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How to accept being 'a fat person' and quiet your inner critic

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How to accept being 'a fat person' and quiet your inner critic

As an only child who moved around a lot, Emma Specter learned to comfort herself, as a lot of kids do, with familiar foods — whether it was the Dunkin Donuts she sought out in Rome or the candy bars she stock-piled from Manhattan bodegas. By the time she entered high school, she’d begun using food as more than just a source of soothing, but as a kind of numbing agent she’d administer in secret. Mindlessly eating cookie dough to the point of physical discomfort, she discovered, could help ease the pain of life’s most unpleasant moments — that is, until the shame set in, followed by an urge to count calories.

Shelf Help is a new wellness column where we interview researchers, thinkers and writers about their latest books — all with the aim of learning how to live a more complete life.

Specter eventually came to identify this behavior as bingeing, an eating disorder she describes viscerally in her memoir, “More Pease: On Food, Fat, Bingeing, Longing, and the Lust for ‘Enough’” (HarperCollins). Bingeing can look different for different people, but for Specter, it involves “shoving food furtively into my mouth as quickly and passively” as possible, she writes. Her debut book, which pairs a deeply personal (and often humorous) narrative with academic research and journalistic inquiry, explores the origins of her disordered eating while also searching for a motive: “Why do I do this?” Specter said in an interview.

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The Los Angeles-based Vogue culture writer is still trying to answer that question. In addition to lots of therapy and introspective writing, her process so far has been to interview writers, scholars and fat activists about diet culture and its societal underpinnings.

The Times spoke to Specter about how she realized she had an eating disorder, why she decided to ditch dieting and what happened when she began to reframe her thinking about her body.

This interview has been edited and condensed for clarity.

In your book, you describe how any sort of event in your life — no matter how big or small — could trigger a binge. What did this pattern look like for you and how did you recognize that it was part of a disorder?

I definitely was and still am more likely to binge on a bad day than a good one, but sometimes something very minor would go wrong and I would react by bingeing. When I’m in a bad mood or bored or lonely or tired, it’s hard for me to self-regulate without food. I think a lot of us use food for comfort and that doesn’t have to look like a disordered attachment. But for me, it was very much about shutting out the world with food.

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I think that’s the tricky thing, too, is that obviously everyone eats food for survival, for comfort, for all of these things. Was there a moment where you recognized, ‘Oh, what I’m doing is maybe a little bit destructive,’ if that’s how you see it?

Absolutely, that is how I see it. When I was in my early to mid-20s, I started to recognize that something was off. A lot of things that I had desperately wanted came to fruition. I had jobs in media, I had a big group of friends, I came out [as queer], dating was better and more exciting, or at least existent. But I felt like there was this real disconnect where I started bingeing almost more once I had more in my life. I was more fulfilled and happy, but still bingeing and then realizing, ‘What function is this playing for me? And is it an escape when I’m feeling overwhelmed or scared or stressed about the stakes of my new life?’

Right. How do you work toward not relying on food so much as an escape from your feelings?

I’ve found a lot of beauty in communal meal-making and eating together with my partner and their roommates and my friends and just reminding myself that food can absolutely be this huge source of comfort when I’m feeling overwhelmed, and it doesn’t have to go along with solitude and hiding.

When I was in the diet-binge cycle that I was in for so long, I was very concerned about ‘How am I going to have a group dinner with friends and still stick to my Weight Watchers points?’ I’m thrilled to say that I haven’t dieted in a long time, but that lizard brain mentality is still with me sometimes telling me what I should and shouldn’t be eating or enjoying. The more that I can come together with other people around food, the less I feel like it has to be this solitary kind of respite that I only engage in in a disordered way.

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So the journey you describe in the book is twofold: You’re recognizing that you’re bingeing and figuring out what’s behind it and how to manage it, but you’re also learning to abandon diet culture. Do you feel like those two things go hand in hand?

