Q: My eldest daughter is 6, strong-willed, explosive and defiant. When she doesn’t get her way (we say no or there’s a natural consequence) she gets violent or destructive. We try a lot of approaches and she is seeing a psychologist.
Washington
Advice | I keep spanking my defiant 6-year-old. I’m scared of myself.
A: It’s clear you have tremendous guilt; you know that spanking not only doesn’t teach a child anything, but it also makes most behaviors worse. (For anyone who isn’t sure about this, the data is out there and clear.)
You wrote, “I am scared of myself because it seemed like an autonomous reaction and out of my control.” This is worth digging into. Are you dissociating? Do you feel like you are watching yourself rather than feeling like you’re in your body? You could be having a trauma response to your child’s explosion. This is not uncommon; We have conscious and unconscious memories and, without realizing it, our bodies can feel unsafe and cope in automatic or instinctive ways, like attacking or checking out. I strongly recommend talking to your doctor about your symptoms and seeking professional help from someone who specializes in post-traumatic stress disorder and/or complex post-traumatic stress disorder.
As you work on getting help, we need to help your brain-body connection. Parent coach and trauma specialist Sandi Lerman coined the term LIFT to help caregivers clarify issues in front of them. I find it is helpful in almost every challenging situation. L stands for the length of time that a struggle or, in your case, the feeling of being out of control lasts. When you spank your daughter, how do you feel for the rest of the day? Checked out? Wracked with guilt?
I stands for intensity. On the days you snapped, what was the intensity of your emotions even before your daughter’s explosion? If you zoom out, were you already feeling upset or stressed? For instance, I received some bad news this week and was very upset. One of my children had a big reaction to a mistake I made and, in turn, I had an even bigger reaction. Yes, she had an explosion, but the intensity of my feelings leading up to it definitely fed the situation.
F stands for frequency, which means how often you “check out” and spank your daughter, or even how often you feel dissociated. This kind of data is incredibly helpful for your doctors, and it also helps to gauge your growth as you begin to address this coping mechanism.
Finally, T is for triggers, one of the most important steps in understanding what is happening when you lose control. The best way to look at triggers is to write down what you remember. For example, “It was a Saturday morning, and I hadn’t slept well. Andrea woke up angry and was demanding a breakfast we didn’t have time to make. I was trying to reason with her, and she kept screaming in my face. She pushed me hard, and I almost stepped on the cat. From there, I don’t remember what happened …” Pay close attention to your breathing and your muscles as you write. Are you holding your breath or tense? Are you sweating? Are you beginning to check out? If at any point you begin to panic, stop, keep your eyes open, and do the 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 grounding technique, which involves identifying 5 things you can see, 4 things you can touch, 3 things you can hear, 2 things you can smell and 1 thing you can taste.
Writing out your “LIFT” list serves two purposes: It gives you data for a specialist, and helps you see the patterns of when you lose control. You may realize that you were exhausted, angry, upset, but that being pushed was the trigger that led you to feel out of body. If the list shows you that you spank after your daughter hits, you can make a plan to exit the room when your daughter begins to become explosive. I don’t frequently recommend that parents leave their children, but in the case of violence, you do what you must. To smooth this process, tell the family, “When I feel angry at level 10, I will be walking outside to keep everyone safe. I love you all, and I will return after I breathe and feel calmer.” If you have a partner, make this plan a priority between the two of you.
Above all, please know that your body is in a panicked state when you lose control with your daughter and spank. You are not a “bad parent,” you need support and compassion. Please do not wait to get help, and good luck.
Washington
Dynamite, Floods and Feuds: Washington’s forgotten river wars
A look back at Washington’s historic flooding
It’s been a few weeks since the historic flooding hit the streets of western Washington, and if you scroll through social media, the shock still seems fresh. While some insist it was a once-in-a-generation disaster, state history tells a different story.
TUKWILA, Wash. – After floodwaters inundated western Washington in December, social media is still filled with disbelief, with many people saying they had never seen flooding like it before.
But local history shows the region has experienced catastrophic flooding, just not within most people’s lifetimes.
A valley under water
What may look like submerged farmland in Skagit or Snohomish counties is actually an aerial view of Tukwila from more than a century ago. Before Boeing, business parks and suburban development, the Kent Valley was a wide floodplain.
In November 1906, much of the valley was underwater, according to city records. In some places, floodwaters reached up to 10 feet, inundating homesteads and entire communities.
“Roads were destroyed, river paths were readjusted,” said Chris Staudinger of Pretty Gritty Tours. “So much of what had been built in these areas got washed away.”
Staudinger has been sharing historical images and records online, drawing comparisons between the December flooding and events from the late 1800s and early 1900s.
“It reminded me so much of what’s happening right now,” he said, adding that the loss then, as now, was largely a loss of property and control rather than life.
