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L.A. Affairs: I froze my eggs, and he got a vasectomy. Could we still have a love story?

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L.A. Affairs: I froze my eggs, and he got a vasectomy. Could we still have a love story?

Freezing your eggs isn’t sexy. Neither the existential questions it forces nor the toll it takes on your body are conducive to dating.

Yet when I matched with Graham on an app last February, the transparency was refreshing. He explained he was newly divorced and co-parenting his two children back home in London. He would be in Los Angeles for a few intervals throughout the year, working as an orchestrator on a blockbuster franchise film.

I was equally forthright about starting my first egg-freezing cycle, unsure how I’d respond to all the hormones I was set to inject. He was very considerate and curious; the conversation flowed. I wanted to grab drinks with him before he left town until summer, even if I could not drink. Bloated and fatigued, I met him on a Saturday at a brewery equidistant from my apartment in Palms and his hotel in Century City.

Although I thought he was a great guy, I was in no emotional state to gauge romantic chemistry. The mandatory celibacy aside, preserving my fertility at 35 and pondering what it meant for perspective partners had clouded my usual fervor. I believe he kissed me after walking me to my car, saying he’d love to see me again when he came back, but most of the date went forgotten in the following months.

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He returned and reached out in August, where he again found me in quite a funk. I told him I wasn’t sure where I stood with casual dating, but he still insisted on taking me to dinner, no strings attached. I think I surprised us both by wanting to take our encounter further that night.

When I brought up contraception, he revealed he’d had a vasectomy. I can’t recall if he’d previously mentioned not wanting more kids, but either way, I thought nothing of it where I was concerned. I only found it incredibly presumptuous for him to believe he’d never again change a diaper.

We saw each other once or twice a week for the remainder of the month, mostly grabbing dinner or breakfast at the Westfield mall, where it was cheaper to park than to valet at his hotel around the corner, despite all the time inevitably spent searching for my car.

When he moved to a boutique hotel in Burbank, we ate our way down the row of restaurants on that stretch of Riverside Drive. One night over Japanese barbecue, where he neglected to tell me Brendan Fraser was seated opposite us the entire time, we discussed what we were looking for long-term. I noted our arrangement might be working so well because we knew it was temporary. Since we lived in different cities and were in different chapters of our lives, we could just enjoy the time we were allotted, without reconciling opposing ambitions.

He returned to London for a few weeks but was soon back in Los Angeles for a longer stretch. We celebrated his 40th birthday with his work friends at a bar in Venice. He took me to see Dudamel conduct Mahler’s Second Symphony at Walt Disney Concert Hall. We had tea at the Huntington before wandering through its gardens and buying each other kitschy socks at the gift shop. Although there were still boundaries I maintained given the circumstances, our connection felt unexpectedly effortless.

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In October, I spoke with my clinic about doing another round of egg-freezing. I was prescribed birth control pills to delay the start while I traveled for some weddings in my homeland, the East Coast. I was glad a second cycle wouldn’t prohibit me from enjoying my last days with Graham, whom I already missed.

But he was working New Zealand hours now as the crew finalized the film. Finishing its soundtrack simultaneously was far more grueling than he anticipated. Never did I imagine one of the world’s most prolific directors would single-handedly be stopping me from getting laid. I managed to steal Graham away for a few hours of Halloween Horror Nights at Universal Studios, but that was neither the time nor the place to reflect on our feelings.

He invited me to an industry concert on his last night in town, where I saw him in his element, conducting the score he’d orchestrated, wearing the socks I’d bought him. The woman seated next to me remarked what a great conductor he was and asked his name. I gave it to her and identified him as my friend, despite how amusing I imagined it would be to say I was sleeping with him.

He’d developed a fondness for L.A.’s many doughnut shops, so I brought a box from Sidecar back to his hotel. As he packed, we casually threw out possible avenues for us to reunite. Maybe at an upcoming gig he had in Miami, or meeting halfway the next time I was in New York? Fate simply did not allow us the time or the energy to tie things up neatly. He returned to his home and his children the next day, and I to a new series of hormone injections.

Despite the ocean and continent that now separated us, it seemed I was losing Graham more to bad timing than to time zones. It’s hard to imagine two people farther apart than one who has surgically altered their body to no longer procreate and the other who was medically pushing their body to new limits for the opportunity to do so.

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Once I’d healed from my retrieval, I asked Graham for a call to properly process our time together. A month after we said goodbye at his hotel in Burbank, he spoke to me from his hotel in Paris before the film’s European premiere. Although we couldn’t definitively say when our dynamic shifted into something deeper, we agreed it had. We felt better confirming these feelings were mutual, but we remained at the same impasse that had been there from the start.

