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Movie Review – If I Had Legs I’d Kick You (2025)

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Movie Review – If I Had Legs I’d Kick You (2025)

If I Had Legs I’d Kick You, 2025.

Written and Directed by Mary Bronstein.
Starring Rose Byrne, Delaney Quinn, Mary Bronstein, A$AP Rocky, Ivy Wolk, Mark Stolzenberg, Conan O’Brien, Manu Narayan, Danielle Macdonald, Eva Kornet, Ella Beatty, Helen Hong, Daniel Zolghadri, Josh Pais, Ronald Bronstein, Laurence Blum, Lark White, Amy Judd Lieberman, Char Sidney. Jodi Michelle Pynn, and Christian Slater.

SYNOPSIS:

With her life crashing down around her, Linda attempts to navigate her child’s mysterious illness, her absent husband, a missing person, and an increasingly hostile relationship with her therapist.

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For Rose Byrne’s high-strung psychotherapist Linda, the sky is falling metaphorically and in a literal sense. She not only has a young daughter with an unspecified eating condition that requires a feeding tube in her stomach, creating a hole, until putting on a little more weight herself through solid foods, in which case the tube would be removed, with the hole instantly closing.  In what is a more jolting jump scare than most modern horror movies offer, her ceiling has also caved in, leaving a gaping hole in her apartment.

And that’s not even the half of Linda’s problems in writer/director Mary Bronstein’s If I Had Legs I’d Kick You, where the rotten luck continues over multiple months yet is tightly edited together by Lucian Johnston in such a manner where time feels as if it doesn’t exist, with the concept of life presented as a series of cliff climbs where the only thing that’s there after reaching the top is yet another one to climb.

The closest thing to a free moment for Linda comes early on when she tries to enjoy a slice of cheese off of a massacred pizza (from being dropped on the sidewalk after picking it up, which also gives you another look at how everything that could go wrong is going wrong here), with a close-up of her face mid-chew and tiny pleasure for all of two seconds before her daughter (credited as Child and impressively played by Delayney Quinn) is calling for something from another room.

One other important detail regarding the presentation of Linda’s daughter is that it’s more of a disembodied voice. Yes, there are moments where a limb or article of clothing is caught in the background or in bed as Linda puts her to sleep while also changing the feeding tube liquids, but the idea here seems to be portraying parenting as hearing a voice that never stops, because it’s a job with no breaks. Then there is the creeping thought from Linda that maybe she was never meant to be a mom. It’s also a clever way around depicting a highly ill, if otherwise generally in good spirits, child in an emotionally manipulative gaze. It’s also sticking with Linda’s perspective, not only for the towering Rose Byrne performance, which runs the gamut of facial expressions, but also to maintain the feeling that a crushing weight is on her shoulders as a woman and a mother.

Keep in mind, Linda has to work with the problems of several other patients as a psychotherapist while barely holding it together herself. The film also offers a uniquely nuanced look at therapy, with at least one of Linda’s patients coming across as excitable, seemingly living a good life, yet wasting everyone’s time. Then there is Caroline (Danielle Macdonald), a mother obsessed with protecting her daughter to the point of sheer terror at the thought of leaving her child with a babysitter, having watched far too much true crime and fearing that whoever she leaves her baby with will be a murderer.

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Despite Linda trying to work Caroline through some of these exaggerated thoughts into more rational thinking, there is also a fascinating juxtaposition, perhaps even a mirror, in that Linda finds herself looking at the same true crime story later, as worrying over the most unlikely scenarios is also part of being a mother.

With Linda’s demeaning husband away on a work trip (catching sports games while rudely and wrongly accusing her of having a life of rest, listening to “whiny” patients in between caring for their daughter), she and her child are staying at a nearby motel. During these nighttime scenes, it becomes evident that Linda isn’t exactly Mom of the Year, and that’s okay, because the point of this anxiety-ridden movie is the messiness and never-ending stress of parenting itself. Nevertheless, Linda has a bit of a drinking problem, which threatens to spiral into a drug problem as she makes the acquaintance of nearby cashier James (A$AP Rocky), striking a friendship.

