San Diego, CA

Subway's Footlong Pretzel Bread: Why Subway Hates Us | San Diego Magazine

Published

2 years ago

April 29, 2024

Subway's Footlong Pretzel Bread: Why Subway Hates Us | San Diego Magazine

Call me a size queen but as San Diego Magazine‘s official pretzel correspondent I was drooling when I saw Subway advertising foot-long Auntie Anne’s soft pretzels as part of a new campaign of foot-long snacks. Soft pretzels are why the gods gifted us tongues—to share with us the divine glory of the pillowy bread knot. Soft pretzels are without question the best bread.

So, Subway and Aunti A’s collabing on a full 12 inches? Yeah, I’m tipping my head back and taking the whole thing. Sucking the salt off and eating it like a duck. Generally, I think Subway is gross and smells funny. But it’s a pretzel! Who cares if it comes from the sickly-sweet scented armpit of the corporate food industry? It will be cheap, and it’s gotta be decent, right?

Wrong. Violently wrong.

This is no pretzel. This is an STD. Subway’s foot-long middle finger to us all. I didn’t get past the first bite. I’d rather eat a paper towel tube.

Bread this bad can only mean one thing: Subway hates America.

Imagine me, blissfully strolling across a strip mall parking lot, spinning my keys, maybe humming a little love song, excited to spend $3 for what I figured might prove to be something of a fast food guilty pleasure. Not something to eat everyday, but a treat for when life’s lights go dull. So I broke a five, collected my pretzel-filled paper sleeve, plastic cup of honey mustard, and headed to my truck.

What came next was a silent fart in my mouth from the asses of corporate America. Lord, The face I made. This is the Malört of bread.

This pretzel is a mouth sore, an atrocity. The outside is dry and the inside is…also dry? Chewy in an unappealing way, it is utterly flavorless. A full disappointment. Stale white bread with a dry crunchy shell. Calling this a pretzel is racist. It’s going to give an entire generation ARFID.

I can’t believe more Subways aren’t on fire. Philly, where you at? I thought you guys loved pretzels.

Subway's new Auntie Anne's footlong pretzel bread next to a tape measure indicating it is not 12 inches long

Serving this in actual restaurants feels like an assault on the US from a foreign enemy. Deplete their bread reserves, break their spirits. But Subway is not a foreign power. They’re the second largest fast food chain in the country and a $16 billion revenue stream for private equity parent company, Roark Capital Group. Roark owns dozens of brands like Arby’s, Dunkin’ Donuts, Cheesecake Factory, Cinnabon, Auntie Anne’s, the list goes on. With all that airport food they’re selling, Roark generates some $77 billion in annual revenue. They’re also notorious wage thieves and enemies of the $15 federal minimum wage.

So, let me tell you in case you’re slow on the uptick: everything is rotten in the stratospheres of American power. Execs at these corporate monoliths haven’t just turned their backs on the American people: they spit in our faces, steal wallets and laugh, clearly aware they are too big to face consequences.

Who do we even complain to? These people run the world. What are you going to do? Buy the ingredients? Make your own pretzels? You work two jobs and pay 60 percent of your take home pay in rent. Your check engine light is coming on any day now. Meanwhile companies like Roark and Subway make billions and spend their R&D budgets on figuring out how to do less for Americans who are out here fighting for their lives.

No wonder the world is getting so damn expensive.

Did you know you need to earn 80 percent more today than in 2020 to purchase a house? And food costs have increased 25 percent in recent years. That raise you’re hoping for? It means almost nothing compared to what things cost out there.

Subway's new Auntie Anne's footlong pretzel bread — Courtesy of Subway

Have you heard of ‘shrinkflation?’ Companies are charging you more while giving you less. Even fruits and vegetables have gotten less nutritious. In San Diego—where we pay the most expensive energy bills in the country—you can make six-figures and still be lower-middle class. The US is one big Ponzi scheme. Life here smells more sour by the day. We’re getting screwed, and these pretzels are just proof.

