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L.A. Affairs: He said I was smarter and funnier than his ex. So why was he conflicted?

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L.A. Affairs: He said I was smarter and funnier than his ex. So why was he conflicted?

Jay and I matched on Hinge the night I was going to delete my account. His profile painted a picture of intellect and being well-traveled, active and fun. His messages were witty, and he knew how to keep the conversation going. I was more invested in getting to sleep, so I eventually replied with a question and logged off.

When I didn’t hear from him the next day, I deleted my account as planned, disappearing from our conversation. Days later, I received a connection request and message from Jay on LinkedIn. He was traveling for work, and when he went back on Hinge, he thought he had accidentally deleted our match and panicked. He was relieved to see that a search for my name and occupation led to my profile on LinkedIn.

I could have been creeped out, but instead it felt like old-school dating, when you’re in a room full of people and you see that one person you want to talk to. He looked for me, and I felt chosen.

On LinkedIn, we had mutual work connections, we were both in leadership and our careers intersected. I worked in animated films, and he worked in toys, producing children’s toys for characters in films I have worked on. “Given the intersection of our careers, shouldn’t we at least meet?” Jay asked.

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We met at Brand Library & Art Center in Glendale. Within the first few minutes, I made a quirky remark about the library’s collection of music CDs that made him snort-laugh. As I was thinking, Did he just snort?, he said, “Great, I snorted. So much for first impressions.” The ice was broken.

We went from the library to a nearby bar. I was drawn to his smile and laugh, which were on display often. His sense of humor was in sync with mine, which is a much sought-after connection for me. I liked his quiet confidence. Conversation was natural and easy, not one-sided. We ended the evening with a hug and a “Let’s do it again.”

Our next date was playing pickleball immediately followed by dinner at the French bistro Entre Vous in Pasadena. I loved that we went from the court to the restaurant with zero expectation of having to change from our athletic wear. This man was winning points for not expecting me to get fancy for dinner.

A turning point for us was a date that started at Echo Park Lake. We rented a swan paddleboat on a picturesque day when we could see the downtown L.A. skyline with great clarity in the distance, with the water and fellow swan boats in the foreground. I felt completely myself without the self-consciousness that sometimes comes with those first few dates. After paddling, we took a leisurely stroll around the lake, twice. Our conversation got deep: previous trauma, relationships, vulnerabilities, outlook in life.

We talked about our last relationships. He was in a long-distance relationship for two years with a woman who lived in another state. She helped bring him out of a deep depression following his divorce. They talked of building a future together, she met his kids, she planned to relocate and move in with him. After a great first year, things fizzled. She became inconsistent in how she showed up to the relationship, and he ended it.

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I asked if he still had feelings for her. “She is dead to me,” he said bluntly. This seemed harsher than his usual persona, so I clearly hit a nerve. But it was reassuring.

I talked about my regrettable three-year relationship with a man who was a prolific liar when it came to other women and was completely devoid of emotional support when it mattered most. Jay listened intently as I shared my journey of understanding why I stayed with a man who came into the relationship waving red flags.

During that walk with Jay, I felt more seen, heard and supported than I had in the entire relationship with my ex-boyfriend. After shaking off the seriousness of our conversation, we drove to Barnsdall Art Park for a picnic. “Rise” by Herb Alpert came on in the car. Jay turned up the volume and rolled down the windows, and we cruised up to the park like teenage sweethearts pulling into high school. The song became the first in our soundtrack. “Suddenly” by Billy Ocean would later join it as the song we slow-danced to in Jay’s kitchen while both chuckling at how ridiculously corny the scene was and wondering if anyone in the hills of Highland Park could see us.

It was an exciting two months. We could talk shop. He valued my work experience and expertise, turning to me when he had what he called WWBD (What Would Bernie Do) moments. I exposed him to new hikes. He taught me how to cook Mediterranean dishes. We saw live music and we laughed a lot. I even thought he was cute when he arrived for one of our hikes looking like a beekeeper with his wide-brimmed safari hat. He jokingly wondered how I’d allow myself to be seen with him looking like that, which made me like him even more.

