Connect with us

Lifestyle

Long before Dr. Becky, this L.A. woman changed parenting for good

Published

on

Long before Dr. Becky, this L.A. woman changed parenting for good

USC professor Andrew Ogilvie was standing outside Canyon Coffee in Echo Park last May, his youngest daughter dangling from his chest in a baby carrier, when a gray-haired woman with a New Zealand accent approached him, placing a gentle hand on the baby’s back.

“When she’s having a tough time two years from now, remember this warmth,” she said, smiling.

Ogilvie, who had seen the woman’s photo on missives from the local elementary school, smiled back, honored to be in the presence of an L.A. legend. “Oh, Ruth,” he said. “You don’t know who I am, but I know who you are.”

Like thousands of L.A. parents before him, Ogilivie had just had his first lesson with parent educator and child rights activist Ruth Beaglehole, who devoted her life to countering “childism” — the misuse of power over children — and taught generations of Angelenos to parent their children with empathy and kindness rather than spanking, threats and manipulation.

What Ruth brought was really a paradigm shift in terms of how we thought about parenting.

— Patricia Lakatos, who studied with Ruth Beaglehole

Advertisement

For more than 50 years, Beaglehole, who died April 21 at the age of 81, was a tireless advocate of what she called parenting with nonviolence, disseminating her philosophy in celebrity living rooms, domestic violence centers, schools, jails, social service agencies and occasional one-on-ones with strangers outside coffee shops.

Though she never was an author of a bestselling parenting book like Dr. Benjamin Spock or became a social media influencer like Dr. Becky Kennedy, Beaglehole’s many colleagues and mentees say her teachings rippled across L.A. and the world, helping families break longstanding cycles of violence and oppression toward children.

“What Ruth brought was really a paradigm shift in terms of how we thought about parenting,” said Patricia Lakatos, lead trainer for child-parent psychotherapy at Children’s Hospital Los Angeles who studied with Beaglehole. “It was not about learning techniques to help get your children to behave, but really about thinking of children as human beings who in their own right need to be heard.”

Advertisement

Beaglehole moved from her childhood home in New Zealand to the United States in the late 1960s, eventually settling in Echo Park, where she became part of a community of social justice activists. Over the decades she founded several L.A. institutions including the cooperative daycare Echo Park Silverlake People’s Child Care Center that was immortalized in the Emmy-winning short documentary “Power to the Playgroup” and the Teen and Parent Child Care Program at the Los Angeles Technology Center.

In 1999 she opened the Center for Nonviolent Education and Parenting, where she and her staff, many recruited from the teen group, taught weekly parenting classes in Spanish and English and gave parenting workshops throughout Southern California.

“What Ruth figured out is that whether you’re in a teen program or you’re a more affluent parent who has more access or resources, the reality is that the things parents face cross culture and wealth,” said Glenda Linares, who worked as a parent educator at the center for 13 years after meeting Beaglehole as a young mother, age 15, in 1998. “Parenting is hard.”

A broad cross section of Angelenos attended Beaglehole’s classes, but she was able to create a sense of community and common ground, said Rabbi Susan Goldberg, Beaglehole’s daughter and founder of the eastside Jewish community Nefesh.

“There was this feeling that we are all dealing with the same things and acting the same ways,” Goldberg said. “It was very humbling, and also there was a sense that we were all in this together. We’re all trying.”

Advertisement

Beaglehole also taught overseas, doing workshops in the Congo, Japan, India and a comprehensive multiyear project with the Māori community in Aotearoa, (the Māori name for New Zealand). She also continued to hold classes at Elysian Heights Elementary Arts Magnet, Nefesh and the Center for Pacific Asian Family, preaching the gospel of child-centric, empathetic parenting up until the moment of her death.

In addition to Goldberg, she is survived by her children David Goldberg and Maxie Goldberg, children-in-law Karla Alvarado Goldberg, Brian Joseph and Munira Virji, and eight grandchildren. She remained connected over many years to the father of her children, Art Goldberg, and his wife, Susan Philips.

Beaglehole often started her classes with an open-ended question: “So, tell me what’s going on.” One by one, the parents arranged in a circle would share their struggles, frustrations and occasionally their wins to remain empathetic to their kids in the midst of difficult circumstances.

