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My Son Wants to Pay for His Sister to Freeze Her Eggs. Too Weird?

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My Son Wants to Pay for His Sister to Freeze Her Eggs. Too Weird?

We have two grown children: a son, 39, and a daughter, 36. They are both doing well, but our son has a great deal more money than our daughter. He recently married and has a baby on the way — thanks, in part, to his wife’s having frozen some of her eggs when she was younger. (Our daughter is currently single.) Our son would like to offer the gift of egg freezing to his sister, which is expensive. The issues: Is this gift too weird for a brother to give his sister? If not, who should make the offer: our son — who is not super close to his sister, who can be prickly — or me? Finally, is there a whiff of pity in this gift?

MOM

Let me start with an important issue that has nothing to do with freezing eggs. In my family, my mother often provided shuttle diplomacy when there was an awkward issue between my brothers and me. I am sure she thought she was helping us by inserting herself in our disagreements. (I did!) But the upshot is that now, after she is gone, she has three adult sons who can barely communicate with one another. Do not do this to your children.

Your son is capable of making his kind offer to your daughter himself. It’s possible she will dismiss it out of hand. (You have not reported that she is even interested in having children. Not all women are!) But since he and his new wife are actual poster children for the benefits of egg freezing, it’s hard to see how even a prickly sibling could construe the offer as pitying. And if your daughter’s objection were to the size of the gift or to her brother’s involvement with her reproductive choices, she can refuse it — though even that takes nothing from his thoughtfulness.

Tell your son that he and his wife should make the offer to her privately, in person and soon. (A letter, for instance, without her brother’s caring voice may be misinterpreted. And the medical literature notes a drop-off in the efficacy of the procedure as women age.) As for your question about the weirdness of this gift, let me answer with the modified lyrics of an R&B classic: If a loving gesture to a sister is wrong, I don’t want to be right.

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Last year, I had a falling-out with an old friend. A mutual acquaintance, with whom I was having a conflict, pressed my friend to take sides. Despite telling me privately that he thought I was right, my friend decided to remain neutral. (He was not willing to damage his professional relationship with our acquaintance.) I found this behavior to be snakelike, and I have not spoken to him since. The rub: Before all this, I had lent my friend a library of books that I couldn’t store in my apartment with the understanding that I would take them back when I had room for them. That time has come, but I have no interest in rekindling our friendship or initiating a détente to beg for my books. What should I do?

FRIEND

I would start by examining your reaction here. It’s entirely natural to want our friends to support us. But here, there was no reason for your friend to take sides in a squabble that did not concern him. And unless there was some muddiness in your agreement with him to reclaim your books once you had room for them, collecting them does not require any “détente” if you are truly committed to this feud. Simply thank your friend for keeping your books — because, like it or not, he did you a favor — and ask him when it would be convenient for you to pick them up.

Last year, my partner’s parents bought a home four blocks from ours. They are kind people, but I’ve had to draw some boundaries: They must knock, for instance, if they drop by without telling me in advance. My partner wants to see them every day, and he expects me to want the same. I am comfortable seeing them once a week for dinner. But when I express this to my partner, he becomes upset and accuses me of rejecting his family. How do I navigate this?

PARTNER

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The central problem here seems to be with your partner, not your in-laws. His characterization of your openness to weekly visits — a perfectly reasonable concession — as a rejection of his family is unfair and overdramatic. In my experience, when partners are at very different starting points in hashing out conflicts, it may be a good time to engage a couples therapist to help guide your negotiation.

I am a freelance writer. When I tell friends what I’m working on — building my Instagram following, for instance, or applying for an artist’s residency — they ask, “Does that pay?” I find this insulting! I don’t ask about their compensation. Thoughts?

FREELANCER

I get your annoyance. But I think your friends are trying to understand your work life — not calculate your income. People with 9-to-5 jobs may not understand the importance of social media or institutional affiliations to editors. And while it is certainly not your job to explain the business model of freelancing, isn’t it nice that they’re showing an interest in your work? (If it isn’t, stop talking about it.)


For help with your awkward situation, send a question to SocialQ@nytimes.com, Philip Galanes on Facebook or @SocialQPhilip on X.

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No matter what happens at the Oscars, Delroy Lindo embraces ‘the joy of this moment’

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No matter what happens at the Oscars, Delroy Lindo embraces ‘the joy of this moment’

Delroy Lindo is nominated for an Oscar for best supporting actor for his role in Sinners.

