Cleveland, OH
Why Your Team Sucks 2024: Cleveland Browns | Defector
Some people are fans of the Cleveland Browns. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Cleveland Browns. This 2024 Defector NFL team preview is for those in the latter group. Read all the previews so far here.
Your team: Cleveland Browns.
Your 2023 record: 11-6. These guys beat the 49ers, Ravens, Texans, and a handful of other real teams during the regular season. They even got to rest their starters in Week 18, because they had a playoff spot locked up. Somehow they managed to do this without their best running back, their best offensive tackle, and the starting QB they sold their damp brown soul for. They had to rely on a formerly couchbound Joe Flacco leading them down the stretch, and Flacco ended up winning Comeback Player of the Year, presumably by default, for it. Relative to their past, one can only describe this past Browns season as “triumphant.”
That’s pretty much the last nice thing I’ll say here. You genuises yoked your future to a $230 million anchor that’s marinated in 60 gallons of Dior Sauvage. You sported a championship defense last year. That’s not hyperbole. By every advanced metric, this Browns defense was as a good as … oh, I dunno, let’s say the 2000 Baltimore Ravens. All they needed was a modern Trent Dilfer (no, not that one) to safely game-manage them deep into the playoffs. Instead, they were forced to cycle through four different QBs, with Flacco somehow managing to be the best of them by FAR. Not good.
Also not good: Losing to the “rival” Steelers on a T.J. Watt scoop and score; letting Geno Smith beat them on a last-second TD pass that WR Jaxon Smith-Njigba caught behind the line of scrimmage; getting crushed by Denver in a game where Russell Wilson passed for a whopping 134 yards, and then getting destroyed by the Rams a week later. All of that should have clued you into the fact that this team wasn’t quite the sum of its parts. Well, that and the fact that THEY’RE THE CLEVELAND FUCKING BROWNS. The Browns couldn’t turn on a lamp without watching a YouTube tutorial first. So when these guys traveled down to Houston for a wild card game against the AFC South champs, did YOU think they stood a chance? Did anyone? Did they even think it was possible?
Judging by the 45-14 final score, they didn’t. Because hoo doggie, you boys got LIT THE FUCK UP down in Texas, by the same guys who tricked you into trading the deed to your city for Deshaun Watson. That’s right: Jack Easterby‘s team fleeced you. Now the Texans have an incredible young passer who makes them an instant annual Super Bowl threat, and you have … whatever this is.
Your coach: Two-time Coach of the Year Kevin Stefanski. Stefanski has never led these Browns past the divisional round, but all Browns coaches are graded on a curve that bends more than the GateKeeper at Cedar Point. In any other city, Kevin Stefanski would have had Cam Cameron’s career. Here, he’s the greatest head coach the New Browns have ever had. If he loses just one more playoff game, they’ll rename the entire city after him.
Everything bad about the 2023 Browns could be traced back to their shortcomings on offense, so Stefanski dumped offensive coordinator Alex Van Pelt after the season and brought in this man to make everything better:
That’s former Heisman winner Ken Dorsey, who hates running the ball and whose Bills ripped off six wins in their final seven games after they fired him in November. Imagine YOU being the problem in Buffalo and not Sean McDermott. Dorsey must have pinned 500 photos of Timothy McVeigh to his office wall to be the bad guy in Orchard Park. He also couldn’t run a consistent offense with Josh Allen at his disposal. Now he has to do it with…
Your quarterback: Deshaun Watson, who ended last season on IR thanks to a broken glenoid bone in his shoulder. I don’t know what a glenoid bone is, and I won’t be asking Deshaun to show me where it is on his body. When this man gets injured, every physical therapist within a 100-mile radius has a nervous breakdown. But now he’s healthy (sure he is) and ready to live up to the unprecedented (still!) amount of guaranteed money that Cleveland offered for his services three years ago.
There’s just one small problem there, which is that he sucks.
