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Death doula says life is more meaningful if you 'get real' about the end

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Death doula says life is more meaningful if you 'get real' about the end

In Alua Arthur’s 2023 TED Talk, she said her ideal death would happen at sunset.

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In Alua Arthur’s 2023 TED Talk, she said her ideal death would happen at sunset.

Yeofi Andoh/HarperCollins

As a death doula, Alua Arthur helps people to plan for the end of life and, when the time comes, to let go. She says that while we’re conditioned to fear death, thinking and talking about it is instrumental to creating meaningful lives.

“When I’m thinking about my death, I’m thinking about my life very clearly: … What I value, who I care about, how I’m spending my time,” Arthur says. “And all these things allow us to reach the end of our lives gracefully, so that we can die without the fear and the concerns and the worries that many people carry.”

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Before becoming a death doula, Arthur worked as attorney — a job she hated. Unhappy and depressed, she took a trip to Cuba where she met a fellow traveler who had terminal uterine cancer. Talking to the woman about death, Arthur realized she needed to make a change.

“Up until then, I was just kind of waiting for my life to write itself without taking any action to make it so,” she says. “Thinking about my mortality, about my death, really created action.”

Arthur went on to found Going with Grace, an organization that supports people as they plan for the end of their lives. She says a big part of her work is helping people deal with regret as they reconcile the lives they lived with the lives they might have wanted.

“When folks are grappling with the choices that they’ve made, my role is to be there with them,” she says. “Sometimes the greatest gift that we can offer is grace. … Part of the reason why I named the business ‘Going with Grace’ is because of the grace that needs to be present at the end of life, for people to be able to let go of it.”

Arthur’s new book is Briefly Perfectly Human: Making an Authentic Life by Getting Real About the End.

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Interview highlights

Briefly Perfectly Human, by Alua Arthur
Briefly Perfectly Human, by Alua Arthur

On the death of her brother in law, Peter, in 2013

It was the first time I was really faced with this reality that the people that we love might not be here for much longer. It felt really isolating. I knew intellectually that there were a lot of other people that were ill and getting close to … the end of their lives, but it felt like we were the only ones that felt like we were on this little cancer planet by ourselves, where somebody we loved will soon be dying. And there wasn’t some one person that I could turn to to say, “Help! Just help. I’m lost here,” or “Today’s really hard,” or “How do we navigate this?” Or “What do we do with all these medications?” “Where can we find smaller sized hospital gowns that will arrive, like in the next days?” (Because he was losing weight so rapidly) We just needed some help and I mean, practically, but also just somebody to be there to listen, to rely upon, somebody that I could lean on as other people were leaning on me. …

Many people have already served as death doulas for somebody in their family, and most of us will at some point. Which is why I think it’s so important that we all have a functional death literacy, because we live in community. We die in community. At some point, a member of that community is going to need the support. So many of us are going to do it and already have. That’s how I learned how to do it is through Peter. I took courses afterwards, but that was the initial spark, the initial practical application of the work itself.

On facing grief

The thing about grief is whether or not you want to face it, it’s going to find its way through. Either we don’t acknowledge it emotionally, and it manifests itself in work, or our relationships, or addiction or some other traumatic event, or it shows up in our bodies as illness. But grief is present. Grief lives in the body and it must be accessed at some point. It will force its way. I think that since we push so many of our sad or difficult emotions away, we don’t allow space for grief because it is difficult. But I don’t yet know anybody who has died from grieving. It’s hard, and yet there is always another day, provided we choose the next day.

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On the importance of talking to your medical proxy

The first thing I encourage people to do is to think about the person who will make the decisions for them in the event that they can’t. That is a health care proxy or a medical power of attorney, or just somebody whose job it is to make your decisions. Somebody who would make decisions the way that you would. Not the way that they would, not the things that they want for you, but rather what you would want for yourself. And to begin communicating those desires to your health care proxy, because the communication of that desire is going to open up a beautiful, rich conversation about what you want with your life, how you want your life to eventually end, if that is the way that it’s going, and then get you started on the path toward planning for it.

On how not talking about death openly leads to fear and anxiety

I think a lot of the old way of thinking is largely responsible for the death phobia that we currently experience in today’s culture and society … where we pretend it’s not happening, where bodies are whisked away to funeral homes just moments after the death has occurred. We don’t take time with the body. We don’t take time to talk about death. We pretend it’s not happening until it’s too late. That death phobia has caused a real crisis, I think, in this country and in the West overall, where we are living out of relationship with nature and with our mortality, which is ultimately a detriment to us as a culture, but also to us as individuals.

