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In defense of Disney adults

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In defense of Disney adults

There are two words that will strike fear in a grown-up fan of a Disney theme park: Disney adult.

While some may wear the designation as a badge of honor, many associate it with a specific form of humiliation. For a Disney adult is typically seen as not an adult at all.

Their obsession, detractors argue, revolves around a capitalistic enterprise focused on childish happily-ever-after delusions. They are not living in reality, at least if the sneering definition on Urban Dictionary is to be believed; it argues that Disney adults are among “the most terrifyingly intense people you’ll ever encounter.”

What are the signifiers of a Disney adult? It varies, depending on how deep one goes. As a grown man in my mid-40s, I’ve been called a Disney adult. Perhaps it’s the Figment tattoo, or the plethora of monorail-inspired artwork in my home, items I justify as being a fan of art and design. Most likely it’s the fact that I go to the parks twice per month, often by myself, typically just to bask in the atmosphere.

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But is there that big a difference between my love of Disney parks and that of live theater, museums or baseball? Culture, specifically online culture, often says yes, looking down upon those who spend their disposable income at a place devoted to fairy tales and people in costumes. Besides, Disneyland is crowded, expensive — so expensive some go into debt to experience it — and, worst of all, say deriders, fake.

If only all of that were true. Yes the parks can be prohibitively pricy, and they have found numerous ways to ruin the magic with nickel-and-diming. But is the Disney adult truly something to fear? Or are those who’ve held onto their love for Disney beyond childhood — specifically the die-hard fans who continue to pilgrimage to the parks — the sort of imaginative spirits from whom we could learn a thing or two?

To find out, I went to a number of people I consider experts in the Disney adult space — that is, designers, historians, writers, a psychologist and more. Disneyland is often said to be “fun” or “an escape,” but I wanted to dig deeper, to ask those who have thought critically about theme parks why these spaces matter, why millions are drawn to them and what, if any, emotional benefit they provide.

One word kept coming up: play. And with play comes not only silliness but vulnerability and community. Theme parks, everyone agreed, are facilitators of all of the above. And perhaps that’s why the phrase “Disney adult” causes such consternation. Belonging and frivolity are traits to crave, but increasingly they feel like luxuries.

Thoughts on Disney adults?

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Are Disney adults to be envied or feared? Does a day at a theme park spark joy, or cause you stress? Leave a comment below with your take on the benefits — or lack thereof — of being a grown-up Disney fan.

Here’s my take: Humans survive on narrative, telling stories, often romanticized ones, to make sense of the world around us. Spaces that can create the illusion of separating us from our daily lives serve a crucial grown-up purpose: to envelope the guest and create a sense of wonder, grandeur and comfort. Imaginative design, be it Malibu’s Getty Villa or Sleeping Beauty Castle, are not just a balm but therapeutic, allowing us to embody idealized versions of ourselves. And after a week of juggling personal, professional and financial responsibilities, sometimes cavorting with singing pirates and dancing dolls simply takes the edge off.

But don’t just take my word for it. Here are multiple perspectives on the benefits of never graduating from a love of Disney parks.

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The interviews have been lightly edited and condensed for clarity.

Bethanee Bemis

A smiling woman with her head tilted to one side.

Bethanee Bemis.

(Photo illustration by Los Angeles Times; photograph by Sarah Treich.)

Museum specialist at the National Museum of American History and author of “Disney Theme Parks and America’s National Narratives

One of the things that you see, if you’re looking at people going to the Disney parks over time — historically and today — is people saying they have a sense of safety. It’s physical. I’ve seen a lot of people who talk about having children with different abilities, and saying that at Disney they’re not afraid they’re going to run out into the street and be hit by a car. We also saw that during the pandemic. People returned to Disney before they returned to other spaces because they trusted Disney was going to keep them safe.

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But it starts in the ’50s with Disneyland being a place of psychological safety, from the Cold War and the fraught political times. That continues today. There’s a sense that when you go to a Disney park, you put aside whatever you’re thinking of outside, and you just concentrate on the best of humanity. It’s physical and psychological safety, which people are seeking, whether they know that or not.

The Disney parks are very important. They are providing a narrative of what it means to be an American.