Now I’ve done my fair share of wishcasting on other QBs whom I’ve found personally repugnant. I said Jordan Love was a flop, but he wasn’t. I said Ben Roethlisberger was never all that good, but he 100 percent was. But this time, I’m don’t have to pretend that Deshaun Watson sucks, because he actually does. According to the FTN Almanac, “Watson has yet to produce a positive season-long passing DVOA with the Browns.” He’s also never played a full season in Cleveland, has 14 passing TDs to nine picks, and the 2,217 total passing yards he’s amassed in two seasons with the Browns are less than half the passing yards he notched in his final season with the Texans alone. His completion percentage is way down. His yards-per-attempt average is way down. And reports out of preseason joint practices were that he was fucking terrible. NICE.
So this isn’t the Deshaun Watson you knew in Houston, and not just because he’s a monster. He’s washed, and will never regain his old Pro Bowl form. As such, the Browns were better off with Flacco at QB, but Flacco left for Indy this offseason. They better have replaced him with someone who knows what they’re doing. What’s that? Who’d they sign? Oh you gotta be shitting me…
This is the stupidest organization in football.
What’s new that sucks: Guess which team still didn’t have any first-round picks this spring because they traded for eternal infamy? To fix their offense, the Browns had to dig into the market for RBs D’Onta Foreman and Nyheim Hines, and then traded for Broncos washout Jerry Jeudy to be their WR2. They even gave Jeudy a contract extension worth $41 million guaranteed. Can I get a fat payday from this team? Like Watson and Jeudy, I too can’t play football for shit. Where’s MY golden parachute, Jimmy Haslam? How do I qualify for your Fuckhead Welfare Initiative? Do I need to dry hump an unsuspecting cashier and then fumble a can of soup down her shirt? Would that get me a bag? You fucking idiot. I hope you get run over by a semi.
Anyway, the roster. Even with Jeudy in the wideout room, Amari Cooper and the literal charred remains of David Njoku remain your only decent receiving threats. Hines and Foreman will be forced to assume too heavy of a workload should star RB Nick Chubb need extra time to recover from tearing every intact fiber inside of his knee last fall. But the defense? The defense is still insane. Free agent LBs Devin Bush and Jordan Hicks join an already loaded front seven, and the secondary remains talented enough for DC Jim Schwartz to play man coverage anytime he feels like it. Imagine if this team had a QB to pair with that defense. The mind reels.
Regardless, the schedule is soft enough that Cleveland could easily stage a repeat of last season, 57 QBs and all. Haslam is hoping that will be enough to get him the trophy he really wants:
Notice anything missing from those mock-ups? If you said “the city of Cleveland,” you win a free biscuit. Haslam and the Browns have already initiated the process of stadium grift, complete with vaguely threatening statements to move the team to the Ohio equivalent of Cobb County if Cleveland proper doesn’t hand them an attaché case filled with million-dollar bills. You’ve seen this movie many times over. The fact that it’s set in Cleveland this time makes the movie even longer, and more boring. I’d rather give a free stadium to the Proud Boys.
What has always sucked: By the time the Browns have gotten out from under Watson’s deal, their defense will be a shell of its former self. Good. This was precisely what you guys deserved for acquiring that man in the first place. You have everything in place: a good coach, an incredible defense, and a fanbase that’ll stay loyal even while you’re pissing down their leg. All you need is a QB. You thought Deshaun Watson would be that QB. SURPRISE, MOTHERFUCKER. He sucks forever, and so do you. You were already a pathetic franchise when you crawled back out of Lake Erie in 1999. Now you’re doomed to be hamstrung, both morally and football-wise, until the moon crashes into the Earth.
Browns fans are just as dumb as Steelers fans, only without the hardware to make it all worth it.
What might not suck: I really like that Zak Zinter pick they made in Round 3. Say what you will about this team (I just did), but they sure know how to put together an O-line.
HEAR IT FROM BROWNS FANS!
Jamie:
Our QB room increasingly looks like the guys who catcall you on your way to interrogating Hannibal Lecter.
Joey:
The team’s name is a color, but the logo is a different color.
Richard:
After the Browns traded for OBJ, my dad asks me if he should reserve a hotel room in Tampa during Super Bowl weekend in case the Browns make it. I talked him out of it. The Browns went 6-10 that year.
David:
See attached. I mean come on.
Rob:
We sold our soul, and the team’s future, for a rapist who isn’t even that good.
Kevin:
Imagine being able to legitimately argue that Joe Flacco is the best quarterback your team has had in *checks notes* decades. Fuck Haslam with an icicle made from Lake Erie’s nastiest industrial runoff.
