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'May love rest gently in your broken heart': What to say to a grieving friend

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'May love rest gently in your broken heart': What to say to a grieving friend

It can be tricky to offer condolences to someone who is grieving. You want to show your friend you love them, but you also know there isn’t much you can say to heal your friend’s pain.

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This month, we asked our audience: What words of comfort do you say to a friend whose loved one has passed away? It was part of a podcast episode and story we did on how to support a grieving friend.

We received dozens of emails on this question. Some people shared the exact messages they sent to their own good friends. Others who have experienced loss told us what not to say — and what they wished people said instead.

As many can attest, it can be tricky to offer condolences — you want to show your friend you love them, but you also know there isn’t much you can say to heal your friend’s pain. Here are some ideas about what to say to a grieving friend. These responses have been edited for length and clarity.

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‘May love rest gently in your broken heart’ 

Our 29-year-old son died unexpectedly in September. There really are no words to console us. Most comments that mention healing or finding peace, however well-intentioned, feel so unrealistic and oblivious to the depth of our loss. I hope we do find peace and some degree of healing eventually, but right now I need to sit with my grief.

I’ve thought a lot more about what I say to those who are grieving. The (barely) best I’ve come up with so far is: “May love rest gently in your broken heart.” —Betsy Hooper-Rosebrook 

A simple way to break the ice 

When my husband passed away unexpectedly five years ago, it was so hard for me to go to the grocery store or the post office. Everyone asked me, “How are you doing?” I felt like I needed to respond in a way that assured the other person I was OK when I was not.

However, two friends would always say, “It’s so good to see you,” and give me a hug. That took the pressure off of me. So now, with my grieving friends, I try to say that too. —Cindy Jackelen

Tell your friend they are wonderful 

On a card, I usually say something like, “I know their life was better because you were in it.” People have commented that they loved hearing that. —Connie DeMillo

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‘Sorry for your loss’ does not cut it 

Of course it is exactly what you mean and is probably sincere, but it’s stock language. Come up with an original, personal message that’s your own. Ask yourself: What would you want someone to say to you if you were in that situation? Give that person the gift of five minutes’ thought and empathy. —Beth Howard 

This illustration shows a wall with multiple arched open windows. Figures are sitting on the windowsills, with heads tilted downward in deep contemplation.

Send your friend a message of support on the death anniversary of their loved one. “It helps relieve the burden of grief when it is acknowledged and shared,” says reader Thomas McCabe.

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Mark death anniversaries on your calendar 

I lost my wife of 42 years to cancer ten years ago. I always dread the approach of her death anniversary. But it’s comforting to receive a text from someone who remembers that day as well.

I have a friend who lost both her husband and her only child to cancer. I’ve marked those dates in my calendar and I send a simple text that says “Sending love to you today.” It helps relieve the burden of grief when it is acknowledged and shared. —Thomas McCabe 

Bring up their laugh 

Say, “I’ll always remember their laugh.” Every time I’ve said it to a grieving person, they perked up, smiled and were truly thankful. —James Vandeputte

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Don’t say nothing

Having lost my son when he was 20, don’t say nothing. Saying something doesn’t remind a grieving friend of their loss. It’s already on their mind 24/7. —David Lavallee

Sit with them quietly

When my mother passed away in 1998, it was very difficult for me. Friends called and came by and said the typical condolences. I didn’t want to hear any of it.

I was sitting alone in my living room quietly when my then 14-year-old son reached out and held my hand. He sat with me and never said anything. After a while, he got up and went back to his room.

In that moment, I found total comfort and understanding. I knew I would get through this sadness. I wondered how my son could know this was all I needed. Sometimes, just sitting with a person and saying nothing is everything. —Sharon S. Barnes

Validate their pain 

Several years ago, I had to deal with the death of two brothers and both parents over a span of about five years. I talked to a friend who had some training in grief counseling, and we worked out together some words to help me grieve and understand. It goes like this:

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Your world has been shattered and is in a million pieces. It no longer makes sense. You can’t see how you can live and breathe and move in this world. But, given time, you will be able to put it back together. It won’t be the same world that you knew before, because there will always be a piece missing — forever. But you’ll be able to live and move in this new world that you’ve put together. Eventually, this world will make sense and start to work for you. You’re even allowed to go visit the place where the piece is missing and grieve.

I’ve been able to pass these words on to others who have been in severe grief, even strangers, and it seems to help. Maybe you can pass this message on to others. —Dan Corbett 

Share the silliest memories 

My mother-in-law died recently at the age of 94. Upon her death, I reminded my wife of 35 years of a humorous event that occurred when my mother-in-law was a mere 80 years old. We were walking behind her into her house and later, the same evening, I told my wife that her mom had a cute butt. When I reminded my wife of that, we both laughed and cried. —Wayne Mac 

Thank you to everyone who wrote in with your words of support and love for grieving friends. 

The digital story was edited by Meghan Keane. The visual producer is Beck Harlan.

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Mundane, magic, maybe both — a new book explores ‘The Writer’s Room’

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Mundane, magic, maybe both — a new book explores ‘The Writer’s Room’

There’s a three-story house in Baltimore that looks a bit imposing. You walk up the stone steps before even getting up to the porch, and then you enter the door and you’re greeted with a glass case of literary awards. It’s The Clifton House, formerly home of Lucille Clifton.

The National Book Award-winning poet lived there with her husband, Fred, starting in 1967 until the bank foreclosed on the house in 1980. Clifton’s daughter, Sidney Clifton, has since revived the house and turned it into a cultural hub, hosting artists, readings, workshops and more. But even during a February visit, in the mid-afternoon with no organized events on, the house feels full.

