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Should you lend money to your loved ones? NPR listeners weigh in

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Should you lend money to your loved ones? NPR listeners weigh in

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Photo illustration by Becky Harlan/NPR


Photo illustration by Becky Harlan/NPR

Has a friend or family member ever asked to borrow money from you?

Earlier this month, Life Kit asked our audience this question for an episode we did on the social etiquette of lending money. The act of generosity can unite people in times of hardship. But it can also complicate relationships — especially if the borrower doesn’t pay the loan back.

We received nearly 50 emails on the matter. Many of you reiterated a general rule we discussed in the episode: if a loved one asks for a loan, give the money as a gift if you can afford it.

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But we also heard different perspectives. Some of you told us how lending money destroyed your friendships. Some offered advice on how to get money back from a negligent borrower. And others shared heartening stories about how the funds changed a person’s life.

Here is a selection of listener responses. These have been edited for length and clarity.

Use the loan as a teaching moment

Early in their marriage, my son and daughter-in-law had trouble making their paychecks stretch — and started asking my hubby and me for money.

I said yes with a couple of strings attached. First, it would only be a one-time thing. Second, they had to keep track, in writing, of how the money was being spent so I could see where the money was going. They were not thrilled with the idea, especially because I would see how they spent their money, but I didn’t care.

The exercise made them aware of where the money went. It only took a couple of months and they were living within their means. They are now doing well. They purchased a house they could afford when interest rates were low. —Joan Shurtliff

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Saving my friend from high interest rates

My friend had a situation where she was in credit card debt on a card with a high interest rate, so I paid it off for her. It was over $500. I told her to pay me back over time.

It didn’t make sense to me that she should waste money on interest. My parents fronted me money for two months of credit card bills between college and my first post-college job. I paid them back after I had some paychecks under my belt. My friend’s family doesn’t have that luxury, and I don’t think she should be penalized for that. —Yvonne Marcoux

Don’t be afraid to ask for your money back

A college classmate of mine was hard on his luck. He had become unemployed for a spell and was having difficulties making ends meet. He asked if he could borrow money. I lent him $500 with the expectation that when things were better, he would pay me back.

After about two years, I called it in. I felt uncomfortable because I couldn’t tell for sure if he actually had the means to do so, but he was now employed. It took him a couple months, but he paid me back in full. —Mariann Duya

Consider their character

One day, a good friend of mine — a former roommate and tenant — sent an email to me and some friends. He just lost his job and humbly asked all of us if he we could loan him money for one month’s rent.

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It was unusual for him to ask for such a loan. My friend is a hardworking man who is responsible with his money. He was a dependable roommate and tenant who always paid on time.

I consulted with my wife. She suggested that we lend him the full amount and consider it a gift. We were in a financial position where we could afford to do so. My friend was very grateful. From what I understand, we were the only ones in the group email to lend him money.

About a year later, after he found another job and got back on his feet again, he paid us back in full. It was a pleasant but not total surprise considering his character and our friendship. Though we were totally fine with letting the money go as a gift, it was nice to know that friends can keep their word too. —Oscar Fornoles

So far, so good

I often lend money to family, partners, friends and coworkers. I even proactively offer loans. They also lend me money. I can only remember one issue over very little money that I lended to a guy I didn’t know well. Maybe I’m lucky? Maybe it’s my environment? Do I choose my friends well? —Daniel Garzón

Glad I made it a gift

Several years ago I loaned $500 to a longtime friend. She was going through a hard time after a rough divorce. Out of compassion for her situation I wanted to help.

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But before I did that, I asked myself if I was prepared to never see that money again. I’m glad the answer was yes — because she never paid me back or ever mentioned it. —Salvatrice Kemper

Thank you to everyone who responded to our call out. To take part in our next audience-generated story — and get great life advice from experts — sign up for Life Kit’s weekly newsletter.

This story was edited by Meghan Keane. The visual editor is Beck Harlan. We’d love to hear from you. Leave us a voicemail at 202-216-9823, or email us at LifeKit@npr.org.