Ed:
Jacoby Brissett in ‘22 and Joe Flacco in ‘23 outplayed our $230M, masseuse-abusing QB1.
Alexander:
I will never forgive the Browns for this. It will always leave a battery-acid taste in my mouth knowing we sold our souls for a chance to win and couldn’t even do that. The Haslams will move the stadium to the suburbs, and the Brads and Chads of Strongsville and Parma won’t have to trouble themselves with seeing a single black person on their way to drinking their morning 12-pack.
Don:
My best friend and I talked ourselves into traveling to the playoff game in Houston. This would be the first chance the two of us (mid 40s) could watch a Browns playoff game in person since 2003. Cost was not a factor.
The Browns trailed by 10 at half before Flacco threw TWO pick sixes in the second half. In summation, we paid $400 a ticket plus airfare and lodging to watch Paul Wall, Mike Jones and Slim Thug perform at halftime.
Dennis:
A fun fact about the Haslems is that Dee has managed her MLS club in Columbus to two titles in five years of ownership, while Jimmy is still polling hobos for Browns roster advice.
Isaac:
Right around the time the Browns clinched their playoff spot, a local singer dropped this ear-bleeder:
That right there should be enough to have the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame yoinked out of Cleveland and shipped to a more deserving city.
What made it worse is that local news anchors kept filming random fans (including one who looked a little too much like Kevin Stefanski) singing it and driving my poor dog up the wall.
Vince Guerreri:
I watched the Browns-49ers game last year with my friend and mentor, the Rev. Dr. Joe Boyle, at the Cleveland Clinic. I met Joe at the college newspaper when I arrived there in the fall of 1995. We bonded over our shared ire at the Browns moving. He bought Andre Rison and Eric Metcalf jerseys on closeout, and regularly wore them for decades afterward. He was an absolute lunatic as a Browns fan. We went to a game in 2013 against the Jaguars, and last three possessions ended with two Brandon Weeden interceptions and a Brandon Weeden fumble for a safety. Joe got so mad that the usher came to check on him. “I’ve been working here since the place opened, and you’re the angriest fan I’ve ever seen.”
By then, Joe’d been fighting cancer for more than two years. The five-year survival rate was grim, but he passed it. He passed the ten-year survival rate. But things started catching up to him. That summer, he had a stroke, losing vision in one eye. (The text I got from him that morning read as follows: “I can’t see out of one eye. Jacking off finally caught up with me.”)
In October, he went to the Clinic in a helicopter, but he was feeling well enough to take visitors. I came to see him for the Browns game, a stunning victory. When San Francisco’s Jake Moody shanked the kick, we yelled so loud that the nurse came and checked on us.
Joe actually rallied and left the hospital. He lived what passed for a normal life for another month. But he went back into the hospital, and it soon became clear he wouldn’t come back out. He died the Tuesday before Thanksgiving, two days after a stirring win over the Steelers and a day after the Browns signed Joe Flacco to the practice squad. I told the story of the Jags game for his news obit and wore a Browns tie to his funeral.
Joe watched Flacco torture the Browns. He never got to see Flacco rip off four straight wins as Browns quarterback, culminating in a playoff-clinching win over the Jets right after Christmas. That was the game where the Browns’ new sponsor, Dude Wipes offered a jersey exchange. They did not fully anticipate the demand. Every time Browns radio voice Jim Donovan had to say, “Dude Wipes: We Love Our Browns,” I could hear him die a little on the inside. But it was a time to believe in a little magic. Maybe the fates owed Joe one.
Instead, the Browns got the doors blown off against the Texans. Serves me right. I should have remembered that there is no mercy in the universe for the Browns. They haven’t been to a conference championship game since the 1980s. They haven’t won the division since the 1980s. In fact, the Browns haven’t had back-to-back winning seasons since the 1980s. And the Haslams do fundraisers for JD Vance.
Joey J:
Cleveland pundits still out here pretending the nasty man doesn’t exist.
John:
To say this franchise has mystique is like saying that tightly coiled pile your dog leaves on my lawn has aura. This team is a prison. But instead of fearing the hell I’m in, I’m beginning to appreciate the industrial decor.