On helping people who are at their worst

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People are most human when they are dying. They are at their fullest. That means their best and their worst. I think as people are approaching the end, they are grieving as well. They are grieving their own death. They are grieving all the things that they’re going to leave. I think we often forget that when somebody in our lives is dying, we are losing them, but they are losing everything and everyone and leaving the only place that they’ve known consciously. And so that brings about a lot of emotion, and some of it is anger and frustration. And sometimes disease causes personality changes. Sometimes there is some vitriol and sometimes it’s just really not pretty. … If we can be present for their experience, which often is rooted in fear, then I think it allows us to not take it so personally and to give them some grace for what it is that they are experiencing.

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On advice for caregivers

Give yourself plenty of grace. You, I’m sure, are doing amazing because this is really, really hard. … I wish somebody had said that to me at various points. … Next, I’d also encourage that people try to take a minute to check in with their bodies and take care of their bodies’ needs. Make sure that you’re eating to the best that you can … find pockets of rest where you can. To the extent that you can, speak your needs and let somebody else support you in it. If you have a need, no matter how small it might be, speak it and open the space for somebody to support you in it. And I’d also say reach out for some support if you can, not only to a friend … but there are plenty of doulas that are willing to support their community members at a free or reduced cost, maybe even a sliding scale. Reach out. There are plenty of resources that are available, but most importantly, if you hear nothing else, please just give yourself some grace for the process. It’s tough.

On advice for the moment you sit with a loved one during their death

Do your best to stay present. Do your best to stay in your body. It can be so confronting that the desire, the urge to disassociate or to distract is huge. And yet, if there’s somebody that you loved and cared for, if you could hold thoughts of love and care and honor and gratitude for their lives, that’s a really beautiful way to be during that time. And also, as always, give yourself plenty of grace for however it is that you’re approaching it. If there is somebody in the room that is having a bigger emotional reaction, ask for their consent before touching or interrupting it or being with it in any way. And not everybody who is crying wants the tears to stop, or needs a tissue to plug them up, or wants a hug. Maybe they want to stay present in their bodies without the imposition as well. … It’s utterly profound. Getting to witness the doorway to existence is a gift and a privilege and a huge honor. And so hopefully we can continue to treat it as such.

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Sam Briger and Thea Chaloner produced and edited this interview for broadcast. Bridget Bentz, Molly Seavy-Nesper and Beth Novey adapted it for the web.

Lifestyle

If you loved ‘Sinners,’ here’s what to watch next

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If you loved ‘Sinners,’ here’s what to watch next

Michael B. Jordan plays twin brothers Smoke and Stack in Sinners.

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What to watch if you loved…

Ryan Coogler’s supernatural horror stars Michael B. Jordan playing twin brothers who open a 1930s juke joint in Mississippi. Opening night does not go as planned when vampires appear outside. “In a straightforward metaphor for all the ways Black culture has been co-opted by whiteness, the raucous pleasures and sonic beauty of the juke joint attract the interest of a trio of demons … they wish to literally leech off of the talents and energy of Black folks,” writes critic Aisha Harris. The film made history with a record 16 Academy Award nominations.

We asked our NPR audience: What movie would you recommend to someone who loved Sinners? Here’s what you told us:

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Near Dark (1987)
Directed by Kathryn Bigelow; starring Adrian Pasdar, Jenny Wright, Lance Henriksen
If you want another cool vampire movie with Western kind of vibes, check out Kathryn Bigelow’s Near Dark — super underseen and kind of hard to find, but really gritty and sexy and another very different take on what you might think is a genre that had been wrung dry. – Maggie Grossman, Chicago, Ill.

30 Days of Night (2007)
Directed by David Slade; starring Josh Hartnett, Melissa George, Danny Huston
It follows a group of people in a small Alaskan town as they struggle to survive an invasion of vampires who have taken advantage of the month-long absence of the sun. Both this and Sinners revolve around a vampire takeover and the people’s fight to outlast the “night.” – Nathan Strzelewicz, DeWitt, Mich.

The Wailing (2016)
Directed by Na Hong-jin; starring Kwak Do-won, Hwang Jung-min, Chun Woo-hee, Jun Kunimura
In this South Korean supernatural horror film, a mysterious illness causes people in a quiet rural village to become violent and murderous. A local police officer investigates while trying to save his daughter, who begins showing the same disturbing symptoms. The film blends folk horror, religion, and psychological dread, exploring themes of faith, evil, and moral weakness. Like Sinners, it centers on a supernatural force corrupting a close-knit community, builds slow-burning tension, and examines spiritual conflict and human frailty. – Amy Merke, Bronx, N.Y.

Fréwaka (2024)
Directed by Aislinn Clarke; starring Bríd Ní Neachtain, Clare Monnelly, Aleksandra Bystrzhitskaya
In this Irish folk horror film, a home care worker, Shoo, is assigned to stay with an elderly woman who’s convinced she’s under siege by malevolent fairies. Like Sinners, Fréwaka blends folk traditions and social commentary with horror. The social failures Shoo copes with (untreated mental health issues, religious abuse) are just as frightening as the supernatural forces. – Kerrin Smith, Baltimore, Md.