Life is objectively getting harder. The middle class is gone, and most Americans don’t have a $500 emergency fund. We’re one toothache away from living in a tent. More people than ever need $3 food, and we’re being fed stylized co-branded trash. Subway has more money than god and the devil combined, they could easily offer something palatable, something that makes life a little worth living, if they chose.

But corporate America does not see itself as part of the fabric of our people. Roark and the like act as an occupying force, and the bean counting sociopaths they employ have no interest in our shared existences, our shared joys, our shared future. They’d steal your baby’s first breath if they could. They want our very essences. Roark, Auntie Anne’s, Subway— these companies don’t make our food in kitchens, they make it on a spreadsheet. And they hate us, you can taste it.

Did you know Subway paid Charles Barkley and Klay Thompson to advertise these 12 inch turds? Paid them, what? Tens of thousands? Just to convince us to buy this trash. Barkley and Thompson owe us all an apology. Donate your dirty money to food kitchens, you sellouts.

Jesus, my jaw is sore. Do you know how miserably dead warm bread has to be to cause muscle fatigue? I’d rather spend $3 in a prison commissary.

This is what late stage capitalism tastes like. The empire is falling, and American corporations are switching the vacuum on high, sucking as much joy from our lives and money from our pockets as possible before it all comes crashing down. These poisonous, celebrity-endorsed marketing proposals are what they feed us as the world burns.

We could do so much better

I mean it. The bread we eat is important. In Arabic, the word for bread is the same as the word for life. Somehow, in America, we’ve been driven to the point that pretzel now means sadness. I’m no nihilist, but why is it that in America, believing that everyone deserves real, affordable food—or edible bread—is seen as glory-holing The Communist Manifesto? If this is really what our country has come to, revolution must be nigh. Break out the guillotines, I’ll meet you outside of Roark.

But first, I gotta go brush my teeth.

Source link

Related Topics:Featured food news Food/Drink

Click to comment

San Diego, CA

The gun violence that has taken place in the last two days is prompting San Diego community members to take action.

Published

7 hours ago

December 15, 2025

Press Room

The gun violence that has taken place in the last two days is prompting San Diego community members to take action.

As local members of the Jewish community celebrated the first day of Hanukkah, they joined in solidarity with those impacted by the tragedy in Australia.

Meanwhile, other members of the community honored the lives lost to gun violence.

Despite the somber and tragic events that have unfolded in the last two days, the community is holding strong.

San Diegans are choosing to focus on the light rather than the darkness.

“Our job is not just to spread light with words, but with actions,” Rabbi Yossi Tiefenbrun, Director of Chabad of Pacific Beach said.

As members of the Jewish community gathered at Liberty Station Sunday night to kick off the first day of Hannukah by the lighting of the menorah, their hearts are with their brothers and sisters in Bondi, Australia, where two attackers killed at least 15 people in a shooting during the Jewish holiday celebration.

“Personally, it’s been a very difficult day. The Rabbi in the city of Australia was a classmate of mine. We grew up together in London, England. So waking up to that kind of news was devastating,” Rabbi Yossi Tiefenbrun said.

The tragedy in Australia comes just hours after a gunman opened fire at Brown University, killing two and injuring at least nine others.

“For every shooting, for every death, there’s a family behind that. There are friends, there are loved ones,” Carol Landale said.

Sunday also marks 13 years since a gunman opened fire at Sandy Hook Elementary in Newton, Connecticut, killing 20-first graders and 6 staff members.

“When will this stop… When will the powers of this world say enough?” Rev. Penny Bridges, Dean, St. Paul Cathedral said.

The annual vigil of remembrance for the victims of gun violence was held Sunday night at St. Paul’s Episcopal Church.

“In this festive time of advent and festive season of Hanukkah, we call on our loving and living God to bring peace to our world, to end the evil of Gun violence,” Rev. Penny Bridges said.

With violence erupting on the first day of Hanukkah, the head of security for the Jewish Federation said they are working with other law enforcement agencies to ensure the safety of everyone in the community.

