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Subway's Footlong Pretzel Bread: Why Subway Hates Us | San Diego Magazine

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Subway's Footlong Pretzel Bread: Why Subway Hates Us | San Diego Magazine


Call me a size queen but as San Diego Magazine‘s official pretzel correspondent I was drooling when I saw Subway advertising foot-long Auntie Anne’s soft pretzels as part of a new campaign of foot-long snacks. Soft pretzels are why the gods gifted us tongues—to share with us the divine glory of the pillowy bread knot. Soft pretzels are without question the best bread.

So, Subway and Aunti A’s collabing on a full 12 inches? Yeah, I’m tipping my head back and taking the whole thing. Sucking the salt off and eating it like a duck. Generally, I think Subway is gross and smells funny. But it’s a pretzel! Who cares if it comes from the sickly-sweet scented armpit of the corporate food industry? It will be cheap, and it’s gotta be decent, right?

Wrong. Violently wrong.

This is no pretzel. This is an STD. Subway’s foot-long middle finger to us all. I didn’t get past the first bite. I’d rather eat a paper towel tube.

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Bread this bad can only mean one thing: Subway hates America.

Imagine me, blissfully strolling across a strip mall parking lot, spinning my keys, maybe humming a little love song, excited to spend $3 for what I figured might prove to be something of a fast food guilty pleasure. Not something to eat everyday, but a treat for when life’s lights go dull. So I broke a five, collected my pretzel-filled paper sleeve, plastic cup of honey mustard, and headed to my truck.

What came next was a silent fart in my mouth from the asses of corporate America. Lord, The face I made. This is the Malört of bread.

This pretzel is a mouth sore, an atrocity. The outside is dry and the inside is…also dry? Chewy in an unappealing way, it is utterly flavorless. A full disappointment. Stale white bread with a dry crunchy shell. Calling this a pretzel is racist. It’s going to give an entire generation ARFID.

I can’t believe more Subways aren’t on fire. Philly, where you at? I thought you guys loved pretzels.

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Subway's new Auntie Anne's footlong pretzel bread next to a tape measure indicating it is not 12 inches long

Serving this in actual restaurants feels like an assault on the US from a foreign enemy. Deplete their bread reserves, break their spirits. But Subway is not a foreign power. They’re the second largest fast food chain in the country and a $16 billion revenue stream for private equity parent company, Roark Capital Group. Roark owns dozens of brands like Arby’s, Dunkin’ Donuts, Cheesecake Factory, Cinnabon, Auntie Anne’s, the list goes on. With all that airport food they’re selling, Roark generates some $77 billion in annual revenue. They’re also notorious wage thieves and enemies of the $15 federal minimum wage.

So, let me tell you in case you’re slow on the uptick: everything is rotten in the stratospheres of American power. Execs at these corporate monoliths haven’t just turned their backs on the American people: they spit in our faces, steal wallets and laugh, clearly aware they are too big to face consequences.

Who do we even complain to? These people run the world. What are you going to do? Buy the ingredients? Make your own pretzels? You work two jobs and pay 60 percent of your take home pay in rent. Your check engine light is coming on any day now. Meanwhile companies like Roark and Subway make billions and spend their R&D budgets on figuring out how to do less for Americans who are out here fighting for their lives.

No wonder the world is getting so damn expensive.

Did you know you need to earn 80 percent more today than in 2020 to purchase a house? And food costs have increased 25 percent in recent years. That raise you’re hoping for? It means almost nothing compared to what things cost out there.

Subway's new Auntie Anne's footlong pretzel bread
Courtesy of Subway

Have you heard of ‘shrinkflation?’ Companies are charging you more while giving you less. Even fruits and vegetables have gotten less nutritious. In San Diego—where we pay the most expensive energy bills in the country—you can make six-figures and still be lower-middle class. The US is one big Ponzi scheme. Life here smells more sour by the day. We’re getting screwed, and these pretzels are just proof.

Life is objectively getting harder. The middle class is gone, and most Americans don’t have a $500 emergency fund. We’re one toothache away from living in a tent. More people than ever need $3 food, and we’re being fed stylized co-branded trash. Subway has more money than god and the devil combined, they could easily offer something palatable, something that makes life a little worth living, if they chose.

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But corporate America does not see itself as part of the fabric of our people. Roark and the like act as an occupying force, and the bean counting sociopaths they employ have no interest in our shared existences, our shared joys, our shared future. They’d steal your baby’s first breath if they could. They want our very essences. Roark, Auntie Anne’s, Subway— these companies don’t make our food in kitchens, they make it on a spreadsheet. And they hate us, you can taste it.