Matt:
Being a Browns fan is a series of ironic punishments. Did you make fun of the Ravens for employing Ray Rice? Now you have Kareem Hunt as your RB. Did you make fun of Big Ben’s allegations and post that “Local Heroes Nab Sex Offender” meme? Now your QB has 23 victims (at least). Did you make fun of the Bengals’ white alternate helmets? Now you have them, and they’re even more generic looking. Did you make “elite” jokes about Flacco? Now he’s your savior.
Jared:
I think I preferred the team I watched most of my life: hapless, loveable lovers that everyone felt sorry for. Now I watch a moderately competitive team that hasn’t won anything but that everyone still hates.
When the Rams went with a “fuck them picks” strategy, they won a Super Bowl. My team tried that and got a serial abuser who’s only redeeming quality is that he was a good QB four years ago.
I guess it could be worse. At least I don’t have to convince myself JJ McCarthy is the answer, since we haven’t had a first round pick in 30 years.
Kyle:
Not much more can be said about why this team sucks, but I’ll try:
They fucking suck.
Thanks.
Submissions for the NFL previews are now closed. Next up: Dallas Cowboys.
Cleveland, OH
‘What are you doing here?’ Cleveland transplants say why they stay in Northeast Ohio – The Land
On Felton Thomas Jr.’s first day of work at the Cleveland Public Library, the temperature was eight degrees below zero.
“I walked down here in my Las Vegas coat,” Thomas recalls, “and everybody waiting for me said, ‘Oh, this is a normal winter day.’”
The library’s new leader was relieved to learn that his colleagues were kidding, sort of. And he’s become one of Cleveland’s many converts: people who come, stay and praise a town that many lifers pan.
So, over his 17 years here, has Thomas acclimated? “Acclimated? That’s not a word in my vocabulary,” he retorts. “When we have those super-cold days, I’m ‘Omigod!’ And three months of no sunshine drives me crazy.”
And he still hasn’t adjusted to Cleveland’s hours, either. “In Vegas, all the supermarkets are open 24 hours.”
So why has Thomas stuck around? Because of our library, of course, and lots more. “I love Las Vegas, but there’s an inauthenticity to the people. Here, people are who they are.”
And most have roots here. In Vegas, “Everybody came from somewhere else. Here, everyone wanted to know what high school I’d gone to.”
When they find out, they marvel that Thomas has come and stayed. He replies by extolling the library, the Rock Hall and the Cleveland Museum of Art, where he’s on the board. He also tells them that Superior Pho beats every restaurant he’s tried in Vietnam.
But some locals still don’t understand. “A lot of times,” he says, “folks don’t want to talk about the good things in the city of Cleveland.”
Love that Cleveland climate
It might surprise locals, especially this time of year, but President David Sharkey of Progressive Urban Real Estate says that plenty of people move to Cleveland for the weather. “People like the seasons. A young guy moved here from San Diego because he couldn’t stand the sun anymore. And I get quite a bit of people who love seeing storms come over the lake.”
Jen Ferger from Illinois finds our weather at least interesting. She’s a meteorologist who studies weather risks for insurers. “I love watching the radar here. It’s so true that the East Side gets more lake effect than the West Side, like six inches versus a dusting. That’s fascinating to me.”
She also calls Cleveland “ a mini-Chicago” without the traffic or prices. She lives near our lake and says she could never afford to live near Chicago’s coast.
From Down Under to Up Over
Most Cleveland newbies echo Thomas about being welcomed with wonder by natives. Craig Hassall, a native Australian who leads Playhouse Square, says, “I get that all the time from locals, not from other transplants: ‘What on earth are you doing here?’”
Not surprisingly, Hassall replies by praising our arts. “Cleveland punches above its weight in its presentation and consumption of culture.” He also talks up the West Side Market, Wade Chapel at Lake View Cemetery, and the Cleveland Metroparks. “I walk every day to Edgewater Park.”
Any complaints about Cleveland? “I don’t understand why Cleveland hasn’t leveraged the asset that is Lake Erie. I went out to Sandusky and took a boat out onto the lake. There were almost no boats on the water. In Sidney or Vancouver, you’d be cheek to jowl with other watercraft.”
