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My Therapist Fired Me After I Confessed to a Sexual Dream About Her

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My Therapist Fired Me After I Confessed to a Sexual Dream About Her

I am a veteran with PTSD, depression, anxiety and marital discord. The Veterans Affairs Department has been paying for me to see a therapist. At my last session, I shared with my therapist that I’d had a sexual dream about her. I did not share any specifics about the dream, and I did not say or suggest that I have a crush on her. (I do not.)

My therapist blew up at me, saying that this is something you should not bring up to a therapist. The next day I felt so bad about the incident that I texted the therapist and apologized. I told her I was embarrassed and would never share something like that again. She did not reply.

Two days later, I received a phone call from her receptionist telling me that my therapist was terminating therapy with me.

For the record, the therapist never told me any topic was off limits. In fact, she told me that therapy was a safe place to share any issues I wanted to bring up. I remember asking her, “I can tell you anything?” and she said, “Yes, anything.”

I feel confused and abandoned. She was the only person I could share anything with and not feel judged. This is how a lot of vets feel if we share anything terrible we had done or failed to do while on active duty. I don’t think I will ever trust a therapist again.

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I feel lost, alone and hurt. Can you offer any guidance?

From the Therapist:

I’m so sorry that this happened to you, because you did absolutely nothing wrong. Instead, your therapist’s wrongdoing has left you in a deeply upsetting predicament. A therapist should create a truly safe space, and it’s devastating when trust in your therapist is broken. What you’ve experienced — especially after sharing something so delicately personal — is not only hurtful but also destabilizing.

In therapy, you have every right to bring up a dream — even if it’s about your therapist and even if it’s sexual — and to trust that the therapist will handle whatever you bring into those conversations with skill, compassion and professionalism. Before I suggest how to navigate this breach, I think it might help you to understand how this disclosure should have been handled.

When people go to therapy, two dynamics typically emerge — transference and countertransference. Transference occurs when patients direct feelings related to a person in their lives onto the therapist. If, for example, you have a problematic relationship with a family member who you feel is controlling, you might transfer those feelings of being controlled onto your therapist whenever she suggests an intervention for you to try.

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These feelings can range from anger to adoration, and romantic or erotic transference can occur when a therapist reminds a patient of a past romantic partner or love object, or when an earlier need is being fulfilled by the therapist: unconditional acceptance, a safe environment, emotional intimacy, or feeling seen or valued or protected. Dreams are often the subconscious mind’s way of processing complex emotions, and transference can be very useful if the therapist helps the patient identify this process as a way to gain insight into underlying feelings.

But something seems to have interfered with your therapist’s ability to do this. In training, therapists learn to recognize their own feelings of transference toward the patient — what’s known as countertransference. A therapist whose patient reminds her of her impossible-to-please mother may start to feel helpless and begin to resent this patient. Or a therapist may overidentify with a patient who struggles with a similar issue to one that the clinician dealt with in the past (divorce, an alcoholic parent), and become unable to disentangle the patient’s feelings and experiences from the therapist’s own.

As with transference, countertransference needs to be brought to light and processed. But while transference is discussed in the therapy session, therapists process their countertransference by receiving feedback from other clinicians (or their own therapists) to avoid muddying the work they’re doing to help their patients.

We have a saying in therapy: If it’s hysterical, it’s historical. Generally when people have intense reactions, there’s some history at play. It sounds as if your therapist had a strong emotional reaction to your dream but didn’t adequately explore what was underlying it. She made your dream the issue, instead of understanding her problematic feelings about your dream. In doing so, she violated the sanctity of the clinician-patient relationship by shaming and then abandoning you, causing you pain, preventing you from processing this disturbing experience and leaving you without closure or continuity of care.

Your therapist’s sudden withdrawal reinforced the very fear many veterans who are managing PTSD, depression, anxiety or trauma experience: that vulnerability leads to abandonment.

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But this experience, though deeply painful, doesn’t mean that you should give up on therapy altogether. You deserve a therapist who will walk alongside you and give you room to process whatever you’ve been through, without judgment or fear of abandonment. Your therapist’s actions have rocked the foundation of your trust, but I believe you can rebuild it with the right support from a different clinician.

You can start by sharing your experience with the appropriate mental health resource coordinator, who can discuss your options on how to handle the situation with your former therapist (for instance, by filing a complaint so that other patients won’t have to endure something similar) and provide you with referrals to a new therapist who has been thoroughly vetted.

Interview two or three therapists by requesting a consultation before you begin treatment, and tell each of them what happened to you and the effect it had on you — that you are grieving the loss of the relationship you had, feel betrayed by a person you trusted, are hesitant to open up to a therapist again and are seeking someone who can help you to move forward from that experience and heal the wounds that brought you to therapy in the first place. See how each therapist responds, and notice with whom you feel most comfortable.