Did you know Subway paid Charles Barkley and Klay Thompson to advertise these 12 inch turds? Paid them, what? Tens of thousands? Just to convince us to buy this trash. Barkley and Thompson owe us all an apology. Donate your dirty money to food kitchens, you sellouts.

Jesus, my jaw is sore. Do you know how miserably dead warm bread has to be to cause muscle fatigue? I’d rather spend $3 in a prison commissary.

This is what late stage capitalism tastes like. The empire is falling, and American corporations are switching the vacuum on high, sucking as much joy from our lives and money from our pockets as possible before it all comes crashing down. These poisonous, celebrity-endorsed marketing proposals are what they feed us as the world burns.

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We could do so much better

I mean it. The bread we eat is important. In Arabic, the word for bread is the same as the word for life. Somehow, in America, we’ve been driven to the point that pretzel now means sadness. I’m no nihilist, but why is it that in America, believing that everyone deserves real, affordable food—or edible bread—is seen as glory-holing The Communist Manifesto? If this is really what our country has come to, revolution must be nigh. Break out the guillotines, I’ll meet you outside of Roark.

But first, I gotta go brush my teeth.



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San Diego, CA

Merenda Wine Brings European-Style Wine Bar to Oceanside | San Diego Magazine

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Merenda Wine Brings European-Style Wine Bar to Oceanside | San Diego Magazine


San Diego has long been a craft beer town. But based on the recent proliferation of wine bars, events, clubs, and retail shops, we seem poised to embrace grapes as our regional beverage of choice. 

Wine bar and shop Merenda will be the newest addition to San Diego’s burgeoning wine scene when it opens at The Flats in Oceanside this July-ish. “Very heavy on the ish,” jokes Aaron Crossland, who co-owns Merenda with his wife, Lauren Crossland-Marr. “We’re moving really quickly so far, but there are always things that come up.”

Merenda is Italian for “snack,” or, more specifically, a snack shared with others. The duo spent time in Italy while Crossland-Marr studied food anthropology and culture, which led to a love of food, drink, and especially wine, explains Crossland. Neither planned to get into the wine business for themselves until two things happened.

“We got this idea for Merenda during Covid, and thought it would probably happen when we were a little older,” he says. “But as it happens, when you hit 40, I realized I really kind of hated what I did for a living and wanted to pursue my passions.”

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Courtesy of The Flats Oceanside

The two moved back to Oceanside, Crossland’s hometown, to be closer to family and participate in the city’s revitalization. “[We] saw how wonderful Oceanside has been doing economically, with all the new restaurants and stuff coming into town, and wanted to be a part of it,” he explains.

It took about a year to find the right space, but they jumped on it when they saw the opportunity to take over The Flat’s retail suite. “I love the idea of having people actually living in the same space where we’re doing this,” he says, adding there are 18 residential units on-site. Merenda will occupy around 2,000 square feet of space on the ground floor, plus a small patio, with approximately 300 square feet reserved for the retail area. Crossland says they’ll start with a small collection but hope to grow to offer a few hundred SKUs of different wines, heavily emphasizing Old World wines. 

The food program will feature local produce and ingredients as well as Eastern Mediterranean and Middle Eastern influences, with a lot of the direction still being worked out. But Crossland says their charcuterie program will set them apart, with items like housemade salumi, coppa, bresaola, and mortadella. Overall, it’ll be the experience that he says people will come back for.

“We’re really going for an Old World European feel,” he explains. “Lots of wood, very approachable decor.” Bells + Whistles (Jeune et Jolie) handles the design, which Crossland describes as his living room, but better. Details like hand-painted tiles from Portugal, artwork from their collection, and a mural over the pass-through window between the kitchen and dining area will give the space a balance between “comfort and quality,” he says. There will also be a small particular event space for private events.

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Once open, Crossland says they plan to launch a wine club and host many events, collaborations, and other tastings to cater to locals who may already know about wine and those just getting started. “A space for people like myself, who obviously love wine, but without all that pretentious B.S.. that goes along with it.”

New San Diego restaurant Sea & Sky opening in La Jolla
Courtesy of Sea & Sky La Jolla

San Diego Restaurant News & Food Events

Sea & Sky Now Open Atop Hotel La Jolla

Former Juniper & Ivy chef Anthony Wells is now the executive chef at Sea & Sky, the new sea-to-table restaurant at Hotel La Jolla, Curio Collection by Hilton in La Jolla Shores. Open seven days a week for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, Sea & Sky uses seafood and other local ingredients for dishes like yellowtail crudo, whole snapper, bone marrow with tuna sashimi, and more. The recently renovated hotel has more in store for guests, with a second renovation on track for late 2024. Reservations for Sea & Sky are available here. 