The situations didn’t need to be dramatic to be significant. Someone might talk about the challenge of getting a kid to brush their teeth in the morning, another might mention the endless battles at bedtime, a third the humiliation of a meltdown in the grocery store. Gently but firmly, Beaglehole would encourage them to consider what their child was trying to communicate, what the behavior was stirring up inside the parent and how to approach the situation with more kindness, empathy and respect.

“She always said that all behaviors are an attempt to get our needs met,” said Mel McGraw, who was in Beaglehole’s recent parenting group at Elysian Heights Elementary Arts Magnet. “And in the midst of being triggered, can you remember that this isn’t my child misbehaving, they are struggling with something. And my job as a parent is to help them, and support them, and identify it. And if I can’t identify it, to love them through it.”

Advertisement

Beaglehole didn’t provide straightforward, Instagram-friendly solutions. “I don’t have an easy one, two, three,” she said in a 2022 YouTube video. “It’s a commitment. It’s an intention that we need to set every day.”

McGraw remembers turning to this philosophy after a particularly difficult morning with her kid a few years ago. Her wife was out of town, work deadlines were piling up and there was her daughter, lying on her back in the hallway, screaming that she didn’t want to go to school. McGraw lost her temper and found herself yelling at her daughter and frightening her. They drove to school in silence, tears streaming down both their faces.

After the dropoff, McGraw imagined how Beaglehole would frame the situation. She thought about how her child was probably missing her wife. She remembered that her daughter was having trouble with a friend at school who was being mean to her. And she thought about the pressures she herself was under too, parenting alone for several weeks with little time for work or rest. The blowup was a result of both of them failing to get their needs met, and yet, only one of them was an adult. As the day wore on, she couldn’t wait to pick up her daughter from school to tell her she was sorry for yelling and to repair the relationship.

“It’s those microcosm moments,” McGraw said. “And the kernel of Ruth’s work was that as much as we’re doing it for our kids, we’re also doing it to reparent ourselves.”

Beaglehole’s many students say her work is poised to continue. Her book “Principles and Practices of Parenting With Nonviolence: A Compassionate Guide to Caring for Younger Human Beings” will soon be available on her website, free of charge. Videos on YouTube articulate her philosophy and detail her strategies. The more than 300 parent educators whom she trained now work as therapists, educators, community organizers, social workers and in other fields. And then there are parents who sat in her classes over the years modeling her teachings for their own children. They number in the thousands.

Advertisement

A few years ago Linares created a curriculum based on Beaglehole’s parenting philosophy for migrant parents living in a temporary shelter in Tijuana. When officials at UNICEF saw that work, they asked her to design a similar curriculum for a mobile school bus that could bring Beaglehole’s teachings on parenting to other shelters in the region.

“I was taking the learning I did when I was 19 and thinking, how do I bring this approach to parents who are in extremely difficult circumstances?” said Linares. “They might not know if they are going to cross the border tomorrow, but they do have some agency around the relationship they get to have with their child.”

It’s what Beaglehole taught her whole life: Parenting is always difficult, and it is always — always — worth the effort to do it well.

Advertisement

Lifestyle

The real ping pong champion — and hustler — who inspired ‘Marty Supreme’

Published

on

The real ping pong champion — and hustler — who inspired ‘Marty Supreme’

Marty Reisman practicing in New York in 1951.

Ed Ford/AP


hide caption

toggle caption

Advertisement

Ed Ford/AP

In the 1940s and ’50s, New York City table tennis was a gritty subculture full of misfits, gamblers, doctors, actors, students and more. They competed, bet on the game or both at all-night spots like Lawrence’s, a table tennis parlor in midtown Manhattan. A talented player could rake in hundreds in cash in one night. In this world, a handsome, bespectacled Jewish teenager named Marty Reisman was a star.

His game was electric. “Marty had a trigger in his thumb. He hit bullets. You could lose your eyebrows playing with him,” someone identified only as “the shirt king” told author Jerome Charyn for his book Sizzling Chops and Devilish Spins: Ping-Pong and the Art of Staying Alive.

The new movie Marty Supreme recreates this world. Timothée Chalamet’s character, table tennis whiz Marty Mauser, is loosely inspired by Reisman.

Advertisement

Nicknamed “The Needle” for his slender physique, Reisman represented the U.S. in tournaments around the world and won more than 20 major titles, including the 1949 English Open and two U.S. Opens.

