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'May love rest gently in your broken heart': What to say to a grieving friend

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'May love rest gently in your broken heart': What to say to a grieving friend

It can be tricky to offer condolences to someone who is grieving. You want to show your friend you love them, but you also know there isn’t much you can say to heal your friend’s pain.

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This month, we asked our audience: What words of comfort do you say to a friend whose loved one has passed away? It was part of a podcast episode and story we did on how to support a grieving friend.

We received dozens of emails on this question. Some people shared the exact messages they sent to their own good friends. Others who have experienced loss told us what not to say — and what they wished people said instead.

As many can attest, it can be tricky to offer condolences — you want to show your friend you love them, but you also know there isn’t much you can say to heal your friend’s pain. Here are some ideas about what to say to a grieving friend. These responses have been edited for length and clarity.

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‘May love rest gently in your broken heart’ 

Our 29-year-old son died unexpectedly in September. There really are no words to console us. Most comments that mention healing or finding peace, however well-intentioned, feel so unrealistic and oblivious to the depth of our loss. I hope we do find peace and some degree of healing eventually, but right now I need to sit with my grief.

I’ve thought a lot more about what I say to those who are grieving. The (barely) best I’ve come up with so far is: “May love rest gently in your broken heart.” —Betsy Hooper-Rosebrook 

A simple way to break the ice 

When my husband passed away unexpectedly five years ago, it was so hard for me to go to the grocery store or the post office. Everyone asked me, “How are you doing?” I felt like I needed to respond in a way that assured the other person I was OK when I was not.

However, two friends would always say, “It’s so good to see you,” and give me a hug. That took the pressure off of me. So now, with my grieving friends, I try to say that too. —Cindy Jackelen

Tell your friend they are wonderful 

On a card, I usually say something like, “I know their life was better because you were in it.” People have commented that they loved hearing that. —Connie DeMillo

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‘Sorry for your loss’ does not cut it 

Of course it is exactly what you mean and is probably sincere, but it’s stock language. Come up with an original, personal message that’s your own. Ask yourself: What would you want someone to say to you if you were in that situation? Give that person the gift of five minutes’ thought and empathy. —Beth Howard 

This illustration shows a wall with multiple arched open windows. Figures are sitting on the windowsills, with heads tilted downward in deep contemplation.

Send your friend a message of support on the death anniversary of their loved one. “It helps relieve the burden of grief when it is acknowledged and shared,” says reader Thomas McCabe.

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Mark death anniversaries on your calendar 

I lost my wife of 42 years to cancer ten years ago. I always dread the approach of her death anniversary. But it’s comforting to receive a text from someone who remembers that day as well.

I have a friend who lost both her husband and her only child to cancer. I’ve marked those dates in my calendar and I send a simple text that says “Sending love to you today.” It helps relieve the burden of grief when it is acknowledged and shared. —Thomas McCabe 

Bring up their laugh 

Say, “I’ll always remember their laugh.” Every time I’ve said it to a grieving person, they perked up, smiled and were truly thankful. —James Vandeputte

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Don’t say nothing

Having lost my son when he was 20, don’t say nothing. Saying something doesn’t remind a grieving friend of their loss. It’s already on their mind 24/7. —David Lavallee

Sit with them quietly

When my mother passed away in 1998, it was very difficult for me. Friends called and came by and said the typical condolences. I didn’t want to hear any of it.

I was sitting alone in my living room quietly when my then 14-year-old son reached out and held my hand. He sat with me and never said anything. After a while, he got up and went back to his room.

In that moment, I found total comfort and understanding. I knew I would get through this sadness. I wondered how my son could know this was all I needed. Sometimes, just sitting with a person and saying nothing is everything. —Sharon S. Barnes

Validate their pain 

Several years ago, I had to deal with the death of two brothers and both parents over a span of about five years. I talked to a friend who had some training in grief counseling, and we worked out together some words to help me grieve and understand. It goes like this:

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Your world has been shattered and is in a million pieces. It no longer makes sense. You can’t see how you can live and breathe and move in this world. But, given time, you will be able to put it back together. It won’t be the same world that you knew before, because there will always be a piece missing — forever. But you’ll be able to live and move in this new world that you’ve put together. Eventually, this world will make sense and start to work for you. You’re even allowed to go visit the place where the piece is missing and grieve.

I’ve been able to pass these words on to others who have been in severe grief, even strangers, and it seems to help. Maybe you can pass this message on to others. —Dan Corbett 

Share the silliest memories 

My mother-in-law died recently at the age of 94. Upon her death, I reminded my wife of 35 years of a humorous event that occurred when my mother-in-law was a mere 80 years old. We were walking behind her into her house and later, the same evening, I told my wife that her mom had a cute butt. When I reminded my wife of that, we both laughed and cried. —Wayne Mac 

Thank you to everyone who wrote in with your words of support and love for grieving friends. 