I let myself be more vulnerable with him than ever before and shared how important having children was to me and what a source of angst it had been that I still hadn’t. Although he loved his children, whose faces and personalities I’d come to know through his many photos and anecdotes, he’d decided long ago he was done.

Still, he reiterated how grateful he was to have met me and how much I’d enriched his time in L.A. beyond his many hours in the studio. He’s almost certain he’ll be back for work at some point, though he doesn’t know when, much less where either of us will be in our dating lives.

But whenever that moment arrives, if neither of us is lucky to have found someone whose goals better align, with whom things feel just as effortless, he is welcome to share his time in Los Angeles with me.

The author is a writer and producer from New York, living in Los Angeles at the intersection of Palms, Culver City and Cheviot Hills. Find her there or at jamiedeline.com and on Instagram @jamiedeline.

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L.A. Affairs chronicles the search for romantic love in all its glorious expressions in the L.A. area, and we want to hear your true story. We pay $400 for a published essay. Email LAAffairs@latimes.com. You can find submission guidelines here. You can find past columns here.

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Can you say no to a friend’s wedding? : It’s Been a Minute

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Can you say no to a friend’s wedding? : It’s Been a Minute

Can you say no to a friend’s wedding?

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Are we spending too much on other people’s weddings?

Going to a friend’s weddings can be so fun and meaningful… but it can also really hurt your wallet. A survey by LendingTree found that 31% of people who had been to a wedding in the past five years had accrued debt to attend. So what’s driving up the cost of weddings for guests? And what makes it so hard to say no to these expenses?

Brittany breaks it down with Allyson Rees, senior analyst at trend forecasting firm WGSN, and Annie Joy Williams, assistant editor at The Atlantic.

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This episode was produced by Liam McBain, with additional support from Corey Antonio Rose. It was edited by Neena Pathak. Our Supervising Producer is Cher Vincent. Our Executive Producer is Barton Girdwood. Our VP of Programming is Yolanda Sangweni.

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Is it safe to eat from your garden after the Boyle Heights warehouse fire?

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Is it safe to eat from your garden after the Boyle Heights warehouse fire?

After the eight-day-long fire in a 500,000-square-foot Boyle Heights warehouse, eastern Los Angeles residents are contending with putrid smells, soot and potentially hazardous airborne chemicals after heavy plumes of smoke spread throughout the city. But those who grow food in nearby neighborhoods may also be wondering: How will the fires affect the plants and produce in my garden?

The Boyle Heights warehouse, owned by Lineage — a global temperature-controlled storage facility operator — housed 85 million pounds of frozen food and other products. In the days since the fire, local emergency visits for smoke inhalation and throat pain spiked while agencies still scramble to measure the amount of PM 2.5 — harmful fine particles — and heavy metals, like lead and arsenic, in the air.

According to researchers, any toxic airborne chemicals would likely stem from the charred foam insulation, metal exterior, burned solar panels and any lithium batteries that might have been present inside the warehouse.

After a fire, heavy metal particles can spread through ash and smoke over gardens and inhibit growth, said Olukayode Jegede, an agricultural toxicologist and assistant professor at UC Davis. Since the warehouse fire is so recent and cleanup has just begun, Jegede said the precise impact on gardens can’t be measured until comprehensive soil tests are conducted in the area.

While the L.A. city government hasn’t announced plans for soil testing, the Contaminant Level Evaluation and Analysis for Neighborhoods project at USC is offering free contaminant testing for Boyle Heights and East L.A. residents. Residents can collect soil samples and deliver them to Boyle Heights City Hall and other locations for an evaluation of lead, arsenic, chromium and mercury levels.

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The good news is produce, plants and roots can still be preserved. According to Jegede, many of the soil tests conducted last year in the Altadena area after the Eaton fire showed that gardens and poultry were not as contaminated as one might expect.

“Quite a number of the soils we tested [in Altadena] were not really contaminated,” Jegede said. “We weren’t seeing many soils with concerning elevated levels of metal, so gardeners should not be too alarmed when these things happen.”

Nevertheless, there are several measures that gardeners can take to keep themselves, their children, plants and produce safe from potentially harmful contaminants stemming from the fire. Researchers, gardening experts and horticulturists offered some guidance on the handling, recultivation and cleanup that can keep you and your garden in good health.

How do I remove ash and contaminants from my garden?

Altadena horticulturist Leigh Adams said Boyle Heights plants and produce already live in a difficult environment, surrounded by industrial warehouses that spread contaminants daily.

“That area has been used industrially for 100 years, and the soil is impacted by many, many, many things,” Adams said. “Low-income neighborhoods and gardens usually don’t have a lot of resistance against dominant manufacturing.”

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This means that the contamination of gardens in eastern L.A. won’t be as catastrophic as compared with those in Altadena, a more suburban environment, Adams said. But fallen ash still poses major health risks if ingested or inhaled.

