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Column: 'The Onion buys Infowars' is not the craziest headline this week

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Column: 'The Onion buys Infowars' is not the craziest headline this week

Here’s a quiz. Read the following sentences and decide if they’re a headline from satirical news site the Onion or my summaries of comments from the unironic mind of conspiracy theorist Alex Jones and his disinformation network, Infowars.

Cloaked Hillary Clinton beckons Harris to follow her into woods.

Majority of frogs in the United States are now gay.

Dolphin spends amazing vacation swimming with stockbroker.

Deadly floods in Texas generated by Air Force’s weather machine.

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Hard to tell, but from here on out, you may not need to because the two entities are poised to live under the same umbrella.

The Onion bought Infowars. And no, this is not a jokey Onion headline. (Quiz answers appear below.)

Thursday it was revealed that the Onion won an auction to acquire Infowars, Alex Jones’ vile repository of harmful lies that was sold as part of a defamation settlement after he falsely claimed that the Sandy Hook Elementary School shooting in Connecticut was a hoax. Jones was found guilty of defamation in 2022 by juries in Texas and Connecticut.

“Our goal in a couple of years is for people to think of Infowars as the funniest and dumbest website that exists,” said Ben Collins, the Onion’s CEO. “It was previously the dumbest website that exists.”

The Onion’s bid was backed by the families of eight victims of the 2012 Sandy Hook massacre and a first responder. A federal judge in Texas ordered a hearing into how the Onion won the bidding after Jones and his lawyers raised questions about how the auction was conducted, but not before the Onion shut down Infowars in preparation for its grand transformation from a hateful fake news empire to a parody of a hateful fake news empire.

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Should the deal go through, the Onion will have an exclusive advertising agreement with the gun control group Everytown for Gun Safety.

“We thought it would be a very funny joke if we bought this thing, probably one of the better jokes we’ve ever told,” Collins told the Associated Press. “The [Sandy Hook] families decided they would effectively join our bid, back our bid, to try to get us over the finish line. Because by the end of the day, it was us or Alex Jones, who could either continue this website unabated, basically unpunished, for what he’s done to these families over the years, or we could make a dumb, stupid website, and we decided to do the second thing.”

Jones is renowned for “reexamining” American tragedies and decrying them as a hoax. According to him, 9/11 was an inside job, the Boston Marathon bombing was staged by the FBI and the shooting of former Arizona Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords was part of a clandestine mind-control operation.

Alongside the lies and conspiracy theories, Jones used Infowars to sell millions of dollars’ worth of merchandise such as DVDs and T-shirts, building a media empire that spanned the web, radio and subscription video. But his major source of revenue was a collection of dietary supplements catering to the specific needs and paranoias of his fan base: Infowars Life Silver Bullet Colloidal Silver. Infowars Life Super Male Vitality. Infowars Life Liver Shield.

Now add humor to the mix, and drop the rest of that other stuff.

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One need to look no further than the Onion’s leading editorial Friday to see why Infowars has a bright future in the comedic fictional news zone. The Onion’s make-believe owner, Bryce P. Tetraeder, Global Tetrahedron CEO, penned the explainer about why he chose to buy Jones’ reprehensible site.

“Founded in 1999 on the heels of the Satanic ‘panic’ and growing steadily ever since, Infowars has distinguished itself as an invaluable tool for brainwashing and controlling the masses,” he wrote. “With a shrewd mix of delusional paranoia and dubious anti-aging nutrition hacks, they strive to make life both scarier and longer for everyone, a commendable goal. They are a true unicorn, capable of simultaneously inspiring public support for billionaires and stoking outrage at an inept federal state that can assassinate JFK but can’t even put a man on the moon.”

Tetraeder’s X account describes him as “Global Tetrahedron CEO, chairman, media proprietor, entrepreneur, human trafficker, thought leader, and venture capitalist.”

But what is he really? Let’s ask Jones. He’s a corporate tendrils, deep-state expert. Or was.

In a video posted on Thursday, Jones railed about the sale, calling it unconstitutional. “I don’t know what’s going to happen, but I’m going to be here until they come in there and turn the lights off,” he said.

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Write your own “Disgraced CEO found in dark closet of old office” headline here.

As for the quiz,”Cloaked Hillary” and the vacationing dolphin were from the Onion.

The gay frogs and Air Force weather machine were from Jones.

But they’re no more outlandish than recent headlines about a Fox News co-host and combat veteran running the Department of Defense, or an anti-vaxxer picked to lead the Department of Health and Human Services. If only those were fake.

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Federal judge blocks ICE from arresting immigrants who show up for court appointments in Northern California

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Federal judge blocks ICE from arresting immigrants who show up for court appointments in Northern California

A federal judge in San Francisco on Wednesday barred Immigration and Customs Enforcement and its Justice Department counterpart from “sweeping” civil arrests at immigration courthouses across Northern California, teeing up an appellate challenge to one of the Trump administration’s most controversial deportation tactics.

