plants that survived the Ice Age to live on today

At the La Brea Tar Pits and Museum, Jessie George and other paleobotanists — the folks who study ancient plants the way paleontologists study prehistoric bones — are compiling a list of California native plants that survived the Ice Age and the region’s first huge climate change and are still alive today.

The researchers believe we have much to learn from these resilient plants that adapted after millennia of severe temperature change, drought and wildfire that changed Southern California from moist and cool woodlands to the dry, shrubby chaparral landscape we see today.

Maybe, they say, these hardy plants can help our urban landscapes weather our current climate change.

Note that not all these survivors would be happy living near the Tar Pits today, and those are marked with an asterisk (*). Most pines, for instance, prefer wetter, cooler parts of the state, like the Central Coast, George said, and would not fare well in Southern California’s hot, dry climate.

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If you have a question about whether a native plant would work well in your area, talk to the experts at places like the Tree of Life Nursery and Theodore Payne Foundation, or consult the California Native Plant Society’s handy native plant database at Calscape.

For more on these Ice Age survivors, read our July 1 L.A. Times Plants newsletter.

Trees/tall shrubs

  • Monterey cypress (Hesperocyparis macrocarpa)
  • Cypress (Hesperocyparis sp.)*
  • California juniper (Juniperus californica)
  • Rocky Mountain juniper (Juniperus scopulorum)*
  • Bishop pine (Pinus muricata)*
  • Monterey pine (Pinus radiata)*
  • Pine (Pinus sp.)*
  • Torrey pine (Pinus torreyana)*
  • Blue elderberry (Sambucus mexicana)
  • American dogwood (Cornus sericea)*
  • Eastwood manzanita (Arctostaphylos cf. glandulosa)
  • Big berry manzanita (Arctostaphylos glauca)
  • Coast live oak (Quercus agrifolia)
  • Scrub oak (Quercus dumosa)
  • Southern California black walnut (Juglans californica)
  • California sycamore (Platanus racemosa)
  • Box elder (Acer negundo)
  • Willow (Salix sp.)

Grasses/rushes

  • Sedge (Carex sp.)
  • Spikerush (Eleocharis sp.)
  • Fimbry (Fimbristylis sp.)
  • Barley (Hordeum sp.)

Shrubs/vines

  • Big saltbush (Atriplex lentiformis)
  • Poison oak (Toxicodendron diversilobum)
  • Baccharis (Baccharis sp.)
  • Ceanothus (Ceanothus sp.)
  • Chamise (Adenostoma fasciculatum)
  • Toyon (Heteromeles arbutifolia)
  • California blackberry (Rubus ursinus)
  • Grape (Vitis sp.)
  • Parish’s purple nightshade (Solanum parishii)

Perennial herbs

  • Bur-reed (Sparganium eurycarpum)
  • Water parsley (Oenanthe sarmentosa)*
  • Ragweed (Ambrosia psilostachya)
  • Deltoid balsam root (Balsamorhiza deltoidea)*
  • Thistle (Cirsium sp.)
  • Aster (Symphyotrichum sp.)
  • Blue-eyed grass (Sisyrinchium bellum)
  • Willow dock (Rumex salicifolius)
  • White water buttercup (Ranunculus aquatilis)*
  • Three-petaled bedstraw (Galium trifidum)*

Annual herbs

  • Sunflower (Helianthus annuus)
  • Common madia (Madia elegans)
  • Clustered tarweed (Deinandra fasciculata)
  • Cocklebur (Xanthium strumarium)
  • False rosinweed (Osmadenia tenella)
  • Fiddleneck (Amsinckia sp.)
  • Phacelia (Phacelia sp.)
  • Carolina geranium (Geranium carolinianum)
  • Parry’s mallow (Eremalche parryi)
  • Red maids (Calandrinia menziesii)
  • Miner’s lettuce (Claytonia perfoliata)
  • Water montia (Montia fontana)
  • Little spring beauty (Claytonia exigua)*
  • California poppy (Eschscholzia californica)
  • Purple owl’s clover (Castilleja exserta)
  • Nuttall’s snapdragon (Antirrhinum nuttallianum)
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What does 'The Bear' restaurant review say? We take our best guess

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What does 'The Bear' restaurant review say? We take our best guess

Jeremy Allen White as Carmy Berzatto.

