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Want to help a friend after a breakup? Your first instinct is wrong

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Want to help a friend after a breakup? Your first instinct is wrong

It’s hard to know what to do or say when a loved one is in the throes of a devastating breakup. No matter what you try — talking about it, not talking about it, vilifying the ex, coming up with fun distractions — they remain consumed with grief. Is there a right way to ease the pain?

There is, according to experts. Although every heartbreak is different, a few basic strategies can help us avoid well-meaning pitfalls and provide thoughtful support to a loved one grieving the gut-wrenching loss of a partner. The key, therapists and academics say, is remembering you can’t make the heartache disappear. What you can offer instead is empathy, validation and a place for your friend to share their feelings without judgment.

“If you can create a space to sit with their pain and let them know you are not going to try to fix it or change it, you are doing quite a lot right there,” said Tamala Black, a psychologist based in Culver City who specializes in trauma. “Everyone has their own pace for when they are ready to release that heartache and let go.”

Understanding heartbreak

Someone in the midst of a painful breakup is experiencing a number of losses all at once. Even if the relationship was toxic, even if your friend initiated the split, they may still be mourning the loss of their identity as part of a couple, the loss of a close friend and companion and the loss of an imagined future. They may also be cycling through regret, internalized shame and self-blame for the relationship ending.

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“Love is a fundamental human need, and being in a long-term relationship can shape our reality by altering how we see ourselves and the world,” said Ron Rogge, an associate professor of psychology at the University of Rochester in New York. “When that relationship falls apart, it’s life shattering. Your identity is fractured.”

A breakup can also lead to chemical changes in the body. Sex and heightened skin-to-skin contact cause us to release oxytocin, a hormone that is associated with feelings of calmness, security and joy. The experience of falling and being in love releases high levels of dopamine, a hormone that activates a reward circuit in the brain that leads to feelings of euphoria. When a person suddenly finds themselves broken up from a beloved partner, a steady stream of feel-good chemicals is abruptly cut off.

“It’s kind of like a withdrawal,” Black said. “It’s as if all this love, all this care, the physical touch, the outings — it doesn’t have a place to exist anymore.”

Avoiding pitfalls

Seeing a friend in this altered state can cause your own heart to break, but trying to immediately fix the problem won’t help. “You can’t heal someone’s pain by trying to reduce it,” Black said.

With that in mind, when a friend is reeling from a recent breakup, Rogge suggests refraining from giving advice unless that person specifically asks for it. “Remember that they’re in the midst of a hurricane of emotions and they don’t need to learn any lessons or make any decisions right now,” Rogge said.

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If your friend does ask for advice, you can offer your perspective. But choose your words carefully. “You want to share your thoughts and feelings in a gentle way,” he said.

You may also feel tempted to share stories of your own past breakups and how you got over them, but that can be counterproductive. “That’s really, really not helpful,” Black said. “It often causes the person to close up emotionally.”

And crucially, you should try to resist bashing the ex-partner in question. For those who feel protective of friends’ well-being, this can be incredibly difficult (especially if we never liked the ex in the first place). But Rogge says it’s worth the effort to hold back.

“It’s a dangerous thing to do,” Rogge said. “They often still love that person and see that person as a part of themselves they are grieving. And there’s always the risk that they will get back together.”

If they do get back together after you’ve trashed their ex, your friend may feel they can no longer trust you, he said.

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Bad-mouthing a friend’s former partner usually won’t have the effect you hoped for, anyway. Many people romanticize their ex at the end of a relationship and long to reconnect with their fantasy of that person, Black said. Disparaging a friend’s ex might paradoxically cause your friend to feel defensive of them, making it harder for them to let go.

Showing up

So what can a caring friend do to support a loved one in the midst of a heartbreak? The answer is deceptively simple: Show up and leave your expectations at the door.

“A good friend will reach out and let the person know you are not afraid of their sadness,” said Becky White, founder and chief executive of Root to Rise Therapy in L.A. “It’s letting them know, ‘I don’t need you to be happy or positive. I’m here for you and I’m not going to hide or be scared off.’”

Rogge suggests letting your friend talk as long as they like, listening with an open heart and validating their emotions. ”Letting them know it makes sense to hurt like this is very helpful,” he said. “It validates their feelings and gives them permission to accept those feelings, experience them and allow them to begin to pass.”