— Bethanee Bemis

I, as an adult, still suffer from anxiety. I remember growing up feeling a sense of calmness when I went to Disney because of its predictability and safety. I knew that when I was there I didn’t have to give in to that anxiety. I think that, in part, is what keeps drawing me back. But I saw that too in the research I did for my book. People go initially because they think they’re supposed to or their family went and they want to pass it down, but once they get that psychological release of feeling safe and feeling like they can be their most joyful self, that’s what people are chasing when they go back.

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There are very few shared social institutions anymore in the U.S. We don’t belong to a dominant church. We very clearly don’t belong to one political ideology. But I’ve seen studies that say something like 83% to 90% will go to a Disney park at some point in their lifetime, whether they loved it, hated it or are a Disney adult. I think that’s one of the only shared experiences that as a country we still have. In that sense, I think the Disney parks are very important. They are providing a narrative of what it means to be an American. And one of the reasons we keep going back is because it represents the best. If we were functioning at peak humanity, how would we act to each other? If America were functioning at peak optimal performance, could we be as magical as this place?

Fri Forjindam

A Black woman with glasses looks intently at the camera.

Fri Forjindam.

(Photo illustration by Los Angeles Times; photograph by Nahla Sophie)

Chief development officer at Mycotoo, a Pasadena-based experiential design firm with an emphasis on theme parks

We were born with the language to play and be curious before we even understood letters and alphabets. Curiosity, cause and effect, and gaming have always been in our DNA as a species, and that’s across all cultures. Over time, parameters, ideology and all these things erode the ability to be curious — or the right to be curious. Then it goes from a right to a privilege, where it’s just about whether you can afford to do it, or if you’re in a space that’s welcom[ing] to that mind-set.

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I’m talking about what it means to play and see the world from a different lens — ultimately, that’s what play is, to be able to pretend. All of those things are about changing the lens, and as we age and get older the opportunities to enact that lens get smaller and more limited. So now it becomes a privilege thing, as to whether you can afford it. And I don’t just mean money. Also, time. There’s a cultural affordance. It is a privilege to be able to play.

You can be more vulnerable and you can open up more and have more meaningful connections. I think that’s what theme parks, at a high level, offer.

— Fri Forjindam

You’re commenting on people looking at you with a sense of judgment but also a sense of envy: “How come you can and I can’t? What is it that you do that allows you to do it?” I either wish I could, or I hate that, because it means you’re not a serious person. It changes from person to person and by gender and by ethnic group, but it changes from a right to a privilege and I think that’s unfortunate.

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Even as adults, we’re constantly searching for where we fit and how we can affect people on a micro or macro level. That’s all play, because it’s testing and reacting. If that’s done in an environment that feels safe and judgment-free, you can be more vulnerable and you can open up more and have more meaningful connections. I think that’s what theme parks, at a high level, offer. Once you get deeper, there’s different expressions of that because it’s escapism. But that’s really what it offers. It’s an opportunity to find your tribe and your community.

My experience with Super Nintendo World is different from that of my 14-year-old and 11-year-old, and that’s OK. There was still a sense of possibility through these cute little characters that you were able to embody — these other worlds, these adventures, these challenges and these fantastical scenarios. That never ages. And the minute it does, we are no longer creative. As humanity, when we stop being curious about problem solving and being creative in how we look at things differently, we slowly atrophy.

Mikhael Tara Garver

Mikhael Tara Garver poses with a crooked smile.

Mikhael Tara Garver.

(Photo illustration by Los Angeles Times; photograph by J Bascom)

Co-founder of Culture House Immersive, the experiential entertainment arm of L.A.-based production company Culture House. Garver previously worked with Walt Disney Imagineering and immersive theater production “Sleep No More.”

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I think that there are very few places that we go to that the entire intent is joy. As an adult, I actually think practicing figuring out how to go to a place like that, and how to do that with people I love, is really important. Am I here to say that all the challenges that exist in theme parks — lines, all that stuff — support that? No. But ultimately, why we are going is that it’s built as a place for wonder, joy and play.

I think sports is the other place where that happens for people. But why do we judge if the way you connect to the world is through story, joy and play versus if you connect through the story of fandom, joy and play? That’s kind of how sports identifies itself. I believe they’re interconnected. And I’m a sports fan. I’m wearing my Notre Dame shirt right now. But it’s a misconception.

We crave fandom and we find it in music, but we don’t call people a Beyoncé adult.