Like Chalamet’s Marty Mauser, Reisman was obsessed with the game. In his 1974 memoir The Money Player: The Confessions of America’s Greatest Table Tennis Champion and Hustler, Reisman wrote that he was drawn to table tennis because it “involved anatomy and chemistry and physics.”

One of the game’s “bad boys”

Reisman was a daring, relentless showman, always dressed to the nines in elegant suits and hats. “His personality made him legendary,” said Khaleel Asgarali, a professional player who owns Washington, D.C. Table Tennis. Asgarali would often see Reisman at tournaments. “The way he carried himself, his charisma, his flair, the clothing, the style … Marty was a sharp dresser, man.”

He was also one of the game’s “bad boys,” just like the fictional Marty Mauser. In 1949 at the English Open, he and fellow American star Dick Miles moved from their modest London hotel into one that was much fancier. They ran up a tab on room service, dry cleaning and the like and then charged it all to the English Table Tennis Association. When the English officials refused to cover their costs, the players said they wouldn’t show up for exhibition matches they knew were already sold out. The officials capitulated — but later fined the players $200 and suspended them “indefinitely from sanctioned table tennis” worldwide for breaking the sport’s “courtesy code.”

Marty Reisman demonstrates an under-the-leg trick shot in 1955.

Marty Reisman demonstrates an under-the-leg trick shot in 1955.

Jacobsen/Getty Images/Hulton Archive

Advertisement


hide caption

toggle caption

Jacobsen/Getty Images/Hulton Archive

Advertisement

Ping pong offered quick cash — and an outlet 

Reisman grew up on Manhattan’s Lower East Side. His dad was a taxi driver and serious gambler. “It was feast or famine at our house, usually famine,” Reisman wrote. His parents split when he was 10. His mother, who had emigrated from the Soviet Union, worked as a waitress and then in a garment factory. When he was 14, Marty went to live with his father at the Broadway Central Hotel.

Hustling was “just baked into his DNA,” said Leo Leigh, director of a documentary about Reisman called Fact or Fiction: The Life and Times of a Ping Pong Hustler.

“I remember [Reisman] telling me that when he wanted to eat, he would wait until there was a wedding in the hotel, put on his best suit and just slip in and just sit and eat these massive, amazing meals,” said Leigh, “And then he’d be ready for the night to go and hustle table tennis.”

Reisman suffered panic attacks as early as nine years old. Playing ping pong helped with his anxiety. “The game so engrossed me, so filled my days, that I did not have time to worry,” he wrote.

“Finding this game of table tennis — and finding that he had this amazing ability — became almost like an escape, a meditation,” said Leigh.

Advertisement
Marty Reisman shows a behind-the-back trick shot in 1955.

Marty Reisman shows a behind-the-back trick shot in 1955.

Jacobsen/Getty Images/Hulton Archive


hide caption

toggle caption

Jacobsen/Getty Images/Hulton Archive

Advertisement

“Einstein, Hemingway, and Louis wrapped into one”

Reisman wanted to be the best ping pong player in the world. “To be an Einstein in your field, or a Hemingway, or a Joe Louis — there could be nothing, I imagined, more noble,” Reisman wrote. “And table tennis champions were to me Einstein, Hemingway, and Louis wrapped into one.”

The game was respected throughout Europe and Asia, turning ping pong stars into big names: In Marty Supreme, one who was imprisoned at Auschwitz tells the story of being spared by Nazi guards who recognize him. (Reisman’s memoir tells a similar true story of the Polish table tennis champion Alojzy “Alex” Ehrlich.)

But in the U.S., ping pong was considered a pastime people played in their basements. New York City was an exception: “Large sums of money were bet on a sport that had no standing at all in this country,” wrote Reisman.

Reisman dazzled spectators with his flair on the table.

Advertisement

“If you look at footage of Marty in the ’50s and ’60s, you could almost compare it to the footage of Houdini,” said Leigh. “He would blow the ball into the air and then he would, you know, knock it under his leg or just do some acrobats. It was almost like putting on a show.”

One of his gimmick shots was breaking a cigarette in two with a slam.

YouTube

Advertisement
Marty Reisman after winning the final men's singles game at the English Open in 19

Marty Reisman after winning the final men’s singles game at the English Open in 1949.