“This circumstance presents noncitizens in removal proceedings with a Hobson’s choice between two irreparable harms,” Judge P. Casey Pitts wrote in his Christmas Eve decision.

“First, they may appear in immigration court and face likely arrest and detention,” the judge wrote. “Alternatively, noncitizens may choose not to appear and instead to forego their opportunity to pursue their claims for asylum or other relief from removal.”

Wednesday’s decision blocks ICE and the Department of Justice’s Executive Office for Immigration Review from lying in wait for asylum seekers and other noncitizens at routine hearings throughout the region — a move that would effectively restore pre-Trump prohibition on such arrests.

“Here, ICE and EOIR’s prior policies governing courthouse arrests and detention in holding facilities provide a standard,” the judge said.

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Authorities have long curbed arrests at “sensitive locations”— such as hospitals, houses of worship and schools — putting them out of reach of most civil immigration enforcement.

The designation was first established decades ago under ICE’s predecessor agency, Immigration and Naturalization Services. ICE absorbed the prohibitions when the agency was formed in the wake of the Sept. 11 attacks.

Courts were added to the list under President Obama. The policy prohibiting most courthouse arrests was suspended during the first Trump administration and reinstated by President Biden.

Internal ICE guidance from the Biden era found “[e]xecuting civil immigration enforcement actions in or near a courthouse may chill individuals’ access to courthouses and, as a result, impair the fair administration of justice.”

Nevertheless, the agency’s courthouse policy was reversed again earlier this year, leading to a surge in arrests, and a staggering drop in court appearances, court records show.

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Most who do not show up are ordered removed in absentia.

Monthly removal in absentia orders more than doubled this year, to 4,177 from fewer than 1,600 in 2024, justice department data show.

More than 50,000 asylum seekers have been ordered removed after failing to appear in court hearings since January — more than were ordered removed in absentia in the previous five years combined.

“ICE cannot choose to ignore the ‘costs’ of its new policies—chilling the participation of noncitizens in their removal proceedings —and consider only the policies’ purported ‘benefits’ for immigration enforcement,” Pitts wrote in his stay order.

That ruling likely sets the San Francisco case on a collision course with other lawsuits seeking to curb ICE’s incursions into spaces previously considered off-limits. This suit was brought by a group of asylum seekers who braved the risk and were detained when they showed up to court.

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One, a 24-year-old Guatemalan asylum seeker named Yulisa Alvarado Ambrocio, was spared detention only because her breastfeeding 11-month-old was with her in court, records show. Administration lawyers told the court ICE would almost certainly pick her up at her next hearing.

Such arrests appear arbitrary and capricious, and are unlikely to survive scrutiny by the courts, Judge Pitts ruled Wednesday.

“That widespread civil arrests at immigration courts could have a chilling effect on noncitizens’ attendance at removal proceedings (as common sense, the prior guidance, and the actual experience in immigration court since May 2025 make clear) and thereby undermine this central purpose is thus ‘an important aspect of the problem’ that ICE was required, but failed, to consider,” Pitts wrote.

A district judge in Manhattan ruled the opposite way on a similar case this fall, setting up a possible circuit split and even a Supreme Court challenge to courthouse arrests in 2026.

For now, the Christmas Eve decision only applies to ICE’s San Francisco Area of Responsibility, a region encompassing all of Northern and Central California, as far south as Bakersfield.

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The geographic limit comes in response to the Supreme Court’s emergency decision earlier this year stripping district judges of the power to block federal policies outside narrowly-tailored circumstances.

The administration told the court it intends to appeal to the 9th Circuit, where Trump-appointed judges have swung the bench far to the right of its longtime liberal reputation.

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Trump lists accomplishments, says ‘Radical Left Scum’ are ‘failing badly’ in Christmas message

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Trump lists accomplishments, says ‘Radical Left Scum’ are ‘failing badly’ in Christmas message

NEWYou can now listen to Fox News articles!

President Donald Trump used his Christmas Eve Truth Social post to tout his administration’s accomplishments and to bash those on the left whom he accused of trying to “destroy” the U.S.

“Merry Christmas to all, including the radical left scum that is doing everything possible to destroy our country, but are failing badly,” Trump wrote on Truth Social. “We no longer have open borders, men in women’s sports, transgender for everyone, or weak law enforcement. What we do have is a record stock market and 401K’s, lowest crime numbers in decades, no inflation, and yesterday, a 4.3 GDP, two points better than expected.”

“Tariffs have given us trillions of dollars in growth and prosperity, and the strongest national security we have ever had. We are respected again, perhaps like never before. God Bless America!!!,” the president added.

In the first year of Trump’s second term, the administration launched a sweeping crackdown on illegal immigration, introduced controversial tariffs, worked to cut DEI from government programs and took steps toward fulfilling other campaign promises.