Absolutely. I do think giving up dieting was really crucial to getting to a place where I can just accept myself as a fat person. It was truly one of the most ingrained habits of my life to the point where — I think as so many people, and especially women — do, I still know the caloric value for foods and I’m trying to chase that out of my brain. It doesn’t hurt to know what’s in your food, but I’m trying to chase away the sense of “Oh, my god, this banana has so-and-so calories, I can’t have it.” I think saying goodbye to dieting has really been crucial in just accepting the body that I have now and not the body that I could have if I cut out carbs and worked out for two hours every day.

I was a little disappointed that quitting dieting didn’t fix my bingeing, which maybe should have been obvious to me because bingeing is a very ingrained habit that I’ve been engaging in over the course of my life. But part of me thought that if I’m not dieting anymore then I won’t ever have the urge to overindulge. It can be demoralizing to feel like I’m doing all this work [toward having a positive relationship with food] and still I find myself bingeing, but I think that’s just part of the balance — especially in the place that I’m at in my recovery, which centers very much around harm reduction. I’ve made a tenuous peace with the idea that bingeing is going to be a part of my life.

You write about your bingeing as a form of self-harm, about the way it caused you shame and embarrassment, nausea and indigestion. Could you talk about some of the other ways it affected and still affects your life?

Something I want to highlight is just the amount of money that I spent on binge food. Obviously it was not a ton — an individual binge could be a thing of ice cream, which costs $7, but that stuff adds up — and it’s not my favorite use of money. It’s not my favorite use of how to engage with the world and the economy, especially through the use of food delivery apps. Being dependent on somebody else’s precarious labor to bring you food you don’t even want doesn’t feel great and it isn’t the way that I want to engage with my community.

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I also think for a long time, I felt like my consequences, for lack of a better word, were fatness. I remember at a certain point catching a glimpse of myself in the mirror after I gained weight and thinking, ‘Look what you’ve done to yourself.’ You know, just really unkind self thoughts that I try really hard not to harbor anymore, but they sneak in ‘cause we live in a fat-phobic society. But I do think it has been a really beautiful reframe to just be like, my body is not a negative outcome and it’s not a consequence of anything. It’s just my body and it can do a lot of incredible things.

TAKEAWAYS

from “More, Please”

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Reading your book, it’s obvious that you didn’t arrive at body acceptance overnight, and that it’s still a work-in-progress. Can you talk about what has helped you become kinder to yourself along the way?

I can’t think of something that has had a bigger impact on me than having fat friends. Just being surrounded by fat people who love each other and are loved — which sounds so corny — but I just think it gives me a script every day for my own self-acceptance. I can’t overstate the importance of having fat community in my life, and I really hope that for every fat person.

I know that being fat can be tricky because it can often feel like it’s your rest stop on the road to thinness, but I have felt so deeply that if I want to live in my body happily as it is, I need to surround myself with other people who do that and who accept themselves and who still have difficult moments and who have journeys that I might not necessarily even know about because every single person is going through their own world and journey in their own meat suit.

What advice would you give to someone who wants to start re-evaluating their relationship with food or with their body?

Try not to be alone with it. “It” being your fear and your anxiety over what you’re eating or not eating or what your body looks like or doesn’t look like. Sometimes that means talking to people in your life, but I think people dealing with disordered eating and binge eating in particular can often feel so much shame that it’s really hard to start that conversation. In your Notes app or your Google Docs is as good as any place to start a conversation, even just with yourself while you’re figuring out what another level of help might look like for you.

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I just hope, as corny as this sounds, that you’re as nice to yourself as you can summon the ability to be in the process of finding your version of therapy, or writing about your issues, or talking to your loved ones about what’s going on with you. None of that is possible without this little glimmer of self-compassion, and the self-compassion has to be first.

Three friendly figures underneath leaves making a heart shape.

(Maggie Chiang / For The Times)

Shelf Help is a wellness column where we interview researchers, thinkers and writers about their latest books — all with the aim of learning how to live a more complete life. Want to pitch us? Email alyssa.bereznak@latimes.com.