As far as activities that might provide that kind of comfort, there’s plenty you can do beyond watching rom-coms on the couch with Häagen-Dazs in hand. You might also offer to accompany them on outings they used to share with their partner, like grocery shopping or grabbing breakfast on a Saturday morning, Rogge said. “That can mean a lot as they are putting their life back together — just knowing they don’t have to do this all by themselves.”

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Be aware of situations that might be triggering — the smell of a certain perfume or cologne, a favorite song or seeing a TV show they watched with their ex can cause someone to spiral. If your friend has to go to a place where they might run into their ex — a child’s school concert or a religious service — you can offer to go with them as support. It’s OK for them to avoid those places for a few weeks after a breakup, but they shouldn’t abandon them all together. “Be careful of too much change all at once,” Black said. “You don’t want them to detach from their normal ways of navigating life.”

Anticipating the moments that they might feel especially lonesome can go a long way. For example: reaching out on Valentine’s Day or Christmas — holidays they used to spend with their partner.

“Asking them to call us and letting us know what they need puts another burden on them,” Black said. “What we want to do is recognize what they need.”

Though no one recovers from grief overnight, pay attention to the amount of time a friend is in a dark place. If it’s been more than six months, or if you notice they are withdrawing, neglecting responsibilities or abusing substances you might suggest they find a mental health professional to talk to, and offer them help in finding one.

“We never want to diagnose our friends, but grieving or sadness that results in isolation, withdrawing — if they aren’t eating or stop answering phone calls for a long duration of time — that’s more than sadness, that’s depression,” Black said.

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And finally, remember that judgment only adds salt to the wound.

“Whether the relationship was healthy, whether they were ready to separate or not, that person is really trying to grapple with what does it feel like to be an individual again,” Black said. “No heartbreak is greater than another.”

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Found: The 19th century silent film that first captured a robot attack

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Found: The 19th century silent film that first captured a robot attack

A screenshot from George Mélière’s Gugusse et l’Automate. The pioneering French filmmaker’s 1897 short, which likely features the first known depiction of a robot on film, was thought lost until it was found among a box of old reels that had belonged to a family in Michigan and restored by the Library of Congress.

The Frisbee Collection/Library of Congress


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The Frisbee Collection/Library of Congress

The Library of Congress has found and restored a long-lost silent film by Georges Méliès.

The famed 19th century French filmmaker is best known for his groundbreaking 1902 science fiction adventure masterpiece Le Voyage dans la Lune (A Trip to the Moon).

The 45-second-long, one-reel short Gugusse et l’AutomateGugusse and the Automaton – was made nearly 130 years ago. But the subject matter still feels timely. The film, which can be viewed on the Library of Congress’ website, depicts a child-sized robot clown who grows to the size of an adult and then attacks a human clown with a stick. The human then decimates the machine with a hammer.

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In an Instagram post, Library of Congress moving image curator Jason Evans Groth said the film represents, “probably the first instance of a robot ever captured in a moving image.” (The word “robot” didn’t appear until 1921, when Czech dramatist Karel Čapek coined it in his science fiction play R.U.R..)

“Today, many of us are worried about AI and robots,” said archivist and filmmaker Rick Prelinger, in an email to NPR. “Well, people were thinking about robots in 1897. Very little is new.”

A long journey

Groth said the film arrived in a box last September from a donor in Michigan, Bill McFarland. “Bill’s great grandfather, William Frisbee, was a person who loved technology,” Groth said. “And in the late 19th century, must have bought a projector and a bunch of films and decided to drive them around in his buggy to share them with folks in Pennsylvania, Ohio, New York.”

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McFarland didn’t know what was on the 10 rusty reels he dropped off at the Library of Congress’ National Audio-Visual Conservation Center in Culpeper, Va. A Library article about the discovery describes the battered, pre-World War I artifacts as having been, “shuttled around from basements to barns to garages,” and that they, “could no longer be safely run through a projector,” owing to their delicate condition. “The nitrate film stock had crumbled to bits on some; other strips were stuck together,” the article said. It was a lab technician in Michigan who suggested McFarland contact the Library of Congress.

“The moment we set our eyes on this box of film, we knew it was something special,” said George Willeman, who heads up the Library’s nitrate film vault, in the article.

