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Perspective | Carolyn Hax: Daughter limits contact after mom criticizes her appearance

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Perspective | Carolyn Hax: Daughter limits contact after mom criticizes her appearance


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Pricey Carolyn: I’m the mother of an grownup daughter who has two elementary-age youngsters. For a couple of years, it appeared like my daughter was “letting herself go.” She gained about 40 kilos and now not took a lot care along with her clothes. She “retired” from her job that had been very high-paying but in addition very demanding, to remain house along with her youngsters.

I made the error of creating some feedback about her look. Since then, she’s going to now not seem on display screen once I Zoom with my grandkids — she’s going to solely communicate off-screen — and she or he solely visits about yearly. What can I do at this level? Did I actually screw up that dangerous?

Nameless: Apparently so, proper? There’s no goal commonplace right here. Your daughter parcels out her consideration primarily based on what she thinks, not what you or I or anybody else thinks.

There’s additionally the issue of what you mentioned to her, which was, in my objectively nonobjective opinion, terrible. The modifications you describe in your daughter add as much as the nonverbal announcement, “Mother, I’m struggling right here.” And your response was?

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“I will say. You seem like [crap].”

At what is usually a time of peak feminine self-image fragility.

Given the absence, once more, of an goal commonplace, your daughter may have responded in a variety of how — something from “Ya proper thanks Mommy!” to estrangement. Although she nonetheless appears to belief you with the youngsters, her remaining to date out of your attain is close to the acute finish of that vary, suggesting this wasn’t the primary time you so judgmentally misspoke.

So step one in making amends together with your daughter is a reckoning with your self. Have you ever completed this earlier than — have you ever missed her interior struggles since you could not get previous the floor? Have you ever harm her when she wanted assist? Have you ever completed it loads, a bit, simply this as soon as?

If it’s the previous, then claiming you merely misspoke this one itty-bitty time is just too little, which she may also acknowledge as years too late. It’d even make issues worse.

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Apologizing to your daughter continues to be the second step, regardless — however since its high quality will straight mirror the standard of your introspection, reserve it for if you’re able to assume the total scope of the accountability for no matter you probably did unsuitable. Accomplish that even in the event you consider she has overreacted, as a result of it isn’t either-or; your mistake generally is a 90 and she will mistakenly react as if it was 100, and you continue to have to apologize for the total 90. Possibly even 100 as a hedge in opposition to undercounting. As a result of your job proper now is not to be correct, it is to be self-aware, humble, and sorry for actual.

So, if you’re prepared to carry your self to account:

“I miss you. And I notice that is my fault. I made essential feedback when what you wanted was my assist. I’m so sorry I did that to you.”

One of many more practical components of a honest apology is an absence — of no matter’s in it for you. You need to see extra of your daughter, sure, and also you need her to forgive you — however asking for this stuff says, in so many phrases, “Right here — this is your darn apology, is that ok? Can I get what I need now?” So depart your needs out.

She might not come round irrespective of how totally you personal your mistake(s) — all collectively now, no goal requirements — however you enhance your possibilities by getting it proper. And by rethinking your values on seems to be. And by assuming the work and expense of these visits; yearly with two younger youngsters could be all she will face.

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Hello Carolyn: My buddy “Sal” is all about making the world a greater place, however responds to social media posts with teachy and preachy feedback. One buddy posted trip photographs, and Sal commented, “I hope that porpoise just isn’t in captivity.” One other buddy posted photographs of her yard chickens and Sal commented that laying hens are bred in a manner that makes them endure. One previous buddy blocked her and Sal is shocked and harm. She seeks commiseration however doesn’t notice how off-putting her feedback will be. Is there something I may inform her to make her conscious of how she comes throughout, however gently?

Sal’s buddy: Simply inform her the reality — the best way you want she would: with some tact and socio-spatial consciousness. “I believe everybody understands you imply properly and are captivated with doing the correct factor. However individuals additionally get uninterested in being corrected, and generally simply need to speak about their pet chickens with out getting known as out for hen abuse.”

Reminder, Sal might not share your definition of “gently.” She controls what she finds offensive. Plus, you may have ample proof her room-reading sensors aren’t nice.

Nonetheless, your friendship plus her confiding/commiseration-seeking represent a legitimate invitation to inform her what you assume. I hope she’s as receptive to your constructive criticism as she assumes everyone seems to be to hers.

We’re making it simpler for you by no means to overlook one among Carolyn’s chats. Enroll right here to obtain an electronic mail proper because the chat is about to start out.