— Mikhael Tara Garver

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The first time I worked at a theme park was the [Star Wars: Galactic Starcruiser]. I’ve worked in massive immersive themed work, and I came to theme parks in my 40s as a creator. And the way I approach anything I’ve done, I’m super curious. So the Disney adult phenomena, I became obsessed with understanding. And truly, it’s the same thing as people who are intense about a sports team. It’s the same thing.

It has problems, like fandom around a sports team, but it has beauty and belonging. Yet we don’t say the Dodgers adult. We say the Disney adult. We crave fandom and we find it in music, but we don’t call people a Beyoncé adult. But it’s just narrative. Disney is about living in narrative play worlds. It’s narrative play. Sports is sports play. Music is music play. We dance together.

Margaret Kerrison

A woman with straight hair and a semi-smile

Margaret Kerrison.

(Photo illustration by Los Angeles Times; photograph by Foster Kerrison)

Former theme park designer with Walt Disney Imagineering, helping to lead the creation of Star Wars: Galaxy’s Edge, and author of two books, including “Reimagined Worlds: Narrative Placemaking for People, Play, and Purpose

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If people take a stance against Disney, it’s against mega-corporations or mass consumption. But there’s so many of us who understand it’s more than that. It’s about stories and characters and all the things that give us hope, optimism and fun. Is that so wrong to want that?

I had to coach my husband when I first started working for Imagineering. My husband is a hiker, a birder, a nature person. People were asking me, “So you’re going to be designing theme parks?” And my husband was like, “Yes, that’s right, but I’d rather be going to a national park.” On the drive home I had a serious conversation. “You can’t say stuff like that. You have to be supportive of what I do.” And now, he’s asking to go to Disney theme parks more than I suggest.

It’s about stories and characters and all the things that give us hope, optimism and fun. Is that so wrong to want that?

— Margaret Kerrison

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I think a lot of designers need to be reminded that places that are open to the public are our gathering places. We’re lacking in them. I write in my book about how we’re losing our “third place.” We do everything from home. We go to the gym at home — yoga online — and we can get everything delivered. No matter where you come from, you can step into a place like a Disney theme park and feel like you’re coming home. It’s a place of collective memory. For me and you talking about Disneyland, we’ve never been there together, but we can talk about it like it is our home because we have shared memories.

A lot of the time people are like, “It’s all just made up. It’s fictional. They’re fabricating.”

Everything — any place you go to — is fabricated, unless you go into nature, but even that is by nature’s design. If your feelings are real, if you feel happy and joy and connected, who’s to say whether it’s “real” or not? Do I feel safe and secure? Do I feel like I belong? And is there an invitation to play? For those who say, “Yes, I want to do this. Let’s play,” then those are the ones who benefit the most. Theme parks are meant to be social and meant to promote connection, with the people you’re with or with strangers. It’s the chance to connect with something bigger than yourself. It’s a shared identity, and that’s what makes community.

In the example of my husband, a lot of it is the fear of the unknown — the fear of not knowing how I’m supposed to act or if other people will look at me funny as a grown adult being silly and having fun. But at Disneyland, you see people of all ages dancing in the queue and laughing. In this place, you have permission to be as playful as you want. This is a land of play.

Drea Letamendi

A smiling woman with long straight hair

Drea Letamendi.

(Photo illustration by Los Angeles Times; photograph by Idriss Njike)

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Psychologist, mental health strategist at UCLA and co-host of the podcast “The Arkham Sessions: Psychology of Batman & More

I go to the theme parks relentlessly, without guilt, and continue to buy the passes that I know they’re overcharging me [for]. It is an enjoyment that I cannot and will not give up. I know a lot of people like me who don’t have children but continue to enjoy the Disney theme parks. The first element I think of is play. Everybody can benefit from play. A lot of therapists will agree that adults need play on a consistent basis. More and more, adults are not necessarily discouraged, but not encouraged, to introduce play into their everyday lives. We have a lot of responsibilities — our finances, our relationships and our work relationships. We have very few cues in our lives to participate in play. The Disney parks, without question, give us nonstop cues.

It’s about sparking youthfulness. I don’t mean age by that. I mean a sense of creativity.

— Drea Letamendi

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Why is play important? Play relieves stress. Some people will say Disney planning can be stressful, but for the most part this is the kind of play that reduces stress, and therefore release these wonderful chemicals called endorphins. These are the feel-good chemicals we need to help manage our anxiety, our mood disorders, our feelings of self-doubt and the everyday stress that a lot of us carry. Secondly, play can help improve our brain functions — it’s just a sense of executive functioning. How are we interacting socially? How are we planning our day?