Willeman’s team carefully inspected the trove of footage, which also contained another well-known Méliès film, Nouvelles Luttes extravagantes (The Fat and Lean Wrestling Match) and parts of The Burning Stable, an early Thomas Edison work. With the help of an external expert, they identified the reel as having been created by Méliès because it features a star painted on a pedestal in the center of the screen – the logo for Méliès Star Film Company.

A pioneering filmmaker

Méliès was one of the great pioneers of cinema. The scene in which a rocket lands playfully in the eye of Méliès’ anthropomorphic moon in Le Voyage dans la Lune is one of the most famous moments in cinematic history. And he helped to popularize such special effects as multiple exposures and time-lapse photography.

This moment from George Méliès' Le Voyage dans la Lune (A Trip to the Moon) is considered to be one of the most famous in cinematic history.

This moment from George Méliès’ Le Voyage dans la Lune (A Trip to the Moon) is considered to be one of the most famous in cinematic history.

George Méliès/Public Domain

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Presumed lost until the Library of Congress’s discovery, Gugusse et L’Automate loomed large in the imaginations of science fiction and early cinema buffs for more than a century. In their 1977 book Things to Come: An Illustrated History of the Science Fiction Film, authors Douglas Menville and R. Reginald described Gugusse as possibly being, “the first true SF [science fiction] film.”

“While it may seem that no more discoveries remain to be made, that’s not the case,” said Prelinger of the work’s reappearance. “Here’s a genuine discovery from the early days of film that no one anticipated.”

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Joshua Jackson Works Out Shirtless at a Boxing Gym in LA, On Video

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Joshua Jackson Works Out Shirtless at a Boxing Gym in LA, On Video

Joshua Jackson
I Got the Eye of the Tiger!!!

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‘The Fall and Rise of Reggie Dinkins’ falls before it rises — but then it soars

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‘The Fall and Rise of Reggie Dinkins’ falls before it rises — but then it soars

Tracy Morgan, left, and Daniel Radcliffe star in The Fall and Rise of Reggie Dinkins.

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Tracy Morgan, as a presence, as a persona, bends the rules of comedy spacetime around him.

Consider: He’s constitutionally incapable of tossing off a joke or an aside, because he never simply delivers a line when he can declaim it instead. He can’t help but occupy the center of any given scene he’s in — his abiding, essential weirdness inevitably pulls focus. Perhaps most mystifying to comedy nerds is the way he can take a breath in the middle of a punchline and still, somehow, land it.

That? Should be impossible. Comedy depends on, is entirely a function of, timing; jokes are delicate constructs of rhythms that take time and practice to beat into shape for maximum efficiency. But never mind that. Give this guy a non-sequitur, the nonner the better, and he’ll shout that sucker at the top of his fool lungs, and absolutely kill, every time.

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Well. Not every time, and not everywhere. Because Tracy Morgan is a puzzle piece so oddly shaped he won’t fit into just any world. In fact, the only way he works is if you take the time and effort to assiduously build the entire puzzle around him.

Thankfully, the makers of his new series, The Fall and Rise of Reggie Dinkins, understand that very specific assignment. They’ve built the show around Morgan’s signature profile and paired him with an hugely unlikely comedy partner (Daniel Radcliffe).

The co-creators/co-showrunners are Robert Carlock, who was one of the showrunners on 30 Rock and co-created The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, and Sam Means, who also worked on Girls5eva with Carlock and has written for 30 Rock and Kimmy Schmidt.

These guys know exactly what Morgan can do, even if 30 Rock relegated him to function as a kind of comedy bomb-thrower. He’d enter a scene, lob a few loud, puzzling, hilarious references that would blow up the situation onscreen, and promptly peace out through the smoke and ash left in his wake.

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That can’t happen on Reggie Dinkins, as Tracy is the center of both the show, and the show-within-the-show. He plays a former NFL star disgraced by a gambling scandal who’s determined to redeem himself in the public eye. He brings in an Oscar-winning documentarian Arthur Tobin (Radcliffe) to make a movie about him and his current life.

Tobin, however, is determined to create an authentic portrait of a fallen hero, and keeps goading Dinkins to express remorse — or anything at all besides canned, feel-good platitudes. He embeds himself in Dinkins’ palatial New Jersey mansion, alongside Dinkins’ fiancée Brina (Precious Way), teenage son Carmelo (Jalyn Hall) and his former teammate Rusty (Bobby Moynihan), who lives in the basement.