The digital story was edited by Meghan Keane. The visual producer is Beck Harlan.

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No matter what happens at the Oscars, Delroy Lindo embraces ‘the joy of this moment’

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No matter what happens at the Oscars, Delroy Lindo embraces ‘the joy of this moment’

Delroy Lindo is nominated for an Oscar for best supporting actor for his role in Sinners.

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Over the course of his decades-long career on stage and in Hollywood, Sinners actor Delroy Lindo has experienced firsthand what he calls the “disappointments, the vicissitudes of the industry.”

On Feb. 22, at the BAFTA awards in London, Lindo and Sinners co-star Michael B. Jordan were the first presenters of the evening when a man with Tourette syndrome shouted a racial slur.

Initially, Lindo says, he questioned if he had heard correctly. Then, he says, he adjusted his glasses and read the teleprompter: “I processed in the way that I process, in a nanosecond. Mike did similarly, and we went on and did our jobs.”

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Lindo describes the BAFTA incident as “something that started out negatively becoming a positive.” A week after the BAFTAs, he appeared with Sinners director Ryan Coogler at the NAACP awards.

“The fact that I could stand there in a room predominantly of our people …  and feel safe, feel loved, feel supported,” he says. “I just wanted to officially, formally say thank you to our people and to all of the people who have supported us as a result of that event, that incident.”

Sinners is a haunting vampire thriller about twins (both played by Jordan) who open a juke joint in 1930s Mississippi. The film has been nominated for a record 16 Academy Awards, including best actor for Jordan and best supporting actor for Lindo, who plays a blues musician named Delta Slim.

This is Lindo’s first Oscar nomination; five years ago, many felt his performance in the Spike Lee film Da 5 Bloods deserved recognition from the Academy. When that didn’t happen, Lindo admits he was disappointed, but he had no choice but to move on.

“I have never taken my marbles and gone home,” he says. “And I want to claim that I will not do that now. I will continue working.”

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Interview highlights

On his preparation to play Delta Slim

Various people have mentioned … [that] my presence reminds them of an uncle or their grandfather, somebody that they knew from their families, and that is a huge compliment, but more importantly than being a compliment, it’s an affirmation for the work. My preparation for this started with Ryan sending me two books, Blues People, by Amiri Baraka — who was [known as] LeRoi Jones when he wrote the book — and Deep Blues, by Robert Palmer.

DELROY LINDO as Delta Slim in Warner Bros. Pictures’ “SINNERS,” a Warner Bros. Pictures release. Source:

Lindo, shown above in his role as Delta Slim, says director Ryan Coogler “created a sacred space for all of us” on the Sinners set.

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In reading those books and then referencing those books, continuing to reference those throughout production, I was given an entrée into the worlds, the lifestyles of these musicians. There’s a certain kind of itinerant quality that they moved around a lot. The constant for them is their music, so that there is this deep-seated connection to the music.

On being Oscar-nominated for the first time — and thinking about other Black actors, including Halle Berry and Lou Gossett Jr., who had trouble getting work after their wins

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I will not view it as a curse, because I am claiming the victory in this process, no matter what happens. … In terms of this moment, I absolutely am claiming, as much as I can, the joy of this moment. I’m not saying I don’t have trepidation, I do. It’s the reason I was not listening to the broadcast this year when the nominations were announced. I did not want to set myself up. But I’m … attempting as much as I can to fortify myself and know in my heart that I will continue working as an actor. I absolutely will.

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On being “othered” as a child because of his race

Because my mom was studying to be a nurse they would not allow her to have an infant child with her on campus, so as a result of that, I was sent to live with a white family in a white working class area of London. … I was loved, I was cared for, but as a result of living with this family in this all-white neighborhood, I went to an all-white elementary or primary school. And I was literally the only Black child in an all-white school.

So one afternoon, after school had ended, I was playing with one of my playmates … And at a certain point in our game, a car pulls up, and this kid that I was playing with goes over to the car and has a very short conversation with whomever was in the car, which I now know was his parent, his father. He comes back and he … says, “I can’t play with you.” And that was the end of the game.

On the experience of writing his forthcoming memoir

It’s been healing, actually. I’m not denying that it has opened me up. I’ve been compelled to scrutinize myself. I’m using that word very advisedly, “scrutinized.” It’s a scrutiny, it’s an examination of oneself. But in my case, because a very, very, very significant part of what I’m writing has to do with re-examining my relationship with my mom. And so my mom is a protagonist in my memoir. I’m told by my editor and by my publisher that one of the attractions to what I’m writing is that it is not a classic “celebrity memoir.” I am examining history. I’m examining culture. I’m looking at certain passages of history through the lens of the “Windrush” experience [of Caribbean immigrants who came to the UK after World War II].