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Confirmed: Cardinal McElroy to be appointed Washington archbishop

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Confirmed: Cardinal McElroy to be appointed Washington archbishop


Cardinal Robert McElroy of San Diego will be announced as the new archbishop of Washington, D.C., The Pillar has confirmed.

Cardinal Robert Walter McElroy

After reporting January 4 that multiple U.S. bishops had said that the appointment was imminent, The Pillar has separately confirmed that Pope Francis has selected McElroy to succeed Cardinal Wilton Gregory in the capital see.

The announcement is expected Monday, according to sources close to the process.

McElroy’s appointment follows a lengthy and contentious process to find a successor for the Washington archdiocese, which involved a protracted standoff between some American cardinals and the apostolic nunciature.

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The Pillar has previously reported that following a meeting in October in which McElroy joined Cardinals Blase Cupich of Chicago and Joseph Tobin of Newark to meet with Pope Francis during the synod on synodality in October, Francis was said to have decided against appointing McElroy.

Instead, Francis tasked former Washington archbishop Cardinal Donald Wuerl to identify a suitable candidate.

Wuerl, sources close to the process have confirmed to The Pillar, suggested Bishop Sean McKnight of Jefferson City, with Cardinal Gregory also signing off on the recommendation. However, in the weeks following the presidential election result, which saw Donald Trump reelected to the White House, Francis agreed to revisit McElroy’s candidacy.

As Bishop of San Diego and as a cardinal, McElroy has been outspoken on various subjects touching the political area, most especially immigration.

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In addition to the political sensitivities of the role, McElroy will also assume leadership of more than half a million Catholics in the DC area and southern Maryland, becoming their third archbishop since 2018.

McElroy turns 71 in February and succeeds Cardinal Gregory, 77, who was appointed to succeed Cardinal Donald Wuerl in 2019, whose resignation was accepted by Pope Francis following the scandal surrounding Wuerl’s own predecessor, Theodore McCarrick, the previous year.

Despite promises of transparency by Gregory at the time of his appointment, the archdiocese has so far declined to answer repeated questions about McCarrick’s tenure, especially money raised and spent via his personal “archbishop’s fund” during his time in Washington.

McElroy has himself faced questions about McCarrick in the past, with some expressing concerns about how he responded to a 2016 warning about the now-laicized former cardinal.

In addition to lingering questions about McCarrick, McElroy will also have to reckon with a process of financial restructuring in the Washington archdiocese.

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In December last year, several local priests told The Pillar that chancery officials had painted a bleak picture of archdiocesan finances, announcing sweeping reforms of its parish assessment system to bridge a multi-million dollar deficit.

As Bishop of San Diego, McElroy has at times raised eyebrows on the national stage, calling for the synod on synodality to debate issues like the sacramental ordination of women, despite Pope Francis repeatedly saying such issues were not up for discussion.

The cardinal has previously made calls for “comprehensive inclusion” in Eucharistic reception.

Following the Dicastery for the Doctrine of the Faith’s 2023 instruction Fiducia supplicans on the blessing of persons on same-sex relationships, which Rome agreed to allow the bishops of Africa to not implement in their own dioceses, McElroy hailed the “diverging pastoral paths” taken by the Church in different countries as a model of healthy decentralization, rather than a sign of contradiction within the Church.

Last year, McElroy issued a controversial homeschooling policy in the San Diego diocese, barring local Catholic home schooling groups from using parish facilities.

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Cardinal Robert McElroy presides at a liturgy during the Los Angeles Religious Education Congress. Credit: RECongress/YouTube.

Cardinal McElroy was ordained a priest for the Archdiocese of San Francisco in 1980, serving as secretary to Archbishop John Quinn. After several years in parish ministry, Quinn named him vicar general of the archdiocese in 1995.

McElroy was named auxiliary bishop of the Archdiocese of San Francisco in 2010, and made Bishop of San Diego in 2015. Pope Francis created him a cardinal in 2022.

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Buccaneers Claim 3 Seed in NFC Playoff Field, Face Commanders in Wild Card Round

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Buccaneers Claim 3 Seed in NFC Playoff Field, Face Commanders in Wild Card Round


The Tampa Bay Buccaneers not only captured a fourth straight NFC South title on Sunday, but they also improved their overall position in the playoff standings and kept alive the possibility of two home games in the postseason.