The last thing I’ll say about play: It accelerates and stimulates social interaction. Even if you’re an adult who goes on your own, being connected to other people who enjoy the same things that we enjoy can be incredibly therapeutic. It’s validating. It’s very affirming. We get the sense that our enjoyment of that very thing is shared. There’s a community aspect to it, and you don’t even have to know the people around you for that community benefit to happen. Fundamentally, I really want to underscore the importance of the Disney parks. It’s about sparking youthfulness. I don’t mean age by that. I mean a sense of creativity and getting permission to be free-flowing and fluid in those thoughts.

There’s nothing necessarily wrong with someone who positions themselves or talks about themselves as a Disney adult. The stigma around the term Disney adult is that it might be associated with fandoms or lifestyles that some people are trying to stay away from. As a Disney adult, that seems wild to me. Someone would stay away from a person who loves creativity and fictional characters and immersing themselves in imaginative worlds? I think some people feel deterred by that. At the end of the day, anything that provides positive well-being that doesn’t harm other people should be well accepted.

Robyn Muir

A closeup photo of a smiling woman

Robyn Muir.

(Photo illustration by Los Angeles Times; photograph by Robyn Muir)

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University lecturer, author of “The Disney Princess Phenomenon: A Feminist Analysis” and founder of the scholarly community the Disney, Culture and Society Research Network

Life is really hard, right? Life as an adult is really hard. I think for a long time as a child you are desperate to grow up, and then when you grow up, you think, “Oh God, what have I done that for?” I don’t want to speak for all adults, but there is a notion of, “Here I am, I’ve grown up and now I have all this responsibility. I’ve got to pay bills and I just want to go back to having fun with my friends every so often.”

Disneyland and Walt Disney World, and even the films themselves, they were designed not just for children. They were very aware they wanted to expand that target market. Unfortunately, over the years, what seems to have happened is that Disney and Disney films have become associated with childhood. That’s not how we should think about things. It’s a place for people of all ages. That’s why you’ve got dark rides, where you can go on a nice little boat ride, and you’ve got huge thrill rides like Space Mountain. They want to offer a space for everyone, and that will of course have benefits with profits.

I’ve read Plato and Aristotle, but I know I’m going to have a better time at a Disney theme park, to be honest with you.

— Robyn Muir

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I’ve done research with people where they’ve explained that they might not want to admit that they’re Disney adults. They don’t want judgment because it’s seen as a children’s thing. It’s seen as childish if you’re engaging with it. I don’t think that’s the case. You can be a responsible adult and be very serious while allowing yourself to play and have fun and engage in something that brings you joy. For example, sports fans. It’s the same thing, just in a different setting. Sports fans buy the merchandise. They buy tickets to games. But yet that is not deemed childish. So I think there’s a real issue around how society sees Disney. Is there’s a “sports adult”? Is there a “video game adult”? They’re the same fan practices.

I’m a feminist media scholar, so I’m often looking at media that women are engaging with, and you often see how anything to do with women’s media — a “chick flick” or a rom-com — can’t be taken seriously. And anything associated with children’s media is all kind of suctioned into this idea of being lowbrow. I don’t think that’s a way to categorize media. To go and see the theater one day, and then go to a Disney park, one is highbrow and one is lowbrow and that’s elitist. I’ve read Plato and Aristotle, but I know I’m going to have a better time at a Disney theme park, to be honest with you. I don’t live near a Disney park. If I were able to go to Disneyland every two weeks? What a dream that would be.

Paul Scheer

Paul Scheer with a bald head and scraggly beard and mustache

Paul Scheer.

(Photo illustration by Los Angeles Times; photograph by Luke Dellorso)

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Actor, comedian, podcaster and author of “Joyful Recollections of Trauma,” which documents his formative memories of Disney theme parks

While I like the movies a lot, I don’t have a slavish devotion to them. I love these movies, but I’m a Disney parks adult. I love the parks.

There are days that I’ve gone to Disneyland, and I’ve sat on Main Street, on a bench or off in a little corner, and I just watch people. I watch people enjoying ice cream at 10 a.m. I watch families go by. You can see community. For most people who don’t live in L.A. or near a park, it’s expensive. It’s expensive even if you live in L.A. So it’s an important day. I grew up with this idea that if you go to church, you put on your nice clothes. Disney is like, “We’re going to have a good day.” Everyone brings their A-game.