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‘My role was making movies that mattered,’ says Jodie Foster, as ‘Taxi Driver’ turns 50

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‘My role was making movies that mattered,’ says Jodie Foster, as ‘Taxi Driver’ turns 50

Jodie Foster, shown here in 2025, plays an American Freudian psychoanalyst in Paris in Vie Privée (A Private Life).

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Jodie Foster has been acting since she was 3, starting out in commercials, then appearing in TV shows and films. She still has scars from the time a lion mauled her on the set of a Disney film when she was 9.

“He picked me up by the hip and shook me,” she says. “I had no idea what was happening. … I remember thinking, ‘Oh this must be an earthquake.’”

Luckily, the lion responded promptly when a trainer said, “Drop it.” It was a scary moment, Foster says, but “the good news is I’m fine … and I’m not afraid of lions.”

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“I think there’s a part of me that has been made resilient by what I’ve done for a living and has been able to control my emotions in order to do that in a role,” she says. “When you’re older, those survival skills get in the way, and you have to learn how to ditch them [when] they’re not serving you anymore.”

In 1976, at age 12, Foster starred opposite Robert De Niro and Harvey Keitel in Martin Scorsese’s film Taxi Driver. Foster’s portrayal of a teenage sex worker in the film sparked controversy because of her age, but also led to her first Academy Award nomination. She remains grateful for the experience on the film, which turns 50 this year.

“What luck to have been part of that, our golden age of cinema in the ’70s, some of the greatest movies that America ever made, the greatest filmmakers, auteur films,” she says. “I couldn’t be happier that [my mom] chose these roles for me.”

In the new film Vie Privée (A Private Life), she plays an American Freudian psychoanalyst in Paris. With the exception of a few lines, she speaks French throughout the film.

Interview highlights

On learning to speak French as a child

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My mom, when I was about 9 years old, she had never traveled anywhere in her life and right before then, she took a trip to France and fell in love with it and said, “OK, you’re going to learn French. You are going to go to an immersion school, and someday maybe you’ll be a French actor.” And so they dropped me in where [there] was a school, Le Lycée Francais de Los Angeles, that does everything in French, so it was science and math and history, everything in French. And I cried for about six months and then I spoke fluently and got over it.

On being the family breadwinner at a young age

My mom was very aware that that was unusual, and that would put pressure on me. So she kind of sold it differently. She would say, “Well, you do one job, but then your sister does another job. And we all participate, we’re all doing a job, and this is all part of the family.” And I think that was her way of … making my brothers and sisters not feel like somehow they were beholden to me or to my brother who also was an actor. And not having pressure on me, but also helping her ego a bit, because I think that was hard for her to feel that she was being taken care of by a child. …

There’s two things that can happen as a child actor: One is you develop resilience, and you come up with a plan and a way to survive intact, and there are real advantages to that in life. And I really feel grateful for the advantages that that’s given me, the benefits that that has given me. Or the other is you totally fall apart and you can’t take it.

On her early immersion into art and film

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My mom saw that I was interested in art and cinema and took me to every foreign film she could find, mostly because she wanted me to hear other languages. But we went to very dark, interesting German films that lasted eight hours long. And we saw all the French New Wave movies, and we had long conversations about movies and what they meant. I think that she respected me.

I did have a skill that was beyond my years and I had a strong sense of self … [and the] ability to understand emotions and character that was beyond my years. [Acting] gave me an outlet that I would not have had if I’d gone on a path to be what I was meant to be, which is really just to be an intellectual. … It was a sink or swim. I had to develop an emotional side. I had to cut off my brain sometimes to play characters in order to be good, and I wanted to be good. If I was gonna do something, I wanted it to be excellent. So in order to do that, I had to learn emotions and I had to learn, not only how to access them, but also how to control them so that I could give them intention.

Jodie Foster attends the Cannes Film Festival in 1976 to promote Taxi Driver.

Jodie Foster attends the Cannes Film Festival in 1976 to promote Taxi Driver.