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Rebecca Cabage/Invision/AP

Over the course of his decades-long career on stage and in Hollywood, Sinners actor Delroy Lindo has experienced firsthand what he calls the “disappointments, the vicissitudes of the industry.”

On Feb. 22, at the BAFTA awards in London, Lindo and Sinners co-star Michael B. Jordan were the first presenters of the evening when a man with Tourette syndrome shouted a racial slur.

Initially, Lindo says, he questioned if he had heard correctly. Then, he says, he adjusted his glasses and read the teleprompter: “I processed in the way that I process, in a nanosecond. Mike did similarly, and we went on and did our jobs.”

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Lindo describes the BAFTA incident as “something that started out negatively becoming a positive.” A week after the BAFTAs, he appeared with Sinners director Ryan Coogler at the NAACP awards.

“The fact that I could stand there in a room predominantly of our people …  and feel safe, feel loved, feel supported,” he says. “I just wanted to officially, formally say thank you to our people and to all of the people who have supported us as a result of that event, that incident.”

Sinners is a haunting vampire thriller about twins (both played by Jordan) who open a juke joint in 1930s Mississippi. The film has been nominated for a record 16 Academy Awards, including best actor for Jordan and best supporting actor for Lindo, who plays a blues musician named Delta Slim.

This is Lindo’s first Oscar nomination; five years ago, many felt his performance in the Spike Lee film Da 5 Bloods deserved recognition from the Academy. When that didn’t happen, Lindo admits he was disappointed, but he had no choice but to move on.

“I have never taken my marbles and gone home,” he says. “And I want to claim that I will not do that now. I will continue working.”

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Interview highlights

On his preparation to play Delta Slim

Various people have mentioned … [that] my presence reminds them of an uncle or their grandfather, somebody that they knew from their families, and that is a huge compliment, but more importantly than being a compliment, it’s an affirmation for the work. My preparation for this started with Ryan sending me two books, Blues People, by Amiri Baraka — who was [known as] LeRoi Jones when he wrote the book — and Deep Blues, by Robert Palmer.

DELROY LINDO as Delta Slim in Warner Bros. Pictures’ “SINNERS,” a Warner Bros. Pictures release. Source:

Lindo, shown above in his role as Delta Slim, says director Ryan Coogler “created a sacred space for all of us” on the Sinners set.

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In reading those books and then referencing those books, continuing to reference those throughout production, I was given an entrée into the worlds, the lifestyles of these musicians. There’s a certain kind of itinerant quality that they moved around a lot. The constant for them is their music, so that there is this deep-seated connection to the music.

On being Oscar-nominated for the first time — and thinking about other Black actors, including Halle Berry and Lou Gossett Jr., who had trouble getting work after their wins

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I will not view it as a curse, because I am claiming the victory in this process, no matter what happens. … In terms of this moment, I absolutely am claiming, as much as I can, the joy of this moment. I’m not saying I don’t have trepidation, I do. It’s the reason I was not listening to the broadcast this year when the nominations were announced. I did not want to set myself up. But I’m … attempting as much as I can to fortify myself and know in my heart that I will continue working as an actor. I absolutely will.

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On being “othered” as a child because of his race

Because my mom was studying to be a nurse they would not allow her to have an infant child with her on campus, so as a result of that, I was sent to live with a white family in a white working class area of London. … I was loved, I was cared for, but as a result of living with this family in this all-white neighborhood, I went to an all-white elementary or primary school. And I was literally the only Black child in an all-white school.

So one afternoon, after school had ended, I was playing with one of my playmates … And at a certain point in our game, a car pulls up, and this kid that I was playing with goes over to the car and has a very short conversation with whomever was in the car, which I now know was his parent, his father. He comes back and he … says, “I can’t play with you.” And that was the end of the game.

On the experience of writing his forthcoming memoir

It’s been healing, actually. I’m not denying that it has opened me up. I’ve been compelled to scrutinize myself. I’m using that word very advisedly, “scrutinized.” It’s a scrutiny, it’s an examination of oneself. But in my case, because a very, very, very significant part of what I’m writing has to do with re-examining my relationship with my mom. And so my mom is a protagonist in my memoir. I’m told by my editor and by my publisher that one of the attractions to what I’m writing is that it is not a classic “celebrity memoir.” I am examining history. I’m examining culture. I’m looking at certain passages of history through the lens of the “Windrush” experience [of Caribbean immigrants who came to the UK after World War II].