I think it actually recharges your mind. You’re seeing an alternate world where people are happy, things are fun and everything is delicious. You can go and escape into this other alternate reality, which is jumping on a ride. I love Haunted Mansion. I love Pirates of the Caribbean. But I will say, [Star Wars:] Galaxy’s Edge is, in the grand scheme of what Disney does, one of the most amazing things. You’re transported into a different world. How did they do that? I’ve never felt like that. I walk into Galaxy’s Edge, and I’m like, “Am I at Disney anymore?”

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When you are in your lowest moment or you’re with your friends, it can take you to another place — a place outside of the world you’re in.

— Paul Scheer

But in general, it’s a place that is safe, that is magical, and when you are in your lowest moment or you’re with your friends, it can take you to another place — a place outside of the world you’re in. There’s a reason I don’t like Six Flags as much. It’s an amusement park. A theme park, to me, you walk through the gates and you’re transported into a land of safety and comfort. I grew up in a household where I had an abusive stepfather, and one of the reasons I loved Disney with my dad was because it was truly an escape and a place I didn’t have to worry about anything else.

As an adult, I love bringing my kids there. They can run around and they’re not going to get hurt. There’s this safety of someone looking after you. A theme park, in the grand scheme of things, is a loving hug from a parent. It’s going to tell you a story, it’s going to feed you good food and it’s going to keep you safe, as long as you buckle your safety belt and pull down on the handlebars. It’s the personification of a hug from Nana.

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Justin Sonfield

A smiling man in glasses and a button-down shirt

Justin Sonfield.

(Photo illustration by Los Angeles Times; photograph by Ethan Barber)

CEO of home furnishing company Jonathan Adler and “commanding officer” of the 501st Legion, a “Star Wars” costuming community

I am bullied consistently by [company founder] Jonathan Adler about why I go to Walt Disney World all the time. There’s definitely a thing. “You’re a Disney what?” “Oh, we’re Disney adults.” “So that means you never grew up?” No, that means we go back and enjoy these things as adults. It’s a mind-resetting wonderful thing. I would say most people around us don’t get it. But then we started meeting other Disney adults, and here we are going back more and more, but people don’t get it. And I understand why. On the outside looking in, Disney is a very expensive time.

And there is a perception that it is meant for kids, and if you are that much into Disney you are maybe missing some grown-up gene. I personally don’t believe any of that. Disney people and Disney adults are some of the best people we know, and I think the reason is because they have, in their minds, been able to let go of some of the grind. They can focus on some of the things that made them happy throughout their lives.

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Disney people and Disney adults are some of the best people we know, and I think the reason is because they have, in their minds, been able to let go of some of the grind.

— Justin Sonfield

I’m one of those adults who never gave up play. I always thought that play was essential in my adult life. And there’s science to it. When you go to a corporate retreat, for example, and then all of a sudden you do the “trust game.” You’re going to work together as a team and problem solve. You will find that almost every single time everyone has a good time. It’s very hard to not find out more about co-workers and find out more about yourself in those type of situations. So when you have a theme park, and you’re giving yourself license to relax and play, there’s no question that it’s a positive effect.

How many times have you gone to Disney and seen a family having a day from hell? At the end of the day, they’re yelling at the kids and this and that. With Disney adults, there’s none of that. It’s just positive vibes. So it’s one hell of a reset. I have no idea why people would be against it other than the cost-prohibitive nature to it. There could be the connotation that you’re a little less mature, but honestly? I think it’s the exact opposite. It’s people that are truly in touch with who they are and just love it for what it is.

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It Started with a Midnight Swim and a Kiss Under the Stars

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It Started with a Midnight Swim and a Kiss Under the Stars

When Marian Sherry Lurio and Jonathan Buffington Nguyen met at a mutual friend’s wedding at Higgins Lake, Mich., in July 2022, both felt an immediate chemistry. As the evening progressed, they sat on the shore of the lake in Adirondack chairs under the stars, where they had their first kiss before joining others for a midnight plunge.

The two learned that the following weekend Ms. Lurio planned to attend a wedding in Philadelphia, where Mr. Nguyen lives, and before they had even exchanged numbers, they already had a first date on the books.

“I have a vivid memory of after we first met,” Mr. Nguyen said, “just feeling like I really better not screw this up.”