Everything was great until his ex-girlfriend was resurrected from the ashes of “She is dead to me” with one phone call to Jay. She professed her love for him and owned up to the ills of her ways. He ended that call by telling her that he needed time to process their conversation.

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To his credit, Jay told me about the call, and his resulting conflicted feelings. He said that by all accounts, he and I were more compatible and that I am smarter, funnier and in a better place in my career than his ex. But he valued the memories he had of their relationship, especially at its high point. I respected Jay for his honesty and transparency, but I was blindsided.

While teetering on the line between being supportive and standing my ground, I shared my thoughts simply: “I’m not going to pitch myself to you. This isn’t ‘The Bachelor.’ I don’t compete. I’m either the first choice or I’m not.” He asked for a night to think things through. While I already considered that to be a choice against what we had, I agreed.

Ultimately he chose his known history with his ex over the potential we had. I was heartbroken. It felt like I was unexpectedly hurled out of a roller coaster going full speed. It was tough to hear, but I understood.

I don’t know how the conversation with his ex went or if he eventually got on a plane for an in-person conversation or if they gave their relationship another go. It doesn’t matter.

Being with Jay showed me a partnership rooted in intellectual and emotional connection, belly laughs and honesty. Even if we had continued dating, it was too early to tell where things could have gone. All I know with utmost certainty is that I want the same deep connection we had, but with a man who will always choose me.

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The author has been a Valley girl her entire adult life. In addition to having a day job, she is a freelance writer and creative director. She shares local outdoor inspiration on the Instagram account @h5tolife.

L.A. Affairs chronicles the search for romantic love in all its glorious expressions in the L.A. area, and we want to hear your true story. We pay $400 for a published essay. Email LAAffairs@latimes.com. You can find submission guidelines here. You can find past columns here.

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‘Hamnet’ star Jessie Buckley looks for the ‘shadowy bits’ of her characters

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‘Hamnet’ star Jessie Buckley looks for the ‘shadowy bits’ of her characters

Jessie Buckley has been nominated for an Academy Award for best actress for her portrayal of William Shakespeare’s wife in Hamnet.

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Kate Green/Getty Images

Actor Jessie Buckley says she’s always been drawn to the “shadowy bits” of her characters — aspects that are disobedient, or “too much.” Perhaps that’s what led her to play Agnes, the wife of William Shakespeare, in Hamnet.

Buckley says the film, which is based on Maggie O’Farrell’s 2020 novel, offered a chance to counter a common narrative about the playwright’s wife: that she “had kept him back from his genius,” Buckley says.

But, she adds, “What Maggie O’Farrell so brilliantly did, not just with Agnes and Shakespeare’s wife, but also with Hamnet, their son, was to bring these people … and give them status beside this great man. … [And] give the full landscape of what it is to be a woman.”

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The film is nominated for eight Academy Awards, including best actress for Buckley. In it, she plays a woman deeply connected to nature, who faces conflicts in her marriage, as well as the death of their son Hamnet.

Buckley found out she was pregnant a week after the film wrapped. She’s since given birth to her first child, a daughter.

“The thing that this story offered me, that brought me into this next chapter of my life as a mother was tenderness,” she says. “A mother’s tenderness is ferocious. To love, to birth is no joke. To be born is no joke. And the minute something’s born into the world, you’re always in the precipice of life and death. That’s our path. … I wanted to be a mother so much that that overrode the thought of being afraid of it.”

Jessie Buckley stars as Agnes and Joe Alwyn plays her brother Bartholomew in Hamnet.

Jessie Buckley stars as Agnes and Joe Alwyn plays her brother Bartholomew in Hamnet.

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Interview highlights

On filming the scene where she howls in grief when her son dies

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I didn’t know that that was going to happen or come out, it wasn’t in the script. I think really [director] Chloé [Zhao] asked all of us to dare to be as present as possible. Of course, leading up to it, you’re aware this scene is coming, but that scene doesn’t stand on its own. By the time I’d met that scene, I had developed such a deep bond with Jacobi Jupe, who plays Hamnet, and [co-stars] Paul [Mescal] and Emily Watson, and all the children and we really were a family. And Jacobi Jupe who plays Hamnet is such an incredible little actor and an incredible soul, and we really were a team. …

The death of a child is unfathomable. I don’t know where it begins and ends. Out of utter respect, I tried to touch an imaginary truth of it in our story as best I could, but there’s no way to define that kind of grief. I’m sure it’s different for so many people. And in that moment, all I had was my imagination but also this relationship that was right in front of me with this little boy and that’s what came out of that.