While the Buccaneers secured their own playoff spot with a Week 18 win over the New Orleans Saints, the Los Angeles Rams had already clinched the NFC West title the Week before. That put the Rams into the third overall seed in the NFC playoff field coming into the final weekend, but a loss to the Seattle Seahawks on Sunday allowed Tampa Bay to leap them for that spot. Both the Buccaneers and Rams finished with 10-7 records but Tampa Bay won the tiebreaker for positioning based on a better record against conference opponents (8-4 to 6-6).

As the #3 seed, the Buccaneers will host a playoff game in the Wild Card round against the team that claimed the #6 seed. That proved to be Washington after the Commanders beat the Cowboys on Sunday to improve to 11-6. The NFL will announce the date and time of the game later on Sunday evening.

The Buccaneers will be taking part in the playoffs for a fifth straight season, the longest such run in franchise history, but this is the first time in that span that they will start out as the #3 seed. They earned the top Wild Card spot in 2020 and, coincidentally, started their playoffs at Washington after the Commanders won the NFC East with a 7-9 record. The Bucs won the NFC South each year from 2021 to 2023 and in those seasons was seeded second, fourth and fourth.

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Tampa Bay could still be at home for two playoff games. If they win next weekend and the second-seeded Philadelphia Eagles lose to Green Bay, the Buccaneers would go into the Divisional Round as the second-highest remaining seed behind the winner of the Detroit-Minnesota game on Sunday night. That team would enjoy a bye in the first round and then play at home against the lowest of the remaining seeds. The Buccaneers would get the next seeded team up from the bottom, which would be either Minnesota/Detroit or Los Angeles.



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Washington Post cartoonist quits over rejected Trump sketch

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Washington Post cartoonist quits over rejected Trump sketch


What’s New

Pulitzer Prize-winning cartoonist Ann Telnaes resigned from The Washington Post after the editorial team rejected one of her cartoons criticizing The Post‘s billionaire owner Jeff Bezos.

Writing on her Substack blog on Friday, Telnaes said it was the first time her work was censored due to its point of view, prompting her decision to leave

Newsweek has contacted The Washington Post via email for comment.

The Washington Post building in Washington D.C., February 21, 2019. Pulitzer Prize-winning cartoonist Ann Telnaes resigned from The Post after the editorial team rejected one of her cartoons criticizing The Post’s billionaire owner Jeff Bezos.

Pablo Martinez Monsivais/ASSOCIATED PRESS

Why It Matters

Telnaes’ resignation highlights concerns over press freedom and the influence of billionaire owners on editorial decisions in major news outlets, including at the LA Times and The Washington Post.

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Critics argue that billionaire owners could censor critical commentary, undermining journalism’s role in holding power accountable.

What To Know

The cartoon in question depicted Meta CEO Mark Zuckerberg, OpenAI CEO Sam Altman, LA Times owner Patrick Soon-Shiong, and The Washington Post owner Jeff Bezos, all billionaires, and Micky Mouse, representing Disney, kneeling before a statue of Donald Trump, offering sacks of cash.

Telnaes posted a rough of the cartoon in the blog post:

Why I'm Quitting the Washington Post - Cartoon Illustration by Ann Telnaes

Telnaes described the decision to reject the cartoon as a “game changer” for her relationship with the paper.

But Post Opinions editor David Shipley, in a statement to Politico, said the cartoon was rejected to avoid repetition, because a column and a satirical piece on the same subject had already been published.

In her blog post, Telnaes outlined her career as an advocate for press freedom in various roles, having served on advisory boards for organizations supporting editorial cartoonists.

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She emphasized the importance of holding power accountable and warned against efforts to “curry favor with an autocrat-in-waiting.”

What People Are Saying

Elizabeth Warren, Senator, on X: “@AnnTelnaes resigned after The Washington Post editorial page killed her cartoon. It’s worth a share. Big Tech executives are bending the knee to Donald Trump and it’s no surprise why: Billionaires like Jeff Bezos like paying a lower tax rate than a public school teacher.”

David Shipley, Washington Post Opinions Editor, in a statement to Politico: “My decision was guided by the fact that we had just published a column on the same topic as the cartoon and had already scheduled another column — this one a satire — for publication. The only bias was against repetition.”

Ann Telnaes, Cartoonist, on Substack: “For the first time, my editor prevented me from doing that critical job. So I have decided to leave the Post.”

What Happens Next

With Donald Trump set to assume the presidency, The Post faces increased scrutiny over its ability to maintain editorial independence under Bezos’s ownership. Telnaes’ departure raises questions about how the paper will approach coverage of Trump’s administration, particularly regarding its willingness to challenge powerful figures.

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