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TRUMP TAKES NORAD SANTA CALLS WITH CHILDREN, PRAISES ‘CLEAN, BEAUTIFUL COAL’ AND ‘HIGH IQ’ PERSON

President Donald Trump calls children as he participates in tracking Santa Claus’ movements with the North American Aerospace Defense Command (NORAD) Santa Tracker on Christmas Eve at the Mar-a-Lago resort on Dec. 24, 2025, in Palm Beach, Florida. This is the 70th year that NORAD has publicly tracked Santa’s sleigh on its global rounds. (Tasos Katopodis/Getty Images)

The Department of Homeland Security announced Wednesday that it had arrested 17,500 criminal illegal immigrants since Trump signed the Laken Riley Act in January 2025. In a separate DHS announcement, the department unveiled the “2025 Worst of the Worst Criminal Illegal Aliens,” saying that 70% of all ICE arrests are of illegal immigrants “convicted or charged with a crime in the U.S.”

DHS Secretary Kristi Noem said in a statement on the results of the Laken Riley Act that “President Trump has empowered us to arrest and remove the millions of violent criminal illegal aliens unleashed on the United States by the previous administration. Now, these criminals will face justice and be removed from our country.”

Trump’s Christmas Truth Social post on his administration’s accomplishments was also backed up by recent economic data. On Tuesday, the Bureau of Economic Analysis released its initial estimate of the third-quarter GDP, which showed the economy grew at an annualized rate of 4.3% in the three-month period including July, August and September.

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President Donald Trump pumps his fist at Christmas Eve dinner at his Mar-a-Lago club, Wednesday, Dec. 24, 2025, in Palm Beach, Fla.  (Alex Brandon/AP Photo)

OPINION: MELANIA TRUMP’S WHITE HOUSE CHRISTMAS IS A SHINING BEACON OF AMERICA

“Compared to the second quarter, the acceleration in real GDP in the third quarter reflected a smaller decrease in investment, an acceleration in consumer spending, and upturns in exports and government spending. Imports decreased less in the third quarter,” the BEA said.

While the president issued a cutting Christmas Eve statement on Truth Social, his official Christmas Day message was softer and more focused on the meaning of the holiday and the season.

In the statement, which was released by the White House on Thursday, Trump and first lady Melania Trump relayed their warm wishes to Americans while emphasizing the religious significance of Christmas.

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The Trump administration launched a new website celebrating Christmas and the federal government’s contributions to the U.S. stretching back decades.  (Alex Wong/Getty Images)

MELANIA TRUMP GIVES UPLIFTING MESSAGE ABOUT SANTA TO YOUNG KIDS AT HOSPITAL

“The First Lady and I send our warmest wishes to all Americans as we share in the joy of Christmas Day and celebrate the birth of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ,” the message reads.

Trump went on to recount the biblical story of Jesus’ birth in Bethlehem, calling it “the perfect expression of God’s boundless love and His desire to be close to His people.” The president then tied the story to the founding principles of the U.S.

“For nearly 250 years, the principles of faith, family, and freedom have remained at the center of our way of life. As President, I will never waver in defending the fundamental values that make America the greatest country in the history of the world—and we will always remain one Nation under God.”

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President Donald Trump and first lady Melania Trump participate in calls to U.S. service members, on Christmas Eve, from the Mar-a-Lago club in Palm Beach, Florida, Dec. 24, 2025. (Andrew Caballero-Reynolds/AFP via Getty Images)

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The president also paid homage to U.S. servicemembers who are overseas and are unable to be with their families for the holiday. Trump thanked them for their service and sacrifice and their dedication to protecting Americans.

“We are grateful for their devotion, and we keep them and their loved ones close in our hearts.”

Trump ended his official message with a prayer for peace in the U.S. and across the globe, extending Christmas wishes to Americans and the world.

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“During the Christmas season, we pray for an outpouring of God’s abiding love, divine mercy, and everlasting peace upon our country and the entire world,” he said.. “To every American, and to those celebrating around the globe, we wish you a very Merry Christmas!”

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The battle for control of Warner Bros.: A timeline of key developments

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The battle for control of Warner Bros.: A timeline of key developments

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Netflix and Paramount are locked in an epic tug-of-war for HBO and Warner Bros. — the historic film factory behind Batman, Harry Potter, Scooby-Doo, “Casablanca” and “The Matrix.”

Warner Bros. Discovery awarded the prize to Netflix, prompting Paramount to mount a hostile takeover bid valued at $108 billion for all of the Warner assets, which also include CNN, TBS, HGTV and TLC. The Larry Ellison-backed media company, run by his son David Ellison, has asked Warner shareholders to sell their shares to Paramount.

Warner Bros.’ sale has become the industry’s game of thrones.

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The streaming king, Netflix, hopes to buy a chunk of the company — HBO, HBO Max, Warner Bros. film and TV studios and the 110-acre lot in Burbank — through its $82.7-billion deal. Not included are Warner’s basic cable channels, which are set to be spun off into a separate, publicly-traded company called Discovery Global.

Both deals would fundamentally reorder Hollywood and raise antitrust concerns. Netflix would boast more than 400 million subscribers worldwide, furthering its market dominance. And Paramount’s takeover would combine two major film studios and two leading news organizations, CNN and CBS News, under Ellison family control.

Here’s a look at how we got here:

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