Listen to Life Kit on Apple Podcasts and Spotify, and sign up for our newsletter.

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Timothée Chalamet brings a lot to the table in ‘Marty Supreme’

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Timothée Chalamet brings a lot to the table in ‘Marty Supreme’

Timothée Chalamet plays a shoe salesman who dreams of becoming the greatest table tennis player in the world in Marty Supreme.

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Last year, while accepting a Screen Actors Guild award for A Complete Unknown, Timothée Chalamet told the audience, “I want to be one of the greats; I’m inspired by the greats.” Many criticized him for his immodesty, but I found it refreshing: After all, Chalamet has never made a secret of his ambition in his interviews or his choice of material.

In his best performances, you can see both the character and the actor pushing themselves to greatness, the way Chalamet did playing Bob Dylan in A Complete Unknown, which earned him the second of two Oscar nominations. He’s widely expected to receive a third for his performance in Josh Safdie’s thrilling new movie, Marty Supreme, in which Chalamet pushes himself even harder still.

Chalamet plays Marty Mauser, a 23-year-old shoe salesman in 1952 New York who dreams of being recognized as the greatest table-tennis player in the world. He’s a brilliant player, but for a poor Lower East Side Jewish kid like Marty, playing brilliantly isn’t enough: Simply getting to championship tournaments in London and Tokyo will require money he doesn’t have.

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And so Marty, a scrappy, speedy dynamo with a silver tongue and inhuman levels of chutzpah, sets out to borrow, steal, cheat, sweet-talk and hustle his way to the top. He spends almost the entire movie on the run, shaking down friends and shaking off family members, hatching new scams and fleeing the folks he’s already scammed, and generally trying to extricate himself from disasters of his own making.

Marty is very loosely based on the real-life table-tennis pro Marty Reisman. But as a character, he’s cut from the same cloth as the unstoppable antiheroes of Uncut Gems and Good Time, both of which Josh Safdie directed with his brother Benny. Although Josh directed Marty Supreme solo, the ferocious energy of his filmmaking is in line with those earlier New York nail-biters, only this time with a period setting. Most of the story unfolds against a seedy, teeming postwar Manhattan, superbly rendered by the veteran production designer Jack Fisk as a world of shadowy game rooms and rundown apartments.

Early on, though, Marty does make his way to London, where he finagles a room at the same hotel as Kay Stone, a movie star past her 1930s prime. She’s played by Gwyneth Paltrow, in a luminous and long-overdue return to the big screen. Marty is soon having a hot fling with Kay, even as he tries to swindle her ruthless businessman husband, Milton Rockwell, played by the Canadian entrepreneur and Shark Tank regular Kevin O’Leary.

Marty Supreme is full of such ingenious, faintly meta bits of stunt casting. The rascally independent filmmaker Abel Ferrara turns up as a dog-loving mobster. The real-life table-tennis star Koto Kawaguchi plays a Japanese champ who beats Marty in London and leaves him spoiling for a rematch. And Géza Röhrig, from the Holocaust drama Son of Saul, pops up as Marty’s friend Bela Kletzki, a table tennis champ who survived Auschwitz. Bela tells his story in one of the film’s best and strangest scenes, a death-camp flashback that proves crucial to the movie’s meaning.

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In one early scene, Marty brags to some journalists that he’s “Hitler’s worst nightmare.” It’s not a stretch to read Marty Supreme as a kind of geopolitical parable, culminating in an epic table-tennis match, pitting a Jewish player against a Japanese one, both sides seeking a hard-won triumph after the horrors of World War II.

The personal victory that Marty seeks would also be a symbolic one, striking a blow for Jewish survival and assimilation — and regeneration: I haven’t yet mentioned a crucial subplot involving Marty’s close friend Rachel, terrifically played by Odessa A’zion, who’s carrying his child and gets sucked into his web of lies.

Josh Safdie, who co-wrote and co-edited the film with Ronald Bronstein, doesn’t belabor his ideas. He’s so busy entertaining you, as Marty ping-pongs from one catastrophe to the next, that you’d be forgiven for missing what’s percolating beneath the movie’s hyperkinetic surface.