Finally, I want you to know that you’re not alone. Although it may feel that way right now, there are people who understand the layers of what you went through and will be there to support you.

Want to Ask the Therapist? If you have a question, email askthetherapist@nytimes.com. By submitting a query, you agree to our reader submission terms. This column is not a substitute for professional medical advice.

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‘Wait Wait’ for April 18. 2026: With Not My Job guest Phil Pritchard

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‘Wait Wait’ for April 18. 2026: With Not My Job guest Phil Pritchard

Phil Pritchard of the Hockey Hall of Fame works the 2019 NHL Awards at the Mandalay Bay Events Center on June 19, 2019 in Las Vegas, Nevada. (Photo by Bruce Bennett/Getty Images)

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This week’s show was recorded in Chicago with host Peter Sagal, judge and guest scorekeeper Alzo Slade, Not My Job guest Phil Pritchard and panelists Alonzo Bodden, Adam Burke, and Dulcé Sloan. Click the audio link above to hear the whole show.

Who’s Alzo This Time

The Don Vs The Poppa; World’s Worst Doctor; Should We Eat That?

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Panel Questions

Big Cheese News!

Bluff The Listener

Our panelists tell three stories about someone missing a huge opportunity in the news, only one of which is true.

Not My Job: Phil Pritchard, the NHL’s Keeper of the Stanley Cup, answers three questions about the other NHL, National Historic Landmarks

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Peter talks to Phil Pritchard, the NHL’s Keeper of the Stanley Cup. Phil plays our game called, “Let’s Go Visit The NHL” Three questions about National Historic Landmarks.

Panel Questions

The Trump Dump and Air Traffic Control Becomes Animal Control

Limericks

Alzo Slade reads three news-related limericks: Spice Up Your Spring Cleaning; A Fizzy Meaty Drink; The Right Way to Eat Peeps.

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Lightning Fill In The Blank

All the news we couldn’t fit anywhere else

Predictions

Our panelists predict the next big AirBnB story in the news

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How to have the best Sunday in L.A., according to Paul W. Downs

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How to have the best Sunday in L.A., according to Paul W. Downs

Paul W. Downs can’t help it that even on the weekends, his life intersects with “Hacks,” the HBO comedy he co-created and co-showruns with his wife, Lucia Aniello, and their friend Jen Statsky. (He also appears on the show as Jimmy LuSaque Jr., the besieged manager of its two stars, played by Emmy winners Jean Smart and Hannah Einbinder.) The fifth and final season of “Hacks” premiered last week, but on Downs’ days off, he often finds himself at its previous filming locations or hanging out with cast members who have become like family.

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In Sunday Funday, L.A. people give us a play-by-play of their ideal Sunday around town. Find ideas and inspiration on where to go, what to eat and how to enjoy life on the weekends.

Downs moved to Los Angeles in 2011, but soon after, he and Aniello were hired to write (and for him to act) on the über-New York show “Broad City,” keeping them away from the West Coast for years. Now the couple live in Los Feliz, which they enjoy with their young son.

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“I love Los Feliz because it’s a real neighborhood with restaurants and bars, but also feels close to nature with Griffith Park,” Downs says. “Also it’s very central to my Eastside friends and Westside agents.”

And if he had to live at a local mall, like the character Ava Daniels did in the third season of “Hacks,” which would he choose?

“It would be the Americana, obviously.”

Here’s how he’d spend a perfect day in L.A.

10 a.m.: A late rise and a li’l barista

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I’m sleeping in if I can, which I can’t because I have a toddler, but let’s say I can sleep ’til 10. That would be insane.

Then I’m making coffee at home. I’m making it with my 4-year-old because he likes to make my coffee now. He always wanted to help, now he really wants to do it on his own. I’m still there to supervise, but he does do a lot of it.

I do batch brew. I’m doing Verve Coffee that I’m grinding there, and then I’m brewing four cups because I need my coffee. I had a Moccamaster for a long time, but I recently got a Simply Good Coffee. There’s no plastic — it’s all glass and metal.

11 a.m.: Chocolate croissants for everyone

We’re driving to Pasadena and we’re going to [Artisanal Goods by] CAR, which is the place to get the best chocolate croissant, I think, in the world. I don’t just think in L.A., I think they’re better than Paris. I’m going there with my wife and my kid and I’m having another coffee and some pastry. We’re ordering three [chocolate croissants]. We’re not doubling up.

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11:45 a.m.: The family business

We’re driving to Fair Oaks in Pasadena. There’s a place called T.L. Gurley. We shot “Hacks” there, actually. Not only in Season 1, but also full circle in Season 5. We’re going to shmay around and look at antiques. My kid is going to want to play a vintage pinball machine. We’re going to find a little piece of art for the house or what have you. It’s not necessarily that I’m on the hunt. It’s to pass the time and to have some fun. If I could do anything and have a leisurely day and take my mind off work, that’s what I’m doing.