The corner of Lucille Clifton's bedroom, where she would wake up and write in the mornings

The corner of Lucille Clifton’s bedroom, where she would wake up and write in the mornings

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“There’s a presence here,” Clifton House Executive Director Joël Díaz told me. “There’s a presence here that sits at attention.”

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Sometimes, rooms where famous writers worked can be places of ineffable magic. Other times, they can just be rooms.

The Writer’s Room: The Hidden Worlds That Shape the Books We Love

Princeton University Press

Katie da Cunha Lewin is the author of the new book, The Writer’s Room: The Hidden Worlds That Shape the Books We Love, which explores the appeal of these rooms. Lewin is a big Virginia Woolf fan, and the very first place Lewin visited working on the book was Monk’s House — Woolf’s summer home in Sussex, England. On the way there, there were dreams of seeing Woolf’s desk, of retracing Woolf’s steps and imagining what her creative process would feel like. It turned out to be a bit of a disappointment for Lewin — everything interesting was behind glass, she said. Still, in the book Lewin writes about how she took a picture of the room and saved it on her phone, going back to check it and re-check it, “in the hope it would allow me some of its magic.”

Let’s be real, writing is a little boring. Unlike a band on fire in the recording studio, or a painter possessed in their studio, the visual image of a writer sitting at a desk click-clacking away at a keyboard or scribbling on a piece of paper isn’t particularly exciting. And yet, the myth of the writer’s room continues to enrapture us. You can head to Massachusetts to see where Louisa May Alcott wrote Little Women. Or go down to Florida to visit the home of Zora Neale Hurston. Or book a stay at the Scott & Zelda Fitzgerald Museum in Alabama, where the famous couple lived for a time. But what, exactly, is the draw?

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Lewin said in an interview that whenever she was at a book event or an author reading, an audience question about the writer’s writing space came up. And yes, some of this is basic fan-driven curiosity. But also “it started to occur to me that it was a central mystery about writing, as if writing is a magic thing that just happens rather than actually labor,” she said.

In a lot of ways, the book is a debunking of the myths we’re presented about writers in their rooms. She writes about the types of writers who couldn’t lock themselves in an office for hours on end, and instead had to find moments in-between to work on their art. She covers the writers who make a big show of their rooms, as a way to seem more writerly. She writes about writers who have had their homes and rooms preserved, versus the ones whose rooms have been lost to time and new real estate developments. The central argument of the book is that there is no magic formula to writing — that there is no daily to-do list to follow, no just-right office chair to buy in order to become a writer. You just have to write.

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Bruce Johnston Retiring From The Beach Boys After 61 Years

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Bruce Johnston Retiring From The Beach Boys After 61 Years

Bruce Johnston
I’m Riding My Last Wave With The Beach Boys

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On the brink of death, a woman is saved by a stranger and his family

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On the brink of death, a woman is saved by a stranger and his family

In 1982, Jean Muenchrath was injured in a mountaineering accident and on the brink of death when a stranger and his family went out of their way to save her life.

Jean Muenchrath


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Jean Muenchrath

In early May 1982, Jean Muenchrath and her boyfriend set out on a mountaineering trip in the Sierra Nevada, a mountain range in California. They had done many backcountry trips in the area before, so the terrain was somewhat familiar to both of them. But after they reached one of the summits, a violent storm swept in. It began to snow heavily, and soon the pair was engulfed in a blizzard, with thunder and lightning reverberating around them.

“Getting struck and killed by lightning was a real possibility since we were the highest thing around for miles and lightning was striking all around us,” Muenchrath said.

To reach safer ground, they decided to abandon their plan of taking a trail back. Instead, using their ice axes, they climbed down the face of the mountain through steep and icy snow chutes.

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They were both skilled at this type of descent, but at one particularly difficult part of the route, Muenchrath slipped and tumbled over 100 feet down the rocky mountain face. She barely survived the fall and suffered life-threatening injuries.

This was before cellular or satellite phones, so calling for help wasn’t an option. The couple was forced to hike through deep snow back to the trailhead. Once they arrived, Muenchrath collapsed in the parking lot. It had been five days since she’d fallen.

 ”My clothes were bloody. I had multiple fractures in my spine and pelvis, a head injury and gangrene from a deep wound,” Muenchrath said.

Not long after they reached the trailhead parking lot, a car pulled in. A man was driving, with his wife in the passenger seat and their baby in the back. As soon as the man saw Muenchrath’s condition, he ran over to help.

 ”He gently stroked my head, and he held my face [and] reassured me by saying something like, ‘You’re going to be OK now. I’ll be right back to get you,’” Muenchrath remembered.

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For the first time in days, her panic began to lift.

“My unsung hero gave me hope that I’d reach a hospital and I’d survive. He took away my fears.”

Within a few minutes, the man had unpacked his car. His wife agreed to stay back in the parking lot with their baby in order to make room for Muenchrath, her boyfriend and their backpacks.

The man drove them to a nearby town so that the couple could get medical treatment.

“I remember looking into the eyes of my unsung hero as he carried me into the emergency room in Lone Pine, California. I was so weak, I couldn’t find the words to express the gratitude I felt in my heart.”

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The gratitude she felt that day only grew. Now, nearly 45 years later, she still thinks about the man and his family.

 ”He gave me the gift of allowing me to live my life and my dreams,” Muenchrath said.

At some point along the way, the man gave Muenchrath his contact information. But in the chaos of the day, she lost it and has never been able to find him.

 ”If I knew where my unsung hero was today, I would fly across the country to meet him again. I’d hug him, buy him a meal and tell him how much he continues to mean to me by saving my life. Wherever you are, I say thank you from the depths of my being.”

My Unsung Hero is also a podcast — new episodes are released every Tuesday. To share the story of your unsung hero with the Hidden Brain team, record a voice memo on your phone and send it to myunsunghero@hiddenbrain.org.

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