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On sexual abuse in Hollywood

I’ve really had to examine that, like, how did I get saved? There were microaggressions, of course. Anybody who’s in the workplace has had misogynist microaggressions. That’s just a part of being a woman, right? But what kept me from having those bad experiences, those terrible experiences? And what I came to believe … is that I had a certain amount of power by the time I was, like, 12. So by the time I had my first Oscar nomination, I was part of a different category of people that had power and I was too dangerous to touch. I could’ve ruined people’s careers or I could’ve called “Uncle,” so I wasn’t on the block.

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It also might be just my personality, that I am a head-first person and I approach the world in a head-first way. … It’s very difficult to emotionally manipulate me because I don’t operate with my emotions on the surface. Predators use whatever they can in order to manipulate and get people to do what they want them to do. And that’s much easier when the person is younger, when the person is weaker, when a person has no power. That’s precisely what predatory behavior is about: using power in order to diminish people, in order to dominate them.

On her decision to safeguard her personal life

I did not want to participate in celebrity culture. I wanted to make movies that I loved. I wanted to give everything of myself on-screen, and I wanted to survive intact by having a life and not handing that life over to the media and to people that wished me ill. …

What’s important to consider is that I grew up in a different time, where people couldn’t be who they were and we didn’t have the kinds of freedoms that we have now. And I look at my sons’ generation, and bless them, that they have a kind of justice that we just didn’t [have] access to. And I did the best I could and I had a big plan in mind of making films that could make people better. And that’s all I wanted to do was make movies. I didn’t want to be a public figure or a pioneer or any of those things. And I benefited from all of the pioneers that came before me that did that hard work of having tomatoes thrown at them and being unsafe. And they did that work and I have thanked them. I thank them.

We don’t all have to have the same role. And I think my role was making movies that mattered and creating female characters that were human characters and creating a huge body of work and then being able to look back at the pattern of that body of work and go like, “Oh wow, Jodie played a doctor. She played a mother. She played as a scientist. She played an astronaut. She killed all the bad guys. She did all of those things — and had a lesbian wife and had two kids and was a complete person that had a whole other life.” And I think that will be valuable someday down the line, that I was able to keep my life intact and leave a legacy. There’s lots of ways of being valuable.

Lauren Krenzel and Thea Chaloner produced and edited this interview for broadcast. Bridget Bentz, Molly Seavy-Nesper and Beth Novey adapted it for the web.

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We zoomed down California’s longest and fastest zip lines. Here are 6 things to know

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We zoomed down California’s longest and fastest zip lines. Here are 6 things to know
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Hartman was previously (legally) growing cannabis on the ranch. However, when the market became oversaturated, it was no longer profitable to be a small-scale cannabis grower in the Santa Ynez Valley, he said.

Hartman loves growing crops, and his mother mentioned protea, an ancient type of flowering plant found in South Africa and Australia. Protea are drought-tolerant and do well in California’s Mediterranean climate, he said. In the summer, the staff only has to provide a gallon of water to the plants.

Hartman said his family took a “massive gamble” and picked out 16 of the best cultivars that they thought would grow well, planting them in 2020. They’ve found the South African varieties, like the Safari Sunset and Goldstrike, do the best.

“These protea plants go back in the fossil record like 300 million years,” Hartman said. “They’re some of the oldest flowers on the planet.”

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Hartman said he plans to open a nursery, hopefully later this year, so people can buy potted protea and plant them around their homes, given how drought-tolerant they are.

The tour through the ranch’s 8 acres of proteas includes a U-pick option where guests can take cut flowers home.

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‘Hijack’ and ‘The Night Manager’ continue to thrill in their second seasons

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‘Hijack’ and ‘The Night Manager’ continue to thrill in their second seasons

Idris Elba returns as an extraordinarily unlucky traveler in the second season of Hijack. Plus Tom Hiddleston is back as hotel worker/intelligence agent in The Night Manager.

