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Dear Life Kit: My neighbor's Christmas lights are still up. Should I call the HOA?

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Dear Life Kit: My neighbor's Christmas lights are still up. Should I call the HOA?

Shannon Fagan/Getty Images

Have a question you want to ask Dear Life Kit anonymously? Share it here. For our next episode, we’re looking for your queries on doubt and decision making in relationships. 

Dear Life Kit is NPR’s advice column, where experts answer tricky questions about relationships, social etiquette, work culture and more. 

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These questions were answered by Celeste Headlee, a journalist and the author of We Need to Talk: How to Have Conversations That Matter and Sasha Philip, a professional mediator. The conversation has been edited for length and clarity.

Dear Life Kit, We live in a nice neighborhood that has homeowner association (HOA) rules, and our neighbor is violating them. 

They have multiple broken-down vehicles in their driveway, a huge water container they used during Hurricane Helene in 2024, building supplies (even though there was no damage), and they still have Christmas lights up. They’re a real eyesore.  

No one else in the development lives like this. Do we call the president of the HOA? —Sight for Sore Eyes

Headlee: Do not call the HOA president. Go over and talk to them.

Frankly, as a person of color, please don’t bring in the authorities unless it’s absolutely necessary. You have no idea what’s going on in their life. If you call the HOA and they get fined only to find out that they just had a death in the family, or they have a major medical problem, or that something’s been going on that’s completely disrupted their life, you’re going to feel horrible.

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Maybe they need help. Maybe you can go over and say, “I’ve noticed this is happening. Is there anything I can do? Can we get a group of people to help out?”

Philip: Go into this assuming good intentions. Make a plan ahead of time. Say, “OK, I’m going to have this conversation when I’m calm. And if it doesn’t go well, my plan B is X.” And maybe that is calling the HOA. But start at the lowest possible level.

Headlee: It’s hard once you’ve escalated to ratchet back.

Dear Life Kit, My neighbor has a drum set in his basement, and when he plays, I can clearly hear it. He’s decent, however, he practices nearly every day for multiple hours.  I work full time, with one of those days being from home. We’re friends, but I don’t know how to address this. —Drummer Bummer

Headlee: It’s understandable you’re annoyed, but you have to start from the idea that he’s in his personal space. Then ask yourself, “What can I do to make my space better for me?” Put soundproofing insulation on your walls and ceiling. Put on noise-canceling headphones.

Philip: You’re friends. That’s a great starting point. Maybe have a conversation where you work out a compromise. You might say: “Hey, maybe you can practice during hours when I’m not at home,” or “Maybe keep it down a bit when I am home.” Maybe he doesn’t realize it’s bothering you.

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Having that conversation might go a long way, and it may still require noise-canceling headphones. But maybe there’s a little room for compromise and collaboration.

Headlee: Don’t wait until you’re ticked off. Wait until there’s no drumming and you’re calm, then bring it up.

Dear Life Kit, How do I respond to a neighbor who’s invited themselves over to gatherings multiple times? When this person texts me asking if we’re having a party for a certain holiday or event, I’m not sure how to respond. Since she’s a neighbor, it’s not like I can lie. —The More, Not the Merrier

Headlee: Context matters. Maybe she’s lonely. Maybe she’s been excluded in her life and made a vow to herself that she was going to be aggressive and get invited to parties. You can absolutely talk to her and find out.

Or you could just say, I’m having a big party, and it’s OK. If there are 10 people here, what do I care if it’s 11?

Philip: I mostly agree. But maybe you’ve planned these gatherings in great detail. Maybe you’ve bought food, drinks and party favors for 10 people and that 11th person would truly be disruptive.

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There’s no harm in setting boundaries. If they ask to come to your next event, you might say: “Yes, we are having a gathering, but it really is just for this group of people — my close friends, my family, whoever that might be. You’re more than welcome to come to the next gathering.”

It’s OK to say no, but perhaps figure out what’s going on with her and find an opportunity to say yes.

The digital story was edited by Malaka Gharib. The visual editor is Beck Harlan. We’d love to hear from you. Leave us a voicemail at 202-216-9823, or email us at LifeKit@npr.org.

Listen to Life Kit on Apple Podcasts and Spotify, and sign up for our newsletter. Follow us on Instagram: @nprlifekit.

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Lifestyle

Sunday Puzzle: BE-D with two words

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Sunday Puzzle: BE-D with two words

On-air challenge

Every answer today is a familiar two-word phrase or name in which the first word starts BE- and the second word start D- (as in “bed”). (Ex. Sauce often served with tortilla chips  –>  BEAN DIP)

1. Sinuous Mideast entertainer who may have a navel decoration

2. Oscar category won multiple times by Frank Capra and Steven Spielberg

3. While it’s still light at the end of the day

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4. Obstruction in a stream made by animals that gnaw

5. Actress who starred in “Now, Voyager” and “Whatever Happened to Baby Jane?”

6. Two-time Conservative prime minister of Great Britain in the 19th century

7. Italian for “beautiful woman”

8. Patron at an Oktoberfest, e.g.

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9. Dim sum dish made with ground meat and fillings wrapped in a wonton and steamed

10. [Fill in the blank:] Something that is past its prime has seen ___

11. Like the engine room and sleeping quarters on a ship

Last week’s challenge

Last week’s challenge came from Robert Flood, of Allen, Texas. Name a famous female singer of the past (five letters in the first name, seven letters in the last name). Remove the last letter of her first name and you can rearrange all the remaining letters to name the capital of a country (six letters) and a food product that its nation is famous for (five letters).