And a bonus pick from our critic:

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Ma Rainey’s Black Bottom (2020)
Directed by George C. Wolfe; starring Viola Davis, Chadwick Boseman, Glynn Turman
This is an adaptation of August Wilson’s play about a legendary blues singer (Viola Davis) muscling through a recording session with white producers who want to control her music. Chadwick Boseman’s blistering in his final role. – Bob Mondello, NPR movie critic

Carly Rubin and Ivy Buck contributed to this project. It was edited by Clare Lombardo.

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Solar energy for renters has taken off in 10 states. Not in California

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Solar energy for renters has taken off in 10 states. Not in California

The tiny town of West Goshen, Calif., was exactly the kind of place that community solar was designed for.

Near Visalia, most of its 500 residents live in mobile homes, where companies won’t install rooftop panels without a solid foundation. And until recently, they used propane for heating and cooking, with price fluctuations in the winter posing hardships for low-income families.

Community solar, in which residents get a discount on their bills for subscribing as a group to small solar arrays nearby, was designed to help low-income residents, apartment dwellers, renters and others who can’t put panels on their own roofs.

Over the last 11 years, New York, Maine, Minnesota, Massachusetts and other states have built thriving community solar programs. But California has built, at most, only 34 projects since 2015, and experts say that’s a generous accounting.

“We’ve had community solar for a dozen years, and it simply has not produced anything of scale and anything of note,” said Derek Chernow, director of Californians for Local, Affordable Solar and Storage, a developer trade group that’s pushing to get a more robust program off the ground. “Projects don’t pencil out.”

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The West Goshen residents were among the lucky few, becoming part of a community solar project in 2024.

“It has kind of allowed us to kind of breathe a little bit,” said resident and community organizer Melinda Metheney. Her bill has dropped by about $300 in the summer months, thanks to the 20% community solar discount, stacked with other low-income discounts and clean energy incentives, she said.

West Goshen’s panels sit about 10 miles out of town, in a field surrounded by farms. Energy and climate experts agree California must add much more clean energy to its grid, some 6 gigawatts by 2032, the California Public Utilities Commission said in a new plan last week.

Assemblymember Christopher M. Ward (D-San Diego), who in 2022 authored a bill to create a more effective community solar program, said the state needs to double its annual solar installation rate to reach that goal and is not on track to do that using only large utility-scale solar farms and individual rooftop arrays.

“We need mid-scale community solar,” he said.

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Aerial view of solar panels installed on top of Extra Space Storage in Pico Rivera

Energy and climate experts agree California must add much more clean energy to its grid, some 6 gigawatts by 2032, the California Public Utilities Commission said in a new plan last week. Above, solar panels at Extra Space Storage in Pico Rivera.

(Kayla Bartkowski / Los Angeles Times)

He and a coalition of environmental groups, solar developers and the Utility Reform Network, a ratepayer advocacy group, worked to put his 2022 law into effect. They coalesced around requiring utilities to pay community solar developers and customers for the electricity they feed to the grid using the same formula they use for people who install rooftop solar.

But in May 2024, the California Public Utilities Commission decided to go with a late-in-the-game proposal backed by the state’s investor-owned utilities to pay community solar at a lower rate.

The agency, along with its public advocate’s office, argued that crediting solar developers at the higher rate would raise bills for customers who don’t have solar, who would still have to shoulder the cost of grid maintenance. It’s similar to the argument they’ve made to cut incentives for rooftop solar.

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The new program relied on federal money, including the Biden administration’s Solar for All, to sweeten the deal for developers. But the utilities commission spent very little of the $250 million available under that grant before the Trump administration tried to claw it back last summer, and now it is held up in litigation.

At a legislative oversight hearing last week, Kerry Fleisher, the commission’s director of distributed energy resources, blamed the loss for the new program’s failure to launch.

“There’s been a tremendous amount of uncertainty in terms of the Solar for All funding that was intended to supplement this program,” Fleisher said. “That’s part of the reason why this has taken longer than normal.” She said the commission still plans to release a program in the next several months.

Ward, the San Diego lawmaker who wrote the community solar bill, called the program “fatally flawed” in an interview.

He’s now considering a bill to bring the community solar program more in line with what he initially envisioned — higher incentives, requirements for battery storage, and compliance with state law that mandates new houses be built with solar.

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A study last year funded by a solar trade group found that could save California’s electric system $6.5 billion over 20 years. But Ward’s effort to revive his program last year failed to pass the Assembly appropriations committee.

“All the other states in our country that have adopted similar community solar program models, they are working,” said Ward, adding that 22 states have programs comparable to the one solar advocates want in California. “The writing on the wall suggests that, exactly as we feared years ago, this was not the way to go.”