People love to interact with my kid when he’s there. We’re really training him to appraise things at a young age. My parents are part-time dealers of antiques. My grandmother bought and sold antiques. It’s kind of a family business.

1:30 pm.: Baguettes and books

We’re driving to Larchmont and we’re getting a sandwich at Larchmont Village Wine, Spirits & Cheese. I’m doing prosciutto-mozzarella-basil on a baguette.

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Then we’re going to Chevalier’s Books. What’s sad is that I’m often not looking for leisure material. I’m looking for something that I’m interested in learning more about or writing about, or that they’re turning into a show I want to audition for. But we’re also doing Little Golden Books for my son. He’s obsessed. We’re not huge on screen time, so we really encourage the book-buying.

2:30 p.m.: Cast pool party

We’re having some family fun in the pool and we’re doing that until evening. We invite people over all the time. My sister-in-law is a New Yorker, but she actually wrote last season on “The Rooster” and she’s often writing on shows in L.A., so she’s often here and she’ll have a couple friends come over. I know this sounds like a piece of PR or something, but we’ll really literally have Hannah [Einbinder] and maybe Mark Indelicato from “Hacks” come over to swim. Jen, our co-creator of “Hacks,” will come over.

6:00 p.m.: Family dinner

Sometimes we’ll order Grá to the house, which is a pizza place in Echo Park — excellent sourdough crust pizza. But if we don’t do that, an ideal evening is an early dinner at All Time on Hillhurst in Los Feliz. We’re ordering the ceviche and my son is having all of it and not sharing with anybody at the table.

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8:45 p.m.: A thrilling ending to the day

After putting my kid to bed, my wife and I, in an ideal world (full disclosure: we haven’t done this in two years), we’ll watch something together that we’ve been meaning to watch. We have a long list of movies and we either want to revisit or that we haven’t seen that we need to watch.

We don’t watch a lot of comedies. It’s a dream to watch a “Black Bag” or a little espionage thriller. We really like that because it’s so different than the stuff that we’re working on in the day.

Often the things we watch are things that we admire. We like deconstructing it as fans of film and television. We do like talking about the making of it, but it’s less of a critique and more of a listing of the things we appreciated about it.

10:30 p.m.: No work tomorrow

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And then it’s lovemaking ’til morning on a perfect Sunday. If it’s a perfect Sunday, there’s also a Monday that’s off.

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Sitting in a jail cell, alone and hopeless, a man’s life is suddenly changed

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Sitting in a jail cell, alone and hopeless, a man’s life is suddenly changed

Jay (not pictured) found himself alone and hopeless in a jail cell when a fellow inmate’s unexpected words of comfort changed his life.

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When Jay was 22 years old, he was a self-described loner. In this story, he is being identified by his nickname to allow himself to speak candidly about the following experience and his mental health. He says the few people he did hang out with at the time had questionable morals.

 ”I chose my friends poorly, and your friends have a tendency to rub off on you. And so I started making poor decisions,” Jay said.

One evening, when he and his friends were out drinking, someone suggested they should try to break into the chemistry building on his college campus. Most of the group shrugged the suggestion off, deeming it impossible, but Jay was convinced he could pull it off.

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“The next night I made a plan of how to do it, and I did it,” Jay remembered. “And I didn’t get caught doing it, [but] I got caught afterwards.”

At around 1 that morning, Jay was placed in the county detention center. Sitting alone in his cell, reality began to sink in.

“I pretty much thought that my life as I knew it was going to be over, and I had decided that the world would be better off without me in it.”

Jay made a plan to end his life. As he prepared himself, he began to cry.

“But just in that moment when I was ready to do it, I heard a voice coming from the top left corner of my cell, from a little vent. And someone called out to me and said, ‘Hey, is this your first time?’”

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The man who called out was an inmate in the cell next door.

“I collected myself a little bit, and I said, ‘Yeah.’ And he said, ‘Can I pray for you?’”

Jay had grown up religious, but had stopped going to church years before. In that moment, though, he knew he needed support. He said yes, and listened as the man began to pray.

“I wish I could tell you that I remember the [exact] words that he said to me, but what I remember is that his words landed with me, and instead of wanting my life to be over, suddenly I saw hope,” Jay said.

The interaction happened nearly ten years ago, but it was a pivotal moment in Jay’s life, and one he thinks about all the time.

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“[Now], I have a good job. I have a girlfriend who loves me. I have a life. But I have a life because somebody who was in the same situation I was in had the courage to talk to a fellow inmate and be kind.”

Jay says that he wishes he could meet that man again and express his appreciation.

“[I would] shake that guy’s hand, give him a hug, and tell him what his small gesture meant for me, how he changed the course of my life.”

My Unsung Hero is also a podcast — new episodes are released every Tuesday. To share the story of your unsung hero with the Hidden Brain team, record a voice memo on your phone and send it to myunsunghero@hiddenbrain.org.

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