Before long, they were commuting between Philadelphia and New York City, where Ms. Lurio lives, spending weekends and the odd remote work days in one another’s apartments in Philadelphia and Manhattan. Within the first six months of dating, Mr. Nguyen joined Ms. Lurio’s family for Thanksgiving in Villanova, Pa., and, the following month, she met his family in Beavercreek, Ohio, at a surprise birthday party for Mr. Nguyen’s mother.

Ms. Lurio, 32, who grew up in Merion Station outside Philadelphia, works in investor relations administration at Flexpoint Ford, a private equity firm. She graduated from Dartmouth College with a bachelor’s degree in history and psychology.

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Mr. Nguyen, also 32, was born in Knoxville, Tenn., and raised in Beavercreek, Ohio, from the age of 7. He graduated from Haverford College with a bachelor’s degree in political science and is now a director at Doyle Real Estate Advisors in Philadelphia.

Their long-distance relationship continued for the next few years. There were dates in Manhattan, vacations and beach trips to the Jersey Shore. They attended sporting events and discovered their shared appreciation of the 2003 film, “Love Actually.”

One evening, Mr. Nguyen recalled looking around Ms. Lurio’s small New York studio — strewed with clothes and the takeout meal they had ordered — and feeling “so comfortable and safe.” “I knew that this was something different than just sort of a fling,” he said.

It was an open question when they would move in together. In 2024, Ms. Lurio began the process of moving into Mr. Nguyen’s home in Philadelphia — even bringing her cat, Scott — but her plans changed midway when an opportunity arose to expand her role with her current employer.

Mr. Nguyen was on board with her decision. “It almost feels like stolen valor to call it ‘long distance,’ because it’s so easy from Philadelphia to New York,” Mr. Nguyen said. “The joke is, it’s easier to get to Philly from New York than to get to some parts of Brooklyn from Manhattan, right?”

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In January 2025, Mr. Nguyen visited Ms. Lurio in New York with more up his sleeve than spending the weekend. Together they had discussed marriage and bespoke rings, but when Mr. Nguyen left Ms. Lurio and an unfinished cheese plate at the bar of the Chelsea Hotel that Friday evening, she had no idea what was coming next.

“I remember texting Jonathan,” Ms. Lurio said, bewildered: “‘You didn’t go toward the bathroom!’” When a Lobby Bar server came and asked her to come outside, Ms. Lurio still didn’t realize what was happening until she was standing in the hallway, where Mr. Nguyen stood recreating a key moment from the film “Love Actually,” in which one character silently professes his love for another in writing by flashing a series of cue cards. There, in the storied Chelsea Hotel hallway still festooned with Christmas decorations, Mr. Nguyen shared his last card that said, “Will you marry me?”

They wed on April 11 in front of 200 guests at the Pump House, a covered space on the banks of Philadelphia’s Schuylkill River. Mr. Nguyen’s sister, the Rev. Elizabeth Nguyen, who is ordained through the Unitarian Universalist Association, officiated.

Although formal attire was suggested, Ms. Lurio said that the ceremony was “pretty casual.” She and Jonathan got ready together, and their families served as their wedding parties.

“I said I wanted a five-minute wedding,” Ms. Lurio recalled, though the ceremony ended up lasting a little longer than that. During the ceremony, Ms. Nguyen read a homily and jokingly added that guests should not ask the bride and groom about their living arrangements, which will remain separate for the foreseeable future.

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While watching Ms. Lurio walk down the aisle, flanked by her parents, Mr. Nguyen said he remembered feeling at once grounded in the moment and also a sense of dazed joy: “Like, is this real? I felt very lucky in that moment — and also just excited for the party to start!”

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L.A. Affairs: I loved someone who felt he couldn’t be fully seen with me

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L.A. Affairs: I loved someone who felt he couldn’t be fully seen with me

He always texted when he was outside. No call, no knock. It was just a message and then the soft sound of my door opening. He moved like someone practiced in disappearing.

His name meant “complete” in Arabic, which is what I felt when we were together.

I met him the way you meet most things that matter in Los Angeles — without intending to. In our senior year at a college in eastern L.A. County, we were introduced through mutual friends, then thrown together by the particular gravity of people who recognized something in each other. He was a Muslim medical student, conservative and careful and funny in the dry, precise way of someone who has always had to choose his words. I was loud where he was quiet, messy where he was disciplined. I was out. He was not.