California Public Utilities Commission spokesperson Terrie Prosper called California “a leader in cost-effective, least-cost solar deployment overall compared to any other state,” in an emailed statement.

Under the commission’s definition, the state has brought on 34 projects, representing 235 megawatts of community solar. But studies from groups such as the Institute for Local Self-Reliance and Wood Mackenzie use different definitions for community solar, and they show California far behind at least 10 other states.

Meanwhile, advocates and developers involved in successful community solar projects in California say they were difficult to get off the ground.

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A view of homes in the Avocado Heights area of Los Angeles County

Homes in the Avocado Heights area of Los Angeles County are part of a community solar project.

(Kayla Bartkowski / Los Angeles Times)

One that came online in May in the unincorporated communities of Bassett and Avocado Heights in the San Gabriel Valley provides solar electricity to about 400 low-income residents. They get 20% discounts on their electric bills for subscribing to panels installed on two Extra Space Storage building rooftops in Pico Rivera.

Organizers said it took nearly five years to find the right location and comply with utility requirements. They also got a grant in addition to funding provided by the state utilities commission’s solar program.

It “would not have happened if it hadn’t been for the grant,” said Genaro Bugarin, a director at the Energy Coalition nonprofit that proposed and coordinated the project.

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Brandon Smithwood, vice president of policy at Dimension Energy, the developer for the project in West Goshen, said he still hopes to see a community solar program in California that compensates projects for the way they help out the grid.

“We’ve seen it can work, and we know what we have won’t work,” Smithwood said at the hearing.

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Mundane, magic, maybe both — a new book explores ‘The Writer’s Room’

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Mundane, magic, maybe both — a new book explores ‘The Writer’s Room’

There’s a three-story house in Baltimore that looks a bit imposing. You walk up the stone steps before even getting up to the porch, and then you enter the door and you’re greeted with a glass case of literary awards. It’s The Clifton House, formerly home of Lucille Clifton.

The National Book Award-winning poet lived there with her husband, Fred, starting in 1967 until the bank foreclosed on the house in 1980. Clifton’s daughter, Sidney Clifton, has since revived the house and turned it into a cultural hub, hosting artists, readings, workshops and more. But even during a February visit, in the mid-afternoon with no organized events on, the house feels full.

The corner of Lucille Clifton's bedroom, where she would wake up and write in the mornings

The corner of Lucille Clifton’s bedroom, where she would wake up and write in the mornings

Andrew Limbong/NPR


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“There’s a presence here,” Clifton House Executive Director Joël Díaz told me. “There’s a presence here that sits at attention.”

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Sometimes, rooms where famous writers worked can be places of ineffable magic. Other times, they can just be rooms.

The Writer’s Room: The Hidden Worlds That Shape the Books We Love

Princeton University Press

Katie da Cunha Lewin is the author of the new book, The Writer’s Room: The Hidden Worlds That Shape the Books We Love, which explores the appeal of these rooms. Lewin is a big Virginia Woolf fan, and the very first place Lewin visited working on the book was Monk’s House — Woolf’s summer home in Sussex, England. On the way there, there were dreams of seeing Woolf’s desk, of retracing Woolf’s steps and imagining what her creative process would feel like. It turned out to be a bit of a disappointment for Lewin — everything interesting was behind glass, she said. Still, in the book Lewin writes about how she took a picture of the room and saved it on her phone, going back to check it and re-check it, “in the hope it would allow me some of its magic.”

Let’s be real, writing is a little boring. Unlike a band on fire in the recording studio, or a painter possessed in their studio, the visual image of a writer sitting at a desk click-clacking away at a keyboard or scribbling on a piece of paper isn’t particularly exciting. And yet, the myth of the writer’s room continues to enrapture us. You can head to Massachusetts to see where Louisa May Alcott wrote Little Women. Or go down to Florida to visit the home of Zora Neale Hurston. Or book a stay at the Scott & Zelda Fitzgerald Museum in Alabama, where the famous couple lived for a time. But what, exactly, is the draw?

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Lewin said in an interview that whenever she was at a book event or an author reading, an audience question about the writer’s writing space came up. And yes, some of this is basic fan-driven curiosity. But also “it started to occur to me that it was a central mystery about writing, as if writing is a magic thing that just happens rather than actually labor,” she said.

In a lot of ways, the book is a debunking of the myths we’re presented about writers in their rooms. She writes about the types of writers who couldn’t lock themselves in an office for hours on end, and instead had to find moments in-between to work on their art. She covers the writers who make a big show of their rooms, as a way to seem more writerly. She writes about writers who have had their homes and rooms preserved, versus the ones whose rooms have been lost to time and new real estate developments. The central argument of the book is that there is no magic formula to writing — that there is no daily to-do list to follow, no just-right office chair to buy in order to become a writer. You just have to write.

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