AP


hide caption

toggle caption

AP

Advertisement

Chasing a dream “that no one respected”

Marty Supreme co-writer and director Josh Safdie grew up playing ping pong with his dad in New York City. “I had ADHD and found it to be quite helpful,” he told NPR. “It’s a sport that requires an intense amount of focus and an intense amount of precision.” Safdie said his great uncle played at Lawrence’s and used to tell him about the different characters he met there, including Reisman’s friend and competitor Dick Miles.

It was Safdie’s wife who found Reisman’s book in a thrift store and gave it to him. When he read it, Safdie was finishing a dream project that was years in the making, the 2019 movie Uncut Gems starring Adam Sandler. “Every step of the way, there was either a hurdle or a stop gap or a laugh in my face,” said Safdie, “And very few believers in that project.”

Safdie likened the experience to Reisman’s obsession with becoming a table tennis champion “who believed in this thing and had a dream that no one respected.”

Advertisement

YouTube

A new racket changes the game

In 1952, Japanese player Hiroji Satoh stunned the table tennis world by winning the Men’s Singles at the World Championships playing with a new type of racket that had thick foam rubber. Unlike the traditional hardbat, the sponge rubber silenced the pock of the ball hitting the racket. Reisman wrote that the new surface caused the ball “to take eerie flights … Sometimes it floated like a knuckleball, a dead ball with no spin whatsoever. On other occasions the spin was overpowering.”

“Marty really liked the sound of the old hardbat,said Asgarali, “When the sponge racquet came out, Marty wasn’t competitive anymore. He totally fell out of the game.”

Leigh said Reisman would tell just about anyone who would listen how Hiroji Satoh destroyed his game.

Advertisement

He was “constantly analyzing and reanalyzing his personality, who he is, where he’s going,” said Leigh. He would “sit with all these academics and these writers and these almost philosophers and just talk for hours” about how the rubber bat “completely” ruined his game. “He was always searching for something.”

In 1958, Reisman bought the Riverside Table Tennis Club on Manhattan’s Upper West Side, a popular spot frequented by celebrities including Matthew Broderick and Dustin Hoffman. In 1997, at age 67, he won the United States Hardbat Championship.

Marty Reisman died in 2012 at age 82. A The New York Times profile of him less than a year prior started with the headline, “A Throwback Player, With a Wardrobe to Match.”

Continue Reading

Lifestyle

Beloved Dog Influencer Raffie Dies Suddenly on Christmas Eve

Published

on

Beloved Dog Influencer Raffie Dies Suddenly on Christmas Eve

Beloved Dog Influencer Raffie
Dead from Heart Attack …

Published

Advertisement
Continue Reading

Lifestyle

Timothée Chalamet, a Neil Diamond tribute band and more in theaters for Christmas

Published

on

Timothée Chalamet, a Neil Diamond tribute band and more in theaters for Christmas

Timothée Chalamet in Marty Supreme.

A24


hide caption

toggle caption

Advertisement

A24

A ping pong hustler for the ages, a Neil Diamond interpreter for the ’80s, choral music both comic and spiritual, plus tormented teens, twisted families, and a giant snake on the loose. It’s quite the jolly holiday at your local cineplex.

They join a new Avatar sequel, a Bradley Cooper-directed drama, and more in theaters.

Marty Supreme

In theaters Thursday

Advertisement

YouTube

I feel as if I should tell you to speed-read this review, preferably with Fats Domino’s “The Fat Man” blaring in your ear. Josh Safdie’s adrenaline-fueled, screwball comedy about a table tennis hustler who dreams of world domination — in a sport that hasn’t registered yet with the American public — is a mesmerizing cinematic tour de force. Timothée Chalamet plays Marty Mauser (loosely based on real-life 1940s and ’50s U.S. ping pong champ and petty criminal Marty Reisman), graduating from determined kid-with-a-passion to aggrieved also-ran-in-full-melt-down mode, attracting and then alienating everyone he comes across. We meet him as a New York shoe salesman having storeroom trysts with his married childhood sweetheart (Odessa A’zion) and prepping for a bout in England for which he can’t even afford plane fare.