From transplant to ambassador
Allison Newsome from Montgomery, Ala., came here to study law at Case Western Reserve University. “A lot of people who grew up in Cleveland have constantly heard it put down,” she says. “So everybody kind of had a tour guide hat on and told me lists of fun activities.”
Newsome was happily surprised by Cleveland’s green spaces, Cultural Gardens and Playhouse Square. She also found that “it was easy to make friends. People were very inviting.”
She likes it here so much, she volunteers as a resident ambassador for the Cleveland Talent Alliance, advising prospective and recent arrivals.
Ties of love
Bob Kimmelfield from suburban New York City followed a girlfriend to her native Cleveland. They broke up, but he stayed, married another woman and fell hard for the town. Now he plays in a band at local contra dances and leads jaunts for the Cleveland Hiking Club on our streets and our “incredible park system.”
Ivan Muzyka came from Ukraine with his mother to join relatives here. “It was lucky to move to a city with a big, strong Ukrainian community,” he says. “I was lucky to find a Ukrainian boyfriend.”
Some people want to be near family but not too near. Marjorie Preston likes being two hours away from relatives back home in Bowling Green. She chose Cleveland partly because it’s Democratic but regrets its grip by state and federal Republicans.
Boomeranging
Many locals boomerang. They go off to see the world, then come back, often with spouses from elsewhere.
Jerome Sheriff from Chicago followed his wife to her native Cleveland. He loves downtown’s wealth of parking spaces, mostly free on weekends. He just wishes our drivers wouldn’t stop and rubberneck so much.
Jay Dumaswala from Cincinnati also followed his wife to her native Cleveland. Now he’s another Talent Alliance ambassador. “I love the Cavs,” he says. “I love the Guardians. The Browns? I don’t understand a team that abuses its fans, and people still show up.”
Louis Gideon, an ambassador too, brought his pregnant wife from New York City to his native Cleveland, partly so his family could help with the baby. Now the couple pays less rent for a place 10 times bigger in Westlake than their apartment in New York.
Gideon likes Cleveland’s few degrees of separation. He met someone downtown who turned out to live a few doors away from him in Westlake, with kids of similar ages. “We are close friends now.”
Coming without connections
Many people move for work, school or family. But Cat Mohar and her husband moved to escape the buzzing mosquitoes and soaring home prices of Durham, N.C. After reading about Cleveland and scoping it out, they settled in Lakewood. “It’s like stuck in a 90s movie about Halloween,” she says, “where kids run freely trick-or-treating.”
Kate Smith and her future husband came here in 2018 from Truth or Consequences, N.M., with no ties. “We fell in love with the city long-distance,” she says. “The more businesses and arts organizations I began to follow, the more we began to see how unique and scrappy and proud the Cleveland vibe is.”
Since moving, “We have felt so welcome. The first Easter, neighbors invited us over who’d fostered over 50 kids.”
She also loves the zoo. “My husband proposed to me on the carousel.”
Stefanie and Mike English came from Albuquerque to Cleveland without connections. “We were a little tired of the desert,” she says. They chose Cleveland for its culture, lake and opportunities. They rehab homes and love our architecture. They’ve had trouble, though, finding good contractors and getting loans for properties in struggling neighborhoods.
Stephanie loves our many festivals. She loves our schnitzel. But “I don’t understand pierogies.”
Gain some, lose some
Of course, Cleveland has plenty of outflow as well as influx.
Rick Putka left his native Cleveland for Europe this year to flee what he sees as America’s fading economy and democracy. Michael Baron moved to New York City to enjoy its progressive politics, its energy, its diversity and his grandchildren.
Ronald Stubblefield from Baltimore came and went twice. He liked the area’s affordability, culture and strong neighborhoods. But he says, “Cleveland kept looking backward.” He saw institutions competing instead of cooperating. And “Cleveland struggles to retain ambitious Black talent that other regions readily embrace.”
Some departees still tout the town they gave up. Debbie Stone moved to California for her late husband’s career in tech law, but misses Cleveland’s art museum, orchestra and more. “I even miss the roaming deer.”
