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Advice | Carolyn Hax: Stepmom wants ‘normal’ Italy retreat vs. always deferring to kid

Published

2 years ago

July 7, 2024

Advice | Carolyn Hax: Stepmom wants ‘normal’ Italy retreat vs. always deferring to kid

Dear Carolyn: My husband has custody of his 8-year-old daughter every other weekend. In our five years together, I have been utterly respectful of his duties as a father and his kid’s well-being.

But I have been invited to do a seven-week fellowship and retreat in Italy, and I would love to bring my husband. We have NEVER taken a nice trip together. We didn’t even really do a honeymoon because of work and his kid.

He said no to Italy because it would mean missing three or four visits from his daughter. For the first time, I felt mad and deprived. The other participants will have their partners there, exploring the city while we work. I want us to do this one normal thing.

It is not possible to bring the kid with us. If my husband came with me for a little while, then he couldn’t stay for longer than about 10 days minus travel time, so that’s not worth it either.

Am I being totally selfish to want this? I feel that way, but I also feel entitled to want this normal thing. My one confidante about this, my mom, says it’s what I signed on for when I chose a man with a child.

Selfish?: Your mom’s right; this is exactly what you agreed to, eyes open.

But that doesn’t mean you always have to like it, must always exude daisies and sunbeams, and can’t ever feel “mad and deprived.”

Just go feel mad and deprived somewhere outside the range of your stepdaughter so you can let it dissipate naturally. If you plan to keep confiding in Mom, then tell her you know it’s what you “signed on for,” but you have unresolved feelings you’d like to talk through so they don’t keep gnawing at you.

If Mom can’t be that person for you, then choose someone who is able to agree with you that weeks overseas retreating together is “normal,” because, well. Let’s just say I’m amusing myself with the mental image of the reception you’ll get if you choose wrong.

I kid, but a therapist is a good option here if feasible. Family blending is hard.

Which brings me to my second point. Having your moment to feel bad about missing out on something you want is more than mere self-indulgence. It’s about healthy emotional management.

If your response to your husband’s no-go on Italy were, “It’s A-okay, honey, because I’m so! lucky! to be your spouse! and a stepparent!!” then that would be forced and weird and, with repetition, distorting. Others wouldn’t know how you really felt, and eventually you might not, either.

So it’s important to trust that you can be 100 percent confident in your marriage and 100 percent pro-healthy-stepchild and still be bummed sometimes, out loud, about the restrictions on your husband’s time without feeling guilty about it.

So do that. Not harping, or dwelling, or undermining, of course; so-called venting (complaining with no productive purpose) only hands over more of your life to your problem and to others suffering in earshot. I’m saying only that you allow yourself to be honest about how you feel, and tell your husband that you understand (yes?) but are also really disappointed.

And: If you’re not okay with “no” to everything as a never-yielding fact of your lives, then say that, too; you understand seven weeks overseas is excessive, but what about one or two somewhere, someday soon?

And: If you made your agreements with him in good faith, and if you’ve learned some new things about yourself since, then it’s better to be transparent with him about your evolution than to just muscle through any dissonance till you crack.

I’m adding these two discussion extenders because I see signs of distortion already in your letter. Have another look. “I have been utterly respectful of his duties as a father and his kid’s well-being.” “We have NEVER taken a nice trip together.” “We didn’t even really do a honeymoon.” “For the first time I felt mad and deprived.” [My emphasis.] And, “he couldn’t stay for longer than about 10 days minus travel time, so that’s not worth it either.”

Fine-fine-fine-fine-no-really-it’s-fiiiine-no-really-fine!-BOOM.

Doesn’t it to you, now, too?

And the BOOM hits twice: The “normal” thing that deprivation has pushed you to want so badly seems like a way bigger ask than a “nice trip” or a honeymoon would ever have been — plus it has you completely dismissing as inadequate a perfectly lovely 10-days-minus-travel with your husband in Italy this summer. Is it truly “not worth it” because it’s a week and not seven?

So here’s what I’m thinking. Maybe you’re overdue just to be you. Where you recognize you aren’t a saint and can’t always smile off the cost of your choices — even as you know you made them willingly and would (presumably) make them again because he passes every character test. And where you ask your husband to bear with you as you freely, lovingly meet others’ needs while also learning to understand and make room for your own.