Rancho Valencia Resort & Spa's 2024 culinary series dinners featuring a luxurious appetizer
Photo Credit: Nancy Silverton

Beth’s Bites

Rancho Valencia Resort & Spa is upping the dining game, announcing its 2024 culinary series lineup with superstars like Javier Plascencia (July 14), David Castro Hussong, Alfredo Villanueva, and Maribel Aldaco (June 27), and adding Emiliano Safa as the property’s new executive chef. Lots of news to chew on (literally)!

Calling all plant lovers—on Saturday, May 18 from 10 a.m. to 1:30 p.m., come enjoy, buy, and chat plants at TapRoom Beer Company with House Plant House Call. Plants and beer? The definition of my perfect Saturday. 

Say it ain’t so, Sicilian Thing. The stalwart North Park pizzeria has apparently and unceremoniously shuttered after 17 years on 30th street. I know we still have Tribute and Blind Lady nearby, but it still feels like the end of an era.

The Michelin Guide finally made it to Mexico. Congrats to all the fantastic teams and people the Guide recognized for the first time, including Drew and Paulina Deckman (Conchas de Piedra, Deckman’s en el Mogor), Javier and Lauren Plascencia (Animalón), and more. Check out the complete list here. 

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Funko Fundays “Freddy's Funtastic Voyage” Sets Course for San Diego Comic-Con 2024

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Funko Fundays “Freddy's Funtastic Voyage” Sets Course for San Diego Comic-Con 2024


As announced last month, Fundays is back at San Diego Comic-Con this year, and they’re going bigger than ever. Get ready to sail the high seas (or at least the Manchester Grand Hyatt steps) for Funko Fundays’ 2024, which will feature two nights, and a theme of “Freddy’s Funtastic Voyage”. The exact nights are still to be announced, but will presumably be either Thursday and Friday, or Friday and Saturday.

Yes, Funko is heading back to their previous home base of the Manchester Grand Hyatt, rather than the Rady Shell (and anyone who had last year’s “food” offerings is likely breathing a sigh of relief right now).

The event will be the same across both nights, to give more fans a chance to attend. Mike Becker, Funko’s “COF” (Chief Officer of Fun), also hinted at a special surprise for fans.

Ticket details are still to be announced, but someone willing to spend a lot of money (say, $8500 or so) can try to grab Funko’s Pirate Freddy “Fun of One” digital Dropp. The holder of the digital Funko on July 17 at 11am PT will receive two tickets to Fundays… but again, that’s a pretty pricy option. You can find more information on Dropp’s site.

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San Diego City Council unanimously approves plan for future of De Anza Cove

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San Diego City Council unanimously approves plan for future of De Anza Cove


SAN DIEGO (KGTV) – Up to 90 people attended San Diego City Council to explain their issues, concerns, and support for Mission Bay’s next steps in developing a master plan for the area, specifically De Anza Cove.

Some environmentalists are calling for more wetland space and protection for wildlife in the area, among other things.

“Our coalition of 89 member organizations is pushing the City to go big on wetland restoration as the best use of public property. We need wetland restoration because it cleans water, because it’s resistant to sea level rise, and it helps sequester carbon,” Andrew Meyer, ReWild Mission Bay Program Manager, said.

Others are in the camp hoping to ensure campgrounds stay on the bay.

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“We want to see the wetlands enhanced. We don’t believe that needs to come at the expense of camping, of public access, at the expense of recreational and athletic field uses,” Jacob Gelfand, a camp land supporter, said.

The City Council heard from the public about the plan being considered, which would set the long-term future for visitors and locals.

In the plan, De Anza Cove would be split into three areas: low-cost camping, expanded wetlands, and an area for recreation.

Eventually, the Council voted unanimously to move forward with the amendment to the master plan.

“The unanimous approval of the De Anza Natural amendment marks a significant milestone in our years-long effort to preserve and enhance one of San Diego’s most beloved recreational areas,” Mayor Todd Gloria said in a release from the City. “This plan will not only restore vital wetland habitats, but also ensure that De Anza Cove remains a vibrant space for recreation, low-cost visitor accommodations and environmental education for generations to come.”

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Despite varying stances on the issue, the different groups inside the council chambers felt a sense of compromise as they spoke during public comment.

Many who spoke supported the Council’s move forward with the plan so it could move one step closer to implementation.

“What we’ve been advocating for, the City just accomplished about 80 percent of it; a little over 80 percent of what we asked for and showed was feasible. Pretty good. But we need to work on that last 20 percent to ensure that is in the park as time passes,” Meyer said.

“I think that the citizens of San Diego really demanded a compromise and a commonsense solution to all of these different needs. Because everyone in San Diego has an interest in seeing recreation being preserved for families,” Gelfand said. “And we all benefit from the natural environment.”

The next step for the plan is to present it to the Coastal Commission, which would have to certify it.

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