Many celebrities from Cleveland talk it up from afar. Drew Carey popularized “Cleveland Rocks.” Tom Hanks shouted “Go Tribe!” during “Saturday Night Live.” Filmmaker Joe Russo told cleveland.com that he “grew up with a real work ethic and that kind of tough-nosed Cleveland attitude… that stick-to-itiveness.”
In Juneau, Alaska, Jeff Smith runs one of the world’s many chapters of Browns Backers. He says, “I miss the restaurants in Cleveland, live music and sports, and some of my favorite places like the West Side Market, Lake View Cemetery, etc. [But] one thing I don’t miss about Cleveland is how much people complain about the weather in winter. In Alaska, people look forward to each new season.”
Cleveland, OH
Republican Ohio gov. candidate Vivek Ramaswamy to make ‘special announcement’ in Cleveland
CLEVELAND, Ohio (WOIO) – Republican Ohio governor candidate Vivek Ramaswamy shared he will make a “special announcement” in Cleveland on Wednesday evening.
The event will be held at Windows On The River in the West Bank of the Flats at 2000 Sycamore St.
The doors open at 6 p.m., and the program is scheduled to begin at 6:30 p.m.
Details of this campaign stop have yet to be released.
The announcement comes on the same day the Vivek Ramaswamy for Ohio campaign shared it raised $9.88 million during the second half of 2025, which surpassed the previous record breaking $9.77 million raised during the first half of the year, “marking the strongest fundraising performance by a gubernatorial candidate in Ohio history.”
Ramaswamy has been endorsed by President Donald Trump, Vice President JD Vance, U.S. Senators Bernie Moreno and Jon Husted, more than 70 legislators, and 65 sheriffs, the campaign listed.
On the other side of the aisle, Dr. Amy Acton is running as the Democratic Ohio governor candidate.
Acton served as the Ohio Department of Health director during the start of the COVID-19 pandemic before becoming Chief Health Advisor.
Copyright 2026 WOIO. All rights reserved.
Even as the Cleveland Cavaliers begin to turn their season around, rumors of making changes are going to follow them through the trade deadline.
The obvious names mentioned have been the underperforming stars in Jarrett Allen and Darius Garland, but it turns out, those may not be the only names on the trade block.
One name who has been named in trade rumors has been long-time Cavaliers Dean Wade, who is currently serving as a fringe starter amongst injuries in Cleveland.
“I’ve been told that Dean Wade on the Cleveland Cavaliers is very likely to be moved, and he’s kind of preparing to be moved before the trade deadline,” Brett Siegel of ClutchPoints said.
In his latest NBA intel video, @BrettSiegelNBA said this about Dean Wade at the 26:00 mark:
“I’ve been told that Dean Wade on the Cleveland Cavaliers is very likely to be moved, and he’s kind of preparing to be moved before the trade deadline.”https://t.co/oYiZVZbEII — RealCavsFans.com (@realcavsfans) January 1, 2026
Siegel added he believed Wade had some value in the offseason, but the Cavaliers opted to keep hold of him into the regular season. Teams have kept their eyes on him though, and have checked if he’s available.
He added the Houston Rockets as a team that has done their research on adding a stretch big like Wade, while also naming the Denver Nuggets as a new team that could be interested after facing recent injuries.
Wade has been a member of the Cavaliers since the 2019-20 season. He has averaged 5.3 points and 3.6 rebounds per game, acting as a serviceable stretch big in Cleveland’s rotation.
He has briefly cracked the starting lineup from time to time, making 134 starts in his career so far, but hasn’t been able to hold down a long term spot in the starting unit. He has never started more than 32 games in a season.
This year, Wade has been one of the few consistently healthy players. He’s played in 33 games, starting 12, and averaged 5.9 points. His shooting splits are currently under his career averages as he’s hitting on just under 40% of his shots.
Wade fills a slightly unique role in Cleveland as a 6’ 9” big who specializes in three point shots. If he leaves, guys like Nae’Qwan Tomlin and Larry Nance Jr. will need to step up to fill those big minutes, while a guy like Max Strus would need to comeback from injury and be productive to make up for the shooting.
Wade’s time in Cleveland has been memorable. Fans will remember his historic game in 2024 where he scored 20 points in the fourth quarter to defeat the Boston Celtics 105-104. If this is the end of his time here, he should be remembered as one of Cleveland’s best role players this decade.
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