Marty establishes with a series of heists and scams that he’s got no problem cheating or stealing to get there, then regales the press with a pugnacious racist routine that lands him on front pages before his first serve. Chalamet’s live-wire approach is neatly countered by a serenely sensual turn by Gwyneth Paltrow as an aging movie star who finds Marty amusing and alarming in about equal measure. And the film’s just getting started at that point, careening towards a championship in Japan with the propulsive, harrowing, rush-to-judgment feel of Safdie’s Uncut Gems mixed up with dizzying comedy. It’s a thrill ride, pure and simple. — Bob Mondello

Advertisement

Song Sung Blue

In theaters Thursday

YouTube

Mike and Claire Sardina, the real-life, blue-collar Milwaukee couple who formed a Neil Diamond tribute act in the 1980s, get the sequin-and-spangle treatment in this Hugh Jackman and Kate Hudson love-fest. Writer and director Craig Brewer keeps the music central and the sentiment tolerable as the couple meets cute, bonds quick, and forms a musical act known professionally as Lightning and Thunder. The stars are well-matched and appealing — Hudson does a winning Patsy Cline impersonation, and Jackman completely nails Neil Diamond’s sound and bearing. The couple’s story, which has more downs than ups, doesn’t quite match the mood of a movie determined to be ever-and-always-up. Still, the stars are engaging, the supporting cast great fun, and the music rousing. — Bob Mondello

Advertisement

Anaconda

In theaters Thursday

YouTube

Advertisement

The original Anaconda movie came out almost 30 years ago, sending an assortment of ’90s movie stars down the Amazon, where they were menaced and occasionally crushed and/or devoured by giant deadly snakes. That film, starring Jennifer Lopez and Ice Cube, was a hit that spawned a handful of lightly regarded sequels.

Heavy on meta references to the original film, the new Anaconda is not quite a reboot, it’s not quite a sequel, and it’s played for laughs. Jack Black and Paul Rudd star as lifelong friends who grew up wanting to be filmmakers. But they’ve followed different career paths — Paul Rudd’s character is a struggling actor whose biggest role was a bit part on the TV show S.W.A.T., while Jack Black’s character makes wedding videos while yearning to shoot something more creative. They gather their old friends and collaborators — played by Thandiwe Newton and Steve Zahn — and head to the Amazon to shoot a meta reimagining of Anaconda. As you can imagine, this proves harder than it sounds. — Stephen Thompson

The Plague

In limited theaters Wednesday

Advertisement

YouTube

The first image is an eerie, underwater shot — sun-dappled blues, greens, and greys — its peace suddenly exploded as bodies plunge into the pool. Middle school boys, limbs all akimbo, almost literally at sea, as they struggle for equilibrium. It’s an apt beginning for the story of a youngster trying to figure out where he fits in among the cliques at a summer water polo camp. Ben (Everett Blunck) is the camp newbie, Jake (Kayo Martin) its smirking cool kid who picks up on his fellow campers’ idiosyncrasies and exploits them.

He tells Ben that Eli (Kenny Rasmussen), a withdrawn boy with a rash, has the “plague” and must be avoided. Ben, seeing the obvious pain the outcast is in, can’t square that with his own sense of decency, but also doesn’t want to be ostracized, and his attempt to split the difference leads the film into Lord of the Flies territory. Charlie Polinger’s directorial debut looks breathtaking, feels unnerving, and traffics cleverly in body-horror tropes as it basically establishes that 12-year-old boys are savages who should never be without adult supervision. — Bob Mondello

Father Mother Sister Brother

In limited theaters Wednesday

Advertisement

YouTube

You might expect Jim Jarmusch to look at family relationships with a certain eccentricity, but not necessarily in the elegantly framed way he does in this triptych about adult children and the parents they don’t begin to understand. The Father segment casts Adam Driver and Mayim Bialik as siblings who are stiff with each other, and even less comfortable with their garrulous con man of a dad (Tom Waits). Driver’s come with provisions and cash, Bialik’s come armed with an arched eyebrow, and Waits is ready for them both.