“I think it’s important for everyone to know that there are no articulated threats in our area we just have to be situationally aware,” Bill Ganley, Community Security Director for the Jewish Federation said.

San Diegans are standing strong in solidarity for one another, hoping for a brighter future ahead.

“We will fight with light whenever there is darkness,” Michael Sclar, who attended the menorah lighting said.

In a statement to NBC 7, The American Jewish Committee of San Diego said in part, “Sadly, this is not an isolated incident, and while we are horrified and devastated, we are not surprised…Hanukkah is time for joy and light and this year, we hope others will join us as we light our candles in solidarity with the Australian Jewish community. Because antisemitism is a threat to all of society and if we fail to push back against this evil hatred, everyone is at risk.

Source link

San Diego, CA

Two San Diego Police Officers Struck by Alleged DUI Driver

Published

19 hours ago

December 14, 2025

Press Room

Two San Diego Police Officers Struck by Alleged DUI Driver

PACIFIC BEACH (CNS) – Two San Diego police officers who were on foot in a Pacific Beach intersection were struck tonight by a car operated by a wrong-way driver who was believed intoxicated.

The crash occurred at 8:25 p.m. Saturday in the intersection of Thomas Avenue and Mission Boulevard, San Diego Police Department Officer Anthony Carrosco told City News Service.

The suspect’s Honda Civic was eastbound in westbound lanes when it struck the on-duty officers, Carrosco said. It was unclear what the officers were doing in the roadway.

One officer suffered non-life-threatening injuries and was taken by ambulance to a trauma center, he said. The other officer was not injured.

The man driving the Honda was arrested for suspicion of felony DUI, Carrosco said. The man’s name and age were not immediately released.

The intersection was closed for the investigation, he said.

Source link

San Diego, CA

Nick Canepa: Latest College Football Playoff flap has me defending Notre Dame

Published

1 day ago

December 14, 2025

Press Room

Nick Canepa: Latest College Football Playoff flap has me defending Notre Dame

Sez Me …

We should have known better. I’m an idiot for not guessing that making sense out of the College Football Playoffs would be about as pleasurable as getting a colonoscopy with a rusted rake left out in the snow.

As far back as I can remember — and those of us over 50 know this Unsocial Media’s Generation’s memory goes back a week — I’ve been shouting from the rooftops that we must have a college football playoff.

(Although I will admit to not spending much time on rooftops lately, now that TV antennas have gone the way of the carburetor.)

A four-team tournament was a good start, but obviously not large enough. When it went to 12, it appeared to be the ideal number. Those who bitched over not making the final four now were going to get a chance to prove themselves on the field of play.

The big deal today is Notre Dame being left out of the top 12, with James Madison and Tulane getting in because the system allows conference champions. Notre Dame is independent, thus no conference — in football only.

This is a real shame.

As you know, I’m no fan of the Irish. Up to this minute, they’ve been privileged beyond belief. Both ND and Miami finished with 10-2 records, but the Irish lost to the Hurricanes in the opener, and by the time the selection committee made its final list, it took head-to-head into account. Which is the way it should be, when both teams finish with the same records.

Pouting Notre Dame athletic director Pete Bevacqua, whose school has chosen not to appear in a menial (for them) bowl game, says few schools ever have had a more successful run than ND.

The programs the Irish beat in that 10-game span had an overall record of 55-65. Historic.

Despite all that, ND was one of the few teams that seemed capable of winning the national title. It certainly belonged in over Alabama, but the SEC has special powers.

The Irish will be in it soon enough. I suspect the tournament will balloon to 16 teams. The problem now is that with NIL and rampant portal transferring, we have parity as we’ve never had it before. And that’s not a good thing. It will be much harder for the James Madisons of the world to make it.

But this isn’t basketball. It doesn’t deserve to be in.

The Dukes lost 28-14 to Louisville, their only power conference opponent (and not a good one). And they’re a three-touchdown underdog to Oregon in the tournament. Notre Dame and Oregon would be close.