Perhaps the real kicker in all of this is that psychoanalyst Linda has her own psychoanalyst in an unnamed coworker played by Conan O’Brien of all people, disappearing into a role that’s primarily stripped of comedy (although it would be fair to ascribe much of what happens here is nervous, nerve-racking comedy that’s not funny because of what’s happening, but more due to the amount of bad luck on display). It’s a dynamic that complicates the already complicated relationship between patients and therapists, further complicating it now with a woman refusing to take the advice she herself gives to most of her patients.

That’s possibly because what If I Had Legs I’d Kick You is getting at is that perhaps therapy isn’t always helpful if one doesn’t want to address what’s wrong with themselves first. Maybe Conan O’Brien’s psychotherapist does have valid answers, but Linda wouldn’t be able to put them to use anyway, since, in her mind, she is already a failure, and everything, including things that are impossible to be her fault, such as her daughter’s illness, is her fault. Having an unsupportive husband lacking empathy doesn’t help matters, either. Maybe most of all, Linda needs to find some way to help herself before she can ever help her daughter. Underneath all the manic energy and stress is a film that, even if every big swing doesn’t work, leaves so much to contemplate and grapple with; it’s like a hole that will never close.

Flickering Myth Rating – Film: ★ ★ ★ ★ / Movie: ★ ★ ★ ★

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Robert Kojder

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=embed/playlist

 

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Movie Reviews

‘Project Hail Mary’ Review: Ryan Gosling and a Rock Make Sci-Fi Magic

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‘Project Hail Mary’ Review: Ryan Gosling and a Rock Make Sci-Fi Magic

In contrast to other sci-fi heroes, like Interstellar’s Cooper, who ventures into the unknown for the sake of humanity and discovery, knowing the sacrifice of giving up his family, Grace is externally a cynical coward. With no family to call his own, you’d think he’d have the will to go into space for the sake of the planet’s future. Nope, he’s got no courage because the man is a cowardly dog. However, Goddard’s script feels strikingly reflective of our moment. Grace has the tools to make a difference; the Earth flashbacks center on him working towards a solution to the antimatter issue, replete with occasionally confusing but never alienating dialogue. He initially lacks the conviction, embodying a cynicism and hopelessness that many people fall into today. 

The film threads this idea effectively through flashbacks that reveal his reluctance, giving the story a tragic undercurrent. Yet, it also makes his relationship with Rocky, the first living thing he truly learns to care for, ever more beautiful. 

When paired with Rocky, Gosling enters the rare “puppet scene partner” hall of fame alongside Michael Caine in The Muppet Christmas Carol, never letting the fact that he’s acting opposite a puppet disrupt the sincerity of his performance. His commitment to building a gradual, affectionate friendship with this animatronic creation feels completely natural, and the chemistry translates beautifully on screen. It stands as one of the stronger performances of his career.

Project Hail Mary is overly long, and while it can be deeply affecting, the film leans on a few emotional fake-outs that become repetitive in the latter half. By the third time it deploys the same sentimental beat, the effect begins to feel cloying, slightly dulling the powerful emotions it built earlier. The constant intercutting between past and present can also feel thematically uneven at times, occasionally undercutting the narrative momentum. At 2 hours and 36 minutes, the film feels like it’s stretching itself to meet a blockbuster runtime when a tighter cut might have served better.

FINAL STATEMENT

Project Hail Mary is a meticulously crafted, hopeful, and dazzling space epic that proves the most moving friendship in film this year might just be between Ryan Gosling and a rock.

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Movie Reviews

Dan Webster reviews “WTO/99”

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Dan Webster reviews “WTO/99”

DAN WEBSTER:

It may now seem like ancient history, especially to younger listeners, but it was only 26 years ago when the streets of Seattle were filled with protesters, police and—ultimately—scenes of what ended up looking like pure chaos.

It is those scenes—put together to form a portrait of what would become known as the “Battle of Seattle” —that documentary filmmaker Ian Bell captures in his powerful documentary feature WTO/99.

We’ve seen any number of documentaries over the decades that report on every kind of social and cultural event from rock concerts to war. And the majority of them follow a typical format: archival footage blended with interviews, both with participants and with experts who provide an informational, often intellectual, perspective.

WTO/99 is something different. Like The Perfect Neighbor, a 2026 Oscar-nominated documentary feature, Bell’s film consists of what could be called found footage. What he has done is amass a series of news reports and personal video recordings into an hour-and-42-minute collection of individual scenes, mostly focused on a several-block area of downtown Seattle.