On what inspired her to pursue singing growing up

I grew up around a lot of music. My mom is a harpist and a singer and my dad has always been passionate about music, so it was always something in our house and always something that was encouraged. … Early on, I have very strong memories of seeing and hearing my mom sing in church and this quite intense mercurial conversation that would happen between her, the story and the people that would listen to her. And at the end of it, something had been cracked between them and these strangers would come up with tears in their eyes. And I guess I saw the power of storytelling through my mom’s singing at a very young age, and that was definitely something that made me think I want to do that.

On her first big break performing as a teen on the BBC singing competition I’d Do Anything — and being criticized by judges about her physical appearance

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I was raw. I hadn’t trained. I had a lot to learn and to grow in. I was only 17. I think there was part of their criticism which I think was destructive and unfair when it became about my awkwardness, or they would say I was masculine and send me to kind of a femininity school. … They sent me to [the musical production of] Chicago to put heels on and a leotard and learn how to walk in high heels, which was pretty humiliating, to be honest, and I’m sad about that because I think I was discovering myself as a young woman in the world and wasn’t fully formed. … I was different. I was wild, I had a lot of feeling inside me. I could hardly keep my hands beside myself and I think to kind of criticize a body of a young woman at that time and to make her feel conscious of that was lazy and, I think, boring.

On filming parts of the 2026 film The Bride! while pregnant

I really loved working when I was pregnant. I thought it was a pretty wild experience, especially because I was playing Mary Shelley and I was talking about [this] monstrosity, and here I was with two heartbeats inside me. Becoming a mom and being pregnant did something, I think, for me. My experience of it, it’s so real that it really focuses [me to be] allergic to fake or to disconnection.

Since my daughter has come and I know what that connection is and the real feeling of being in a relationship with somebody … as an actress, it’s very exciting to recognize that in yourself and really take ownership of yourself.

I’m excited to go back and work on this other side of becoming a mother in so many ways, because I’ve shed 10 layers of skin by loving more and experiencing life in such a new way with my daughter. I’m also scared to work again because it’s hard to be a mother and to work. That’s like a constant tug because I love what I do and I’m passionate and I want to continue to grow and learn and fill those spaces that are yet to be filled — and also be a mother. And I think every mother can recognize that tug.

On the possibility of bringing her daughter to travel with her as she works

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I haven’t filmed for nearly a year and I cannot wait. I’m hungry to create again. And my daughter will come with me. She’s seven months, so at the moment she can travel with us and it’s a beautiful life. And she meets all these amazing people and I have a feeling that she loves life and that’s a great thing to see in a child. And I hope that’s something that I’ve imparted to her in the short time that she’s been on this earth is that life is beautiful and great and complex and alive and there’s no part of you that needs to be less in your life. You might have to work it out, but it’s worth it.

Lauren Krenzel and Susan Nyakundi produced and edited this interview for broadcast. Bridget Bentz, Molly Seavy-Nesper and Beth Novey adapted it for the web.

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‘Evil Dead’ Star Bruce Campbell Reveals He Has Cancer

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‘Evil Dead’ Star Bruce Campbell Reveals He Has Cancer

Bruce Campbell
I’m Battling Cancer

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‘Scream 7’ takes a weak stab at continuing the franchise : Pop Culture Happy Hour

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‘Scream 7’ takes a weak stab at continuing the franchise : Pop Culture Happy Hour

Neve Campbell in Scream 7.

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The OG Scream Queen Neve Campbell returns. Scream 7 re-centers the franchise back on Sidney Prescott. She has a new life, a family, and lots of baggage. You know the drill: Someone dressing up as the masked slasher Ghostface comes for her, her family and friends. There’s lots of stabbing and murder and so many red herrings it’s practically a smorgasbord.

Follow Pop Culture Happy Hour on Letterboxd at letterboxd.com/nprpopculture

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