Challenge answer

Sarah Vaughan, Havana, Sugar.

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Winner

Josh McIntyre of Raleigh, N.C.

This week’s challenge (something different)

I was at a library. On the shelf was a volume whose spine said “OUT TO SEA.” When I opened the volume, I found the contents has nothing to do with sailing or the sea in any sense. It wasn’t a book of fiction either. What was in the volume?

If you know the answer to the challenge, submit it below by Wednesday, December 24 at 3 p.m. ET. Listeners whose answers are selected win a chance to play the on-air puzzle.

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JoJo Siwa’s Boyfriend Chris Hughes Says He Plans to Propose When Least Expected

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JoJo Siwa’s Boyfriend Chris Hughes Says He Plans to Propose When Least Expected

JoJo Siwa
Boyfriend Chris Hughes Reveals Engagement Plans …
Gotta Take Her By Surprise!!!

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When a loved one dies, where do they go? A new kids’ book suggests ‘They Walk On’

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When a loved one dies, where do they go? A new kids’ book suggests ‘They Walk On’

Rafael López / Roaring Brook Press

A couple of years ago, after his mom died, Fry Bread author Kevin Maillard found himself wondering, “but where did she go?”

“I was really thinking about this a lot when I was cleaning her house out,” Maillard remembers. “She has all of her objects there and there’s like hair that’s still in the brush or there is an impression of her lipstick on a glass.” It was almost like she was there and gone at the same time.

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Maillard found it confusing, so he decided to write about it. His new children’s book is And They Walk On, about a little boy whose grandma has died. “When someone walks on, where do they go?” The little boy wonders. “Did they go to the market to thump green melons and sail shopping carts in the sea of aisles? Perhaps they’re in the garden watering a jungle of herbs or turning saplings into great sequoias.”

AndTheyWalkOn_9781250821980_IN_12-13.jpg

Rafael López / Roaring Brook Press

Maillard grew up in Oklahoma. His mother was an enrolled member of the Seminole Nation. He says many people in native communities use the phrase “walked on” when someone dies. It’s a different way of thinking about death. “It’s still sad,” Maillard says, “but then you can also see their continuing influence on everything you do, even when they’re not around.”

And They Walk On.jpg

Rafael López / Roaring Brook Press

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And They Walk On was illustrated by Mexican artist Rafael López, who connected to the story on a cultural and personal level. “‘Walking on’ reminds me so much of the Day of the Dead,” says López, who lost his dad 35 years ago. “My mom continues to celebrate my dad. We talk about something funny that he said. We play his favorite music. So he walks with us every day, wherever we go.”

It was López who decided that the story would be about a little boy: a young Kevin Maillard. “I thought, we need to have Kevin because, you know, he’s pretty darn cute,” he explains. López began the illustrations with pencil sketches and worked digitally, but he created all of the textures by hand. “I use acrylics and I use watercolors and I use ink. And then I distressed the textures with rags and rollers and, you know, dried out brushes,” he says. “I look for the harshest brush that I neglected to clean, and I decide this is going to be the perfect tool to create this rock.”

The illustrations at the beginning of the story are very muted, with neutral colors. Then, as the little boy starts to remember his grandmother, the colors become brighter and more vivid, with lots of purples and lavender. “In Mexico we celebrate things very much with color,” López explains, “whether you’re eating very colorful food or you’re buying a very colorful dress or you go to the market, the color explodes in your face. So I think we use color a lot to express our emotions.”

AndTheyWalkOn_9781250821980_IN_16-17.jpg

Rafael López / Roaring Brook Press

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On one page, the little boy and his parents are packing up the grandmother’s house. The scene is very earthy and green-toned except for grandma’s brightly-colored apron, hanging on a hook in the kitchen. “I want people to start noticing those things,” says López, “to really think about what color means and where he is finding this connection with grandma.”

Kevin Maillard says when he first got the book in the mail, he couldn’t open it for two months. “I couldn’t look at it,” he says, voice breaking. What surprised him, he said, was how much warmth Raphael López’s illustrations brought to the subject of death. “He’s very magical realist in his illustrations,” explains Maillard. And the illustrations, if not exactly joyful, are fanciful and almost playful. And they offer hope. “There’s this promise that these people, they don’t go away,” says Maillard. “They’re still with us… and we can see that their lives had meaning because they touched another person.”

AndTheyWalkOn_9781250821980_IN_34-35.jpg

Rafael López / Roaring Brook Press

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