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That is where a meeting of the WTO, the World Trade Organization, was set to be held between Nov. 30 and Dec. 3, 1999. Delegates from around the world planned to negotiate trade agreements (what else?) at the Washington State Convention and Trade Center.

Months before the meeting, however, a loose coalition of groups—including NGOs, labor unions, student organizations and various others—began their own series of meetings. Their objective was to form ways to protest not just the WTO but, to some of them, the whole idea of a world order they saw as a threat to the economic independence of individual countries.

Bell’s film doesn’t provide much context for all this. What we mostly see are individuals arguing their points of view as they prepare to stop the delegates from even entering the convention center. Meanwhile, Seattle authorities such as then-Mayor Paul Schell and then-Police Chief Norm Stamper—with brief appearances by Gov. Gary Locke and King County Executive Ron Sims—discuss counter measures, with Schell eventually imposing a curfew.

That decision comes, though, after what Bell’s film shows is a peaceful protest evolving into a street fight between people parading and chanting, others chained together and splinter groups intent on smashing the storefronts of businesses owned by what they see as corporate criminals. One intense scene involves a young woman begging those breaking windows to stop and asking them why they’re resorting to violence. In response a lone voice yells their reasoning: “Self-defense.”

Even more intense, though, are the actions of the Seattle police. We see officers using pepper spray, tear gas, flash grenades and other “non-lethal” means such as firing rubber pellets into the crowd. In one scene, a uniformed guy—not identified as a police officer but definitely part of the security crowd, which included National Guardsmen—is shown kicking a guy in the crotch.

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The media, too, can’t avoid criticism. Though we see broadcast reporters trying to capture what was happening—with some affected like everybody else by the tear gas that filled the streets like a winter fog—the reports they air seem sketchy, as if they’re doctors trying to diagnose a serious illness by focusing on individual cells. And the images they capture tend to highlight the violence over the well-meaning actions of the vast majority of protesters.

Reactions to what Bell has put on the screen are bound to vary, based on each viewer’s personal politics. Bell revels his own stance by choosing selectively from among thousands of hours of video coverage to form the narrative he feels best captures what happened those two decades-and-change ago.

If nothing else, WTO/99 does reveal a more comprehensive picture of what happened than we got at the time. And, too, it should prepare us for the future. The way this country is going, we’re bound to see a lot more of the same.

Call it the “Battle for America.”

For Spokane Public Radio, I’m Dan Webster.

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Movies 101 host Dan Webster is the senior film critic for Spokane Public Radio.

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Movie Reviews

Movie Review: ‘Scream 7’ – Catholic Review

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Movie Review: ‘Scream 7’ – Catholic Review

NEW YORK (OSV News) – As its title suggests, “Scream 7” (Paramount) is the latest extension of a long-lived horror franchise, one that’s currently approaching its 30th anniversary on screen. Since each chapter of this slasher saga has been a bloodsoaked mess, the series’ longevity will strike moviegoers of sense as inexplicable.

Yet the slog continues. While the previous film in the sequence shifted the action from California to New York, this second installment, following a 2022 quasi-reboot, settles on a Midwestern locale and reintroduces us to the series’ original protagonist, Sidney Evans, nee Prescott (Neve Campbell).

Having aged out of the adolescent demographic on whom the various murderers who have donned the Ghostface mask that serves as these films’ dubious trademark over the years seem to prefer to prey, Sidney comes equipped with a teen daughter, Tatum (Isabel May). Will Tatum prove as resourceful in evading the unwanted attentions of Ghostface as Mom has?

On the way to answering that question, a clutch of colorless minor characters fall victim to the killer, who sometimes gets — according to his or her lights — creative. Thus one is quite literally made to spill her guts, while another ends up skewered on a barroom’s pointy beer tap.

Through it all, director Kevin Williamson and his co-writer Guy Busick try to peddle a theme of female empowerment in the face of mortal danger. They also take a stab, as it were, at constructing a plotline about intergenerational family tensions. When not jarring viewers with grisly images, however, they’re only likely to lull them into a stupor.

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The film contains excessive gory violence, including disembowelment and impaling, underage drinking, mature topics, a couple of profanities, several milder oaths, pervasive rough and considerable crude language and occasional crass expressions. The OSV News classification is O — morally offensive. The Motion Picture Association rating is R — restricted. Under 17 requires accompanying parent or adult guardian.

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