I understood, or thought I did. I thought that I couldn’t get hurt if I was completely conscious throughout the endeavor. Los Angeles has a way of making you feel like the whole world shares your freedoms — until you realize the city is enormous, and not all of it belongs to you in the same way.

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For months, our world was confined to my apartment. He would slip in after dark, and we’d stay up late talking about his family in Iran, classical music and the particular pressure of being the son someone sacrificed everything to bring here. He told me things he said he’d never told anyone, and I believed him.

The orange glow from my Nesso lamp lit his face while the indigo sky pressed against the window behind him. In our small little world, we were safe. Outside was another matter.

On our first real date, I took him to the L.A. Phil’s “An Evening of Film & Music: From Mexico to Hollywood” program. I told him they were cheap seats even though they were the first row on the terrace. He was thrilled in the way only someone who doesn’t expect to be delighted actually gets delighted — fully, without guarding it. I put my arm around his shoulders. At some point, I shifted and moved it, and he nudged it back. He was OK with PDA here.

I remember thinking that wealth is a great barrier to harm and then feeling silly for extrapolating my own experience once again. Inside Walt Disney Concert Hall, we were just two people in love with the same music.

Outside was still another matter.

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In February, on Valentine’s Day, he took me to a Yemeni restaurant in Anaheim. We hovered over saffron tea surrounded by other young Southern Californians, and we looked like friends. Before we went in, we sat in the parking lot of the strip mall — signs in Arabic advertising bread, coffee, halal meats, the Little Arabia District — hand in hand. I leaned over to kiss him.

“Not here,” he said. His eyes shifted furtively. “Someone might see.”

I understood, or told myself I did, but I was saddened. Later, after the kind of reflection that only arrives in the wreckage, I would understand something harder: I had been unconsciously asking him to choose, over and over, between the people he loved and the person he loved. I had a long pattern of choosing unavailable men, telling myself it was because I could handle the complexity. The truth was more embarrassing. I thought that if someone like him chose me anyway — chose me over the weight of societal expectations — it would mean I was worth choosing. It took me a long time to see how unfair that was to him and to me.

We went to the Norton Simon Museum together in November, on the kind of gray Pasadena day when the 210 Freeway roars in the background like white noise. He studied for the MCAT while I wrote a paper on Persian rugs. In between practice problems, he translated ancient Arabic scripts for me. I thought, “We make a good team.” Afterward, we walked through the galleries and he didn’t let go of my arm.

That was the version of us I kept returning to — when the ending came during Ramadan. It arrived as a spiritual reflection of my own. I texted: “Does this end at graduation — whatever we are doing?”

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He thought I meant Ramadan. I did not mean Ramadan.

“I care about you,” he wrote, “but I don’t want you to think this could work out to anything more than just dating. I mean, of course, I’ve fantasized about marrying you. If I could live my life the way I wanted, of course I would continue. I’m just sad it’s not in this lifetime.”

I was in Mexico City when these texts were exchanged. That night I flew to Oaxaca to clear my head and then, after less than 24 hours, flew back to L.A. No amount of vacation would allow me to process what had just happened, so I threw myself back into work.

My therapist told me to use the conjunction “and” instead of “but.” It happened, and I am changed. The harm I caused and the love I felt. The beauty of what we made and the impossibility of where it could go. She gave me a knowing smile when I asked if it would stay with me forever. She didn’t answer, which was the answer.

I think about the freeways now, the way Joan Didion called them our only secular communion. When you’re on the ground in Los Angeles, the world narrows to the few blocks around you. Get on the freeway and you understand the whole body of the city at once: the arteries, the pulse, the scale of the thing.

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You understand that you are a single cell in something enormous and moving. It is all out of your control. I am in a lane. The lane shaped how I drive. He was simply in a different lane, and his lane shaped him, and those two facts can coexist without either of us being the villain of the sad story.

He came like a secret in the night, and he left the same way. What we made in between was real and complicated and mine to hold forever, hoping we find each other in the next life.

The author lives in Los Angeles.

L.A. Affairs chronicles the search for romantic love in all its glorious expressions in the L.A. area, and we want to hear your true story. We pay $400 for a published essay. Email LAAffairs@latimes.com. You can find submission guidelines here. You can find past columns here.

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The Nerve Center of This Art Fair Isn’t Painting. It’s Couture.

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The Nerve Center of This Art Fair Isn’t Painting. It’s Couture.