Marty himself, the most incorrigible movie protagonist in many a moon, has already stirred much debate; many find his company insufferable and his actions indefensible. But the movies can be a wonderfully amoral medium, and I found myself liking Marty Mauser — and not just liking him, but actually rooting for him to succeed. It takes more than a good actor to pull that off. It takes one of the greats.

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The Best of BoF 2025: A Year of Global Upheaval

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The Best of BoF 2025: A Year of Global Upheaval
Trade turmoil, luxury’s slowdown and shifting consumer behaviours reshaped global fashion in 2025, pressuring manufacturers from Vietnam to China while opening frontiers in India, Africa and Latin America. But creative resilience and bold investment signalled where the industry may find its next wave of growth.
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Hungarian filmmaker Béla Tarr — known for bleak, existential movies — has died

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Hungarian filmmaker Béla Tarr — known for bleak, existential movies — has died

Hungarian director Béla Tarr at the Berlin International Film Festival in 2011.

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Béla Tarr, the Hungarian arthouse director best known for his bleak, existential and challenging films, including Sátántangó and Werckmeister Harmonies, has died at the age of 70. The Hungarian Filmmakers’ Association shared a statement on Tuesday announcing Tarr’s passing after a serious illness, but did not specify further details.

Tarr was born in communist-era Hungary in 1955 and made his filmmaking debut in 1979 with Family Nest, the first of nine feature films that would culminate in his 2011 film The Turin Horse. Damnation, released in 1988 at the Berlin International Film Festival, was his first film to draw global acclaim, and launched Tarr from a little-known director of social dramas to a fixture on the international film festival circuit.

Tarr’s reputation for films tinged with misery and hard-heartedness, distinguished by black-and-white cinematography and unusually long sequences, only grew throughout the 1990s and 2000s, particularly after his 1994 film Sátántangó. The epic drama, following a Hungarian village facing the fallout of communism, is best known for its length, clocking in at seven-and-a-half hours.

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Based on the novel by Hungarian writer László Krasznahorkai, who won the Nobel Prize in Literature last year and frequently collaborated with Tarr, the film became a touchstone for the “slow cinema” movement, with Tarr joining the ranks of directors such as Andrei Tarkovsky, Chantal Akerman and Theo Angelopoulos. Writer and critic Susan Sontag hailed Sátántangó as “devastating, enthralling for every minute of its seven hours.”

Tarr’s next breakthrough came in 2000 with his film Werckmeister Harmonies, the first of three movies co-directed by his partner, the editor Ágnes Hranitzky. Another loose adaptation of a Krasznahorkai novel, the film depicts the strange arrival of a circus in a small town in Hungary. With only 39 shots making up the film’s two-and-a-half-hour runtime, Tarr’s penchant for long takes was on full display.

Like Sátántangó, it was a major success with both critics and the arthouse crowd. Both films popularized Tarr’s style and drew the admiration of independent directors such as Jim Jarmusch and Gus Van Sant, the latter of which cited Tarr as a direct influence on his films: “They get so much closer to the real rhythms of life that it is like seeing the birth of a new cinema. He is one of the few genuinely visionary filmmakers.”

The actress Tilda Swinton is another admirer of Tarr’s, and starred in the filmmaker’s 2007 film The Man from London. At the premiere, Tarr announced that his next film would be his last. That 2011 film, The Turin Horse, was typically bleak but with an apocalyptic twist, following a man and his daughter as they face the end of the world. The film won the Grand Jury Prize at the Berlin International Film Festival.

After the release of The Turin Horse, Tarr opened an international film program in 2013 called film.factory as part of the Sarajevo Film Academy. He led and taught in the school for four years, inviting various filmmakers and actors to teach workshops and mentor students, including Swinton, Van Sant, Jarmusch, Juliette Binoche and Gael García Bernal.

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In the last years of his life, he worked on a number of artistic projects, including an exhibition at a film museum in Amsterdam. He remained politically outspoken throughout his life, condemning the rise of nationalism and criticizing the government of Hungarian leader Viktor Orbán.

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