FX


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FX

Haven’t watched the season finale of The Bear yet? Then you probably don’t want to read this. Don’t blame us for spoilers. 

So what does that review say?

At the end of the third season of The Bear, Carmy (Jeremy Allen White) looks at his phone late one night and sees a review of his new restaurant, The Bear, in the Chicago Tribune. All we see are flashes of words and phrases, some seemingly good and some seemingly bad, and then Carmy says, “mother——,” and that’s the season.

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And look: The idea is to leave you uncertain about what the review says, and to be clear, the review could say a lot of things. Trying to decode the words we can see and come up with an idea of whether this is a good or a bad review is rank speculation. Rank, I say! So let’s speculate.

I’m really not excited to reveal how long I spent doing this, but what I am about to show you is the best rendering I can manage of the words (and parts of words) that they show in this little sequence. I present them in the form of a poem, since I can’t offer you screenshots. (These groups of words, of course, are undoubtedly not in this order in the actual review. And yes, I think this is a show that’s probably playing fair; I think these probably are all consistent with the actual review that we will eventually learn much more about.)

of flavors both d
the confusing mis
any apprehension

an almost sloppy fas
f innovative d
nu was a testa
complex array
, as each dish arrived, there
were excellent, sho
rt, leaving me fee

focus on pushing
true culinary gem
my experience at

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tto, offering a
palpable dissonance b
ng the chef’s brilliant cr
disappointed and craving
Feeling disapp

and downs, t
inconsistent
as resting on

undeniable inco
of delicious pe
tchen couldn’t

e. However,
was simple an
s the potential

Berzatto p

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s not subtract f

felt overdone

incredible
Carmen Berzatto

re tired a

t stale a
talent

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Clear as day, right?

For my money, the most interesting phrase comes from the screen that highlights the word “delicious.” Below that, you can see “tchen couldn’t.” My guess is that the full review uses the words “kitchen couldn’t.” And I’m going to further guess that “undeniable inco” is part of something like “undeniable inconsistency” or “undeniable incompleteness” — in other words, something negative. And in the middle, the word “delicious.”

So: what if the review is basically saying that there is an inconsistency in the operation because the kitchen isn’t doing a solid enough job?

That would also fit with this bit right here:

tto, offering a
palpable dissonance b
ng the chef’s brilliant cr
disappointed and craving
Feeling disapp

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Now, the “tto” is probably the end of Carmy’s name (although I suppose a word like “risotto” is possible). But right in the middle, you have “the chef’s brilliant cr,” which might be “the chef’s brilliant creations” or “the chef’s brilliant creativity” or something like that. And before that, you have “dissonance.” And after it, “disappointed.” Again, what if this is saying Carmy is a brilliant genius, but something is amiss in the staffing and the execution?

Could this also be what “an almost sloppy fas” is about? What if that says the dining room — Richie’s beloved dining room — operates in an almost sloppy fashion? It also occurred to me that it could be a reference to The Beef, that The Beef was “almost sloppy fast food” or something. Or perhaps Neil Fak is a little too sloppy for this reviewer’s refined tastes.

Here’s another interesting part:

f innovative d
nu was a testa
complex array

That middle line should be “menu was a testament,” right? The menu is a testament to something? Probably Carmy’s brilliance? The changing menu he’s been obsessed with? And that would fit with “f innovative d,” which could be, say, “of innovative dishes.”

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A prediction

Go back and read it all, like a poem, all together, and let it wash over you. Here’s what I think the review might say: Carmy is an amazing chef, full of potential, creative and amazing. But the rest of the team is not living up to his great ideas. In other words, I think the review says everybody else at The Bear needs to get on Carmy’s level.

If it says that, then that would explain why, after reading a review that (probably) calls him “brilliant,” he swears angrily. It would also complicate his obsession with his own standards to see the system he insisted on (the changing menu especially) wind up making him look good, but interfering so much with how the place runs that other people look bad.

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I want to stress that if this is all completely and totally wrong, it will be no surprise. The whole thing could be a misdirect, every word could be misleading — “the chef” might not be Carmy, “nu” could be “Keanu” instead of “menu,” you get the idea.

But to me, it would be consistent with this season if Carmy had the most pyrrhic of pyrrhic victories, and this review gave him what he wanted at the expense of the people he works with.

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