The art industry is increasingly shaped by artists’ and art businesses’ shared realization that they are locked in a fierce struggle for sustained attention — against each other, and against the rest of the overstimulated, always-online world. A major New York art fair aims to win this competition next month by knocking down the increasingly shaky walls between contemporary art and fashion.

When visitors enter the Independent art fair on May 14, they will almost immediately encounter its open-plan centerpiece: an installation of recent couture looks from Comme des Garçons. It will be the first New York solo presentation of works by Rei Kawakubo, the brand’s founder and mastermind, since a lauded 2017 survey exhibition at the Metropolitan Museum of Art’s Costume Institute.

Art fairs have often been front and center in the industry’s 21st-century quest to capture mindshare. But too many displays have pierced the zeitgeist with six-figure spectacles, like Maurizio Cattelan’s duct-taped banana and Beeple’s robot dogs. Curating Independent around Comme des Garçons comes from the conviction that a different kind of iconoclasm can rise to the top of New York’s spring art scrum.

Elizabeth Dee, the founder and creative director of Independent, said that making Kawakubo’s work the “nerve center” of this year’s edition was a “statement of purpose” for the fair’s evolution. After several years at the compact Spring Studios in TriBeCa, Independent will more than double its square footage by moving to Pier 36 at South Street, on the East River. Dee has narrowed the fair’s exhibitor list, to 76, from 83 dealers in 2025, and reduced booth fees to encourage a focus on single artists making bold propositions.

“Rei’s work has been pivotal to thinking about how my work as a curator, gallerist and art fair can push boundaries, especially during this extraordinary move toward corporatization and monoculture in the art world in the last 20 years,” Dee said.

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Kawakubo’s designs have been challenging norms since her brand’s first Paris runway show in 1981, but her work over the last 13 years on what she calls “objects for the body” has blurred borders between high fashion and wearable sculpture.

The Comme des Garçons presentation at Independent will feature 20 looks from autumn-winter 2020 to spring-summer 2025. Forgoing the runway, Kawakubo is installing her non-clothing inside structures made from rebar and colored plastic joinery.

Adrian Joffe, the president of both Comme des Garçons International and the curated retailer Dover Street Market International (and who is also Kawakubo’s husband), said in an interview that Kawakubo’s intention was to create a sculptural installation divorced from chronology and fashion — “a thing made new again.”

Every look at Independent was made in an edition of three or fewer, but only one of each will be for sale on-site. Prices will be about $9,000 to $30,000. Comme des Garçons will retain 100 percent of the sales.

Asked why she was interested in exhibiting at Independent, the famously elusive Kawakubo said via email, “The body of work has never been shown together, and this is the first presentation in New York in almost 10 years.” Joffe added a broader philosophical motivation. “We’ve never done it before; it was new,” he said. Also essential was the fair’s willingness to embrace Kawakubo’s vision for the installation rather than a standard fair booth.

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Kawakubo began consistently engaging with fine art decades before such crossovers became commonplace. Since 1989, she has invited a steady stream of contemporary artists to create installations in Comme des Garçons’s Tokyo flagship store. The ’90s brought collaborations with the artist Cindy Sherman and performance pioneer Merce Cunningham, among others.

More cross-disciplinary projects followed, including limited-release direct mailers for Comme des Garçons. Kawakubo designs each from documentation of works provided by an artist or art collective.

The display at Independent reopens the debate about Kawakubo’s proper place on the continuum between artist and designer. But the issue is already settled for celebrated artists who have collaborated with her.

“I totally think of Rei as an artist in the truest sense,” Sherman said by email. “Her work questions what everyone else takes for granted as being flattering to a body, questions what female bodies are expected to look like and who they’re catering to.”

Ai Weiwei, the subject of a 2010 Comme des Garçons direct mailer, agreed that Kawakubo “is, in essence, an artist.” Unlike designers who “pursue a sense of form,” he added, “her design and creation are oriented toward attitude” — specifically, an attitude of “rebellion.”

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Also taking this position is “Costume Art,” the spring exhibition at the Costume Institute. Opening May 10, the show pairs individual works from multiple designers — including Comme des Garçons — with artworks from the Met’s holdings to advance the argument made by the dress code for this year’s Met gala: “Fashion is art.”

True to form, Kawakubo sometimes opts for a third way.

“Rei has often said she’s not a designer, she’s not an artist,” Joffe said. “She is a storyteller.”

Now to find out whether an art fair sparks the drama, dialogue and attention its authors want.

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