But that’s just too damn bad. …

Indiana’s Curt Cignetti is the most dour head football coach at any level I’ve seen. You can sit this guy down in front of “Blazing Saddles” and he’s watching “Camille.” …

Curt isn’t winning the national title, but he’s done a helluva job at Bob Knight’s school. Come to think of it, he’s Bob without the chair. …

The Eagles’ Nick Sirianni, who is leaning at the tape as the worst head coach to win a Super Bowl, worked all week with the Philly offense. Jalen Hurts had a 31.2 passer rating vs. the NFL Team That Used To Be Here on Monday night. Smokey Gaines, where are you? That’s 31.2 more than a dead man. …

Daiyan Henley tackling Tony Jefferson after his overtime pick vs. the Eagles was wise. But because it was OT, even if Jefferson had fumbled it away and Philly recovered, the game would have been over. No extra possessions allowed in OT. …

Philip Rivers, 44, who last played football in 2020, should stay as far away from the NFL as humanly possible, perhaps have another child. Alas, he can’t help himself. …

Philip has been signed by the Colts, moving his Hall of Fame eligibility up five more years — which could mean a few more kids. …

But he’s going to play. Probably Sunday. You know that. …

In fact, I’m certain Philip eventually will become the first great-grandfather to play in The League. …

Philip has to be in better shape than Justin Herbert, no? …

Jim Harbaugh is right. Herbert is a superhero. …

Patrick Mahomes is a great quarterback. But he is a lousy quarterback under pressure. Always has been. Except there’s more pressure now. Still, if the Judases give him time to throw Sunday, adios J’s. …

With that offensive line protecting Herbert the way Sarajevo cops guarded Archduke Franz Ferdinand, it remains a wonder the Judases can win a game. But it’s December, when defense matters. …

Told you. Joe Burrow is Andrew Luck waiting to happen. …

The only games the NFL should play on Christmas Day are the ones the athletes and coaches bought for the kids to open. …

Todd Bowles, we know you can cuss. Try coaching better before driving the bus over your players. …

Bill Johnston, for 39 years publicist for the NFL Team That Used To Be Here, and serving for the last nine with the Padres, is retiring. He learned from the best, Rick Smith, a bulldog, and Bill had that attitude as he battled relentlessly beside wife Ramona through her two-decade battle with Huntington’s Disease. One of the finest men I’ve known. …

Sherrone Moore has been fired as Michigan’s football coach because of an inappropriate relationship with a staff member. Sherrone then lost it and got thrown in stir for stalking and home invasion. Lane Kiffin still has time to change his mind and go to Ann Arbor. …

The Michigan job is near the top. Great history. Unlimited resources. …

USC’s Makai Lemon was the best receiver I saw all year. So he won the Biletnikoff Award. Amazing. Others agreed with me. …

The Padres have signed reliever Daison Acosta. Now there’s one with some teeth. …

The Padres and Diamondbacks will meet in Mexico City April 25 and 26? Why? Plenty of Mexican food here, and Richardson’s in Phoenix is the best Mexican in America. OK, international games are stupid. …

Now in his second year in the Fox booth, Tom Brady is getting better as he tries to earn all of that 10-year, $375 million salary. It’s what happens when Bill Belichick tells him what to say. …

Happens every week. During Steelers-Ravens, the officials screwed the Ravens into Fort McHenry. …

Officials finally got something right. They called 19 accepted penalties on the pathetic Falcons Thursday night vs. the Bucs. Atlanta still won. …

Hey, Bicycle Mayor and His Ham & Eggers: Have you taken a ride south on Kettner toward the I-5 South onramp, featuring the Rick Schloss bump? Hope you have four-wheel drive. What a disgrace. Welcome to San Diego, rental car users. …

Jeff Kent was a good baseball player. I never considered him a Hall of Famer. Still don’t. …

Army-Navy. Fastest game. As though Randy Jones were pitching. …

I was at the 1990 World Cup in Italy, which, I believe, makes me eligible for the FIFA Peace Prize. …

How can whistles be that clean?

Source link