An advisory from University of California Agricultural and Natural Resources last year recommended suiting up in an N95/KN95 mask, long sleeves, pants, close-toed shoes and gloves before attempting to deal with ash in the garden to limit exposure to potentially toxic contaminants. The advisory added that individuals should make sure all of this gear is cleaned thoroughly before bringing it back inside.

Once in the proper gear, Adams recommends removing the top two inches of topsoil from gardens, where the highest concentration of contaminants will settle after a fire. Using a plastic bag to collect the soil and disposing of it in the garbage — not green yard waste bins — will help to reduce the spread of airborne chemicals.

Gardeners with raised beds are advised to remove approximately six inches of soil, because excess ash can raise the pH level and prevent nutrients from soaking into the soil bed.

After this, watering the garden gently but plentifully will help to promote soil health and get rid of most of the ash present on plant leaves and stems. Adams said replacing the top two inches of soil with store-bought mulch or straw will help to contain any remaining ash and prevent it from spreading any further.

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Experts say to avoid using leaf blowers if ash is present in the garden because they can send particles airborne. Doing so will increase the likelihood of heavy metal particles, which can carry lung irritants and carcinogens, being spread and inhaled.

A Boyle Heights resident keep a watchful eye on the fire at the 5,000-square-foot commercial building, which stores 85 million pounds of frozen food.

(Genaro Molina / Los Angeles Times)

Is it safe for me to eat produce from my garden?

Several studies, including one from the UC Cooperative Extension of Sonoma County, have shown that consuming produce in a fire-affected area poses minimal health risks.

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Jegede said most root vegetables like potatoes and carrots, along with any fruit that has an outer layer, can be washed to remove potential contaminants, even if they were covered in ash. Peeling the outer layer of your produce can also help to reduce potential risks, he said.

Lettuce and other leafy foods with multiple layers pose a higher risk of contamination, but with a vigorous wash and peeling the outer layers, even the greens can be saved. The County of Los Angeles Department of Public Health recommends soaking leafy produce and fuzzy fruits like peaches in a 10% white vinegar and 90% water mixture.

Jegede said if the leaves or fruit are too delicate to wash or ash is still visible, it would be best to dispose of the produce.

How can I tell if my soil is contaminated?

After ridding your garden of visible ash, you might wonder how to tell if your plants will still thrive in the soil.

At-home soil tests that measure for alkaline, fertility and pH levels are widely available and can be purchased for $15 to $100 (for more detailed results) online. But Jegede said these tests can’t tell the full story of soil health.

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Comprehensive soil testing is “something you can’t do properly at home,” Jegede said. “In labs, we are testing for metals like lithium and zinc, stuff that an at-home test will not show … If it comes to the point that you’re worried about your soil, I would just send it out to a lab.”

Wallace Laboratories in El Segundo, Babcock Laboratories in Riverside, Waypoint Analytical in Anaheim and other labs offer more detailed soil tests that measure heavy metal particles in addition to other fertility factors. Prices at Wallace Laboratories can range from $115 to $295 for a complete compost test.

The soil below two inches should be unharmed, Adams said, so long as new compost is set and plants are watered plentifully, which will promote natural biological cycles.

“What you’re doing is capping the soil, so that moisture stays in there, and instead of being dirt, it’s a living system called soil,” Adams said. “The more carbon we can get into our soil, the better.”

What can I do to help my soil recover?

For the last 12 years, Adams has been working with Metabolic Studio, a Los Angeles-based art and research hub focused on environmentalism, on methods for bioremediation, the practice of using additional fungi, plants and compost to decontaminate ash and break down contaminants.

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Adams said straw, mushrooms, corn, rye and sunflowers are great bioremediators that can help to repair damage to soils. She said certain samples she’s worked on with Metabolic Studio have gone from testing at high heavy metal levels to nearly contaminant-free.

But for a more immediate fix, wash your produce, water your plants and have a little patience during ash cleanups. Your garden should look better in no time, Adams and Jegede said.

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Why Gen Z is movie-maxxing : Pop Culture Happy Hour

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Why Gen Z is movie-maxxing : Pop Culture Happy Hour

Inde Navarrette and Michael Johnston in Obsession.

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Two big horror films, Obsession and Backrooms, just smashed all box office expectations. So much of their success has been driven by Gen Z, which is now the biggest moviegoing demographic. But what makes a movie a Gen Z movie? Today we’re bringing you an episode of NPR’s It’s Been a Minute. Host Brittany Luse talks about this trend with Sam Adams and Reanna Cruz. 

If you want to hear more about these movies, check out these episodes: 

In ‘Obsession,’ love hurts. It really, really, really hurts.

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‘Backrooms’ brings YouTube horror to the big screen

Zendaya brings ‘The Drama,’ we bring the spoilers

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