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When I first began reviewing television after years of doing film, I was struck by one huge difference between the way they tell stories. Movies work hard to end memorably: They want to stick the landing so we’ll leave the theater satisfied. TV series have no landing to stick. They want to leave us un-satisfied so we’ll tune into the next season.

Oddly enough, this week sees the arrival of sequels to two hit series — Apple TV’s Hijack and Prime Video’s The Night Manager — whose first seasons ended so definitively that I never dreamt there could be another. Goes to show how naïve I am.

The original Hijack, which came out in 2023, starred Idris Elba as Sam Nelson, a corporate negotiator who’s flying to see his ex when the plane is skyjacked by assorted baddies. The story was dopey good fun, with Elba — who’s nobody’s idea of an inconspicuous man — somehow able to move around a packed jetliner and thwart the hijackers. The show literally stuck the landing.

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It was hard to see how you could bring back Sam for a second go. I mean, if a man’s hijacked once, that’s happenstance. If it happens twice, well, you’re not going on vacation with a guy like that. Still, Season 2 manages to make Sam’s second hijacking at least vaguely plausible by tying it to the first one. This time out Sam’s on a crowded Berlin subway train whose hijackers will slaughter everyone if their demands aren’t met.

From here, things follow the original formula. You’ve got your grab bag of fellow passengers, Sam’s endangered ex-wife, some untrustworthy bureaucrats, an empathetic woman traffic controller, and so forth. You’ve got your non-stop twists and episode-ending cliffhangers. And of course, you’ve got Elba, a charismatic actor who may be better here than in the original because this plot unleashes his capacity for going to dark, dangerous places.

While more ornately plotted than the original, the show still isn’t about anything more than unleashing adrenaline. I happily watched it for Elba and the shots of snow falling in Berlin. But for a show like this to be thrilling, it has to be as swift as a greyhound. At a drawn-out eight episodes — four hours more than movies like Die Hard and SpeedHijack 2 is closer to a well-fed basset hound.

Tom Hiddleston as Jonathan Pine in The Night Manager Season 2.

Tom Hiddleston plays MI6 agent Jonathan Pine in The Night Manager Season 2.

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Things move much faster in Season 2 of The Night Manager. The action starts nearly a decade after the 2016 original which starred Tom Hiddleston as Jonathan Pine, a night manager at a luxury Swiss hotel, who gets enlisted by a British intelligence agent — that’s Olivia Colman — to take down the posh arms dealer Richard Roper, played by Hugh Laurie. Equal parts James Bond and John le Carré, who wrote the source novel, the show raced among glossy locations and built to a pleasing conclusion.

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So pleasing that Hiddleston is back as Pine, who is now doing surveillance work for MI6 under the name of Alex Goodwin. He learns the existence of Teddy Dos Santos — that’s Diego Calva — a Colombian pretty boy who’s the arms-dealing protégé of Roper. So naturally, Pine defies orders and goes after him, heading to Colombia disguised as a rich, dodgy banker able to fund Teddy’s business.

While David Farr’s script doesn’t equal le Carré in sophistication, this labyrinthine six-episode sequel follows the master’s template. It’s positively bursting with stuff — private eyes and private armies, splashy location shooting in Medellín and Cartagena, jaded lords and honest Colombian judges, homoerotic kisses, duplicities within duplicities, a return from the dead, plus crackerjack performances by Hiddleston, Laurie, Colman, Calva and Hayley Squires as Pine’s sidekick in Colombia. Naturally, there’s a glamorous woman, played by Camila Morrone, who Pine will want to rescue.

As it builds to a teasing climax — yes, there will be a Season 3 — The Night Manager serves up a slew of classic le Carré themes. This is a show about fathers and sons, the corrupt British ruling class, resurgent nationalism and neo-imperialism. Driving the action is what one character dubs “the commercialization of chaos,” in which the powerful smash a society in order to buy up — and profit from — the pieces. If it had come out a year ago, Season 2 might’ve seemed like just another far-fetched thriller set in an exotic location. These days it feels closer to a news flash.

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