When farmers used dynamite
Records show flooding was not the only force reshaping the region’s rivers. In the late 1800s, farmers repeatedly used dynamite in attempts to redirect waterways.
“The White River in particular has always been contentious,” explained Staudinger. “For farmers in that area, multiple different times starting in the 1890s, groups of farmers would get together and blow-up parts of the river to divert its course either up to King County or down to Pierce County.”
Staudinger says at times they used too much dynamite and accidentally sent logs lobbing through the air like missiles.
In one instance, King County farmers destroyed a bluff, permanently diverting the White River into Pierce County. The river no longer flowed toward Elliott Bay, instead emptying into Commencement Bay.
Outraged by this, Pierce County farmers took their grievances to the Washington State Supreme Court. The court ruled the change could not be undone.
When flooding returned, state officials intervened to stop further explosions.
“To prevent anyone from going out and blowing up the naturally occurred log jam, the armed guards were dispatched by the state guard,” said Staudinger. “Everything was already underwater.”
Rivers reengineered — and erased
Over the next century, rivers across the region were dredged, dammed and diverted. Entire waterways changed or disappeared.
“So right where the Renton Airport is now used to be this raging waterway called the Black River,” explained Staudinger. “Connected into the Duwamish. It was a major salmon run. It was a navigable waterway.”
Today, that river has been reduced to what Staudinger described as “the little dry trickle.”
Between 1906 and 1916, the most dramatic changes occurred that played a role in its shrinking. When the Ballard Locks were completed, Lake Washington dropped by nine feet, permanently cutting off its southern flow.
A lesson from December
Despite modern levees and flood-control engineering, December’s storms showed how vulnerable the region remains.
“For me, that’s the takeaway,” remarked Staudinger. “You could do all of this to try and remain in control, but the river’s going to do whatever it wants.”
He warned that history suggests the risk is ongoing.
“You’re always one big storm from it rediscovering its old path,” said Staudinger.
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The Source: Information in this story came from the Tukwila Historical Society, MOHAI, Pretty Gritty Tours, and FOX 13 Seattle reporting and interviews.
Washington
Deputies shoot armed suspect in Leesburg Walmart parking lot
Deputies shot an armed suspect in the parking lot of a Walmart store in Leesburg, Virginia, late Tuesday morning, authorities say.
Detectives, deputies and special agents from the FBI had tracked the suspect down after he tried to rob the Bank of America at Dulles Crossing on Monday, the Loudoun County Sheriff’s Office said. The suspect, who still hasn’t been named, didn’t get any money before taking off from the bank.
Authorities found the suspect was parked at the back of the Walmart parking lot just before noon Tuesday.
Deputies pulled up behind the suspect’s blue sedan at the back of the Walmart parking lot about 11:40 a.m. Tuesday. As they approached, the suspect got out with a gun, Sheriff Mike Chapman said.
Deputies then fired their guns at the suspect, hitting him. Chapman did not say how many times the suspect was shot or give specific information about his injuries.
Medics took the suspect to a hospital.
No deputies were injured, the sheriff’s office said.
Chapman said it was too early in the investigation to say if the suspect fired his gun or how many officers were involved in the shooting.
Stay with News4 for updates to this developing story.
Washington
The American story projected on the Washington Monument came from North Texas
Steve Deitz walks with the energy of a coach; however, he does not hide that he and his team are digital nerds and storytellers who specialize in large-scale visual content and software development. More specifically, the 48-year-old makes a living creating the wow factor at his agency, “900lbs.”
“We started the company working for the Dallas Mavericks, telling large-scale visual content on the Jumbotron, and next thing you know, Activision, Blizzard calls,” he said. “We get to work in the Perot Museum on the biggest exhibit in the museum, and then fast-forward another 12 years, and here we are now.”
His current project is wrapping up in the nation’s capital — sorta. Since Dec.31, projections of America’s story have been given to his agency.
“We’re telling the story of the 250-year birthday of America in the biggest way possible on the facade of the Washington Monument on all four sides,” Deitz said.
He said they started testing out the results a couple of nights before New Year’s Eve. Scenes from Thomas Edison’s light bulb, the Empire State Building, the Model T Ford, and the Industrial Revolution, to name a few, are projected onto the Washington Monument.
Deitz gives his team a ton of credit from the moment he received the call about the project. He also thinks back to the times when he was an athlete who loved to draw in Merkel, Texas. The kid who dared to dream beyond the city limits and outside of the box. The CEO is giving advice to that child who may need a little inspiration.
“Hard work, perseverance, dedication, surround yourself with a team of brilliant people that are way smarter than you, and do the best you possibly can,” he said.
Deitz said there is a likelihood his team’s creations will return to the nation’s capital this year.
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