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On getting a masters degree to help him write his mother’s story

My mom deserved it. My mom is deserving. And not only is my mom deserving, by extension, all the people of the Windrush generation are deserving. Stories about Windrush are not part of the global cultural lexicon commensurate with its impact. The people of Windrush changed the definition of what it means to be British. There are all these Black and brown people, theretofore members of what used to be called the British Commonwealth. And they were invited by the British government to come to England, the United Kingdom, to help rebuild the United Kingdom in the aftermath of the destruction of World War II. My mom was part of that movement. They helped rebuild construction, construction industry, transportation industry, critically, the health industry, the NHS, the National Health Service. My mom is a nurse.

The reason that I went into NYU was because my original intention was to write a screenplay about my mom. I wanted to write a screenplay about my mom because I looked around and I thought: Where are the feature films that have as protagonist a Caribbean female, a Black female, where are they? … I wanted to address that, I wanted to correct that, what I see as being an imbalance.

Ann Marie Baldonado and Susan Nyakundi produced and edited this interview for broadcast. Bridget Bentz, Molly Seavy-Nesper and Beth Novey adapted it for the web.

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Britney Spears Open to Treatment Plan as Team Weighs Options

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Britney Spears Open to Treatment Plan as Team Weighs Options

Britney Spears
Open to Treatment Plan After DUI Arrest, Source Says

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If you loved ‘Sinners,’ here’s what to watch next

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If you loved ‘Sinners,’ here’s what to watch next

Michael B. Jordan plays twin brothers Smoke and Stack in Sinners.

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What to watch if you loved…

Ryan Coogler’s supernatural horror stars Michael B. Jordan playing twin brothers who open a 1930s juke joint in Mississippi. Opening night does not go as planned when vampires appear outside. “In a straightforward metaphor for all the ways Black culture has been co-opted by whiteness, the raucous pleasures and sonic beauty of the juke joint attract the interest of a trio of demons … they wish to literally leech off of the talents and energy of Black folks,” writes critic Aisha Harris. The film made history with a record 16 Academy Award nominations.

We asked our NPR audience: What movie would you recommend to someone who loved Sinners? Here’s what you told us:

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Near Dark (1987)
Directed by Kathryn Bigelow; starring Adrian Pasdar, Jenny Wright, Lance Henriksen
If you want another cool vampire movie with Western kind of vibes, check out Kathryn Bigelow’s Near Dark — super underseen and kind of hard to find, but really gritty and sexy and another very different take on what you might think is a genre that had been wrung dry. – Maggie Grossman, Chicago, Ill.

30 Days of Night (2007)
Directed by David Slade; starring Josh Hartnett, Melissa George, Danny Huston
It follows a group of people in a small Alaskan town as they struggle to survive an invasion of vampires who have taken advantage of the month-long absence of the sun. Both this and Sinners revolve around a vampire takeover and the people’s fight to outlast the “night.” – Nathan Strzelewicz, DeWitt, Mich.

The Wailing (2016)
Directed by Na Hong-jin; starring Kwak Do-won, Hwang Jung-min, Chun Woo-hee, Jun Kunimura
In this South Korean supernatural horror film, a mysterious illness causes people in a quiet rural village to become violent and murderous. A local police officer investigates while trying to save his daughter, who begins showing the same disturbing symptoms. The film blends folk horror, religion, and psychological dread, exploring themes of faith, evil, and moral weakness. Like Sinners, it centers on a supernatural force corrupting a close-knit community, builds slow-burning tension, and examines spiritual conflict and human frailty. – Amy Merke, Bronx, N.Y.

Fréwaka (2024)
Directed by Aislinn Clarke; starring Bríd Ní Neachtain, Clare Monnelly, Aleksandra Bystrzhitskaya
In this Irish folk horror film, a home care worker, Shoo, is assigned to stay with an elderly woman who’s convinced she’s under siege by malevolent fairies. Like Sinners, Fréwaka blends folk traditions and social commentary with horror. The social failures Shoo copes with (untreated mental health issues, religious abuse) are just as frightening as the supernatural forces. – Kerrin Smith, Baltimore, Md.

And a bonus pick from our critic:

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Ma Rainey’s Black Bottom (2020)
Directed by George C. Wolfe; starring Viola Davis, Chadwick Boseman, Glynn Turman
This is an adaptation of August Wilson’s play about a legendary blues singer (Viola Davis) muscling through a recording session with white producers who want to control her music. Chadwick Boseman’s blistering in his final role. – Bob Mondello, NPR movie critic

Carly Rubin and Ivy Buck contributed to this project. It was edited by Clare Lombardo.

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