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On getting a masters degree to help him write his mother’s story

My mom deserved it. My mom is deserving. And not only is my mom deserving, by extension, all the people of the Windrush generation are deserving. Stories about Windrush are not part of the global cultural lexicon commensurate with its impact. The people of Windrush changed the definition of what it means to be British. There are all these Black and brown people, theretofore members of what used to be called the British Commonwealth. And they were invited by the British government to come to England, the United Kingdom, to help rebuild the United Kingdom in the aftermath of the destruction of World War II. My mom was part of that movement. They helped rebuild construction, construction industry, transportation industry, critically, the health industry, the NHS, the National Health Service. My mom is a nurse.

The reason that I went into NYU was because my original intention was to write a screenplay about my mom. I wanted to write a screenplay about my mom because I looked around and I thought: Where are the feature films that have as protagonist a Caribbean female, a Black female, where are they? … I wanted to address that, I wanted to correct that, what I see as being an imbalance.

Ann Marie Baldonado and Susan Nyakundi produced and edited this interview for broadcast. Bridget Bentz, Molly Seavy-Nesper and Beth Novey adapted it for the web.

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If you loved ‘Sinners,’ here’s what to watch next

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If you loved ‘Sinners,’ here’s what to watch next

Michael B. Jordan plays twin brothers Smoke and Stack in Sinners.

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What to watch if you loved…

Ryan Coogler’s supernatural horror stars Michael B. Jordan playing twin brothers who open a 1930s juke joint in Mississippi. Opening night does not go as planned when vampires appear outside. “In a straightforward metaphor for all the ways Black culture has been co-opted by whiteness, the raucous pleasures and sonic beauty of the juke joint attract the interest of a trio of demons … they wish to literally leech off of the talents and energy of Black folks,” writes critic Aisha Harris. The film made history with a record 16 Academy Award nominations.

We asked our NPR audience: What movie would you recommend to someone who loved Sinners? Here’s what you told us:

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Near Dark (1987)
Directed by Kathryn Bigelow; starring Adrian Pasdar, Jenny Wright, Lance Henriksen
If you want another cool vampire movie with Western kind of vibes, check out Kathryn Bigelow’s Near Dark — super underseen and kind of hard to find, but really gritty and sexy and another very different take on what you might think is a genre that had been wrung dry. – Maggie Grossman, Chicago, Ill.

30 Days of Night (2007)
Directed by David Slade; starring Josh Hartnett, Melissa George, Danny Huston
It follows a group of people in a small Alaskan town as they struggle to survive an invasion of vampires who have taken advantage of the month-long absence of the sun. Both this and Sinners revolve around a vampire takeover and the people’s fight to outlast the “night.” – Nathan Strzelewicz, DeWitt, Mich.

The Wailing (2016)
Directed by Na Hong-jin; starring Kwak Do-won, Hwang Jung-min, Chun Woo-hee, Jun Kunimura
In this South Korean supernatural horror film, a mysterious illness causes people in a quiet rural village to become violent and murderous. A local police officer investigates while trying to save his daughter, who begins showing the same disturbing symptoms. The film blends folk horror, religion, and psychological dread, exploring themes of faith, evil, and moral weakness. Like Sinners, it centers on a supernatural force corrupting a close-knit community, builds slow-burning tension, and examines spiritual conflict and human frailty. – Amy Merke, Bronx, N.Y.

Fréwaka (2024)
Directed by Aislinn Clarke; starring Bríd Ní Neachtain, Clare Monnelly, Aleksandra Bystrzhitskaya
In this Irish folk horror film, a home care worker, Shoo, is assigned to stay with an elderly woman who’s convinced she’s under siege by malevolent fairies. Like Sinners, Fréwaka blends folk traditions and social commentary with horror. The social failures Shoo copes with (untreated mental health issues, religious abuse) are just as frightening as the supernatural forces. – Kerrin Smith, Baltimore, Md.

And a bonus pick from our critic:

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Ma Rainey’s Black Bottom (2020)
Directed by George C. Wolfe; starring Viola Davis, Chadwick Boseman, Glynn Turman
This is an adaptation of August Wilson’s play about a legendary blues singer (Viola Davis) muscling through a recording session with white producers who want to control her music. Chadwick Boseman’s blistering in his final role. – Bob Mondello, NPR movie critic

Carly Rubin and Ivy Buck contributed to this project. It was edited by Clare Lombardo.

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