The second part, Mother, finds a sublimely chilly Charlotte Rampling hosting an awkward once-a-year tea for her daughters, one primly nervous (Cate Blanchett), the other pink-haired and boisterous (Vicky Krieps). And the final third, Sister Brother, finds Indya Moore and Luka Sabbat bonding in their recently deceased parents’ now-empty Paris apartment. This segment seems less about estrangement, until you realize how little they actually know about their dear departed folks. There are running jokes about Rolexes, the expression “Bob’s your uncle,” and toasts to tie things together, along with a sweet, reflective tone that makes this one of the year’s most compassionate films. — Bob Mondello

The Choral

In limited theaters Thursday

Advertisement

YouTube

Director Nicholas Hytner and screenwriter Alan Bennett, who previously teamed up on The Madness of King George, The History Boys, and The Lady in the Van, are plumbing shallower depths in this gentle dramedy about an amateur chorus in 1916. When their choirmaster leaves to fight in World War I, grieving mill owner Roger Allam, who funds the chorus, reluctantly hires Dr. Guthrie (Ralph Fiennes), a gifted choirmaster but a divisive choice in this intensely nationalistic moment — because he’s spent the last few years in Germany. He also exhibits “peculiarities” (code for being gay) but this seems less important to the locals.

Fiennes is briskly dismissive of local traditions, snippy about English appreciation for the arts, and celebrated enough in music circles to persuade composer Edward Elgar (Simon Russell Beale) to let them perform his oratorio “The Dream of Gerontius.” Elgar is less thrilled when he discovers the chorus is turning the oratorio into a story about the war, casting its elderly hero as a young soldier and generally making it what later generations would call “relevant.” It’s all sweet and sentimental, and though it’s being released during awards seasons, feels as if it really wants to be considered for best picture of 1933. — Bob Mondello

Advertisement

No Other Choice

In select theaters Thursday

YouTube

“I’ve got it all,” says paper factory supervisor Man-su as he hugs his family at a barbecue in the backyard of his elegant Korean home. He’s grilling some eels given to him by the paper company’s new American owners, secure in the knowledge that this must mean they value him. This being a social satire by director Park Chan-wook, it’s reasonable to expect he will shortly be dealt a blow, and one day later, he’s been axed. (The film is based on Donald E. Westlake’s 1997 horror-thriller novel The Ax). He’s distraught but can’t express, or even really understand, that he feels he has lost his manhood, his mojo, and his reason for being.

Advertisement

On top of that, his industry is consolidating, so finding another job before his severance pay runs out and he loses his house (his childhood home) will be tricky. Asked if he’d consider a job outside the paper industry, Man-su (Lee Byung-hun) says that for him there is “no other choice,” echoing the words his American bosses uttered about bringing down costs as they did layoffs. But with the end of severance payments looming, he hatches a plan to knock off his job market competition one by one. Isn’t this mass murder? Well, he has “no other choice.”

At first it seems as if we’re in serial-killer comedy territory, but the filmmaker widens the frame to include narrative side trips — a stepson who’s stealing cellphones, a daughter who’s a cello prodigy, a wife who’s working for a dentist that Man-su suspects has designs on her. Oh, and pig-farm trauma from his youth, and a passion for greenhouse gardening. Director Park has a lot going on, and a final paper-plant-mechanization sequence suggests that all these stabs at human agency may just have been humanity’s last gasp. — Bob Mondello

The Testament of Ann Lee

In limited theaters Thursday

Advertisement

YouTube

Ambitious, stylized, intense, and thoroughly unorthodox, Mona Fastvold’s religious biopic tells the story of Shakers founder Ann Lee (a wild-eyed, fiercely committed Amanda Seyfried) as a full-scale musical drama. That’s not to say there are finger-snapping tunes. The score adapts 18th century Shaker spirituals, and the choreography involves the thrusting limbs and clawing fingers of the seizure-like dancing that earned this puritan sect of “Shaking” Quakers their nickname.

We meet Ann as a pious youngster more interested in spiritual matters than matters of the flesh. Marriage to a man who enjoys inflicting pain during sex, and the deaths of her four children in infancy lead Ann to the conclusion that lifelong celibacy is among the keys to salvation. With the help of her younger brother (Lewis Pullman), she finds adherents to a religious philosophy that also emphasizes gender equality and simple living, and leads them to found a utopian, crafts-based community in America. Director Fastvold and her co-writer Brady Corbet (the couple flipped roles from last year’s The Brutalist) serve up Ann’s spiritual journey in ecstatically musical terms, which is at once distancing and … well, ecstatic, though it pales a bit over the course of two-and-a-quarter hours. — Bob Mondello 

Continue Reading

Trending