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Washington

Iran warns Washington it will retaliate against any attack

Published

5 hours ago

January 11, 2026

Press Room

Iran warns Washington it will retaliate against any attack

DUBAI, Jan 11 (Reuters) – Iran warned President Donald Trump on Sunday that any U.S. attack would lead to Tehran striking back against Israel and regional U.S. military bases as “legitimate targets”, Parliament Speaker Mohammad Baqer Qalibaf told parliament.

Israel is on high alert for the possibility of a U.S. intervention to support a nationwide protest movement in Iran, sources said.

Reporting by Dubai Newsroom; Editing by William Mallard

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Washington National Opera cuts ties with the Kennedy Center after longstanding partnership | CNN Politics

Published

1 day ago

January 10, 2026

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Washington National Opera cuts ties with the Kennedy Center after longstanding partnership | CNN Politics

The Washington National Opera on Friday announced it is parting ways with the Kennedy Center after more than a decade with the arts institution.

“Today, the Washington National Opera announced its decision to seek an amicable early termination of its affiliation agreement with the Kennedy Center and resume operations as a fully independent nonprofit entity,” the opera said in a statement.

The decoupling marks another high-profile withdrawal since President Donald Trump and his newly installed board of trustees instituted broad thematic and cosmetic changes to the building, including renaming the facility “The Donald J. Trump and The John F. Kennedy Memorial Center for the Performing Arts.”

The opera said it plans to “reduce its spring season and relocate performances to new venues.”

A source familiar with the dynamic told CNN the decision to part ways was made by the opera’s board and its leadership, and that the decision was not mutual.

A spokesperson for the Kennedy Center said in a statement, “After careful consideration, we have made the difficult decision to part ways with the WNO due to a financially challenging relationship. We believe this represents the best path forward for both organizations and enables us to make responsible choices that support the financial stability and long-term future of the Trump Kennedy Center.”

Kennedy Center president Richard Grenell, who was appointed by Trump’s hand-picked board, said on X, “Having an exclusive relationship has been extremely expensive and limiting in choice and variety.”

Grenell added, “Having an exclusive Opera was just not financially smart. And our patrons clearly wanted a refresh.”

Since taking the reins at the center, Grenell has cut existing staff, hired political allies and mandated a “break-even policy” for every performance.

The opera said the new policy was a factor in its decision to leave the center.

“The Center’s new business model requires productions to be fully funded in advance—a requirement incompatible with opera operations,” the opera said.

Francesca Zambello, the opera’s artistic director, said she is “deeply saddened to leave The Kennedy Center.”

“In the coming years, as we explore new venues and new ways of performing, WNO remains committed to its mission and artistic vision,” she said.

The New York Times first reported the opera’s departure.

Founded in 1956 as the “Opera Society of Washington,” the group has performed across the district, taking permanent residency in the Kennedy Center in 2011.

The performing arts center has been hit with a string of abrupt cancellations from artists in recent weeks including the jazz group The Cookers and New York City-based dance company Doug Varone and Dancers who canceled their performances after Trump’s name was added to the center – a living memorial for assassinated President John F. Kennedy.

The American College Theater Festival voted to suspend its relationship with the Kennedy Center, calling the affiliation “no longer viable” and citing concerns over a misalignment of the group’s values.

American banjo player Béla Fleck withdrew his upcoming performance with the National Symphony Orchestra, saying that performing at the center has become “charged and political.”

The Brentano String Quartet, who canceled their February 1 performance at the Kennedy Center, said they will “regretfully forego performing there.”

CNN has reached out to the Kennedy Center on the additional cancellations.

The opera said, “The Board and management of the company wish the Center well in its own future endeavors.”

CNN’s Betsy Klein and Nicky Robertson contributed to this report.

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Washington

Andre Washington’s 20 points help Eastern Illinois take down Tennessee Tech 71-61

Published

2 days ago

January 9, 2026

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Andre Washington’s 20 points help Eastern Illinois take down Tennessee Tech 71-61

CHARLESTON, Ill. (AP) — Andre Washington had 20 points in Eastern Illinois’ 71-61 victory over Tennessee Tech on Thursday.

Washington shot 8 for 13, including 4 for 6 from beyond the arc for the Panthers (5-10, 2-3 Ohio Valley Conference). Meechie White added 13 points and four steals. Kooper Jacobi finished with 11 points and added seven rebounds.

The Golden Eagles (6-10, 1-4) were led in scoring by Jah’Kim Payne, who finished with 11 points. Tennessee Tech also got 10 points from Mekhi Turner.

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The Associated Press created this story using technology provided by Data Skrive and data from Sportradar.

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