If you’re thinking this means Reggie Dinkins is a show satirizing the recent rise of toothless, self-flattering documentaries about athletes and performers produced in collaboration with their subjects, you’re half-right. The show feints at that tension with some clever bits over the course of the season, but it’s never allowed to develop into a central, overarching conflict, because the show’s more interested in the affinity between Dinkins and Tobin.

Tobin, it turns out, is dealing with his own public disgrace — his emotional breakdown on the set of a blockbuster movie he was directing has gone viral — and the show becomes about exploring what these two damaged men can learn from each other.

On paper, sure: It’s an oil-and-water mixture: Dinkins (loud, rich, American, Black) and Tobin (uptight, pretentious, British, practically translucent). Morgan’s in his element, and if you’re not already aware of what a funny performer Radcliffe can be, check him out on the late lamented Miracle Workers.

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Whenever these two characters are firing fusillades of jokes at each other, the series sings. But, especially in the early going, the showrunners seem determined to put Morgan and Radcliffe together in quieter, more heartfelt scenes that don’t quite work. It’s too reductive to presume this is because Morgan is a comedian and Radcliffe is an actor, but it’s hard to deny that they’re coming at those moments from radically different places, and seem to be directing their energies past each other in ways that never quite manage to connect.

Precious Way as Brina

Precious Way as Brina.

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It’s one reason the show flounders out of the gate, as typical pilot problems pile up — every secondary character gets introduced in a hurry and assigned a defining characteristic: Brina (the influencer), Rusty (the loser), Carmelo (the TV teen). It takes a bit too long for even the great Erika Alexander, who plays Dinkins’ ex-wife and current manager Monica, to get something to play besides the uber-competent, work-addicted businesswoman.

But then, there are the jokes. My god, these jokes.

Reggie Dinkins, like 30 Rock and Kimmy Schmidt before it, is a joke machine, firing off bit after bit after bit. But where those shows were only too happy to exist as high-key joke-engines first, and character comedies second, Dinkins is operating in a slightly lower register. It’s deliberately pitched to feel a bit more grounded, a bit less frenetic. (To be fair: Every show in the history of the medium can be categorized as more grounded and less frenetic than 30 Rock and Kimmy Schmidt — but Reggie Dinkins expressly shares those series’ comedic approach, if not their specific joke density.)

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While the hit rate of Reggie Dinkins‘ jokes never achieves 30 Rock status, rest assured that in episodes coming later in the season it comfortably hovers at Kimmy Schmidt level. Which is to say: Two or three times an episode, you will encounter a joke that is so perfect, so pure, so diamond-hard that you will wonder how it has taken human civilization until 2026 Common Era to discover it.

And that’s the key — they feel discovered. The jokes I’m talking about don’t seem painstakingly wrought, though of course they were. No, they feel like they have always been there, beneath the earth, biding their time, just waiting to be found. (Here, you no doubt will be expecting me to provide some examples. Well, I’m not gonna. It’s not a critic’s job to spoil jokes this good by busting them out in some lousy review. Just watch the damn show to experience them as you’re meant to; you’ll know which ones I’m talking about.)

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Now, let’s you and I talk about Bobby Moynihan.

As Rusty, Dinkins’ devoted ex-teammate who lives in the basement, Moynihan could have easily contented himself to play Pathetic Guy™ and leave it at that. Instead, he invests Rusty with such depths of earnest, deeply felt, improbably sunny emotions that he solidifies his position as show MVP with every word, every gesture, every expression. The guy can shuffle into the far background of a shot eating cereal and get a laugh, which is to say: He can be literally out-of-focus and still steal focus.

Which is why it doesn’t matter, in the end, that the locus of Reggie Dinkins‘ comedic energy isn’t found precisely where the show’s premise (Tracy Morgan! Daniel Radcliffe! Imagine the chemistry!) would have you believe it to be. This is a very, very funny — frequently hilarious — series that prizes well-written, well-timed, well-delivered jokes, and that knows how to use its actors to serve them up in the best way possible. And once it shakes off a few early stumbles and gets out of its own way, it does that better than any show on television.

This piece also appeared in NPR’s Pop Culture Happy Hour newsletter. Sign up for the newsletter so you don’t miss the next one, plus get weekly recommendations about what’s making us happy.

Listen to Pop Culture Happy Hour on Apple Podcasts and Spotify.

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